


Being Human

by TaylorCee591



Series: Humanity [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Sam and OC - Freeform, Supernatural AU - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-21
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-03-14 10:15:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 109,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3406931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaylorCee591/pseuds/TaylorCee591
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam needs some time on his own but Dean needs to feel needed. Funnily enough, there's a fallen angel who needs someone to show him what it means to be human. But will Castiel teach Dean some things of his own?</p><p>Rated for M/M, swearing & slight homophobic attitude.</p><p>I know a lot of people hate OCs and usually I do too but it just happened to fit the story.</p><p>I have also posted this work on fanfiction dot net so don't worry if you see it there under the username TC591, it's mine!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dean didn't even flinch when the motel room door slammed even though he had his back to it but he did sigh as he twisted the top off of his beer with it and then dumped it on the kitchen worktop. He knew that Sam would be back at some point; he would come back whenever he cooled down, Dean also knew only too well that that could easily be hours or days but he'd come back eventually. He always did.

Dean rubbed his neck with his left hand and took a drink, looking before he walked over to the window and saw Sam storming off down the street. He looked up at the sky; the moon was far to the left and there were no stars that Dean could see. He sighed, knowing that there was a heaven made him feel even worse with the knowledge that both of his parents weren't there. Bobby was, sure, but he was still getting used to the idea that Bobby was gone at all. He'd accepted it, had to for Bobby's sake, but when he looked up at night he was thinking about his mom. No matter where she was it felt right to him to look at the stars whether they were visible or not. Dean and Sam had already lost so much and every day they struggled not to lose each other but one of them was always pulling away.

As he turned away something caught his eye; he saw one star appear and get brighter as if it was just for him. He scoffed at that idea knowing that the star was always there but he had just noticed it, he looked at the sky around it and, sure enough, other stars started to show but not as bright as this one. He thought about Bobby again and gave the star a small smile.

 _You soft idjit, I know we'll be fine,_ he thought.

But as he turned away his certainty wavered. He turned to look at the TV - he could watch something until Sam came back or his next drink. He switched the set on and settled on his bed, the one nearest the bathroom wall. He took another drink and raised his left arm over his head to get comfortable.

>><<

 _That Hilary was definitely going to get Dr Sexy fired, she hated him which meant - in TV land - that she had the hots for him, everyone knew that, especially since they were now going at it in the shower room in the hospital,_ Dean concluded.

Dean's eyes widened momentarily as the camera panned around to show a woman watching the couple with a devious expression. He reached to put his empty beer bottle down on the table in between the two beds without looking away from the screen.

"And now she's gonna use this to get Hilary's job. Bitch," Dean muttered to himself thirty minutes into the show, his eyes went back to being half closed or half open, whichever way you wanted to look at it. Or half look at it. Which is what Dean was doing now as his eyelids got heavier and heavier. He had only had one beer and couldn't be assed to move to get another, couldn't be assed to do anything, including getting into bed. "Screw it." Dean let his eyes close and rolled over sliding his arms under the pillow, rubbing his lips together and his tongue off of the roof of his mouth a few times reviving the taste of beer slightly before it faded again.

_"You've always wanted my job, Sandra!"_

"You tell her, Hilary." Dean nuzzled into the pillow and fell asleep how he was.

>><<

_"I'm just saying, Dean. I think it's dated."_

_"It's AC/DC?!" Dean kept his eyes on the road but his look of utter confusion and distaste was clearly aimed at Sam._

_"I know that but I'm just not a big fan."_

_"Call yourself a Winchester," Dean muttered while Sam exhaled and looked out of his window at the rain and Dean caught a glance when he wasn't looking._

_Dean knew exactly why Sam didn't like the same kind of music he did. The kid who had asked him so many questions about where their Dad was and what he was doing was now the adult who knew all he had ever asked about and more. The kid who had always wanted a bowl of cereal whether it was for breakfast or not was now the adult who didn't want pie no matter what time it was. The kid who he watched over as he slept in the next bed to him was now the adult who couldn't bare to be in the same room as him for more than a few days before he would storm out and leave Dean falling asleep to the sound of the TV._

_Sam reached out and knocked on the Impala's dashboard twice. He didn't look away from staring out of his window into the darkness and Dean looked at the dashboard and then to him briefly before looking back at the dark stretch of road that appeared under the headlights as they hurtled through the night to God knows where. A few seconds later Sam did it again._

_"What are you doing?" Dean asked._

_"It's not me," Sam said before he did it again. "It's the door."_

_"What?" Dean turned to look at him again but he wasn't there. He turned to look into the back seats quickly before he heard it again and whipped back around. He could still hear the knocking and now there was a voice._

_"Dean?" a familiar voice echoed._

_Is that...?_ Dean asked himself.

_"Dean, are you in there?"_

_It is,_ he was sure.

Dean shook himself awake and, with a sharp intake of breath, he was sitting up facing the wall. There was another knock.

"Dean?" the voice called again, sounding a little unsure.

Dean whipped his head to look at the door. "Cas?" Dean ran to the door and pulled it open to look at Castiel.

But it wasn't Castiel.

"Hello Dean," Cas said.

Well, it  _was_  Castiel, even if he didn't look like he usually did. Dean's fallen angel, Dean's fallen and soaked through angel.

_When had it started raining?_

"Get in here before you drown, Cas." He let the ex-angel walk past him into the room before having a quick look around in the dark and rain then closed the door.

"I'm alone. And I doubt that the volume of rain is sufficient enough to drown me," Cas said despondently.

Dean could have sworn he heard an unsaid 'unfortunately' at the end of that as they both turned to look at each other.

Castiel's hair was longer, messy and soaking. He had facial hair to rival Chuck Noland, not that Dean was exaggerating... Okay it was stubble. But he was gaunt and above all else, he was the saddest looking person Dean had ever seen. Tired, fed up and wet. "What's wrong man, you look like hell?" Dean walked towards him and the eyes that stared back at him were dull and empty.

"I don't know," was all that Cas whispered back. A drop of water ran down his forehead and into his right eye which he then screwed up and rubbed while the other one became moist on it's own.

Dean put his hand out with the mind to push Cas' hair back and stop more falling but when that left eye watched him without any emotion he lowered his hand while Castiel blinked a few times and opened his eye fully again. He sighed. "Go and take a shower, Cas, before you catch a cold."

"A cold?" Castiel looked behind him to the bathroom where Dean had gestured with his gun still in his right hand.

_When did I pick that up?_

"Yeah, a cold. You're human now you can catch colds which you will if you don't get out of those clothes. So go," he gently told him.

"Okay." Castiel lowered his head and made his way into the bathroom.

Dean looked down at his gun before he put it back on the table and stood looking into space, leaning on the back of one of the chairs at the little table. There was a slight sigh and Dean turned his head; all he could see was Castiel's face in the mirror over the sink in the bathroom - he was getting undressed but his face was still so numb looking. Dean watched it as it disappeared for a few seconds.

"Dean?" Cas said.

Dean was taken by surprise, had he been caught? Would Cas be mad? And just what the hell was wrong with him?

"Yeah?" Dean said.

"I can't-" There was another sigh and a clunk but Cas didn't speak again.

Dean walked to the doorway of the bathroom cautiously to see Castiel sitting on the side of the bathtub facing the doorway but looking at the floor. His clothes were just dumped in a pile at his feet, which wasn't like Cas at all.

"What's wrong? You can't what?" Dean asked as he took a step into the bathroom.

"I can't do this any more. I can't keep being  _human,_ I feel so helpless," Cas admitted. Dean walked further towards Castiel until he stood just a step in between him and where Cas' feet touched the ground. He was just in boxers but Dean was more focused on the tear threatening to fall from that left eye. "I can't do anything. I can't stop this fur growing," he gestured to his face, "I have a sore head, eyes and everywhere else. At first I was angry and now I'm just sad. And I can't even turn a damn shower on." He looked up to Dean with a little smile and a tiny laugh but neither was happy, his voice was hoarser than usual and his eyes were purple.

Dean looked down at him as he resumed his staring contest with the floor. "Cas, you're new to this. Being an angel is all you've ever known but you'll get there," he tried to assure him.

"Yeah." He looked at his hands and Dean knew he was shrugging him off.

"Hey." Dean leaned down on bended knees and, not wanting to touch the toilet seat cover for pie nor money, he held onto the side of the bathtub with his hands at either side of Cas. "Look at me." He lowered his head trying to catch his eye line. "Look at me." Only his eyes moved to Dean's. "You will. Because I'm going to get you there."

"No, Dean-" Castiel shook his head a little but Dean cut him off.

"Cas, shut up. Do you trust me?" He gestured to himself with his left hand.

Castiel's head shot up. "Of course I do, Dean."

"Then let me show you what it means to be human, angel." Cas smiled, just a little but it made Dean smile back twice as much. "That came out differently than I meant it to." He laughed, a little embarrassed.

Castiel laughed too. "I know what you meant."

"Good." Dean stood up. "Okay, now motel showers are shit." Dean leaned over the tub to show him and Castiel stood up. "This controls your he-" He turned his head slightly as Castiel stood behind him and tilted his head over the Winchester's shoulder to see better, his chest nearly against Dean's back. When Castiel looked at him he quickly turned back to the shower. "Heat. This controls your heat."

"You already said that." Castiel looked at Dean and his eyes narrowed just a little. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, fine. And this one turns it on and off." He pressed it and the water came out, it started off very light in pressure and then it got higher before it started randomly jumping all over the place. "Give it a few seconds before you step in because it will be freezing cold." He smiled at Castiel before bending down to pick up Castiel's clothes from the floor. "Towel's there." Dean pointed to the towel on the rack and they shared a smile before Dean started to walk out.

He turned to tell Cas something but it completely left his mind when all he saw was Castiel, completely naked, stepping into the tub and under the water, his underwear left on the toilet seat. Dean turned back around before Cas caught him and, closing the door over, he walked away from  _that_.

He dumped Castiel's soaking clothes on the bed, Sam's bed, before picking up his pants and shaking them out. He ignored the loudness of the gulp he just took and draped them over one of the table chairs then did the same with his shirt. He then picked up Castiel's coat and opened it up to see a big muddy patch on the right elbow.

"Great," he whispered and walked to the counter.

>><<

Ten or so minutes later Dean was sat at the table beside the window, Castiel's coat held down and stretched over the table in front of him with his left hand and a scrubbing brush from the kitchen cupboard in his right. He had been brushing at the dried mud stain on the elbow of the jacket slowly and softly trying not to ruin the fabric but it was gone now. He was just finishing up when the bathroom door opened and he looked up to Castiel standing there, one towel around his waist and holding the other looking at Dean.

Dean dropped the scrubbing brush on the floor as he tried to stand up and Cas stood forward, bent down and picked it up. Water flicked from his hair as he did so and Dean just blinked as it hit him not paying it any more attention to it than that.

 _Get a grip, it's just Cas,_ Dean told himself but he was conscious of a weird feeling however he couldn't pinpoint its location in his body. He couldn't decide what the feeling was either but he knew it was new to him, or was it? He was suddenly less sure of that as well.

When Castiel stood back up to hand Dean the brush Dean couldn't help but notice that the towel had slipped down to barely holding onto his hips. Dean unconsciously flicked a tongue out to wet his bottom lip. It had to be someone else's because it didn't even feel like it was attached to his mouth right now but he pulled it back and cleared his throat as he put his hand out for the brush.

"Thanks," Dean said as Cas handed him it.

"What are you doing to my coat?" Castiel asked looking around Dean.

Dean turned back to look at it. "I'm finished actually," he said as he put the brush down and pointed to it. "I was- There was mud on the elbow."

Castiel looked to him. "Yes, I fell over yesterday. Well, someone pushed me."

"What?" He searched the ex-angel's face for signs of hurt. "Why?" He looked at his neck and chest for the same reason, both of which were completely clean. And smooth, in between the hair, and wet... And still a little steamy.

_Dammit man, focus._

"Are you okay?" He looked back up, furrowed eyebrows, at Cas' face.

"I'm fine." Castiel walked over to Dean's bed and sat down wiping the water from his neck.

"Then why did they push you over?" Dean noticed a droplet of water run from his hair, down the back of his neck, and Dean followed as it trailed down his back and ran into the towel at his a-

"I just got in his way, it is not of import Dean," Cas dismissed.

Dean walked over and, standing beside him, Castiel looked up at him with those eyes, however unhappy they were they were still beautiful, although he'd never say that out loud.

"It is of import to me," Dean corrected and he found himself finally running his left hand through the front of Castiel's wet hair as the man looked at him. Dean didn't miss the surprise in his face but he definitely didn't miss the small twitch of his eyes as if he wanted to close them. "You can't let people push you around any more. Push them back."

"I haven't let people-"

Dean slightly pushed Cas' head back through his hair in an aggressive dismissal of that. "You have and you know it." He also didn't miss the fact that Castiel's eyes dropped from Dean's to his hand as it left Castiel's hair. "And you know that I mean me and Sam." Dean sighed. "Mostly me," he admitted. He couldn't stand it when Castiel looked back up at him with an apology that Dean didn't deserve. "This isn't how it is."

Castiel's eyes narrowed just a little as he didn't understand.

"How we are right now," Dean continued. "I'm not above you Cas." Dean walked and sat down on Castiel's left, the ex-angel turned a little to look at him as Dean sat on the edge and dragged his right leg up so that he could turn to look at him properly. "This is how it is. Equal. You don't do anything that you don't want to and you don't let any one try to make you. Promise me?" Castiel's head tipped just a little at Dean. "If you want to," Dean added and Castiel smiled.

"Okay. I promise you Dean," Cas said and then smiled.

Dean nodded just the once and then put his hand out towards the towel. "Can I?" Dean asked.

Castiel didn't know what he wanted it for but he handed him it anyway. When Dean reached up and started rubbing it into Castiel's hair his eyes closed. Cas nudged forward on the bed a little and ducked his head forward as Dean gently dried his hair.

"Thank you for cleaning my coat," Cas said and Dean smiled but didn't say anything.

He dried Castiel's hair in silence for a few minutes before either of them spoke again. By this time he was holding Castiel's head in one hand while he dried it with the other.

"I feel... heavy," Castiel admitted and Dean paused.

It had nothing to do with what he said, it was the way he said it; drowsy and rough as hell. He pushed it back down as he lowered the towel to look at Castiel. Dean lightly rubbed Castiel's face to dry his mess of stubble and looked at him.

"My eyes..." Cas said softly while his eyes were closing and red.

"When was the last time you slept, Cas?" Dean asked.

"What's that?" Cas mumbled.

Dean paused. "Cas, you've been human for nearly a week, tell me you've slept?!"

"I don't know what that means. I don't feel right, Dean. I think I've been drugged." He fell forward a little towards Dean and then caught himself and shook his head. His words were quickly beginning to slur, "Dean, I-"

Dean reached to Sam's bag on the floor and pulled out his jogging pants then stood up. "Here, put these on. You haven't been drugged." He put them on the bed next to Castiel and walked into the bathroom.

Cas hummed and started to undo his towel. When Dean came back he was standing with the pants on in between the beds with his eyes closed, the towel discarded to the floor.

Dean clicked his fingers in his face before he spoke, "Hey." Castiel's eyes flew open. "Drink this, swish it,  _don't_ swallow it." Dean handed him a tiny cup of blue liquid and Castiel knocked it back, his face screwed up as he did as Dean told him. "I know, just a few seconds and then spit it in here." He took the small cap from Castiel and replaced it with an empty glass. "I don't have a spare toothbrush so this will have to do tonight." Castiel did as he was told and Dean took the used mouthwash from him.

"What is happening?" Dean lunged to put the cap and cup on the table then back to catch Cas as he nearly fell forward. "Dean?"

"You're falling asleep." He wrapped his arms around Castiel's waist and the mess of dark hair fell onto his left shoulder. "Jesus, Cas." Dean was going to ignore the fact that Cas was half-naked and pressed up against him.

_Yes I am. I am._

"Sorry," was all that Castiel managed to say and he hardly managed that.

"Come on," Dean muttered, more to himself than anything, ignoring that there was clearly something wrong with him and trying to get Cas into bed.

Dean closed his eyes briefly as thoughts that really couldn't be his flashed into his mind.

 _For God's sake,_ he chided himself.

Dean edged him backwards then, wrapping his left arm around his friend and curving his hand up to cradle the back of his head, he leaned forward and moved the cover with his right hand before using both arms to lower Castiel onto the bed. He leaned down and lifted up both of his feet before turning Castiel's body onto the bed properly and tucking them under the cover. Cas turned away from Dean into the warmth of the cover and tutted his tongue and lips a few times, grimacing as if tasting the mouth wash again.

Dean pulled the cover over him fully and Castiel then inhaled deeply.

"Dean," the name was uttered from Cas' lips as he sighed contently but Dean heard it and stopped to look at him, then he cautiously sat down beside him, looking at his expressionless face and subconsciously watched his breathing in the corner of his eyes.

It was unusual to see Cas like this, he was always off somewhere to do something; either to save the world or save the brothers. Dean thought about what it must have been like to be this celestial being, who could do pretty much anything in comparison to a mere human being. He wondered what it was like to watch those beings, how it must have been so easy to consider them inferior to the angels. But God didn't, he put the humans above his first litter or children and Dean could see how that would make some of them angry.

If things had been different, if he hadn't loved Sam so much, he could see how easy it would have been to hate him, to be jealous of him, of how he was allowed to walk away and have his apple pie life whereas Dean had to stay with their father, not that he'd wanted to do anything else but Dean sometimes wondered if he really didn't want another life or if he just thought he didn't because not only was this life all he knew, it was all he was taught to see. Dean could still remember times before their mother was killed and yet he never thought about doing anything different, whereas Sam had been brought up in the hunting life somehow he always seemed to be looking outwards. Dean would catch him as a child staring out of the car window, at the people and cars, the building and the trees; he would make friends in the schools they'd go to or in the cafes they had breakfast in; he would read books about the world instead of the supernatural.

Dean could never understand him and in that way he fascinated Dean, he always surprised him; he was always on his own wavelength and Dean wished he could tune in properly. He brushed it off as him being his yeti-ass Stephen Hawking-like little brother but in truth he just didn't understand how he could still be so real. Dean always thought that once you stepped over the line into the truth what was really out there you changed forever, you could never really be one of the normal people but Sam seemed to be able to do both. Dean wondered how he managed but somehow never wanted it for himself, he admired it but it also scared him. As far as he was concerned his brother was the bravest man he knew.

Sitting there Dean looked at Cas and remembered when they first met, he looked at him and wondered how he could possibly be the same person who pulled him from Hell. Cas sniffed in his sleep and Dean smiled a little, wondering how he could ever be anyone else. He wondered how it must have felt to be watching the brothers, he wondered how long that'd been happening. Most of all he wondered if, after watching him and seeing everything he'd ever done in his life, Cas would have thought Dean worth saving if he hadn't been ordered to. He looked at Cas and then to his back, where his wings-

Where they  _would have been_ before he fell.

Dean had only ever seen their shadow the first day they met and that was enough to imprint them on his memories. He imagined what they would have looked like on his back, lying there on the bed, black and motionless but immense and threatening as well as beautiful. He reached out his right hand and put it to where he imagined they would be. He cautiously placed his hand there and moved his hand as if stroking some of the large, silky feathers.

Cas inhaled sharply and Dean looked at his face, wondering for a second if he'd felt that.

And then he remembered that he couldn't have.

Cas brow tensed as if he'd had the same thought and Dean felt his heart breaking, he thought what it must have been like to be a celestial being, who could do pretty much anything in comparison to a mere human being, and then become one himself. Dean moved his hand from Cas' imaginary wing and stroked it through the man's hair. Cas' brow relaxed and he hummed. Dean smiled a little and then realized what the was doing so he withdrew his hand as if he'd been burned.

 _What are you doing, who does that?_ Dean thought then shook his head and stood up.

"Crazy people," he said to himself, sighed, looked to Sam's bed and then the door. He reached for his phone from the night stand to look at it. Nothing. He sat on Sam's bed looking at the sleeping figure and pressed call.

The call was answered and Dean spoke first, "Sam?"

 _"What is it, Dean?"_  He was still mad, that was obvious.

"I know you're still pissed at me but I just wanted to know if you're coming back tonight?"

 _"Probably not. I think it's best if I get my own room, have some space."_  There was a pause and when Sam spoke again there was evident worry in his voice, _"Why is something wrong?"_  Dean smiled, no matter how much Sam wanted to punch him he always had his back.

"Cas showed up," Dean said, as if that explained everything.

 _"Right."_  He didn't sound very interested or surprised.  _"Is he okay?"_

"Yeah, he's conked out on my bed." Dean looked at his phone as he said the next line with wide eyes. "Dude, he hasn't slept in like six days!"

 _"Really?"_  Sam was suddenly interested.  _"And what, he just decided to try it?"_

"I don't know man. He's in a bad way." He sighed. "He needs us right now."

There was a little silence on the end of the phone.  _"I'll meet you guys for breakfast?"_

"Sure." Dean watched as Cas turned onto his back and pushed the covers down to his hip, he swallowed and heard it gulp. "Earlier rather than later," he said, he needed Sam to be there to break him out of this weird feeling, whatever it was.


	2. Chapter 2

"This is ridiculous," Dean said to himself in a hushed breath, he'd been trying to wake Cas up for what felt like hours now and he hadn't budged.

They were due to meet Sam for breakfast, Dean had woken up and Cas had barely moved but he could hear him softly breathing so he knew he was alive. Dean had thought maybe he'd be up by the time he got out of the shower, that what usually happened with Sam and if he wasn't he'd throw something at his head, it'd be like Sam never left. However, when he emerged from the bathroom he looked to Cas' face, he seemed so peaceful and Dean thought about what he'd said about not sleeping so he'd gone a bit soft an decided to leave him as long as possible and then wake him up gently.

But now Dean was beginning to think he was being made a fool of because he'd been calling on Cas to get p for so long that the people staying in the next room had thumped on the walls a few times and Dean had even yelled at them to get lost but Cas hadn't even stirred.

"Hey!" Dean stood looking at Castiel lying in the bed. Well,  _on_  the bed would be a better description since he had, at some point during the night, tucked the covers underneath himself so that he just lay in Sam's jogging pants. Dean sighed when he never got an answer. "Cas?" he said as he filled the sink with cold water.

He walked over to the bed, in just a t-shirt and boxers, and sat down on Castiel's left side.

"Cas? Come on, don't pretend. Sam used to do that all the time," he tried again.

Castiel let out a long exhale and gripped the underside of his pillow with his left hand a little before letting it go again. Dean couldn't believe that he was still out of it, although he had had about seven hours sleep it was no surprise that he was still dead to the world after six days deprivation. No, he was just surprised that Castiel slept through the rain last night and all of Dean's shouts.

He suddenly had a thought and had no idea where it had come from but it was worth a try. He moved further up the bed towards Castiel's head, leaned over the sleeping man to put his closed left fist into the bed beside Castiel's right side and looked down at him.

He looked at the man's face as he spoke, not in a whisper but a quiet gentle voice, "Cas?" Castiel stirred a little. "Cas, come on." He stirred more. Then his left hand slipped out from under the pillow slowly as he began to rouse awake. "Castiel-" Dean stopped when Cas reached his left hand out and rested it on the outside of Dean's right upper leg.

He looked down at it then back to him wondering why it made him feel even weirder than he already had been.

 _He's asleep, he doesn't know what he's doing,_ Dean told himself.

Dean focused and went back to trying to wake him up. "Wake up Cas, c'mon." He used his right hand to shake Cas' shoulder slightly and the man opened his eyes before he lifted off of the bed a little, in shock. Dean moved his head back for two reasons - one so that he could avoid being head-butted and the second was so that, when Cas' eyes focused he could see him. "It's me."

"Dean?" Cas drawled.

 _Well, shit,_  that was all Dean's brain offered up because, if that wasn't the sexiest thing Dean had ever heard then- _No, it definitely was._ If he didn't know better he'd say that Castiel was aroused instead of having just woken up. And he had just used that unintentional weapon to say Dean's name. _Well, shit._

"Yeah, it's me." He let his right hand fall from Castiel's left shoulder to his upper arm. "Sorry, but I said we'd meet Sam for breakfast. Sound good?"

_Not as good as that voice, though._

Castiel suddenly looked down to where his hand was on Dean's thigh Dean didn't look away from him. "I'm sorry," he said as he lazily dragged his hand all the way down Dean's leg to place it back on the bed and Dean suddenly knew he had to snap out of whatever it was that had been affecting him since Castiel had walked into the room yesterday. He was as innocent as a child and younger than that, in his human mind.

Dean cleared his throat and stood up. "Um, it's fine. Come on." He gestured to the bathroom as he turned away.

Castiel pushed the covers back and slowly stood up. "I feel better. Now that I've-" he stuttered as if he didn't know the rest but he was looking at... Dean turned around and looked.

 _What was he looking at, his thigh?_ Dean asked himself.

"Now that you've slept," Dean finished for him."What's wrong?"

Castiel narrowed his eyes and looked back to Dean. "Slept," he repeated. "Nothing is wrong." He walked towards Dean who looked at him for a second then continued into the bathroom.

"I'm going to show you how to get rid of that fur," Dean said, gesturing loosely to his own face.

Castiel sighed. "I would  _love_  that!" Dean turned to look at him as they entered the bathroom with a little smile at the relief in his voice. "It's so itchy." He raised his hand to scratch it and Dean stopped at the sink before hitting Castiel's hand away. "Ow," he whispered and left his hand fall. "Well, it is."

"Right. First thing is first..." Dean pulled his top off and threw it over the towel rail. "You fill the sink so that-" He turned to see Cas staring at him.

"What are you looking at _now?_ " he asked and the ex-angel blinked a few times before shaking his head. "Are you properly awake yet?"

It wasn't a question, not really, but Castiel nodded anyway.

"You fill the sink with cold water and drop the razor in it, helps the blade cut better," Dean explained.

Castiel nodded then turned as Dean left the room and walked to the kitchen. He came back with a wash cloth and stood back on Castiel's right side looking in the mirror. He had been letting it steep in the sink which was full of hot water.

"Put one of these in hot water then just press it on your face for a while, the heat opens up your pores and makes it easier to shave," he continued, doing just as he said to himself as he was looking in the mirror and at the side of Castiel's face, because Castiel was watching him sideways on. "Here." He then handed the cloth to Castiel who did the same.

After a few seconds Dean threw that into the bathtub and reached for the shaving cream.

He squeezed a little in Castiel's hand and then his own as he spoke, "Rub your hands together."

He copied Dean, looking between what Dean was doing and his own every few seconds to make sure he was doing it right.

"Then on your face," Dean said and began rubbing the shaving cream on the left side of his face and then his right to which Castiel mimicked  _exactly_  - left then right - before they both finished in the middle of their chins and philtrums.

Dean dipped his hands in the water and nodded down so Castiel did the same. Their hands touched and they froze before glancing at each other. It would have perhaps been awkward but Castiel smiled at how silly Dean looked with his beard of cream forgetting about his own and Dean was smiling himself merely at Castiel smiling. He'd wondered if he'd ever see Cas smile again after the fall and the loo on Cas' face when he turned up the previous night.

Dean then dried his hands briefly on the side of Castiel's jogging pants and Castiel looked down with his eyes wide.

"They're Sam's." Dean shrugged and then Castel copied him, his eyes relaxing when Dean let go.

Dean put his right hand back in the water and picked out the two razors, handing one to Cas. "Use one hand to shave and the other to pull the skin tight, makes it easier. Keep the strokes small and rinse the blade in between each one," he explained.

Dean had done all of the left side of his face before he looked to Castiel. "Come on," he urged, looking to the razor.

Cas lifted the razor to his cheek and stroked down. He looked at the cream and dark hair on the razor before leaning to look at the smooth patch on his face in the mirror and the little drip of water running down over the other cream. He then dipped it in the water and shook it like Dean had. Dean looked around and Castiel turned to show him.

"Not bad," Dean said and Cas seemed encouraged by that.

It was on the third stroke that Castiel cut himself.

"It's okay," Dean said, dropped his razor into the sink and turned Castiel's wincing face to look at him. The red began to mix with the cream and Dean saw Castiel's face fall a little, annoyed. "You wouldn't be giving up on me, would you?"

Castiel looked to him. "I never would," he said immediately.

Dean was taken back but he took the razor from Castiel. "Let me," he offered. Castiel put his left hand out to hold onto the sink as Dean started to shave his face for him then rinse the blade with a bit of his chin and philtrum still covered in cream. "You know, when I was twelve Bobby stood me in front of the mirror in his bathroom and showed me how to shave."

"Not your dad?" Castiel regretted it almost as soon as he asked when Dean's face showed instant pain. "I'm sorry."

Dean blinked it away. "No, it's fine Cas. No, not my dad; my dad taught me how to shoot kinda straight and stitch up a wound but Bobby taught me all the other stuff. We stood like this and when my dad first saw me he thought I had been attacked by a werewolf or something I had cut myself so bad."

Castiel smiled. "You're much better at it now."

Dean smiled back. "Yeah. I stood in Bobby's bathroom about five years later with Sam, just like then but I was doing the teaching. Just like now. He cut himself once. Just once." Castiel could see the pride in Dean's eyes but also a glint of something else.

He then let Castiel go and finished his own face with the same razor. When he finished he drained the sink, rinsing the hair away and Castiel looked in the mirror at the nick on his face, to the left of his mouth, under his cheek.

Dean ran the cold tap and pointed to it. "Splash your face."

Cas lowered his head and splashed the cold water on his face then Dean ripped up toilet paper to stick onto the blood.

"Just because you cut yourself shaving doesn't mean you should stop shaving, Cas. We can do this," Dean said then leaned over to splash his own face before stood back up and smiled. "Hmm?"

Castiel nodded. "Yes, Dean," he said.

>><<

Dean opened the door to the diner and looked around as he held the door open behind him. He spotted Sam, or rather the back of him, in the second last booth at the end then turned to gesture to Castiel before they made their way over.

Dean slid into the booth opposite Sam and moved to let Castiel sit down beside him.

"Mornin'," Dean muttered to Sam, wondering if he was still angry.

Sam smiled, a little. "Hey." He turned his head to Castiel. "Hey, Cas. Sleep alright?"

"Hello, yes thank you, I feel a bit better now."

"Where did you go?" Dean asked the question to his menu before he nonchalantly looked up to Sam.

"Different motel," Sam answered so Dean nodded and went back to his menu. "What do you want, Cas?"

Castiel looked to Sam then Dean who nodded to the menu that Sam was holding, he turned it round and handed it to the ex-angel.

"Oh, did you cut yourself shaving?" Sam pointed to his cheek.

Castiel lifted his hand to the cut then checked his finger for blood and Sam looked to Dean who shot him a look. He narrowed his eyes confused then looked back to Castiel.

"Yes. It was my first experience of shaving," he admitted, turning slightly pink and looked sternly at his menu.

"You should have seen Dean the first time he shaved." He laughed and Cas smiled. "Never mind, the rest looks great," Sam added with a smile.

"I didn't do the rest." Castiel looked back to his menu. "What is a pig 'n' poke?"

Sam looked at Dean, silently asking if he had helped the angel shave. When Dean answered with a telepathic _ex_ -angel reminder Sam did that thing that he does. The thing that annoys Dean. The little exhale and slight lowering of his shoulders. The gesture that says he had found something out or figured out the answer to some question that no one knew he was asking. Dean ignored it, as he always did. Or always tried to.

After Sam and Dean had ordered, Castiel ordered what the Winchester's had suggested for him since he was relatively unaware of what he actually liked. Castiel then excused himself to go to the bathroom, with some irritation evident in his voice.

Sam leaned forward and asked, "You helped him shave?"

"Yeah, so?" Dean was prepared for either some argument about Sam's feelings or some other argument regarding something about Dean that Sam was going to 'enlighten' him with. Either way Dean prepared to zone out.

Sam shrugged. "You never helped me," he said, almost petulantly.

Dean just sighed. "You didn't exactly need my help," he said, trying to stop the spite from shining through in those words and maybe he succeeded. "Please tell me you're not jealous?" Sam seemed to realize how silly that sounded. "He's having a really bad time, Sammy. Learning to shave properly can wait and I didn't have time this morning to teach him how to stitch up his face."

Sam scoffed gently. "Is he really doing that bad?" Dean just tipped his head to the side briefly as he took a drink of coffee. "Listen Dean..." He sighed. "I'm not coming back to the bunker."

Dean's forehead tensed into anger as he lowered his cup. "What?"

"I just need some time, some space, I think it would do the pair of us the world of good."

"And what about what  _I_  need?" Dean whispered but also kind of spat. "I need my brother, I need  _you!_ " He then looked around to see if Castiel was coming yet.

"Dean, right now we  _both_  need space or we are going to explode and run away from each other again. If that happens I don't know if we can fix it, not every time."

"I would call  _this_  running away. And right now, screw everything else, Cas needs us," Dean said angrily.

"No, this is something I need to do for me. For us." Dean looked back to his brother as he ran his fingers through his hair, strained, tired and at breaking point. "And Cas doesn't need us, he needs _you_."

The waitress came over and set the breakfasts down when Castiel came back to the table holding his left hand against his stomach.

"You alright, Cas?" Sam asked and Dean looked as he sat down.

"Yes thank you." They all picked up their cutlery ready to tuck in. "My bowels seem to be in distress," Cas added.

Dean and Sam looked at each other as Castiel cut into his food and they both laughed.

_Angels man._

>><<

As they shuffled out of the booth Dean looked to Castiel and asked, "You want anything else, for the road?"

Castiel looked to Dean and then to the board on the wall behind the counter. "I have always wanted to try a milkshake."

"Go on then, order." Dean gestured to the waitress waiting expectantly on the other side.

Castiel looked to her as Dean and Sam pulled their coats on. "Can I have a..." He paused and turned to Dean.

"I chose your breakfast and Sam chose your coffee. This one's all yours." He reached into his coat and found his wallet.

"Uh... Can I have a  _strawberry_  milkshake, please?" She nodded and made to turn away but stopped when Dean stepped forward sorting out money to pay.

"For all of us, and the milkshake. Make that one to go." She smiled. "And that's yours." He winked at her harmlessly then turned to Cas.

He completely missed the batting of her eyelids at him and smirk as she chewed her gum. But Sam didn't and he didn't miss that Dean was too focused on Castiel to see it.

"We'll wait outside, alright?" Cas nodded and Dean hit him gently on his left upper arm before he walked past Cas and followed Sam outside.

"Listen, thanks for this Dean. Understanding." Sam sighed. "I expected this to be more of a problem."

"You're right." Sam raised his eyebrows. "If you doing yours for a while will stop us from tearing in opposite directions then that's what we're gonna do. You need that right now and I get that."

Just then Cas opened the cafe door and walked over.

"What's the verdict, Castiel?" Sam asked and smiled.

"I haven't tasted it yet." They both looked at him expectantly so he took a sip through the straw and swirled it around his mouth before swallowing. Then smiled. "It's good."

The brothers smiled and then Sam looked to Dean as he spoke, "You'll call if you get in trouble?" Sam nodded. "You got money?" Sam nodded again. "You got a car?" Sam held up a car key that Castiel suspected wasn't his until yesterday. Dean looked at Sam with a look that Castiel knew meant that Dean would rather scoop Sam up and stuff him in the car than walk in opposite directions right now.

"Go!" Sam smiled and turned to walk away before looking back to the pair. "Get your gold badge, Dean." Sam smiled again before turning away properly.

Castiel looked to Dean confused. "What does he mean?" he asked.

Dean looked just as confused as Sam jumped into a truck and drove away. "Absolutely no idea." He shook his head and walked to his car as Castiel followed, sipping his drink, and walked around to the passenger side. "You spill that in my car and I'll kill you myself." Dean pointed his keys at Castiel then lowered them to the car door. "Can't believe you chose strawberry."

Castiel's face fell and he stopped drinking to talk. "You told me to chose, did I do it wrong?"

Dean shook his head. "No, but there was chocolate there. And you went with...  _strawberry?_ " He stuck his tongue out at the ground. "Yeuck." Castiel smiled and they both got into the car. "Alright..." Dean started the car and pulled out of the spot heading for Kansas. Music started up almost right away midway through _'Dust in the Wind'_. Dean cut it off and fussed about with the tracks. "Do you know what sort of music you like yet?"

"No, I have been exposed to limited-"

"Wait, this is good," Dean said, cutting Castiel off as he turned the music up and sang along. " _A face you have known, where do you run when it's too much to bear?_ "

Castiel watched Dean as he sang looking between him and the road.

" _Who do you turn to when nobody's there?_ "

He wished he knew the words just so that he could sing along with him and he lowered his head but Dean stopped singing.

"Cas?" Dean said.

He looked over as Castiel raised his head. "Yes?"

 _"Hold on, baby, hold on!"_ Dean sang loudly in Castiel's direction, still smiling, and Cas couldn't help but burst out laughing as he closed his eye for a moment as Dean looking between him and then road..

Anyone watching them would think they were crazy, the world was going to shit and Dean was goofing around, just to make Cas laugh.

"Don't you laugh at me," Dean said, smiling through the next few lines. "I can sing. _Hold on, baby hold on! 'Cause there's something on the way, your tomorrow's not the same as today!_ "

They laughed together and started talking as the song went onto finish itself.

_Outside your door he is waiting, waiting for you. Sooner or later you know he's got to get through, no hesitation and no holding back. Let it all go and you'll know, you're on the right track. Hold on, baby hold on..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam's comment is explained in the next story, not this one. But if anyone's wondering it's a Pinocchio reference.  
> Also, the song used was 'Hold On' by Kansas who also sing 'Dust in the Wind'.


	3. Chapter 3

They pulled off of the I-80 to a truck stop for lunch. Dean had been driving them for five hours and Castiel had fallen asleep a couple of hours in, he would have pulled over and put him in the back but figured it was better to just keep on driving and let him sleep. Just after one o'clock in the afternoon Dean's stomach had started to growl and despite telling it to shut up it became almost unbearable so by two he spotted a sign up ahead and gave in.

When the car stopped Dean looked over to Castiel, Dean had managed to put the seat back just a little, since Castiel's weight wasn't enough to push it back properly and he was looking away from Dean.

Dean remembered that morning as he undid his own seat belt so he leaned over and shook Castiel's arm. "Cas?" he whispered and the former angel started to rouse. Dean smiled a little proud of himself of being the only one learning this stuff about Castiel. "Cas, come on."

He woke properly, with an intake of breath, to look at Dean. "Huh?" His face was puffy and his eyes were almost incapable of opening as he forced himself to look properly. "Was I asleep?"

"Yeah, couple of hours now."

"I was... I thought I was-" He cleared his throat to try and shake that extra gravel. "I saw..." He faded out as if it confused him too much to even voice.

"That's called dreaming, Cas." Dean opened his door and got out, closing the door behind him. "Don't tell me you don't know about dreaming, man?"

Castiel leaned forward, looking down at his chair. He could have sworn it wasn't that far back when he got in earlier. He undid his belt and opened the door to Dean waiting for him. He closed it behind him and they walked towards the front door.

"When you fall asleep you sometimes dream about things, not always. Sometimes it can even feel as real as this. It's normal," Dean explained anyway.

Castiel nodded as they found a vacant table inside and sat down.

It occurred to Castiel that perhaps he had known what sleep was for the few days he had been wondering the streets, unsure of what to do with himself, and just hadn't realized that that's what he was doing. The notion that he hadn't understood what sleep was when Dean asked him about it now seemed ridiculous, of course he knew but his head had just been full of fuzz. Being so lost, Castiel mused, perhaps he had forgotten the basic requirements of the human body in which he was now trapped. He knew he could certainly live without going to the bathroom all the time. Dean picked up the menus and handed one across the table to him.

"What do  _you_  dream about?" Cas asked out of the blue.

Dean looked up and his face showed something that Castiel couldn't quite put his finger on then he looked back to his menu. "I don't," he said and Castiel tilted his head slightly. "Not really. I used to dream about lots of things. My mom, my dad, Hell..." He trailed off and pouted a little. "Stupid things."

"I'm sorry," Castiel said gently and then they were joined at the table by a waiter. "Hello, could I have a cheeseburger, please?"

Dean smiled, he was making his own choice without hesitation. Dean might have thought about how Castiel was showing Dean that of all the things he had to worry about in his life Castiel did not want to be one to add to that. He just wanted to be equal, like Dean had said they were. He wanted to be a human adult, not an infant. He might have if he wasn't so wrapped up in something else.

The waiter looked to Dean who looked up at him. "And I will have some of your pecan pie, please."

"I'm sorry sir, we're all out of pie." Dean's face fell. "We have cake?"

>><<

They were walking back to the car when Dean yawned. "I might need a few minutes shut eye before we get back on the road again."

"Okay," Cas said. They got back in their sides of the car. Dean leaned forward in his seat and back a few times to get comfortable. "I'm sorry."

Dean opened his eyes to look at Castiel. "For what?"

"If I could drive then you wouldn't be so tired." Castiel looked back at where they had just came from.

Dean closed his eyes. "Everyone has to learn how to drive, Cas. It's not something everyone just knows. And besides, Sam barely gets to touch this car."

Castiel looked back to Dean. "But Sam can drive? Quite well, if I recall correctly."

Dean turned his head to the left finally settling. "Quite well isn't good enough, not for my baby."

About half an hour later Dean was lightly snoring and Castiel was regretting those onion rings. He looked over to Dean, he had little goosebumps on his lower arms. Castiel pushed himself against the seat gently as he forced his trench coat off of his shoulders and draped it over Dean, tucking it under his chin. He turned the other way and fell asleep too.

>><<

When Castiel lazily opened his right eye he noticed that firstly, his coat was now draped over him... And half his face. He then noticed that it was dark outside the window, what lights there were in the distance were moving. He then realized that it was the car that was moving. He slowly turned around and Dean glanced over.

"Hey. Good timing, we're almost there," Dean said and glanced round again as Castiel pushed the coat down his body a little, sat up properly and rubbed his eyes. When Dean noticed that he was sitting away from the seat he remembered pushing it back. "Here." He pushed the lever at the side and the seat hit Castiel in the back. "Sorry."

"It's okay. What time is it?" Castiel leaned back and seemed more comfortable.

Dean looked at the dash. "Nearly ten. I stopped earlier but I didn't want to wake you. You're going to be up all night, you know?"

"Why?" Castiel ruffled his hair and pointed to Dean's bottle of water. "May I?"

"Sure." Castiel leaned over and took it. "There's only so much sleep your body can have, you'll probably only feel tired early in the morning." Castiel took a drink and held onto the bottle resting it in his hand on top of his jacket. "You better not keep me up." He looked at Castiel and they slowed down to pull up an old dirt lane. "Back to the bat cave."

Castiel turned to Dean as they pulled up outside the entrance. "I've never seen any bats in there."

Dean sighed a little. "No." Then he got out the car.

Castiel narrowed his eyes then, bundling his coat into his right hand, followed him. "Will being human require understanding of a lot of references?"

"No, Cas." He tottered down the steps and Castiel followed him. "Life will."

>><<

"Are you hungry?" Dean asked and led Castiel into the kitchen of the base. "I could-" He stopped to yawn. "I could make you something?"

"That would be good, thank you." Castiel dropped his coat beside Dean's on the main table.

"Well," he walked to the refrigerator, "the only choices are eggs, bread and..." he ducked his head right in. "I don't even know what that used to be." He stepped back and, keeping the door open he looked in the cupboard above the appliance. "Cereal."

"Cereal is acceptable." Castiel noticed how tired Dean was and didn't want to cause him any more trouble. He was okay with that in his mind because, Dean wasn't pushing him into the meal, Castiel was fine with making do tonight. He wasn't being pushed around, he knew that, because Dean had made him promise not to be.

"Alright," Dean said then took the box down and put it on the table before getting a bowl from the cupboard.

He dipped into the fridge with his free hand and grabbed the milk before placing them beside the box on the table. Castiel reached for the box and poured some into the bowl, when he put it back down on the table to pick the milk up Dean put it back in the cupboard. He then fiddled in the drawer, turned, took the carton from Castiel and held out a desert spoon.

Castiel took it. "Thank you."

Dean put the milk back in the fridge and then shut the drawer with his hip. Castiel wasn't watching him. He was learning, that was all.

"You should get some sleep," Cas said.

Dean turned and leaned on the counter as Castiel sat at the table. He rubbed his eyes and yawned again while he nodded. "Will you be okay?" Dean asked.

Castiel nodded and then quickly raised his right hand to catch the dribble of milk that had escaped the side of his mouth.

Dean laughed to himself and then disappeared. "Night," he said.

Castiel took another spoonful and settled into his chair. Dean was right, he wasn't tired at all - this was going to be a long night.

>><<

Castiel finished his cereal and had a look around he bunker, he was walking along one of the corridors when he heard it. A light rumble. He followed it and came to a door left ajar.

He pushed it open and the darkness gave no token as to what was inside. He stepped in trying to make his eyes adjust to what was inside when it hit him. Well, it didn't so much 'hit him' as the light from the corridor crept into the room, across the floor, onto the bed and Dean's desk. Castiel looked at the picture on it, barely visible but he could see that it was of a woman. His mother or Lisa, probably. Although, his only indication that it was was the outline of long hair so it could be Sam for all Cas knew. He checked Dean, just watching his chest rise and fall a couple of times before he stepped back out and shut the door over, leaving Dean to sleep.

Then he sneezed. He paused, waiting for the sounds of Dean awake but when there was nothing but the continued sound of his light snoring Cas exhaled and walked away.

>><<

It was hours later that Dean woke up.

He shook himself out of it simply because he was freaked out. He was freaked out because he had been dreaming and he never dreamed. Well, that wasn't strictly true, despite what he told Castiel, he dreamed all of the time but they were usually R rated or weird versions of old films that included him. He hadn't been this freaked out since his version of 'Mean Girls' not that he'd ever admit having watched it in the first place.

_Lindsay Lohan, man._

No, this was a different kind of dream, Dean had no idea if it was even a dream, it just seemed like he was rerunning something that had actually happened.

He sat up and turned to sit on the edge of the bed as his dream started to fade. Just him and Sam riding in his car. But as it began to fade Dean looked down at the floor.

_Was it Sam? Or was it Cas?_

His hand on the steering wheel was the last thing to disappear and he shook his head.

He then got up and walked out of the door, looking at his watch he sighed. "Five? He's probably just yawning now."

He walked to the next door and looked in, it was empty. He looked in the next room, Sam's, empty. He kept going not really expecting Castiel to be in one of the beds yet. When he came up empty he kept going until he got into the main room.

Then he stopped.

The main table had four things on it (besides the lamps); a glass of water, half drunk, an open book, a pen and a head. A former angel's head, to be precise, and it was resting on the open book. Dean shook his own and walked over to the space beside Castiel, as he leaned over to move the glass away from him in case he knocked it over the book he caught a few of the words on the page. He turned his head to read the bit of the book he could see.

'According to known lore, there i-' Castiel's head blocked the rest of the line so Dean read the next hoping to be able to fill in the blanks. '-way for a falle-"

_Wait did that say fallen?_

Dean looked at Castiel and tried to think of a way to move him without waking him up. He thought back to when he lived with Lisa and he had to sneak out of bed on Sunday mornings to run to the bathroom all the while not wanting to wake her up on her only day off. He leaned down and then took a pause - he was actually going to do something that he did with Lisa. He looked to the side then decided he was too nosey not to look so he used his index finger to tickle Castiel's right ear gently, he stirred a little screwing up his eyes and Dean stopped. When he stilled Dean did it again. Castiel rolled over onto the now ticklish right ear and onto the right side of the book. Dean leaned behind him.

'According to known lore, there is no conceivable way for a fallen angel to, if he was separated from his grace, have it rejoin him or her, not if it was used for a blasphemous act. Once it is utilized in such a way, with the angel's permission or not, it is tainted so that the very soul of the angel will reject the grace - no matter the urgency or vessel. Such a thing is impossible.'

Dean leaned down to look at- yes there was definitely something scribbled in the margin.

'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible'.

Dean knew the handwriting.

He sighed. "Cas." He stroked the man's hair then shook his head. "I'm sorry." Then he turned and walked down the corridor to the bathroom.

When he was gone Castiel opened his eyes and sat up to look in the direction that Dean had gone. "Me too," he said then ran his own hand over his hair and looked back at the book before closing it and standing to put it back where he got it, itching his right ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used a little reference to "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe when Cas catches Dean sleeping - 'the darkness gave no token'.  
> 


	4. Chapter 4

Castiel had his shower too and, when it was late enough, they headed out of the base to the car to go and get breakfast and supplies. Castiel had a smug look on his face and it made Dean nervous because he was trying to hide it, that was never good. Dean didn't like when Cas hid things from him, even smirks. Not after everything.

"What is with you?" He walked around the car to the driver's side and Castiel shook his head acting as if he had no idea what Dean meant. Dean sighed and got in the car.

When he started the engine Castiel reached for one of the cassettes eagerly.

"Can we listen to this one?" he asked.

Dean looked at it. Bon Jovi. "Why?" He looked suspiciously at him. Why Bon Jovi and why was he so happy?

Castiel shrugged. Dean sighed and put it in the slot before roaring away down the lane towards some kind of civilisation.

A few songs went passed, Dean was watching him and he seemed to be listening intently. The song changed and he smiled. About a minute in Dean widened his eyes.

Cas was singing, " _She says we've got to hold on to what we've got, 'cause it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not, we've got each other-_ Don't you laugh at me, Winchester." He turned and smiled when Dean was laughing gently. " _Whooah, we're half way there_."

The former angel looked away when Dean started joining in with him.

_"Livin' on a prayer. Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear. Livin' on a prayer!"_

"Is this what you were doing last night?" Dean looked to his left trying not to laugh again when Castiel shh'ed him and kept singing.

When they had finished the song Dean pressed the eject button and asked, "What other songs do you know?" as he started sorting through his tapes.

>><<

"Alright, we're just gonna stock up and then head back, okay?" Dean asked and Castiel nodded as he followed Dhim into a supermarket. "I hate these places."

"Then why are we here?" Castiel watched as Dean grabbed a basket then looked between them and put it back.

"Because we won't get everything that we need at a gas n' sip." He got a shopping cart and grimaced at it.

Castiel tottered along behind him thinking about his apology that morning. Not the way he had ran his hand through his hair. Or the picture.

"Dean," he eventually said, Dean turned just after they passed the detectors. "In your room, the picture on your desk - who is it?"

Dean looked at him as if going to answer and then screwed up his eyebrows. "When were you in my room?"

Castiel looked down. "I just had a little look around last night and came across your room, I didn't mean to intrude I was just passing."

Dean looked him up and down as if he didn't believe him then raised his eyebrows and turned to keep walking. "My mom."

Castiel didn't answer and kept following Dean as they walked down towards the clothes section of the store. Castiel shook his head as the memory of the other night floated through momentarily. The picture changed from Lisa to Mary. Castiel exhaled silently.

Dean looked back almost apologetically. "Until we get more money this will have to do, hope that's okay."

Castiel was sizing up the feeling settling over him. He tried to give it a label but, how would he know what it was? He felt calmer and...

 _Re... Relieved? Is that what this feeling was?_ _Yes._

It must be, he had felt it before and it was such then. But why did that answer give Castiel relief? "Yes, thank you. I will find a way to-"

Dean cut him off. "I don't want your money, Cas." He suddenly stopped and turned back to face Cas in the underwear aisle. "What were you really doing, watching me sleep?"

Castiel stopped and looked at Dean, who had let go the cart and stood with his back to it. "No. Well, I may have unintentionally looked at you while you slept but I wasn't 'watching you sleep'."

"Then what?" Dean was angry and Castiel didn't understand why.

"I was just-"

"No, don't bullshit me Cas, after everything I can't take even the smallest lie from you."

Castiel went silent. When he spoke it was in a gruff whisper, "I was just checking." Dean shook is head as if waiting for more explanation. "I was just checking that you were alright." Castiel shrugged a little embarrassed.

"You don't need to-"

"I know, I know that you don't need me," Castiel said, walked around him, took the cart to the end of the aisle and Dean turned to look.

>><<

"Just finish putting everything on here for me and I'll pack," Dean said, Castiel nodded and continued emptying the contents of their cart onto the conveyor belt as Dean went to the other end and helped the cashier pack things into bags.

"Big shop today, huh?" the woman directed to Dean.

"Yep." He smiled as he continued picking things up and Castiel looked on. "Bigger than we expected..." He looked to her badge. "Jennifer." She smiled and kept ringing things up.

"Isn't that the way?" She smirked at Dean and Castiel felt himself getting quite irritated.

_Why was that? Because he was being ignored? Probably._

Dean noticed the way she was looking at him and cleared his throat, looking down at the bags. He'd seen that look enough to know where this could eventually lead. Uh-oh.

"Just passing through?" she asked, again looking at Dean while Castiel finished putting their shopping on the belt and began to push the cart around to Dean's right side, where the checkout ended, leaving it where Dean pointed.

"Yes, we're on our way home." He gestured to Castiel who stood on Dean's right watching him pack. "Isn't that right, hon?" When Dean paused, mid-packing, Castiel looked up slowly to see Dean was looking at him. "Isn't that right... angel?" Dean widened his eyes ever so slightly.

"Uh, yes.. Just going home," Castiel managed to get out and smiled at the cashier who smiled back, only politely, her face then fell when she looked down to the deodorant in her hand as she scanned it. "I'll just put this in the trolley." Castiel smiled at Dean as he leaned to pick up a few bags and then, when Jennifer looked along the belt, he tilted his head to Dean who just shot him a stern look that told him to shut up for now.

They paid their bill and Dean pushed the cart towards the exit, Castiel turned back to see how far away they were from the cashier.

"Not just now," Dean muttered and they walked outside in silence.

Dean started taking the bags out of their cart then Castiel caught on and helped, Dean nodded to the shopping cart bank and Castiel, watching the woman in front of him, pushed it over using his elbows to guide it then used his hips to push it, just as Dean had with the cutlery drawer, into the other trolleys. Dean wasn't watching at all. Nope.

When Castiel walked back over to him they walked to the car.

Dean finally broke his silence, "She was interested in me, she would have eventually hit on me. This place is far too close to the base for that sort of thing. It's easier to cut her off now by suggesting that I'm gay than to say no. In case we have to come back." He managed to open the back door of the car, Castiel went round the other side to copy him. He looked up as they both leaned in to put the bags in the back seats. "I hope that was okay?"

Castiel looked to him. "Of course?"

They leaned back out and closed the doors, talking over the roof. "I mean about how..." He pointed to the sky. "Feels about all  _that_."

They opened their doors and got in. "God doesn't care and neither do I." He sighed.

"You didn't say 'my father'?" They slammed the doors simultaneously.

"Well, he's not any more, is he?" Castiel looked towards the entrance of the shop. They were being watched.

Dean sighed, leaning his left forearm on the steering wheel when he turned to look at Cas. "My dad was never there for me or Sam but he was still our dad. And Bobby wasn't our biological father but that didn't matter to us." Castiel looked back to him. "Your parents are who you know they are, nothing else matters."

Castiel looked over Dean to the entrance again then back to the hunter's face. He leaned in and kissed Dean's left cheek. Dean's eyes automatically closed when Castiel's warmth approached him and contacted. Dean's eyes sprung open again as Cas pulled away. "Thank you."

"What was that?" Dean was frozen to the spot.

Castiel suddenly panicked. "I'm sorry, it's just... It's Jennifer's break." He looked down and Dean looked to the side of the entrance where Jennifer was stood looking at them having a cigarette. "I won't do it again. But..." Castiel opened his mouth and closed his eyes and Dean moved back as he sneezed.

"Cover your mouth next time." Dean reached into his door and pulled out a bunch of scrunched up tissues. He found the cleanest one and handed it to Castiel. "I don't need your germs."

Cas took the tissue. "Thank you, Dean." He wiped his mouth and nose. "And for what you said." Dean glanced to him before pulling another tissue and wiping his dash.

>><<

"Come on, come on!" Dean clapped his hands as he sat in the main room with his feet up on the table. "Show me!"

"Dean, I don't think I should."

"Why, come on?" Dean waited and got silence. "I will come back there."

There was a sigh. "Fine. But I look silly." Castiel appeared in the doorway to the main room and Dean dropped his feet to the floor forcing him to sit up in his seat properly and his mouth slipped open. Castiel's hair was styled up, he had a leather jacket on, khaki green t-shirt, dark jeans and black faded chelsea boots. Dean only realised they were called that because when Cas had picked them out he had looked at him weirdly wondering where he was getting his choices.

Castiel saw the look on Dean's face. "I told you I look stupid."

"No!" Dean said as he stood up, well he more shouted it. He looked to the side as he tried to figure out why for a second then ignored it. "No, you don't. I just, uh, I just didn't expect everything to go together so well." Dean cupped the other man's upper arms as he approached him and looked down, Cas did too, smiling, and they hit heads.

"Sorry." They said it at the same time but they reached for each other's heads too.

When they realized they laughed and Dean took a step back from Castiel. "Ready?" Castiel nodded and Dean lead the way out of the bunker widening his eyes to no one.

_Holy shit._

>><<

"I'll just have a beer." Castiel nodded to the barman. "Thank you."

Dean looked up at the TV briefly, not interested in who was playing what or how well. He did wonder if Sandra had gotten Hilary's job, though. Less then a minute later the barman put Dean's whiskey and Castiel's beer down on the counter and Dean tossed him some money with thanks. Castiel started coughing and leaned on the bar to direct it to the floor. Dean grabbed the napkin that was under his drink and, with his left hand on Castiel's right shoulder blade he leaned down. "You alright?"

Castiel nodded as his coughing came to a stop. He took the napkin that Dean handed him and dabbed his mouth. "Maybe we should just go back."

"Aw, now don't do that." They both looked to Castiel's left, a woman with dark hair was leaning her left elbow on the bar looking at Castiel. She looked briefly to Dean as he smirked and then she refocused on Cas. "I was beginning to think my night wasn't a total loss." Dean figured she must have been from around Georgia by her accent.

Cas just straightened up but didn't say anything. "I'm Dean," Dean smiled, "this is Cas and he's not going anywhere but," Cas looked to Dean, " _I_ am going to the little boys room." He hit Castiel on the shoulder a little. "Try not to cough up a lung while I'm gone." He made a hasty exit.

Castiel turned to the woman and smiled a little. "He's just kidding, it's not possible to actually cough up an entire lung. He's always joking like that."

She smiled. After a pause she looked to the side realizing she was going to have her work cut out. "So, Cas?" He took a drink of his beer, slowly and raised his eyebrows in response. "Are you going to guess my name or are you going to ask?"

"I apologize." He looked at her, his eyes narrowing a little. He stayed like that for nearly half a minute.

"Lydia." She offered, realizing that he was going to guess. Or maybe wasn't. "Is Cas short for something?"

He nodded. "Castiel but Dean calls me Cas. Actually, a few people call me that now." He turned to look at the bar. "I don't really understand why they don't say my full name."

"Probably because it sounds older than your face looks." She finished her drink in one mouthful catching Cas' eye when he looked back to her.

"Yes, but it would have been quite unrealistic to have found a vessel to reflect my age." She looked at him and smiled then glanced back to her empty glass. "I would offer to purchase you a refill but I'm afraid my friend is the one with money tonight."

"Back just in time then." Dean slid into his space on Castiel's right and fished in his pocket. He took out some notes and handed them to Castiel. "If you'll excuse me." He picked up his drink and walked over to a blonde sitting by herself. Castiel watched him and when he sat down Dean looked up and gestured with his hands for him to go back to talking to Lydia.

Castiel turned to Lydia and she smiled before putting her hand on his. "Why I don't I get mine this time and you can get the next?" He smiled and stuffed the notes into his coat pocket. She signalled to the barman and moved a little closer to Castiel.

Dean was watching them, every now and again he looked away from Rachel to see them deep in conversation or laughing. He could only see the back of Castiel's leather coat. He thought for a second about how weird it was that Castiel had legs. Silly, he knew, because of course he had legs but whenever Dean had seen him from the back he had been wearing his trench coat. As good as he looked in what he was wearing... _Wait what?_ Em, as different and  _refreshing_  as this was, that's a better way to put it, Dean missed the coat. But the jeans did look good.

"So, I decided that if I was ever going to become a musician then that was the shove I needed... Are you alright?"

Dean snapped back to Rebecca and smiled. "Yes, sorry." She looked at the bar then back to him expectantly. "He's my friend and this is his first time in a place like this and doing anything like this..." Dean trailed off as he looked up to see Lydia and Castiel kissing at the bar. Lydia wasn't kissing Cas while he stood there frozen to the spot. They were kissing each other and Dean was surprised. Dean had seen his friend kiss before, when he unexpectedly snogged Meg in front of him and Sam but that was Castiel, the angel wrestling with his own decisions. This? This was Cas, the human. A walking consequence of those decisions. _And shit, he was really going for it._

"I don't think you need to be worried." Rochelle giggled and knocked her glass against Dean's beer to get his attention.

"No." Dean forced a smile onto his face. "No, I guess not."

>><<

"Hey," Dean walked up to the bar beside Castiel as he leaned on it, "where's your friend?"

Castiel looked to him. "Restroom." They shared a smile and then the barman walked over. "Same again."

"Us too." Dean answered when the barman looked to him. The barman then glanced over to the table to remind himself of what Dean's company was drinking. "So, you're like a fish out of water."

Castiel turned to Dean. "Dead?"

Dean laughed. "No..." He looked to Castiel for a minute. His innocent smile making Dean twitch one of his own. "It means you're a natural." Castiel's confusion relaxed to bashfulness. "I didn't know you had it in you."

"I didn't do anything." He answered. "I do have one question."

Dean raised his eyebrows. "Shoot." The barman put the drinks down and took the money Dean and Castiel left on the bar.

"What is the cowgirl?"

Dean nearly choked on what was left in his glass. He gathered himself and looked at Cas silent for a second. "...What?"

"I didn't mean to startle you. Earlier Lydia asked me if I preferred the cowgirl or not. What does that mean?"

Dean looked at the various people around them then down as he wiped his face readying himself. "Well, it could mean many things... I don't want to confuse you. What  _exactly_  did she say?"

Castiel looked around as Dean had and Dean watched him. What was he looking for? Did  _he_  even know? "We were talking, she wanted to know if I knew any motels around here and when I asked if she was without a home she looked at me, smiled..." He cleared his throat. "She then said I was cute and asked if I preferred cowgirl."

"I don't even understand..." Dean was astounded. Of course he had never had much trouble picking up women, shit look at him, he knew he was good-looking - he had been told enough and he would get come-ons without it even crossing his mind. However, here was a guy who hadn't been human over a week and picked up a chick by coughing his guts up and not understanding when someone was suggesting a one nighter.

"Neither do I. What does one even qualify as cute? Do  _you_  think I'm cute?" Castiel asked Dean. Dean had to confirm that in his head. He had actually asked him that. Dean and Castiel just stood there looking at each other for a split second. Dean's brain definitely needed a jump start. When Lydia walked over and Castiel looked to her Dean would have looked around for some help but his brain was just dead.

"I think you are, isn't that enough?" Lydia was back from the restroom and she stood between Castiel and Dean. "So, should we get out of here?"

"Are you ready to go?" Castiel looked to Dean and Lydia cocked her eyebrow at Cas.

"I was thinking just you and me, cowboy." She winked and Dean tried the key in the engine of his brain. Wouldn't start.

"What for?" Castiel tilted his head to her. She looked offended and then put her hands up as if defeated.

Dean tried the engine again. It roared to life. He turned to Lydia. "Wait, just..." He put his hand out to pull Cas closer to him. "He doesn't get what you're saying. You have to, just let me spell it out for him." She relaxed still unsure. "Give us a second." He pulled Castiel towards his table and mouthed to Rayanne that he'd just be a second. The pair was out of earshot of either girl but Dean still lowered his voice and Castiel leaned in as if waiting for a secret. Dean kept his right hand on Cas' left shoulder. "Cas, listen to me carefully, alright?" Castiel nodded. "That girl," he pointed lazily with his left hand and Cas turned to look, they both smiled as Lydia noticed then looked back to each other, "wants to go to a motel..." Cas nodded again, "and sleep with you." Dean regretted saying that as soon as he had.

"She doesn't look tired." Dean's eyes closed. "Are  _you_  tired?"

Dean shook his head. "No." Dean opened his eyes. "Let me try this again, okay?" Cas nodded again. "Lydia wants you to go to a motel with her and have sex."

Cas had been nodding through Dean talking, taking each word as it came but a second after Dean had finished talking he had strung each word together into a sentence. And then he stopped nodding. "Sex?" Dean nodded. "Her?" He pointed back and Dean reached out for his hand to pull it back while nodding. "With  _me?_... Why?"

His face screwed up at the last word and it hit Dean. He wasn't confused by the sex part, not really; he had been an angel of the Lord, not stupid. He wasn't confused about the girl. He was confused as to why she would want to have sex _with him_. "She's attracted to you. Is that such an unbelievable thing?"

Castiel paused a moment. It seemed that it was. "Well. I mean." He stopped again. "I never thought that humans would find my vessel... Do  _you_  find my-"

Dean cut him off. "Don't." Castiel stopped. "Don't ask me that. Stop asking me things like that." Castiel nodded. "Here." Dean pulled out his wallet and fished some cash as he saw Lydia get more restless behind Cas. He held out money for Cas to take which he did. "Go to the motel across the street and..." He turned to look at Remy and smiled to test the waters, when she smiled back in that way Dean winked. "I will be there too. If you can't find me in the morning just come back to the car, yeah?"

Castiel nodded and then Dean turned to walk away. "Dean?" Dean turned back. Castiel swallowed, still holding the money out as Dean had handed him it. "What do I  _do_?" He widened his eyes as his cheeks reddened.

Dean leaned in and whispered. "You remember the pizza man, right?" He pulled back, winked and walked behind Castiel to the bar. He said something to Lydia and grabbed the drinks there before passing Castiel again to rejoin his company.

Castiel shoved the money back into his pocket and walked to the bar. "Apologies." She smiled and he turned to face her properly. "Look, I'm not used to places like this." He paused. "Situations like this. I'm sorry if it appeared that I wasn't-"

"That's okay. Do you want to get out of here?" She appeared more relaxed, as if she wasn't trying so hard now understanding that he wasn't unimpressed, he was just shy. As Dean had muttered to her.

He was glad that she cut him off because what was he meant to say after that? 'I'm sorry if it appeared that I wasn't interested?' Kissing was all very well and good but further? He thought back to the pizza man. The knock at the door. The half naked woman who answered and the way the pizza man looked at her. The hunger and light in his eyes. Did he feel that?

"Sure." It was all Castiel could make his lips say.

She walked along the bar towards Dean's table and then turned left towards the exit beside the pool table. Castiel turned after her and as he walked to follow her out Dean looked up from the pale female hand stroking his jaw and caught Castiel's eye. Dean's own said 'don't worry, you'll be fine' and Cas' said 'I'm ready to try this part of being human, don't worry'.

At least that's what they read in each other.

>><<

"I'm feeling a little thirsty, I'm just going to get a soda." Castiel pointed along the rows of motel rooms towards the vending machine as Lydia opened their door, nodding to him before she slipped inside. He walked along and looked briefly at the moon. This would be considered a sin before he fell, still would be. More than that, expressly forbidden - an angel and a human. But now, now it was just a temptation - a human and a human in a lustrous pre-marital embrace. He thought back to what Dean had said, about the pizza man and Castiel being a natural. Dean did this all of the time, as did billions of people - this was part of being human. So why wasn't it settling on his shoulders like all of the other things?

He pushed the buttons on the machine after feeding it money. Showering? He thought back to the bathroom of that motel room in Utah and Dean's offering to show him the path. Drying his hair which put him to sleep. Was it that? Or was it more knowing that the burden was shared? Castiel knew the answer. He hadn't asked Dean what that feeling was, the one when he had woken up - he was embarrassed to. Teaching him to shave. Castiel smiled slowly as he opened his can thinking about the both of them with shaving cream on their faces. And the singing.

Castiel stopped a few steps away from the vending machine. "Dean is going out of his way to help me. He feels helpless because Sam is pulling away and I will not let him down." He dropped the can in the trash and walked on. Quickly and deliberately. With purpose. On a mission again. He walked to the door and exhaled before he knocked.

Lydia came to the window and then opened the door. She had tossed her jacket over the chair nearest the door and it revealed her necklace. It looked like a dreamcatcher and for a moment Castiel wondered if he had seen it before. She opened it wide before stepping back to let him inside. "You didn't have to knock."

Castiel walked in and shut the door behind him. He wrapped his arms around her waist and turned her, quickly enough to give her a little shock when her back hit the door. He then kissed her as she pushed his leather coat down his shoulders and he moved his arms from her waist as he helped pull it off. She tossed it in the direction of the chair and table, it hit the chair that her own jacket was sitting on and knocked it over. Castiel broke the kiss and looked when it thudded to the floor.

Something outside caught his eye as Lydia kissed his neck. He looked and saw Dean and the woman he had been drinking with stumble across the parking lot laughing and kissing. Castiel saw the key in Dean's hand and her lean to kiss his neck. Some kind of anger bubbled inside of him and it lay like a burden on his heart.

"Are you alright?" Lydia asked and Castiel looked back to her.

"No." Was all he said. Then he began to kiss her neck and her arms came up to wrap around his neck. She didn't press it further but she did turn her head a little to try and look where he had been looking. She saw Dean and his girl walking along the path outside trying to find their door. She understood and she didn't care. He was taking his anger out on her throat and she loved it. She brought her left leg up to rest on his right hip and his hand automatically moved up to hold it there.

Castiel looked up to her when she hooked her left leg around his waist and braced her arms so that he could, and he did, pull the other up.

From outside Dean and Rae were laughing because they had gotten the wrong door three times now and even burst in on one couple who were, thankfully, too focused on each other for the guy to pay Dean back with a punch. Dean pointed one way along the row. "I think it's along here."

She stopped beside a room window and held his arm to stop him. "No, it's up there at the end." She smiled pointing along the way they had just come, to the second floor. "Come on." She walked away and Dean turned to look where he had pointed then looked back to her. It was then that something flickered at him. He saw a figure in the window of the room they had stopped outside. He smiled as he glanced inside but it slowly fell when he realized it wasn't one figure but two. Castiel, still in his top and denim pants - leather jacket nowhere to be seen - carrying Lydia who had no jacket herself and her legs wrapped around his waist. They were kissing, Castiel quite roughly, before he turned his back on Dean and, when his legs hit the bed, he tumbled on top of her onto it.

Dean stood watching not questioning why, or why his smile had faded or why he was suddenly very deflated. He turned when Rhoda called his name and walked towards her voice, but not before one last look. When they got to the second floor and it turned out Dean was right, they walked along that landing before going down the stairs at the other side. When Reese asked why, Dean didn't tell her. He didn't tell her that the thought of passing that window made him feel low or that he didn't understand why. He just muttered that it was quicker and, once they were inside the room, let her take the lead. He could have done without the dance that night but he moved in step anyway.

His mind never entered that room with him and Castiel's was somewhere else. Both bodies acting on what was expected of them.

Humans man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a review (on fanfiction dot net) pointing out that the girl Dean goes back to the motel with is referred to as a different name each time. This was on purpose to show that Dean's mind was elsewhere, if that was more confusing than obvious then I apologise but I think I'm going to keep it that way. Thanks for the review though, Guest! 
> 
> Also, I know Dean has the expression backwards, It was actually me that got the expression backwards and once I realized I decided to keep it because I thought it could be an interesting thing, the kind of quirk that you tend to learn from parents/friends/siblings - like how some people say 'I could care less' instead of 'I couldn't care less' - and I wanted it to be something Dean picked up in high school, reflecting on how they never quite fit into normal life and don't worry, Sam picks up on it in the sequel to this - it will be addressed.
> 
> There's a little nod to a song called "The Weight" by The Band here when Lydia asks Cas if he's okay and the line reads "No" was all he said." That's a line from the song 'no was all he said'. Jensen sang this song during a JIB con and I saw the video on youtube and I love it. If you haven't heard it, please do. 
> 
> And the song Cas and Dean sing is of course, "Living on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the morning after the night before. Also, there's a bar fight but there's not 'graphic violence' so I didn't archive warning it. It's just your average punch up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to do some research on how to drive the Impala but I couldn't get much so if there's mistakes I'm sorry and please tell me. Bare in mind I'm Scottish, I'm not a driver and know nothing about cars. Thanks.

There wasn't anything new in it for Dean. R... hell, he had given up trying to remember her name, even though she sure liked to say his. But in all fairness, he'd had that before as well. Dean had let her take charge as he usually did, she had pulled him inside the door and then pushed him backwards towards the bed. For Dean it was like he was watching it happen because, as was said, his mind was not in the room. Of course you understand what is meant by that - like when people say 'sorry, I was miles away' even though they were standing right in front of you when they weren't listening to word you said. Dean was in the room; he moved his arms to help her as she pushed his shirt from around his shoulders, he even reached to pull her top over her head and he watched as they rippled to the ground at opposite sides of the pair. He walked backwards as she guided him to the side of the bed and he braced himself when he fell back onto it.

But all the while he was thinking. It was that part of him that wasn't in the room and it was that part of him that had his body on auto-pilot.

So he shuffled back on the bed a bit when she told him to as she took off her boots, he noticed when the bed dipped as she crawled onto it and over him. He even made the customary relief noise when she undid his belt and jeans. And when she did that his body showed the interest she expected that it had. His hand ghosted along her arm as she kissed his neck while she pushed his t-shirt up and he lifted his upper body to remove it. He definitely took a breath when the air touched him as more of his lower body's skin was revealed and she traced her lips and tongue down his torso. The noise that escaped his mouth when she went down on him was unmistakeable. And so was the look on his face, hidden by the darkness.

His breathing might have been laboured, his muscles tensing slightly while the sweat began to bead and the temperature in the room rose but as Dean looked out of the motel room window all he could see was into another one. Not literally, but that four or five seconds of Castiel carrying Lydia to the bed with a passion that was definitely not heavenly and landing over her on the bed was right there.

And that's where Dean had left his mind, outside that room.

The room in which Castiel let Lydia roll over on top of him. She pulled her top off and leaned down to kiss him again, his neck croaned as he pushed back against her lips. The heat in the room was already simmering as Lydia pulled Castiel's top over his head and threw it to the floor. Castiel flipped her back over and when she reached for his jeans he reached for hers. She relented and helped him, lifting her hips to let him pull them off with a grunt of frustration - when Castiel tossed those in the direction of the floor at the foot of the bed they hit the wall with a thud before falling. He lunged back up to kiss her again, all teeth and tongue, his right hand reached to grip her leg as she let her feet lie flat on the bed, bending her knees. She reached for his jeans again, Castiel leaned back on his knees and Lydia sat up to help him. Once his belt was undone he pulled the jeans down, not caring that she wasn't done undoing the button and zip. As he kicked them off to the floor he stumbled a little and she cupped his upper arms to stop him collapsing on her. She asked him if he was okay, in a voice as rough as his own, but all Cas caught was a mumbled 'sorry' that he'd heard and said when he'd bumped heads with someone else. Someone who had had a key and a girl kissing  _his_  neck outside the motel room window. He didn't answer her, he had already told her he wasn't, so he leaned down over her and kissed her cheek, slowly and almost sadly. It took her quite by surprise: it was like a feather on her skin, their breathing quiet and all that could be heard was the traffic and people in the next room. He pulled back to look her in the eye and the sound of that couple suddenly brought Cas back to what he was doing. He kissed her again, grabbed her leg and ran his hand up it to her ass cheek as he got to work drowning out that couple - it wasn't  _those_  two but, to Cas, it may as well have been.

>><<

The next morning Dean lay awake staring at the ceiling and whatever her name was lay next to him naked and asleep. He had been lying like that for long enough that the sky outside had started to get light even through the rain that had been pelting the window for at least an hour.

Castiel had been lying in the bed with Lydia's arm over his body, then he had tried moving it and sitting up against the headboard but moved to the table beside the window. Everything was irritating him. He had expected to come down after that, he had expected the bubbling agitation in his chest to die away with his own release but it hadn't: it had just spread to his legs and arms. He felt like his body was covered in sweat and sex and it itched. Everything itched and irritated, he just had to move. He looked at the rain trailing awkwardly down the window - he didn't remember when it started so he surmised that it had to have been when he was asleep. There was a light on the horizon and he suddenly decided that he wanted to go outside so he got dressed and opened the door, holding his leather coat in his left hand. He looked to Lydia as he turned in the doorway, she lay facing the bathroom awake and waiting for him to leave, he sighed and clicked it closed in front of him. He looked up at the sky, he strolled along the walkway to a bench that he decided he wanted to sit on, it wasn't sheltered and that was fine because when Cas sat down on it and felt the rain on his skin and hair he felt a little heavier. But not in the troubled way he had been since last night, in the way you feel when you start to settle into comfort or just into the oncoming absence of irritation.

Castiel didn't know how long he sat there, in the rain and Dean didn't realize how long he had been staring at the ceiling as the day settled on the world. Castiel watched when the blonde emerged from the room at the far end of the ground floor in the same clothes as the last time he had seen her and pulled out her mobile before she power-walked out of the complex. He saw her head bob over the weeds blocking some of his view but he heard the door slam and saw the taxi pull away. It was a while later when another door opened and Lydia pulled it closed behind her, if she saw Castiel she didn't let on to him. She walked to the office to hand in the key, Castiel hadn't even thought about that but he was surprised out of that idle thought to see her walk to a truck parked in the middle of the complex and drive away, as if she knew this is where she'd be waking up. The rain began to get lighter and lighter until it stopped and about half an hour later the door out of which the blonde had left opened. Castiel panicked. He stood, threw his coat on over his drying t-shirt as he turned his back to the door quickly.

Dean looked at the light, it didn't hurt his eyes like it usually did, probably because he had watched it gradually appear, but he didn't fancy going out there. He had put it off as much as possible, even being there when she had woken up, which he never liked to do. The thought of driving back to the base made him hazy. But it wasn't the drive. He stepped out of the door and turned left, but not before he caught sight of Castiel throwing his jacket on in a hurry. Dean turned back to the office as he handed in the key, looking out at Cas as he put his foot up on the bench and fussed with his boots. Dean walked over wondering how Castiel had slept as he lay awake staring at the ceiling. As he got closer he could barely look at his former angel, former virgin, so he just walked passed him. "Come on, long drive back to Kansas."

Dean had insisted that they had found a bar outside of Kansas, just to be safe and so they had found one just over the border in Oklahoma. Now they had to drive back from Enid to Lebanon; a four or five hour drive, give or take, depending on traffic.

Castiel put his head down, unable to really look at Dean as he followed him across to the bar's parking lot to pick up the car. They got in without a word and Dean pulled away, Castiel looked awkwardly to Dean and stared when he saw a purple mark on the right of his neck, where he had seen the girl kiss him through the window last night - it hadn't been hard enough to leave a mark like that so suddenly Cas' mind was flooded with images of just how it got there and he knew that just because that was the only mark he could see didn't mean that it was the only one Dean had. He turned to look out of his window as the sun began to dry the road and side walks.

Dean's eyes looked to him as Cas looked away, he noticed a drop of water run from his hair down his neck and Dean just realized - that smell. It was wet - not damp - but wet threatening to turn into damp. Wet fabric and wet leather and wet Cas. He was soaked through... Again. Dean looked down to see the tops of his jeans darker than the back of them - he was sitting in the rain?

"Cas-" Dean started but when he turned in response, with a blank smile, Dean realized how it wasn't so innocent any more. "H-How was last night?" Was all he could offer, instead of asking why he would have been sitting in the pouring rain that stopped about an hour ago. He let a smile grow on his face, encouraging it with the reminder that he was supposed to be supportive and not only make Cas feel like a human but also one of the guys. And guys talk about their nights, well not with Sam, but friends should. At least they should be able to without this static running through them.

"It was..." Cas clenched his teeth. "An eye opener."

>><<

Cas had been in a mood all damn day and Dean was getting fed up of it. They went out to try and find ways to get more money. Cas would play along but there was a strain in his jaw that Dean tried to ignore. He'd had it since that morning in the car and Dean couldn't understand it. Dean chalked his cue and leaned in. "Will you dial back the attitude? They'll catch on."

Cas didn't answer. He just looked up with a stern look that all Dean could do in reply was screw up his brow. _What the hell, man?_

"Hey," Dean turned back to the biker he was hustling, "we doin' this?" He gestured to the pool table and Dean looked back to Cas who was just staring at his beer.

"Yeah." Dean walked around the table, away from Cas' stool, and broke the game. Well, he didn't. He hit the red ball on the right side, third row and the balls barely moved. The bikers smirked and Dean sighed. But that was the plan. Castiel shook his head as if that shot pissed him off but Dean wasn't sure that's what it was. They played for a while until Castiel was in the way. Dean mumbled an 'excuse me', since Castiel was sitting where he needed his cue to point outward from the table at and he made to lean over but Cas didn't move. Dean leaned on the table with his left hand, the bottom of his cue still on the ground, looking back at Cas. "Steven?" Castiel didn't look up. You might say his mind was somewhere else. Aggressively somewhere else. "Steven?" Dean said pointedly, that being Cas' name right now.

What happened next changed the course of that game.

Castiel didn't raise his head, he didn't stop rubbing his thumb into the edge of the beer bottle label - all that moved were his eyes. They were dark, angry and laden with something unsaid. Or unscreamed. " _What?_ " That was nothing more than a deep mutter squeezing through clenched teeth and bone.

"You're in the way of your buddy's shot." One of the biker's next to Castiel said flippantly, completely bored of the game.

Castiel, eyes still on Dean - lethally on Dean - stood, his arms staying low hanging holding his half finished beer, and paused staring at the elder Winchester before turning to walk away and that was it.

Dean decided that this wasn't worth a few hundred bucks, the way that Castiel was looking at him was uncalled for, confusing and... well, it damn hurt! He didn't look at Lydia like that.

"Alright," Dean turned to look at him and Castiel stopped, mid turn, with a sigh, "what the hell is wrong? You've been like this since this morning and I'm sick of it."

"Nothing." Castiel turned to stare Dean down. "Play the damn game." He made to turn again and Dean grabbed the arm of his leather coat. Cas threw him off of him and Dean stumbled back to the table, the pool cue hit off the side and fell down Dean's leg to the ground where it rolled towards Castiel. "Leave me alone."

Dean caught himself, with his hands on the pool table, and just looked at Cas. "What is your problem?!"

Cas took a step towards Dean and a couple of the bikers held him back thinking he was going to start a fight. Castiel stopped and looked to the side a little. "Get your hands off of me." That was Castiel talking, not Cas. Commanding. The bikers all tried to speak saying that there was no way they were going to let them fight in their favorite bar. The barman shouted a warning and Dean turned to look at him to his left, as he did Castiel caught sight of Dean's neck. Castiel stared at the purple mark there.

Everything went a bit slow for Dean after that; he heard the noise before he saw it, he felt the hands holding him back before he even moved, he smelled the blood before it was spilled. He turned his head back to see Castiel in mid-punch, he had pushed the two men off of him and started to punch one while the other pulled him back. Castiel stumbled a little as the man who he was trying to punch backed up, Castiel shrugged the second man off and lunged forward with that man following him. Dean looked down at the hands holding him back from intervening then at the blood splattering over the pool table to the right of him. When he looked back to his right again the second man, and a third, were holding Cas still while the first pounded his fists into his face and then his stomach. Dean looked down to the pool cue on the floor and his brain screeched for 0 to 60 quicker than the Impala could dream of.

He looked to the guy on his left and head butted him, he stumbled back before Dean followed in with a punch, that sent him flying backwards into a table against that wall. A couple, who were sat at it, stood up as he took their drinks and food to the ground with him. Dean turned to the guy on his right and pulled his right fist back aiming it for his face, when the man grabbed it, pushing it further across to his own right side, wide of his face, Dean followed through bursting his nose with his right elbow. He then grabbed the man's leather coat and turned him the other way before kneeing him in between his legs, something Dean didn't like - every guy knew that shit was not fighting right but he was trying to get to Cas. Dean knew that Cas could fight, even without his angel powers and strength but he was just letting these guys pound into his ribs. Dean stared for a second as the man behind him groaned on the floor. Crotch shot, man down. For a while at least.

Dean pulled one of the guys holding Cas, the one on Cas' right, who then noticed the other two on the floor and lunged for Dean. Dean punch him and smacked his head off of the pool table then let go so that he could slip to the ground nicely. The man punching Cas took a hold of him when Dean turned his attention to the other man who had been holding Cas up. Dean punched first but the man moved and hit Dean in the ribs. It winded him enough that the guy got the upper hand, punched Dean in the face and the vision in his left eye blurred. He stumbled and then he was punched in the other side. He held onto the pool table with his right elbow and left hand trying not to end up a sandwich between the I've-been-kneed-really-hard-in-the-balls-so-now-I'm-in-the-foetal-position guy and the pool-tables-and-faces-were-never-meant-to-collide-like-that guy.

Cas was thrown against the wall by his abuser. He watched Dean fall and his anger changed. He looked to the man laughing at him and head-butted him. When the guy's head flew back and then straightened back up he was angry and bruising already. Cas held onto his hands, which were holding onto Cas' open leather jacket and nutted him again. The man stumbled back and Cas just pushed him so that he fell further. He leaned down, picked up the pool cue on the floor and swung it across the back of the man standing over Dean. It snapped as it moulded itself around his back. He convulsed as it hit him and fell towards the pool table, a little across Dean who was kneeling on the floor and still holding onto the pool table. Dean decided he was already fighting dirty so he punched that guy in between his legs too. In for a dime, in for a dollar and all that.

Castiel knelled down to Dean, put his half of the pool cue on the floor and reached the two fingers on his right hand to Dean's forehead. As soon as his fingers touched it he realized his mistake. His face fell, as did his fingers, he ignored the groans of the guys trying to stand up - one with his hands cupped between his legs; another realizing he was covered in soda, alcohol and two half eaten cheeseburgers; the other with the pool table indent on the side of his face who, Dean suspected, was playing more hurt than he actually was; and there the guy who couldn't lie on his back because of the pool cue that had broke across it but couldn't bare to lie on his front due to Dean's punt in the balls so he stuck with lying on his side and was definitely staying that way. Not to mention the guy sprawled out at the foot of some couple's booth with a cut and bruised eye and a smacked head where it hit the floor when Castiel threw him backwards.

Dean put his own right hand to Castiel's jaw. "We're going to have to do this the old fashioned way, Cas. Come on." He looked to the barman as he was on the phone and Cas looked too. "We need to get out of here."

Castiel put his right hand under Dean's left arm and gripped his whole hand in his left. "Quickly." He agreed as he pulled Dean to his feet. Castiel grabbed the money that had somehow managed to stay under the biker's drink on the ledge on the wall and they threw the door open ignoring the protests from the manager.

They got to the car but Dean's eyes meant it was hard for him to see. They looked at each other. The men had been laying mostly body shots on Castiel and Dean paused before throwing the key to Cas and they swapped sides. "Pedals go clutch, brake, accelerator," they jumped in the car, "change ge-"

Castiel put this key in and turned it - the engine snapped into life. The cassette player started up too. Castiel threw his right arm over the bench chair and looked behind him, interrupting Dean's hasty tutorial. "This lever here, I know." Castiel revved the car, switched the car into reverse and pulled out of the lot. Dean watched him, through his rapidly swelling eyes as he shifted gear and the wheels spun them forward and out of sight before the manager could even come out to chase them back inside.

Dean watched Cas, leather jacket and a burst face, as he leaned his left elbow on the bottom of the open window and tapped his fingers on the top, along to the music. He drove with his right hand before he moved his left, elbow still out the window, to hold the steering wheel as he used his right to change gear. He groaned a little as he moved but not as much as he should have. Cas nodded his head slightly to the guitar riff in the song and they just listening to it as they drove silently away from the bar.

_Bang your head against the stage like you never did before, make it ring make it bleed, make it really sore. In a frenzied madness with your leather and your spikes, heads are bobbing all around it is hot as hell tonight. Adrenaline starts to flow, you're thrashing all around, acting like a maniac. Whiplash._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you didn't know and wanted to the song is "Whiplash" by Metallica.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys go back to the motel room and Dean tried to find out just what has pissed Cas off so much.

Dean had had Castiel stop at the gas n' sip before they spotted the motel just down the road and pulled into it's parking lot, just outside of Parsons, Kansas. Castiel's breathing was laboured and Dean had had to take his own shirt off and use it to soak up the blood from his face. There was no way he'd let it touch his car. Dean got out of the passenger side and he nearly tripped over when he did, as if his body was what-the-hell-ing at this change in position. Castiel opened the driver door and began to edge himself out. Dean ran around to help him knowing that they had been pumping with adrenaline when they had jumped in and drove away - now, however, Castiel's body was protesting at the pain and having been driving for a few hours.

"Let me." Dean put his right hand out to grip Castiel's, as he helped him out Cas clasped onto Dean's right shoulder with his other hand. "That's it, take it slowly." When Cas was standing they didn't let go. They just looked at each other for a beat. "You good?" Dean looked to Castiel's burst lip and ruffled hair.

"Yes, thank you." They slowly released each other and Dean fished for his wallet as Castiel closed the car door. Dean opened his wallet and looked inside. Or tried to. He flexed his eyes open and closed, trying to focus, which hurt like hell. Castiel just watched him, wincing when simply breathing.

Dean sighed and handed him the wallet. "Can you go to the reception? They'll take one look at my face and-" He pointed to his face, but misjudged it and poked his cheek. He then winced and inhaled as he got pissed off that he had just done that.

Castiel nodded and began to slowly walk to the reception area. He looked down, trying to focus on the pain rather than what was going on in his head.

>><<

They got a twin room and closed the door behind them. Dean put the shopping bag on the table as Castiel took off his jacket. Well, actually, he pulled the right side over his shoulder and then inhaled as his body whined. Dean turned and walked over, he put his left hand on Castiel's shoulder as he walked around the back of him. "Stop." He then helped Castiel off with his jacket and turned back to put it over one of the chairs without a second look.

Castiel stood there as Dean took all of the things out of the bag, he then turned to Cas. "Let me have a look." Dean put out his hands, palms up and flicked them upwards. Castiel paused a second so Dean did it again. He then lifted his t-shirt slightly and winced again. Dean tried his hardest to look at the bruising but he couldn't see well enough so he bent down to look closer at Castiel's ribs. Castiel looked at the top of Dean's hair and took a sharp breath through his teeth when Dean put his right hand on Castiel's side. "Sorry."

"It's alright." Castiel kept watching him as Dean prodded Castiel's ribs, feeling more than seeing.

"I have to make sure they aren't broken 'cause they could puncture your lungs."

Dean had barely finished talking when Castiel answered. "Honestly, it's fine." Dean looked up to see Cas' eyes closed, but not screwed up tight - just closed, before he looked to Castiel's right side. In between the winces Castiel could feel Dean's breath tickle his skin. It felt more like pin pricks on the puffy and throbbing tissue but, no, Cas decided that it tickled. Dean's fingers awakening Castiel's nerves, dazey with swelling, into fresh pain. When he was finished he put his other hand on Castiel's left side too and looked him right in the eye as Cas opened them. "Let go." Cas dropped the sides of his t-shirt, the fabric slid down his purple skin and rested on the backs of Dean hands and wrists before he let his arm fall, the insides of them touching Dean's hands too. They were warm. "Take a deep breath, slowly." Castiel looked right at Dean as he did - the air filled his lung, which expanded, the muscles and skin extending to accommodate it all. He took in Dean's swollen and red face, the dried blood and burst skin. Dean looked down to Castiel's ribs. "Again." He did and it burned like hell, his face contorted with pain and guilt. "I know it's sore, I just want to make you that you can do it." Cas nodded and took a third breath. Dean nodded. He let his hands fall from Castiel's ribs but that tingling of fresh pain followed the tips of Dean's fingers down to the bottom of his ribs before they actually left his skin and he turned away.

Castiel reached his left hand to Dean's face who looked back to Cas when he touched him. He put his thumb on bulb of Dean's chin and cupped the next three fingers under it. He turned Dean's face to it's right to look at the cuts, grazes and bruising. It had already puffed up under the damage automatically trying to protect itself and Cas turned his face the other way. The left side of his face looked like it had taken more of the abuse than the other. Castiel reached his thumb and stroked Dean's cheek, where he had kissed it so long ago in the supermarket parking lot. Dean just looked at Cas, not wondering why he was doing that or wincing at the touch - it was just nice to see Cas looking at him like that again, instead of the piercing and enraged eyes that had followed him around that pool hall.

"Tell me." Castiel let go of Dean's face and gestured to the table. "Tell me what to do."

Dean looked and then realized that not only was Castiel again offering to heal him but he had no way of doing it himself. Not properly. Castiel poured the alcohol on the piece of cloth and sat with Dean at the table, he was wiping the blood from Dean's face, slowly and carefully. "Why were you sitting in the rain?"

Castiel stopped mid-rub and then kept going. "What do you mean?"

Dean grabbed the cloth and Castiel's hand fell to rest on the table. "Really? You were soaking when you got in the car this morning and the rain stopped ages before that so don't play that game with me. Because after having my face caved in I'm not in the mood for this shit."

Castiel looked to the right. "I'm sorry." Dean leaned back in his chair waiting. Cas knew that he wasn't going to drop it. "I just-" He sighed and looked out the window. Damn motel windows. "We checked out early and I just thought I'd wait there."

Dean shook his head a little, leaned forward again and raised the cloth to wipe Cas' burst lip. It stung and Castiel winced. "Sorry." Cas looked at Dean's face, glistening with alcohol and bruising when fresh blood seeped out of cuts that hadn't quite clotted yet. Each and every mark his own doing - he may not have pulled the punches but Dean's suffering was his fault.

He took the cloth from Dean. "Don't apologize, I don't deserve it. That's a lie." Dean looked as Castiel stood and burled around, his body creaking back to the sting of bruised skin and bone while the muscle moved in between. "We didn't check out early, I left the room early. I didn't like being in there, everything about the room and the situation rubbed at my skin like a rash." Dean turned his body to look properly as Cas paced the room getting more and more agitated. This was a new one, he had seen his angel angry, wrathful, sad, disappointed, turned on even. But he had never seen this, this was like a pot simmering and coming to the boil. "I lay in that bed and I needed to sit up, when I was sat up I needed to sit at the table but once I was there I needed out of the room. It wasn't until I was outside that I knew I needed to sit on the bench and it wasn't until I was sitting there that I knew I needed to feel the rain pour down on me."

"Why were you so irritated?" Dean stood to look at Castiel, his sight a little better than it had been."That's what I don't get, it's like you were angry at me?"

"I don't know! It was just there, in my stomach and chest and legs and arms and fingers and every nerve ending. I could feel it coursing through me like it was in my blood."

"What did I do? I didn't  _force_  Lydia on you, I hope you didn't see it like that?"

"No!" Castiel dismissed it to the floor. Still unable to really look at Dean since he stood up. "I promised you I wouldn't let people push me around but..." He let out a grunt of frustration.

"Calm down!" Dean reached out to Cas who was throwing his arms around like he didn't know what to do with them but knowing that he didn't want them still either.

"I can't, I don't understand it. Why did that anger me so much, it was just one kiss? And why was I relieved, it was only a picture?" He wasn't making any sense, he raised his arms to his hair and Dean had enough.

"That's it." He grabbed Castiel by wrapping his right arm around his neck, pulling Cas towards him as Castiel slowed, Dean put his left arm around his back, making sure not to press too hard, and just pulled Cas to him. He put his head to Castiel's right side and leaned to his ear. "Cas." He didn't shout, he didn't whisper. It was just a firm uttered plea. Castiel stopped dead. "Just stop." Dean loosened his grip now that he had stopped freaking out and Castiel slowly, but surely, hugged Dean back. His right arm around Dean's neck and his left coming around to his back - his hand didn't splay out across Dean's t-shirt, in the absence of his shirt which was in a pile on the table covered in Dean's blood, his hand was in a fist from anger, knuckles white. The joints on his fingers, the ones nearest the knuckles, dragged up Dean's back before he slowly unclenched his fist, the fingers scratching and ruffling the cap-sleeve as they unravelled to dig the tips in just a little. Dean felt his back arch into Cas without meaning for it to happen. But Cas hugged him tighter so that he stayed like that and he didn't protest.

They stood like that for a few minutes - both of them with their eyes closed and heads tipped into the other's neck. Castiel could feel the rushing blood pumping through his ears. Dean could feel his gut squirming. Nerves and something else - for the both of them. Neither quite understanding why they could feel their chest thumping or the tightening of their throats.

"Talk to me." Dean mumbled into Cas' t-shirt and neck. "Tell me what's going on." He pulled back to look at Cas who looked away from him.

"I can't."

"Why not?!" That anger was bubbling in Dean again.

Secrets. Again.

"Because." Cas tried to pull away from him completely.

"Because what?!" Dean held onto his shoulders trying to look him in the eye. "Look at me!"

He pushed Dean backwards. "Because I'm afraid!"

The words echoed around the walls of the room. Cas looked to Dean, eyes moist and face purple from the few punches he had taken. Someone banged on the wall and shouted something that the partition muffled and neither man took any notice. Dean picked up his key and opened the door. He pointed to Cas with a serious face but let his hand fall, when his mouth began to form words he stopped them and looked to the side angry. He pointed again and his face returned to seriousness. "Stay there." He slammed the door behind him.

Castiel stood, never having looked at Dean as he left, he'd left his coat and his keys so Cas had no idea where he was going but all that Castiel was focused on was his own reflection in the TV set. His emotional, swollen self, bruised and ridiculous. Tears lay hot on his eyes, full tears never yet falling and his reflection blurred beyond recognition. His stupid reflection wearing a khaki t-shirt and dark jeans. His powerless, afraid and confused reflection. He stared at it for a few minutes, then lunged forward and swept the TV off of the surface where it had sat mocking him. It crashed to the floor and shattered into various different pieces. He closed his eyes and bit his top lip with his bottom teeth as the tears were finally forced from his eyes. The door flew open, Dean was holding his gun with his right hand, steadying it with his left. He pointed his .45 at Castiel then at the pile on the floor, he looked around the room and then lowered his gun and he realized what must have happened. No danger just an angry Castiel.

Dangling from Dean's left wrist was a small tin bucket which he had grabbed from reception - and it was full of ice.

>><<

Dean put some ice in the empty shopping bag, tying it at the top, he then took a pillow case off of the pillow on his bed and put the bag of ice inside. He folded the fabric over and walked to Cas, he pointed to Cas' bed. "Sit." Cas walked around to the side of the bed and sat down facing Dean, he dropped the case on the bed and gestured to Cas. "Lift." Cas slowly lifted his arms and Dean pulled his t-shirt up, he stopped when the neck part was still in place and pulled the fabric out so that it wouldn't rub his bruised face as he continued to pull it over Cas' head. He threw it to his bed and sat down next to him, then, holding the case in his right hand, he lifted Cas's left hand with his own and put it on his right shoulder before slowly placing his left hand on Castiel's right side.

The whole time Castiel was looking at his hand on the edge of the bed, but when Dean pressed the case to the left side of Cas' ribs Castiel winced, gripped that edge and his body arched away from the makeshift ice pack. Dean withdrew the case enough so that the fabric didn't touch him and waited until Cas relaxed again. "Grip my shoulder and try to get through it, after a few seconds it'll be fine." Castiel nodded and tightened his grip on the shoulder in anticipation, when Dean replaced the case he did so slower than the last time and Castiel gritted his teeth. "Look at me." Cas did so. His eyes trained on Dean's instantly. "It's okay, it's okay. Focus on me."

Castiel would have laughed: as if he could do anything else. The cold was spreading through his nerves, numbing the pain and pissing it off and the same time. But he just looked into those eyes, now Castiel wasn't one for sweeping, rose-tinted descriptions of colours as one would often find in works of literature with the aim of creating a beautiful love story. The kinds that would describe an eye colour with four sentences and ridiculous amounts of adjectives and adverbs and maybe throw in a simile or metaphor or three. Castiel could describe them in one way - human. They were rings of green with speckled of the browns lurking underneath poking through, just like the solid earth; Castiel felt like he was staring into the eyes of humanity personified. And it was looking right back at him.

Dean's mind was racing now. The TV still in a dismantled lump in the corner, Castiel's jacket over the chair beside the table with all of the supplies for treating their wounds still dotted over it, bottles open and half empty, packaging without fillings any more, wallets and keys pushed to the side. He could feel the cold through the bag and pillow sleeve on the palm of his hand, the smarting of the abrasions on the other side and with the alcohol having dried into his face he could feel the satisfying sting of a cut cleansed the old fashioned way. He looked at Cas as he tried to steady the case in his hand against Cas' swollen ribs and make sense of everything. He could see Castiel and Lydia through the window again and felt that night on his skin like the kisses the blonde had left on him.

"Cas-" Dean whispered it as the night began to settle over the town, the light dimming ever so slightly, enough that they never noticed but it had. The birds had noticed. Cas blinked and looked away which made Dean sigh. "Other side." He removed the case slowly and Cas changed hands with a hiss, from both the loss of the cold on his left and the movement of the right. Dean pressed it to his rib and Castiel's left arm shot up so that both of his hands were griping both of Dean's shoulders. Just then Dean's mobile went and he looked to it on the table, then back to Cas. "Hold that there." Cas nodded and held the pack with his left hand and his right still in the air.

Dean got up and looked at the screen - Sam.

He answered it with tense eyebrows. "Sam? What's wrong?"

_"Nothing, just checking in. Are you still in Kansas?"_

He relaxed and turned to look at Cas. "Yeah."

_"Breakfast, tomorrow? I'm in Topeka but I can come to you?"_

"Breakfast?" Cas looked up and Dean raised an eyebrow, he nodded. "Sure, how about we just come to you, we're on our way back to base anyway."

_"Okay, I'll phone you tomorrow. Say hi to Cas."_

"Will do." Dean shut the phone over and put it back on the table. "Cas, we need to talk about whatever is bothering you."

"It's nothing." He stood up, leaving the bag on the bed, and Dean stood in his way. He sighed and looked to the side. "Dean-"

"You can't even look at me, properly." Dean looked away, at nothing on the carpet in front of the door. "I gotta tell you man," it was then Cas heard the emotion in his voice, he looked up to see Dean's face slightly red on top of the damage done and that earth watering, "after everything we've been through - this is the most you've ever hurt me." Castiel's forehead relaxed as Dean's words seeping into his through the cuts on his face. "You shut me out and then you lie, you just admitted lying to me so god knows how many you haven't admitted to, there's obviously something you're keeping from me and you won't even look at me the same. I don't know what I did but whatever it is..." He paused and looked back to Castiel whose eyes watered all the same just looking at him. "Whatever I did, I'm sorry."

"It's not you." Castiel tried to push passed again and stopped when Dean moved in step with him.

"Then what is it?" Dean wasn't angry but his hurt voice cut Castiel deeper than any biker could punch.

Castiel tried to move, not wanting to dart over the bed and probably being physically unable to. "It's not of import."

"Then why are you looking at me like that?!" Dean shouted and Castiel stopped trying to escape and stood back. Dean stepped with him. "Why have you been looking at me like that since you left that bar with Lydia?!"

"Like what?" Castiel shouted back.

"Like that!" Dean spat and pointed to Cas' face.

"Like what?!" Castiel spat right back, he had no idea what he meant.

"You said you're afraid and you look like you're afraid of  _me!_ "

Castiel shook his head and looked down. "I'm not afraid of  _you._ " He went back to trying to push passed Dean, squeezed against the bed, but Dean kept using the movement he had in his arms to his advantage against Cas' own limited abilities right now.

"Then, what  _are_  you afraid of? Dammit Cas!" He grabbed Castiel's shoulders and shook him, it was gentle but it still hurt him enough to stop him moving, he raised his hands above his head and Dean lowered his hands, gently but quickly putting them on his ribs when he realised his mistake. "I'm so sorry, are you alright?"

"I'm fine." Cas was holding a breath, standing there in just his jeans, having got rid of his boots and socks when they settled down to treat Dean's facial wounds. His hands were still above his head, as if someone had pointed a gun at him.

Dean spoke low but it progressed into a frustrated growl. "I just- Shit Cas, I'm scared that I'm not enough to help you and you're not letting me. Dammit, you have to let me help you! Tell me what's scaring you!"

Cas looked at him, his jaw clenched, eyes and features fierce with worry but his hands gentle and apologetic. Castiel just wanted it to stop. He wasn't sure what was going on and he sure as hell wasn't able to voice it but he was going to try. What else could he do? Anything had to be better than causing that look on Dean's face, and the swelling that went with it. "I saw you, you and that girl you were with - Rachel." Dean ignored that, he didn't care what her name had been. "I was in the room with Lydia," Dean pouted, "I was doing what I supposed to, what guys do and I looked out and I saw you two looking for your room." Cas didn't register the slight movement from Dean's thumbs, stroking the tiniest patch of skin on either side of his rib cage, and neither did Dean. "I saw her kiss you and I felt-I felt  _so_ angry." He sighed and ran his fingers slowly through his hair.

"Why?" Dean wasn't sure he was hearing right. _Why would that make Castiel angry?_ Hell, Dean was still working on why the sight of that embrace through the window made him feel heavy so how would he be able to even begin to answer that one.

"I don't know, I just didn't want her to kiss you. I-I..."

Cas stuttered looking for the next words and he licked his lip. When he did he broke the progress the clotting had made and it began to bleed. Dean watched it, it got lighter as the blood breached the surface and Dean briefly thought back to his brushes with the vampire side of the world. He saw Cas kissing Lydia in that bar, he saw Castiel push Meg up against that wall.

"I didn't want her to touch you and I didn't want Lydia, I mean _I did_ , until that moment and then she was last thing I wanted."

"Your lip..." Dean stared at it. He thought about the girl, Rachel, kissing him on the bed and how he had just wanted to leave. How he hadn't wanted her touching him, how he'd felt when Cas had fell onto the bed with Lydia.

"What?" Castiel looked up, confused at the change and Dean's apparent lack of interest in the explanation he had so demanded.

"Your lip, it's bleeding again." Dean took his left hand away from Cas' ribs and lifted it to point.

"Oh." Castiel looked around for something to wipe it.

"I got it." Dean mumbled. But he wasn't talking about the blood. He got it. He got what Castiel was afraid of and he got his own reaction to that knowledge. He let his finger touch Cas' lip, just below the cut. The touch stilled Castiel completely, all that could be heard in either of their ears was the blood pumping and the other's breathing. Dean brushed his thumb right along the line where Castiel's bottom lip met his skin. When he brought it back to his left he followed the thumb through in with his hand and slid it behind his jaw while Cas just watched Dean, with his hands thread through his own hair. He gripped the back of Castiel's head and pulled him towards his lips but stopped. His breath was warm against Cas' lips, he could now feel the crack as each bit of air from Dean's words swept over it. "Don't let anyone push  _or pull_  you around." He gave Cas one last chance. Or was it for himself?

Cas lowered his right hand and softly but firmly pulled Dean's hand away from his head, Dean was surprised at first, he didn't even think that he could have misread the situation - just that Cas would back out. Cas let his arm go and Dean lowered it as he pulled his head back to look at him properly. "I said I wouldn't." Castiel followed Dean's lips as they backed away. His left arm reached back for Dean's right upper, sliding up to his shoulder when Dean realized what he was doing he let Castiel come to him this time. Dean's hands reached for Cas' ribs again, just as gently as before, and Cas didn't twitch at all; when their lips finally touched their eyes closed, Dean's top lip met Cas', closely followed by their bottom lips and barely a second went by before they pushed their tongues together. Neither of them messing around with closed mouth, Dean rarely pissed around with that any other time but right now he was more interested in the fingers running up his neck into the base of his hair, the palms soft and yet still rough against his neck. It seemed that neither of them could decide what side to keep there heads at either, as they constantly switched, letting hot, wet breath blow out and up the side of their cheeks as well as down to their chins. He slowly moved his hands around to Castiel's back and pulled him in closer, remembering that right now Castiel was made of glass.

And now the glass was pushing him backwards towards the dresser where the TV had been and the edge of it pressed into the crease just under Dean's buttocks. He let his hands run up Castiel's back when the man stood in between his legs. Dean's eyes opened wide but he didn't stop. _Man._ The noise of their kissing filled the room like nothing before, their breathing and the blood pumping directly from his heart to his ears. He found his eyes close a little again and his mouth gape when Cas pushed into him. Two things became quite obvious to Dean and it was those two same things that broke the deal.

"W-Wait." He pulled away from Cas who just looked to Dean, who was kind of sitting on the edge of the dresser. Dean checked the little bit of thought that his brain offered up again, shit he knew that there was nothing wrong with two men being together. He'd even been secretly flattered when he thought Aaron was hitting on him in the bar but he had actually been following him. Dean knew he was not _un_ attracted to men. Dean knew that this had nothing to do with what parts they had. This was all just too much to take in. This was a lot more complicated. "This, this is not-" He cleared his throat. "We shouldn't be..." He stood up and walked passed Cas scratching his head. "No, we shouldn't be doing this."

"What?" Castiel turned to look. "Are you se-What's wrong?"

"This, it's just- _It's_  wrong!" Dean shouted, for want of a different way to say what he felt. He sighed when Castiel relaxed his shoulders - in disappointment or rage, Dean couldn't tell. He couldn't determine anything at that moment. He might be hearing the blood in his ears but that was far from where it was coursing.

Castiel let his head fall to the ground. When he looked back up his eyes weren't full of rage, tears or sadness. They were calm, like the sea their colour matched. He did nothing but walk into the bathroom.

Dean stood looking at the door click closed. He turned back and looked out of the window at the big full moon staring back. Dean's body was bathed in moonlight, it covered the cuts and bruises on his face, it highlighted the muscles on his bare arms and the looseness of the t-shirt sitting against his heaving chest. It shone on the jeans as they hung from his hips and the bulge snaking up towards his right pocket making it unmistakable. The moonlight made Dean think of a song he heard earlier that day - Cas had been driving and the music played between them drowning out all of the things that were unsaid. Yet to be said.

_Here lies the ground, that's swallowed all that it's found. I can hear them, they're singing out strong; a tribute to what's gone wrong. I feel it's all slowed down somehow, but those lights above are racing by... It's a trick of the moonlight._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song used at the end was 'Trick of the Moonlight' by Gary Dunlop.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short one, I'm afraid, sorry.

The moon had moved in the sky and no longer lit up the room by the time that Dean pulled his top over his head and dumped all of his clothes on one of the chairs at the table. Cas hadn't emerged from the bathroom until he heard the rumble of Dean's snoring. He opened the door and looked into the darkness, the light behind him eclipsing his features but when he walked forward into the room, stopped and turned to look at Dean's sleeping lump. The little light that there was coming in the window showed the right side of his face and his eye was red and puffy around the rim of it. Dean had taught him so much in the past few days and that now included how to sob silently.

He had leaned on the sink, looked in the smudged mirror and suddenly felt the pressure build up from his chest to his face. He closed his eyes, pursed his lips and bowed his head. When his legs suddenly felt powerless he bent down, holding onto the sink with his left hand and clasping his right over his mouth to muffle any sounds that he couldn't stop. He took sharp breaths through his nose, which flared under the pressure of it, and tried to open his eyes but the ever-growing moisture meant he couldn't really see so he just closed them gently and tightened his grip on the porcelain.

By the time Dean had began to undress himself Castiel was leaning his back on the wall and his right arm on the closed toilet seat. That hand rubbed his forehead while his left held a damp tissue tightly. The harsh and uneven paint job on the wall rubbed on Cas' bare back and his ribs felt like they were throbbing around his pathetic weeping. The tears still soaking into his skin as they wound down his cheeks and the side of his nose. His right foot was down the right side of the base of the sink, his big toe touching the cool, white edge, while his left was flat on the floor with that arm rested on the knee.

Now though, Cas looked back around to the pile of what used to be a TV in the corner of the room before looking to the table. There was a scrap of paper that had been a receipt, it was turned over and written on. Cas walked over to look in the absence of the proper light.

 _'Take two of these before you sleep, try lying on your front, I'll need you to drive to breakfast with Sam._  
_Cas, I'm sorry.'_

Holding the receipt down was a white bottle, Cas raised it to his face and the receipt curled so that the message was now standing up from the table in a half circle shape. 'Aspirin'. The lid was already opened for him and just laid back on top. He took out two, placed the tub back on the table beside the receipt and walked back to the bathroom, holding them in his closed right hand he held the glass under the tap until it was half empty. He then knocked the pills back and chased them with a few gulps of water.

Dean lay in his bed, awake since the bathroom door had opened. He heard Cas start sobbing again quietly in the bathroom and all he could do was stare at the wall.

>><<

Dean sat at the table leaning his elbows on his legs and his hands clasped together in front of him looking at Cas' back rising and falling. The skin on his sides a faded purple along with one of two patches on left side of his face, the other planted in the pillow. Castiel's right arm was under his pillow and the left lay on the bed at the side of it. Dean had already took medication and tended to his face again, if for nothing other than something to focus on. Dean wasn't looking forward to this bit.

He stood and walked over to the middle of the beds looking down at Castiel asleep. He had stopped crying about ten minutes after Dean had heard him start again - just the remnant of emotion and the adrenaline comedown.

Dean wanted to sit on the bed, run his hand through his hair, from his ear to the crown and back again, and whisper his name so that he could watch him stir and settle again. Dean would say his name again and again, gradually getting louder so that Cas would slip from his dreams slowly and seamlessly into consciousness. His eye, stuck shut with sleep, would peel open and he'd see Dean. A smile would sleepily appear on his face and his eye would close again before he'd use his voice to turn the hunter's name into audible velvet.

"Cas." Dean said it looking down at him from where he stood, it wasn't a gentle whisper and it did nothing to wake the sleeping man. "Cas?" Dean tried it again, when it failed he sighed. He slowly sat on the bed beside him and looked to his own hands. "Castiel?" When Cas didn't answer yet again Dean nudged up the bed and put his hand, slowly and gently, on the middle of Cas' back. The memory of the night before striking across his mind making Dean take a long strangled breath before he swallowed it. He shook Cas gentler than it should have been possible to do with Dean's rough hands and he started to wake. "Cas?" Cas' eye opened and looked at Dean. When he saw him he closed it again but turned his head the other way. Dean looked away too. "We have to get going, get up." He stood up and walked around the bed to the door, when Cas didn't answer but turned his head away from Dean again Dean exhaled and pulled the door open. "I'll be in the car, you have half an hour before I drive away." The door slammed as Cas raised his head to look at where Dean had been standing.

>><<

Five minutes. Ten minutes. Fifteen minutes. Seventeen minutes. Twenty-two minutes. Thirty.

Thirty minutes went by and Castiel had not emerged from the room. Dean had been staring at the door on and off for those thirty minutes only looking away to look at reception. They were skipping out on that TV, they barely had enough for the room and gas or breakfast, never mind the TV. Cas had picked up the money in the bar but Dean wasn't going to ask him for it, he wasn't going to ask him for anything. Normally, Dean would have given Cas a speech about how accepting responsibility for his actions wasn't just a trait reserved for Angels doubting their mission and orders - you break something you pay for it. But Dean wasn't going to do that because he had broken something so much more valuable.

A trust.

The two of them had had their share of bad blood - probably a few other people's shares as well - Castiel had made choices, made stupid decisions, he had lied to Dean, not come to him for help and ignored him when he had. But Dean? Well, Dean had just nudged him to a cliff edge telling him that he could fly and that he  _should_  fly. He had nudged him and nudged him until he had took the leap off the edge and then, then Dean had reminded the angel he didn't have wings any more. He had stood, leaning over the edge and watched the former angel twist and turn in the air, yelling and crying in fear - looking right back at the human who had betrayed him.

Dean had encouraged the man to offer up the only thing he had left, his soul, and then threw it back at him as if that was the most repulsive thing ever.

So no, Dean wasn't going to ask Castiel for the money and Dean wasn't going to wait any longer. Thirty-five minutes after he had left the hotel room Dean got out of the passenger seat, walked around and threw himself into the driver's side, he reached to switch the engine on but as he did so he caught sight of the Bon Jovi cassette. He paused and let his arm fall down as he settled back in the seat. He'd wait.

Fifty minutes later Dean was looking at the door, he was leaning on the bonnet of the car, having just gotten off the phone with Sam. He didn't tell Sam what was wrong when he asked. He didn't tell his brother about what had happened when he had asked how Castiel was doing. No, he hadn't told Sam a thing.

What was he meant to have said? 'Oh you know, something was up with Cas, we got into a bar fight and when I later confronted him about it, when I pleaded him to tell me, to not hide anything from me he snogged the face off of me. But that's not all brother, oh no, it just so happens that I made the first move and then I rebuffed him disgustingly. On top of all of that I just discovered I'm the biggest dick on the planet. But other than that, how's your week been?'

And so an hour and seven minutes after Dean had slammed the motel room door closed it opened again. Castiel stood there looking at Dean leaning against the closed passenger door. If he was surprised or thankful that Dean was still there he didn't show it. He was angry again. Dean couldn't decide if that was better or worse than the sheer pain he had heard coming from the bathroom the night before. Dean turned and put his right hand on the door handle. "Let's behave like adults, get in." Dean got in the passenger side of the car and closed the door, he stared right at Cas trying to match the man's anger in his seriousness. It was a few minutes before Cas closed the door behind him and slowly walked over to the driver's side. And it was even longer before he edged himself into the driver's seat. Dean winced watching Cas all the way through his slow descent into the seat, wanting nothing more than to get out and help him but he didn't and he didn't know why. Cas started the engine, the Bon Jovi cassette starting up right away and Dean hoped that Cas wouldn't notice that he had put it in, Cas didn't even look, he just leaned forward and switched it off. Then he pulled away down the road. "Take a right." Dean muttered and Cas did without a word. "So, now you're not going to talk to me?"

"I don't  _feel_  like talking." Cas muttered, with a little venom.

"Fine." Dean looked to the side.

>><<

They didn't talk the whole ride except when Dean gave Cas directions, he still hadn't found out where Cas had learned to drive his car. He was fairly certain that there wasn't a manual for a '67 Impala in the base. Mind you, that place had everything so maybe there was even a manual for a car that hadn't been manufactured yet when the place was abandoned. It wouldn't even surprise Dean if there was.

They pulled up to see Sam in the window. Dean got out and Cas used his pride to get out of the seat quicker than he should have, Dean still didn't help him. Sam watched with confusion, at the behaviour and what Cas was wearing so much so that he missed Dean's face or that his brother wasn't driving, as he drank his half-caf, double vanilla latte. Castiel walked in first with Dean pausing to take a breath and compose himself. That went to shit when Cas let the door slam behind him in Dean's face. He walked straight passed the table and Sam looked up as he did, he was going towards the bathroom but Sam still expected a nod or word of recognition. Dean sat across from Sam leaving enough space for Cas to sit in the booth next to him without being too close.

Sam looked across at his brother and his eyebrows chased his hairline, he slammed the latte back on the table. "What the hell happened to you?!"

"Nothing, I'm fine." Dean looked to the menu, not really feeling very hungry.

"Fine? Your face-Who did you fight?" Dean didn't answer and a few seconds later Sam looked up to see Cas coming back with a red nose, having gone to town wiping it, but he only saw the purple around his eyes. "Did-" He looked back to Dean when Cas stopped at their table. "Did you two fight?"

"Not each other." Cas said and then motioned for Sam to budge up in the booth. Sam looked to the empty space beside Dean and then slid up the booth, coming face to face with his brother he noticed how unphazed by that he was. Cas held onto the table edge with his left hand and gingerly lowered himself into the seat beside Sam before grunting as he pushed into place properly.

Sam looked at him as he did. "What's up with you?"

Cas turned to look at him. "Took some body shots, I'm okay." They ordered and settled back into awkward silence. Sam had ordered a salad thing that Dean would usually scold him for with a couple of references or metaphors but he didn't say anything. Not even a look. He was looking outside at the car and down at his hands on the table, every now and then he would look at the scrapes on his knuckles. Castiel had ordered pancakes and when Sam had said it wasn't like the other food he had ate before Cas muttered something about his choices up until that point not being reliable. Dean had sighed and rubbed his hair but still hadn't said anything. He had only ordered a sandwich, not even a double decker or side of fries. Just a sandwich and coffee. Sam had raised an eyebrow.

Sam sighed. "Nice jacket by the way." Cas smiled and looked down when Dean took his menu to put it back behind the sauce, salt and pepper bottles without a word. Dean was quiet, clearly annoyed and his silence did not go unnoticed. Sam looked between them both; bloodied, not talking, avoiding interaction or even proximity and yet each was fine with Sam. "Alright, what's wrong?"

The brothers looked to Cas when he started laughing. He had his head bowed forward and was laughing almost silently to himself, ignoring the pain it caused him. " _Wrong._ " He exaggerated the movement of his lips as he said it then went back to laughing. "Nothing is  _wrong,_ Sam." Dean looked back to the window. "Or is it,  _Dean?_ " Dean looked up to Cas as he continued to laugh. He stopped and stood up. The brothers looked up at him, he pulled some money out of the wallet Dean had bought him and dumped a twenty on the table. "For mine." And stuffing his wallet back in his pocket he walked back towards the door. _  
_

Sam called after him. "Castiel, where are you going?" He turned to Dean when he got no response except the diner door shutting. "Where is he going?"

Dean looked up as their meals were brought over. "How should I know?" He smiled at the waitress. "Thanks." She nodded, turned back to the counter and picked up a plates of pancakes along with their drinks to put down on the table too.

"Well, shouldn't we go after him? Drag him back here and talk to him, that's what you'd usually do."

Dean shook his head. "My face has taken all the abuse it can handle right now."


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas has left and Dean does what Dean always does - he finds a case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that the last chapter was short so here is a longer one to make up for it.

Would you believe that Castiel didn't come back?

He walked out of the Shack II, out of the parking lot and just kept on going. He walked along the old road that lead away from the grill and came out on SE 29th St in Topeka. He looked along the road right, there was a gas n' sip on this side, and then along to the left the road continued on and inclined a little as it hit the horizon. Cas took a right, for no reason, and he slowed down as he walked on with no idea where he was going.

He was just walking away.

Dean had not asked Castiel a lot of questions that he probably wanted to, he had perhaps figured out the answers for himself, since Cas knocked on that motel door less than a week ago. It may not have felt like that when you read it, but it was. Less than a week, a  _week_  was all it took for them to go from friends who were there for each other to something more to something destroyed. Well, Castiel knew better than any other human just what could be done in seven days. This only took five.

His jacket rubbed against the grey AC/DC t-shirt that Dean had insisted he get which rubbed against his raw skin. Castiel sped up, walking by the side of the road, there was not a proper side walk, without much noticing the traffic - car horns, screeching tires and shouts followed in his wake. He was determined he would not stop, not for anyone or anything. So he came to a breathless halt holding onto the side of the bridge that ran over Deer Creek. Of course, Cas didn't know the name of the road or the creek all he knew was that he had been able to see the water from the parking lot as he raced away from the diner and that now it rushed under the bridge. He held onto the brick with his right hand and his rib with his left, breathing against pain and panic. It hurt, it really hurt. He almost forgot that his ribs had been used as a punching bag not twelve hours ago. His phone rang in his pocket a few times and he didn't take it out to see who it was while he got his breath back - it could only be two people in the world. Dean or Sam.

In fact it was Sam.

He had refused to let Dean drive with his left eye still as swollen as it was and, knowing that something was up, he also knew that his brother would react in one way. He would hunt. Sam had gone to the restroom in the diner and when he had returned Dean had his laptop turned towards him and reading intently. Sam looked to the side as if he was annoyed at himself for being right because that only confirmed that there was definitely something going on.

"Did you know that there was a 'Mike the Headless Chicken Day'?"

Sam paused as he shuffled back into the booth. "...I did not?"

"Apparently, some farmer in Fruita cut the head off a chicken he was going to eat and it survived." Sam raised his eyebrows. "For four years?" Dean's eyes widened as he read that bit and Sam scoffed a little. "That's like high school!"

"When was this?" Sam looked outside idly thinking that the boys spent less than half of that actually  _in_  high school and hoping that Cas would come back. Come back and save his brother from whatever he was leading up to.

"1945."

"So why are you telling me this now?" Sam looked to the empty plate to Dean's left which had housed pancakes. They were demolished and Dean's sandwich abandoned a few bites in.

"A bunch of people have gone missing through there, I say we check it out."

Sam didn't say anything. He knew that Dean was going through something and was going to go take it out on whatever was in Fruita but Sam just wasn't ready - he was still bursting at the seams with frustration, helplessness and eight years of chasing and being chased. Never quite being in tandem with the rest of the world - just co-existing.

"I don't have a clue what it is yet but, you can do you thing." Dean turned the laptop to Sam and gestured typing in the air before pointing to the computer.

Sam looked at the article on the screen in front of him and the three faces pictured: of the eight that were missing they had gone for the minister's daughter, the town's local Mr Charity and a homeless man who had served in Vietnam. "No."

Dean had his drink near his lips when he looked to Sam. "No? Eight people are missing and you're going to keep with this strop?"

"It's not a strop, Dean. I thought you understood?"

"I did." He sighed and rubbed his forehead. "I do."

Sam leaned forward closing the laptop lid, not completely. "Talk to me, what's going on?"

Dean paused. "What's going on?" Sam nodded. "What's going on is that you can't stand to be in the same room with me for more than a few days and, apparently, neither can Cas!" He shouted raising his arm to gesture his hand outside. When diners turned to look Dean lowered his hand and exhaled through his nose. He grabbed his jacket. "I'm going to take a whizz."

It took Sam longer than it should have to realize that guys don't take their coats to the bathroom, it was only when he heard the Impala's engine he sighed and closed his eyes calling himself an idiot. Dean was going hunting, with or without him. Sam took out his phone to call Dean and tell him to get his dumb ass back here before he crashed, but not only did Sam know that Dean would not have let Cas drive his car- _Holy shit_ , it just dawned on Sam that Cas had gotten out of the driver's seat. He wouldn't have let Sam drive. Sam rubbed his teeth with his tongue pretending he wasn't offended staring at the screen. He wouldn't have let Castiel drive if he hadn't trusted him so whatever was going on it couldn't be that bad but he wouldn't have driven away if he thought he would damage his baby. _That he let Cas drive._ Sam sighed and pressed call, not to Dean but to Cas.

It rang out so Sam left a message.

"Hey Cas, it's me. I don't know what's going on but please call me back. I'm worried about Dean." He sighed and bowed his head. "I'm not trying to get involved, I said I needed space and that's what I'm going to keep on getting but Dean's gone hunting. He doesn't even know what it is, just that eight people have gone missing in Fruita, Colorado." He lifted the lid of the laptop. "I just..." He sighed again. "I just thought you'd want to know. At least call me back and let me know you're okay, Cas."

Cas was starting to catch his breath when the Impala roared passed him, he just lifted his head to see the back end of it sweep away.

Dean knew he should have gone left. If he had gone left then left again he'd have been driving north, under the toll road and found I-70 in no time but for some reason he had just needed to go right at the exit to the grill. As it was, he was going to have to go about it the long way, he'd get to Col- _Was that Cas?_ Dean looked as he drove passed, he was bent over, was he okay? Dean looked forward again. _He walked out so who cares if he's okay or not?_

Dean shifted in his seat, the car eerily quiet without music on so he reached out to turn the cassette player on and when Bon Jovi blasted out he fumbled to change it. He'd never liked Bon Jovi anyway. The noise in his head was too much to handle - trying to concentrate on driving and think about what could be causing the disappearances in Colorado. He shoved Metallica in the machine and settled in for the long drive.

>><<

That night three men lay in three different motel rooms, in three different states, awake and staring at the ceiling worrying about the others.

Sam, in Nebraska, lay thinking about Dean's swollen face and silence at breakfast. And that pitiful sandwich. He thought about how Castiel refused to sit next to Dean and his words just before he left. Sam thought about the eight people in Colorado and the eight families waiting for answers they might never get. He thought about the twelve hour drive Dean would have just completed. He thought about Dean pulling into a motel room and he wondered where the hell Cas would be right now.

Dean, in Colorado, rolled over onto his side thinking about how his brother must have really been stressed and unhappy if he knew Dean would go on the hunt and he still refused to go with. He thought about how long it took Cas to come out of the motel room and the fact that he never helped him out of the car. He thought about what this monster would be and how he would fight it. He thought about the various ways he knew to reduce the swelling in his eyes and cheeks. And then, then he thought about Castiel doubled over by the side of the road. Covered in bruises and scrapes, without painkillers or someone to hold ice against his body. Without someone to tell him it was okay and someone to wake him up with a whisper. Where was he?

Cas, in Kansas, grunted as he tried to stop the pain in his sides remembering the relief he had felt lying on his front compared to his back, just like Dean had said. He rolled over onto his front, slowly, as he thought about Dean's hand on his bare back that morning and both of them there the night before. He thought about how Sam had complimented his jacket and picked up on the atmosphere. He wondered where Dean had been rattling off to in his car and if he was going to be okay driving it. He thought about how he would be lightly snoring by now while he lay awake and sore and Sam would be back to his much needed alone time.

Sam looked to his phone, the silence of it having been an uncomfortable undertone to the whole day. He looked to his left at the sleeping figure beside him and then flipped open the phone. It's light shone on his face and he screwed up his eyes a little before they adjusted. He tried Dean again.

Dean was facing the wall in his room, his right hand under his pillow and his left resting on the bed beside his head. He didn't see the phone light up on the night stand behind him having put it on silent for just that purpose. He knew Sam would try to call him but he also knew that Cas wouldn't and he didn't want to feel the lurch in his chest whenever the display didn't say his name.

Castiel's phone buzzed on the bed, it was just beside his face, which was turned to the left, he looked at it with his only exposed eye. The angle at which he was looking made it impossible to read but he knew it'd be Sam. He let it ring off and when the display dimmed a little, ready to go off completely, he closed his eye. It buzzed, just once, and Castiel sighed. That would be the second voicemail Sam has left him today - he was surprised that it wasn't more but the only reason he was annoyed was because he knew that curiosity would get the better of him. The first phone call could be because Dean drove off without him but a second? Well it could be to see if Cas was safe somewhere but Sam saw the money Cas had earlier so he knew he would be fine and this was about twelve or so hours later - why call now?

Sighing Sam hung up his second phone call and looked when the figure stirred. "Sorry, I was just trying to call my brother." He whispered it to her as she leaned up on her elbows and her hair fell down around her face.

"That's okay." She bit her lip. "Since I'm awake?" She let the question hang in the air, Sam smiled and put his phone on the night stand before kissing her again. He hadn't known her three hours ago and he knew he'd forget her in perhaps double that.

Dean couldn't sleep. He dropped his feet out of the bed and sat up before hauling himself to his feet. He walked into the bathroom and stared at his face in the mirror. "How'd this happen?" He sighed and looked to the side. "Because you're a dick, that's why." He then laughed a little at himself, the way he would if Sam had said it to him. "Yeah." He splashed water on his face and stood, head bowed over the sink, letting the water drip into the sink. Dean decided he may as well get some research done - this monster could be anything.

Cas pressed dial and put the phone to his ear.

_'You have... two new messages. Message one: "Hey Cas, it's me. I don't know what's going on but please call me back. I'm worried about Dean." He sighed on the other end. "I'm not trying to get involved, I said I needed space and that's what I'm going to keep on getting but Dean's gone hunting." Cas pushed himself up onto his elbows. "He doesn't even know what it is, just that eight people have gone missing in Fruita, Colorado. I just..." He sighed again. "I just thought you'd want to know. At least call me back and let me know you're okay, Cas." End of message. Message two: "Cas, it's me again. I tried looking into these disappearances but there's nothing, no sulfur, no blood, no sightings and no bodies. Nothing. Dean isn't answering either. He'll be in Fruita by now, I don't know where you are and I don't know what's happened but..." There was a snort. "Whatever happened to that profound bond?" End of final message. To save these messa-'_

Castiel lowered the phone and hung up. It was said that there was a lot of questions Dean hadn't asked Castiel since he turned up at the door that day. Like just how the hell he turned up at the door that day. The truth was that Sam had called Cas and told him about how he felt, how he needed space and how Dean needed a friend. They were both bumping off of each other and would eventually explode if they didn't get some distance. Sam needed physical distance but Dean needed mental distance - both of which meant emotional distance. That whole 'sometimes I need to leave until I miss you' sop. Sam hadn't had to call him twice and leave messages, he hadn't needed to plead - he had simply said Dean needs someone to be there for him. But what Sam had really meant was that Dean had needed to be needed by someone. And, right then, that someone wasn't going to be Sam.

Castiel had hung up his phone and hitch-hiked, walked and hopped trains from Rock Springs, Wyoming, where he had been sleeping rough to Utah where Dean was after him and Sam had took down a vengeful spirit. Castiel didn't ask why they had argued or why Sam finally snapped, all he asked was for the address and room number.

Castiel thought about it. _No._ He opened his eyes. _No._ The he planted his forehead into the pillow. He knew he wasn't going to sleep and he knew that after hours of lying there not sleeping he would head out there and it might be too late. He head butted the pillow a few more times knowing that he was a complete dumbass. He hauled himself up, slowly and noisily, pausing on all fours to take a second before bringing his hips around and turning them so that he sat on the edge on the bed. He lifted his fists out from the bedsheets and lay them on his legs. _Good old, Cas, always running after his human no matter what._ He pushed the pads of the palms of his hands onto his eyes and twisted them a little, when he felt a jolt of pain in his cheek from the pressure his mouth widened into what would have been a smile if it wasn't a wince. Then he felt something warm on his bottom lip. He used the pad of his left middle finger to touch it and then looked at the spotting of blood on it.

His lip was bleeding again.

>><<

The three men saw in the dawn in three different ways.

Sam was sneaking out of a motel room door - he turned and put his coat on while walking back to the bar parking lot to collect his car. He thought for a moment about how he was more like Dean than he remembered most days. He had stolen a car and spent each night in the arms of a different girl - the car might have been a dark blue pick up and the girls might all have had dark hair a certain level of IQ but the foundations were the same. The sun was seeping along the streets from Sam's right side as if chasing the night. Sam crossed over the road and caught a look at the homeless man on the corner - what was there in Fruita waiting for Dean?

Well whatever it was was going to have to wait a little longer because Dean had been up all night looking into all he could find on the missing persons. The first person to have gone missing was a local junkie. A thirty-two year old ex-lawyer who had got into some trouble with local drug dealers, done some deals and lost his license to practise law. He was now living in doss houses, hooked on heroine and having nothing to motivate him to change that. And would you know, the only one who realised he had disappeared? His dealer. Said he never missed a hook up, regular like clock work, every week. The others were a homeless war vet, aged seventy-two who was reported missing by the owner of the cafe who served him food free of charge every day. That followed up by a local waitress, aged twenty-nine, who's neighbors heard her two year old kid crying non-stop for three hours. Next was the firty-nine year old local Butcher and, so was reported, 'The rudest man you'd ever  _meat'_ who cut a fine pork chop and a couple of families were troubled by the closed shop three days in a row but more so by the very apologetic and polite sorry message in the window explaining. When the seventeen year old high school kid left for school but never turned up, the school called the parents, the parents called their son and the students started gossip but he never showed up the next day either. Then there was the local good guy, aged forty-one, a member of nearly every committee there was in his town and highly respected by everyone. The neighbourhoods go-to-guy and happy to be so. One day he didn't turn up to coach the peewee soccer team, which just wasn't like him, which is why it was reported to the police and the game abandoned for the day - everyone was too distressed to play or watch. The minister's fifteen year old daughter was the next to vanish, she went to bed on Saturday night and when her father woke on Sunday she wasn't there. But her disappearance wasn't reported until after the service, of course. The story only gathered real momentum when a local newscaster, hot little thing for being thirty-seven Dean thought, didn't turn up for her slot on the lunch time news. Three days in a row. The producers didn't report it because she had an on again off again boyfriend who swept into her life whenever he felt like it and, although they had managed to kick the booze, she couldn't say no to him. But when that self-same guy turned up at the studio, coked out of his head, looking for her, alarms bells rang. If she hadn't been with him, where was she? Where were any of them?

Dean thought about this and his own missing person as he leaned on the table, slowly lowering to the surface. And that's why the monster would have to wait a little while because Dean was asleep with his head beside a laptop he had swiped a few miles back and his phone. Still on silent and still not ringing.

Castiel had done something bad. He knew that it was bad and he knew that he was going to hell for it. And going to hell for laughing at that thought. He had been standing at a train station waiting to board a late train heading towards Colorado because he'd never be able to walk there in time. There was so many frustrating things for him about being a human, about being so helpless and ordinary, but the worst was not being able to just go, just pop up anywhere on the Earth that he wanted to. Getting from place to place was so slow, when he had first fell he had hopped a coach, just like he did when he acquired the angel tablet and had to hide, it wasn't any coach in particular - just the first coach he found, and got the hell out of there.

He found himself entirely surprised at how therapeutic it felt, to take the journey from one physical place to another, to see the world as he passed through it to wherever he was going to end up. To watch the road ripple under the wheels of the bus as he looked out of the window, he looked backwards at where they had just been, half expecting the road to be ruffled into a bundle behind them like in those cartoons he had watched briefly when they had been dealing with Fred Jones, the psychokenitic man in Oklahoma City. He watched them pass the trees and people while cars passed them too. There was something reassuring that, no matter what, humanity was always going somewhere, however long it took. Now however, the novelty had worn off and he just wanted to be where he wanted to be. Well, Colorado was far from where he wanted to be but what else could he do? No matter what, the bond would win against anger or embarrassment. Or heartbreak.

So he had done a bad thing, he had stolen a car around the corner from the train station. He made sure he was out of sight of the cameras and broken into a four door number and drove away down the street, quietly and guiltily. That was another thing that Dean had not asked him yet, how could Cas drive? Castiel had tucked his trench coat under Dean's chin when he had needed a few hours sleep before they got back to driving to the base again, just four days ago. When he was walking around the base, Dean asleep, and the completely awake Castiel had had a look around, Cas found a couple of laptops in a room with a large table in the middle that had the image of the earth's layout drawn on it and backlit. He turned it on and got to work understanding it, what else was there to do really? Long story short Castiel, ex-angel of the Lord, found the internet - he found google. And if you're reading this then you know that his life would never be the same again.

It started with searching the lyrics that Dean had sang to him in the car, which turned out to be a song by a band called "Kansas". He took the time to learn the lyrics and from there he just spiralled. Lyrics, celebrity gossip, news, politics, literature, media, porn, TV series, films, laws, conspiracy theories. Youtube, TMZ, Fox News, CNN, Blogger, BBC America, Netflix, Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr. Yes, even Tumblr. He saw photos of beautiful sunsets, people who he didn't know posing for photos that supposedly showed that they were having affairs or something, videos of violent battles on one side of the Earth and pictures of cats with captions with inaccurate spellings on the other. He saw six different interpretations of the same news story, people fighting for their right to love, people running so that they didn't have to fight and people being judged for a fight they had fought in the past. He saw people falling in love, crying, passing out, waking up, being scared, doing the scaring, dancing, singing, smiling, laughing, screaming, falling, smoking, jumping and cartwheeling. The porn was certainly an experience. But above all else Castiel found billions and billions and billions of pieces of evidence of humanity. Of life.

If Dean had asked he would have maybe found out that Castiel had used the internet to learn the basics of driving, of breaking into a car and of hot-wiring it. He had learned how to pick a lock, how to reload a gun quicker, how to treat injuries and how to pick up chicks. Why then had Cas let Dean drive and asked him how to tend to Dean's face? Well, if Dean had asked Castiel how he knew how to drive he might have learned about the intense research session Castiel had had before his eyes and head began to hurt, from staring at the computer too long he found out, and had gone to scan the books in the library but he wouldn't have heard Cas admit that no matter what, he wanted Dean to do what he had said he would - show Castiel how. He watched how Dean drove and he listened to every word that Dean had explained to him. When they sang in the car, Cas sang lower than Dean, not because he didn't know the words well enough but because he wanted to hear Dean sing them. Sam may have said that Dean had needed a friend but the minute he had asked Cas to let him show him how to be human Cas had known that he was asking, not telling, because Sam had walked out and Castiel had returned. He was asking, not telling, because he wanted someone to let him be the man he had been since he was just a boy.

He was asking someone to trust him. And Cas did - heart and soul.

>><<

"Get off my lawn" Dean woke up with a sharp breath and raised his head off the table. _Shit._ He realized he was asleep about half way through his version of 'Gran Torino' and some snot-nosed little kid tried to steal his baby.

He looked to his left slightly also realizing that a bit of paper was stuck to his face. He plucked it off and put it back down on the table before shaking his head. It was light outside, very light and very noisy meaning that the day was well under way. He looked to his watch.

"Dammit!" He pushed the chair back with his right hand and spun around to head into the bathroom. FBI agents do not turn up after noon, Dean.

>><<

He showered, treated his face as quickly as he could - it didn't look so swollen any more - and jumped in his car. He didn't shave.

When he pulled into the parking space in front of the station and turned the engine off a woman looked at him, less than pleasantly, and murmured something about having no respect for the less fortunate. Dean leaned out of his window and saw the outline of the blue badge on the ground. He sighed, switched the engine back on and resettled his car in the empty space next to the only disabled spot. _Always when you're late._

He took meaningful and serious strides into the office and stopped at the front desk, there was a young guy of about twenty or so sitting with a newspaper and a coffee but staring at his computer screen.

He looked up when Dean opened the front door. "Can I help you?"

"Yeah," Dean fished in his inside pocket for his badge, "Agent Brady from the FBI, I need to speak to whoever is in charge."

"One moment, please sir." Dean nodded as the young kid picked up the receiver of the phone on his desk and pressed the first button on the saved numbers. He paused. "Would you tell Hank that he's needed out front... An Agent Brady from the FBI... Alright, thanks Sheila." He put the phone down and smiled up at Dean. "Boss'll be right out."

Dean smiled. "Thanks. And his name is?"

"Deputy Chief Duss, the C.O.P is at a conference in Nantucket."

Dean nodded again, tapped the desk with his right palm lightly and turned around to look at the place. He was only looking around for a few minutes when a strained Minnesota voice echoed in the empty reception. "Agent Brady?" Dean turned to see a man in his late forties or early fifties with his hand outstretched to him. He shook it and returned the man's smile. "Deputy Chief Duss, Michael. Oh, got yourself a fresh one there." He gestured to Dean's left eye, which was the most noticeable of the damage still on Dean's face, Dean smiled and muttered a yeah. "Come on through." Dean wasn't used to being so warmly invited in before being quizzed on just what the hell did the FBI want anyway?

See, as much authority as the FBI had they didn't have a big fan club amongst state law officers. FBI agents had a rep - they'd pull up in blacked-out SUVs, jump out, take their sunglasses off, regardless of what time it was, flash badges and take over. The locals would have been busting their humps trying to get everything together and suddenly they would be tossed aside with a patronising few dismissive sentences and never hear about it again. So when the man walked Dean through the busy offices he expected that when the faces looked up to him they wouldn't be so calm and warm. They just smiled and went back to their paperwork.

The officer walked into his office and Dean followed him but before he had a chance to speak the man picked up a file from his desk and walked back out of the office. Dean had opened his mouth to talk, turned as Duss left and then followed him to the other end of the main room where there was a wall with three of the desks aimed at it. Two of those desks had an officer sitting at them and another officer was leaning against one talking to his colleague when he obviously alerted them to the approaching men and they all looked up. The two seated officers stood and turned as their boss passed them towards the wall.

"This is Agent Brady, FBI. Agent this is C.J," he pointed to the woman who smirked at Dean, he smiled back a little taken back by the blatantness of it and still trying to catch up to not having to lie his way in, "Eddie," the man who had been seated nodded in recognition, "and Alec." The man who had been leaning against Eddie's desk fiddling with a football raised it in his right hand and then went back to fiddling. The D.C turned to the wall and it was only then that Dean realized that it was full of notes, bits of string, photos, newspaper articles and randomly dotted post-it notes in different colours. "These are the official reports," he tapped the file and held it out to Dean who hesitated before taking it, "and this is what these three have managed to put together so far." He looked to Dean for an answer to a question Dean hadn't heard in that sentence. He raised his eyebrows and then looked down at the file in his hand, opening his mouth as if to speak but then not. "Can I leave the four of you to it?"

Dean nodded. "Yeah, sure. Em," He turned as the D.C walked away, "...thanks." He stared at the file in his hand. _What had just happened?_ He had just been ushered in, handed everything and then left to it - with three other people if he needed them. It fucked with Dean's brain for a few minutes. He scanned over the expanse of information on the walls and then back to the three people, still standing, still looking at him. Without hate or disbelief. He couldn't think where to start so his brain gave him just one word. "Coffee?"

>><<

They settled in with drinks, Dean took off his jacket, each officer had explained the reports and the board. Each person had been thoroughly investigated - family, work, friends, calls, bank accounts, computers - everything. The station had a HALO (High Activity Location Observation) program which was a collaboration between the station, local businesses and community groups which used cameras to deter crime and enhanced public safety through faster response to incidents. They had absolutely jack shit. None of the missing persons had any connection, there had been no witnesses to anything, the people had just simply been missed. All eight had disappeared off the face of the Earth and one thing bothered Dean.

"So, if none of these victims had anything in common what made you put them together, in the same case?"

The four of them were sat on chairs in the middle of the three desks staring at the wall. C.J. -slouched in her chair with her feet flat on the floor to steady herself which she used to turn her chair with her bum slightly this way and that, her brown trousers flared a little at the bottom of where they sat a touch too high over her leather boots due to her position - looked to Dean on her and Eddie's right. The cuffs of her white shirt were open and had been rolled up at some point but she'd let them unravel without fixing them and the cuffs stuck out. "Well, eight people disappear, all without any witnesses, bodies or apparent reason. There is a bigger chance that they're connected in some way than not."

Alec, to the other three's lefts nodded and looked to his desk. He put the football down on it and his hand lingered a second to steady it before he sat forward in his chair looking to his right at Dean, fiddling with his watch which was a little loose and rubbing. "Just because we can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there."

Dean smirked before Eddie spoke. "Why is the FBI so interested anyway?" Eddie was the only one with any coffee left after a few refills and still the only one yet to run to the restroom.

 _Ah, here we go._ This was the bit Dean knew how to do and, thankfully, he had researched the case. "Well, the fourth victim, Danny, the high school kid," the others looked to his photo on the wall as Dean pointed, "he was last seen on a bus to Cedar City, now his parents said that he had been checked into a facility before for depression and he had a history of threatening the other kids in his school saying one day he would, quote, 'fucking slaughter all of them like the pityful animals they were'" the others seemed to understand before Dean said it, "so in all honesty my bosses hope this is all connected because another high school shooting is not gonna go down well." Dean sighed. "It sucks ass but there it is." They also knew that if Danny was found in Cedar City and anything had happened, the crossing of state lines would automatically make it an FBI case without their permission so it was more beneficial to let the Bureau be involved in the case now, while they still had some say over it themselves.

There was a silence between them for a few minutes, Dean had been staring at the wall for the hour that they had been going through the case and only now did he notice the bit in the bottom right corner which hadn't been covered in their discussion. It was two pictures and a sheet in a little cluster with no strings stretching to it. Dean used his right foot to wheel a bit closer to that part of the wall. There was a yellow post-it note in the top right corner and all it said was 'connected?'.

Dean turned to look at the three officers. "What's this?"

Alec shifted uncomfortably as Eddie and C.J didn't say anything. Alec saw their unamused faces and shrugged. "Nothing."

Dean looked to the desks behind them as he stood up and took a step away from the wall and towards where they were sitting. Each desk had various combinations of the standard things you'd expect to find on the desk of an officer of the law - a computer, telephone, 'in' and 'out' trays with files in them, a name plate and a photo or something from their lives outside those doors. For example; Eddie's desk had a picture of a woman and two kids in it, Alec's had the football and a bobble head of someone (just who it was, Dean couldn't tell you) and C.J's computer screen had a small ball of blue fluff stuck to it, it was the kind that had a ribbon hanging down with a charity's name on it (what charity is was Dean couldn't see from where he stood) and an old copy of a novel sitting askew on top of the computer's tower. But amongst the various stationary on each desk there were post-it notes and, Dean noticed, each of them had chosen a different colour. He assumed there was some reason for it, such as knowing who wrote the notes they found in a file that they didn't understand or something. Whatever the reason, Dean was only interested in the yellow ones on Alec's desk.

"Well, you wrote the note," Dean pointed back to the wall and the three turned to look, "you're the only one that uses yellow, so obviously _you_ think that there's something. Tell me."

He hesitated and Dean paused. He then stood up and walked over to the wall, unpinning the two photos and paper as he spoke and Dean waited as he turned around to face him again. The other two looked on, obviously having heard it all before but interested in what Dean had to say about it.

"Well-It's probably nothing-"

"Yeah, probably." C.J snorted and Dean looked to her. When she saw his unamused face she glanced to Alec. "Sorry." She mumbled and Eddie turned away trying not to laugh.

Dean turned back to Alec. "Go on."

"Well, this is a warehouse out by highway 50 leading east out of town," he handed the picture to Dean and he looked at it, it wasn't old and beat up like most warehouses it was clearly a relatively new build and well maintained, "it was built about five years ago by some big corporation out of Nevada but about a year ago they upped sticks further east and abandoned it. It's been empty ever since, except..." He handed Dean the piece of paper which was actually five or six bits stapled together which he didn't notice when it was on the wall, he flicked through it as Alec kept talking, "since about nine weeks ago a few cars have been seen at night going in and out, always only one car and always at night. There's no noise coming out of it, they come after the sun goes down and they leave before it comes back up. Every week it's a different car but the same description of the person driving."

"A description?"

"Just from what people and HALO have been able to get by following the cars back into town. Nothing from the minute they drive into the lot so we don't even know if they get out of the vehicle and go in. They might just be using the place as a place to park or sleep. It just seems weird that it started nine weeks ago."

"Around the same time the first victim disappeared." Eddie offered, as a way of backing up his partner.

Dean looked at the piece of paper that the guy was holding, again a collection of paper and he seemed to realize. "Oh," He handed it to Dean who flicked through catching the blurred picture of the suspect at the back, "CCTV captures of the various vehicles reported to have been seen going in or out."

Dean didn't have any clue if this was connected or not but he had nothing else to go on. "Great, I'm going to go check this out."

"Your partner's probably been already?" C.J played with her empty cup. Dean looked to her then the other guys, Alec had turned his head to her but directed his eye contact to Dean when he shot the man a questioning look.

"Partner?"

"Yeah, Agent..." Eddie looked up to side. "Morgan."

Dean's face fell. "Sam." He then grabbed his jacket, still holding onto the files and ran out. He knew all of Sam's aliases and he knew that his brother was just dumb enough to get in there before Dean so that he could gloat later that it was nothing. Dean ran out of the reception without a word to the guy behind it as he looked up, he was too busy wondering if his dad had adopted his damn stupid brother and just neglected to mention it.

The three officers turned as he ran out. "I'm pretty sure the guy's name was Max."

The two's faces showed that they thought that two. "Did you see his eye?" Eddie looked to Alec who reached for his football again. "I didn't realize FBI guys got their hands dirty."

Alec shook his head. "Looks like his face took the brunt though, his partner was all ribs." They nodded and murmured. "Told you there was something in that warehouse and now the FBI are getting the credit." He threw his football at Eddie who used his arms to block it and they all started bickering between themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used the structure of the Denver PD because there was more information so HALO is an actual thing.


	9. Chapter 9

It wasn't Sam who had beaten Dean to it. Sam had accidentally crossed paths with a cult of witches who were using their powers to punish religious figures, when Sam had told them to stop or he would make them they had high-tailed it out of there and Sam had chased them. He knew that they would just set up shop in another town and he'd be back on their trail after more bodies. Plus he felt like shooting something.

No, it was Castiel who had driven to Fruita, bought himself a suit and found the local police station.

But where did he get the ID I hear you ask?

Well, when Cas was having a nosey around the bunker he had grabbed Dean's keys and had another look in the car. For three reasons. One - he wanted to see what collection of music Dean had so he knew what lyrics to learn. Two - he wanted to see the inside of the car's driver's side when his internet search gave him so many variables it addled his brain - automatic or manual, petrol or diesel, four wheel drive or two, what did those words even mean?! And third - what weapons did Dean keep in his trunk, apparently different guns, like cars, had to be handled and cared for in different ways. So Cas concluded that the only way to get answers was to go and have a look in the car.

He had opened the driver's door and looked at the steering wheel, the dash, dials and levers then lowered himself to balance on bended knees and the front half of his boots to look at the pedals. He had then got into the car and riffled through the tapes inside - Metallica, Foreigner, Led Zepplin, Bon Jovi (which was the least worn out of all of them) and two or three AC/DC ones that looked to be on their last legs. Castiel could smell the leather every time he had gotten into the car, it didn't overwhelm him but it was there, lingering in the air and he could smell burnt rubber, he leaned out of the car to look at the two tires which didn't look to be on fire to him but when he smelled exhaust fumes too he realised that that is just how the car smelled all of the time. Leather, rubber and fumes. He remembered that Dean had told him some time ago, that Sam had added an iPod jack to the car when Dean had died - Cas had had to look up what that meant - and Dean had tossed it out the minute he could because he said that what made classics timeless was when the owners kept them classic. Dean could had gotten a mechanic to fit a CD player in the car, or even done it himself which was more likely with Dean, but the car rolled off of the manufacturing line with a cassette player, when the car was being designed it was designed with a cassette player, when it was being imagined it was imagined with a cassette player. And a  _classic_  1967 Chevy Impala would always have a cassette player.

Dean had ended that story with the eloquent statement - "Apple can bite me".

While Castiel was poking around in the car he found a couple of Dean and Sam's IDs. He thought about what would happen if they were out and come across something unexpected? What if Castiel got Dean hurt because he couldn't back him up, and all because he didn't have an ID badge? So Cas picked up one of Sam's, went back inside and stared at the computer. How was he going to turn Sam's ID into his? Sam had tens of them, he wouldn't mind if Cas used one of his names, especially since he didn't need it right now. About ten minutes later Castiel was on the phone to a young man, driving in his car, name of Garth.

And when Castiel had arrived in Colorado that morning he had met a young woman called Cindy who had handed him an envelope across a diner counter. From Garth. She had put her hand over his when Cas had went to look inside. She had then looked around and muttered, "Not in here, dipshit."

Cas had went back to his car and looked at his badge; the FBI insignia, a picture he had taken and emailed to Garth at his request in a shirt, tie and suit jacket of Dean's, and the name Agent Max Morgan. "Agent Max Morgan." Cas said looking in the rearview mirror. "Hi, I'm Agent Morgan with the FBI." He smiled to himself, set the badge down on the seat and headed towards a tailor's in town. "I'm Max Morgan, FBI, assbutt." He laughed to himself. "Assbutt."

>><<

There was one thing that neither of the men had counted on and it became apparent to Castiel quite quickly - like a smack to the back of the head. He had decided to go to the warehouse, snoop around and wait until night time for the mystery suspect to arrive. So he had driven up, parked outside and looked around. There were no other cars in the lot so he picked up the gun from the front seat and looked at it - FBI issue, just like Garth said. Authenticity. Cas checked it, his badge and climbed out of the car. He shut the door and tucked his badge into the pocket of his suit jacket - his leather jacket and the rest of his clothes were in the back of the car.

It took Castiel a few minutes - thirty-nine - but he had picked the lock of the warehouse. Well, he had tried. He had given up and broken in instead. He walked around the side of the building away from the road and jimmyed a window. He prepared himself for some kind of alarm to go off and give him away but it didn't and he hauled himself inside. His feet had barely touched the ground when everything went black.

>><<

"Wakey, wakey" The voice was sing-song and soft as Castiel began to come back to consciousness. But it was far from gentle or sweet. Cas missed the way that Dean woke him up. "Guten Morgen, Agent Morgan." The voice laughed as the face came into view. Cas looked to a older man, very much older.

"It's the afternoon, assbutt." Castiel managed to get out. He realized that the only pain he had was the pain in the back of his head. Cheap shot.

"That's alright, because you're not Agent Morgan." The man stood beside Castiel as he realised he was tied to a chair. _How original._ The chair was in the middle of the warehouse. Castiel looked around noticing that the inside was full of pens - like jail cells - in rows and rows at one end facing away from them and blocking the other row, but where they were was a square space. Cas was tied to a chair, as was said, but to his far right there was an area that looked like the kind you'd find in a dentist's surgery - flexible chair and various tools. Just what the hell was going on?

"I know you." Cas managed to get out as he looked back to the man. "You're victim number two, the war vet."

The man laughed, a real throaty laugh like the kind you get from smoking for years and inhaling ridiculous fumes from fires and bombs and rotting corpses - and whatever else he would have came across in Vietnam. "Actually, he was patient zero." He started to pace slowly and calmly in front of Cas. "Took that one a long time ago. Do you realize how easy it is to scope out people when you're an old homeless man? A war vet, no less. Most people don't even notice you and the ones that do, they respect you enough to tell you things about their lives. Or they just don't see a seventy-two year old man as a threat - either way, I'm a genius."

Castiel squinted a little. "What?"

He turned to Cas. "My name's Castiel and I'm a shapeshifter."

Castiel kept squinting again. "Castiel?"

"Well..." The shifter looked to the side. "It's not, but it is  _your_  real name." He tutted as he got closer to Castiel. "Impersonating an officer of the law." He gasped and put his right hand over his mouth as it lay open for a second. "An FBI agent, as well." Then he wagged his right index finger at him. "Not good." Castiel struggled against the restraints. "Don't bother, you're not as strong as you used to be."

Cas looked back to him. "You know, I've had a rough week so you better hope I don't get loose." He snarled at the man.

"Yes, it is quite unnerving isn't it. Having someone inside," he pointed a knife that Cas didn't realize he was holding to his head, letting the point touch his temple and make it bleed slightly, " _your_ head." He smiled. "Again. Worse than looking in the mirror," he smiled and changed before Castiel's eyes, "isn't it?"

Castiel, fully donned in a suit, tie and the usual FBI stuff, with a little blood dried on the back of his head, sat tied up looking at himself in filthy rags - like a homeless man. Almost the image of Castiel stuck in Purgatory.

He struggled again trying to get loose. He had taken his angel strength for granted when he was a celestial being and he had felt the loss when he had first fallen. Right now though, if he could only get loose he'd try and prove he was still strong as he beat the shit out of that face. His own face.

"Oh dear, Castiel... You have been a bad boy, haven't you?" This Castiel laughed at.. Well himself, the tied up him. "Yes, I have." The shifter laughed again. There was a noise in the distance and the shifter looked up, but not surprised or worried.

 _"Darling, I'm home!"_  The voice echoed and then a woman appeared and when she spotted him, she tuned her head a little. "Dear god, who are you wearing?" When she saw Castiel sitting there she smiled. "Oh, that's who." She leaned down, right hand on the back of the chair and stroked Castiel's chin with her left hand. "And who is this?" The pictures may have been grainy but Cas knew that this was the woman from the candid photos, she had shoulder length dark hair, fair skin, plump lips and a beauty spot just under her nose, to her right side.

"Would you believe, a fallen angel." This Castiel smirked and looked over to the cells where distressed noises were starting up.

"Really? Never had one of those before." She then tipped his head back and spoke through gritted teeth. "In either way."

"You're just his type." Cas looked to himself as he walked to the chair, as did the woman. Just then he changed to Meg, just like the last time Castiel had seen her; a few cuts here and there, the bandage that Cas had put on her and blonde hair. She smirked at Cas as his mouth fell open. Meg. The demon who had watched over him day and night through his madness and the one who had suggested they, what was it again?

"Hmm. I'll bet she would be delicious. Except for the hair." She pointed.

"Yeah, she wasn't a fan either." Then Meg's hair changed back to brown. She looked to Castiel. "Order pizza and move some furniture around, since you asked."

Castiel could feel the anger flare up inside him. _How dare she- he- IT!_ Those were his memories. He had had enough of monsters rooting around in his head! The Leviathan, Naomi and now this abomination!

She gasped again. "I'm going to let that one go." She then stood up again. "Although, your tastes have rather shifted of late, haven't they?" Meg smirked at Castiel for the last time and it broke his heart - it wasn't how he wanted to remember her.

Castiel closed his eyes knowing exactly what was coming. "And they call me the shifter." Cas heard Dean's voice before he opened his eyes. His stinging eyes. "We're family!" He mock sobbed and laughed.

Cas closed his eyes again and hung his head as the tears streamed down his cheeks. "Just-just kill me."

There was a silence before the woman and Dean laughed to each other. "Oh darling, he thinks you're a shifter too."

Cas opened his eyes again, the pain in his lungs returning and eclipsing the pain at the back of his head.

"Oh no, angel cake. No, no." She bent down and reached for his jaw line again. He looked down at her hand but it was her lips that came closer to his. He then looked to them, trying to move his head back. "No, I'm much," Cas squinted as he suddenly felt woozy, "much," his head bobbed but he looked in her eyes, "worse." They glowed blue.

>><<

Dean pulled into the parking lot, it was still light but there was two cars in the lot. Dean flicked through the reports and CCTV photos he had. Nope, none of the cars matched. Dammit. Sam's taste in cars might not have been so bad after all. Dean was slightly surprised, they'd have to talk about this new found class Sam had - after Dean saved his ass and then killed him for being an idiot.

>><<

Poor innocent Sam was in Colorado but not Fruita, washing his shirt in a motel sink. The water running away from the fabric was running deep, deep red.

"Well, that didn't go to plan." He sighed and used the back of his palm to wipe his forehead. "Frigging witches, man."

He let go of the shirt and decided to let it soak for a while as he walked back into the main part of the motel room and sat down on the bed. His gun was on the bed across from him and so was his mobile. "Screw this." He opened it and dialled.

>><<

Dean was getting out of his car when his phone rang. He answered it without paying attention.

"Yup."

 _"Dean?"_ Dean froze to the spot.  _"Why haven't you been answering yo-"_

Dean cut him off. "Sam? Are you alright? What did you find?"

There was a little pause.  _"Find? Find where?"_

"In the warehouse?" Dean kept walking towards the trunk of his car aiming a look to his phone as if Sam could see.

_"Warehouse... What warehouse?"_

"Sam, I know you came to Fruita." Dean smiled a little. Stupidest smart guy ever.

 _"Dean, I'm not."_ Dean stopped. Why was he playing?

"Come on, Sam. The guys at the station gave you up. Well, they gave Agent Morgan up." Dean looked through his guns, realizing he had forgotten to take the silver bullets out of his gun after the last time. He tucked the phone under his jaw and left shoulder and squinted to see in the sunlight.

"Dean, I left that ID in the car."

Dean stopped and, holding his gun in his right hand he used it to lower the trunk lid. "Sam, did you tell Cas this is where I'd be?"

_"Shit, I'm sorry Dean."_

Dean ran towards the warehouse, leaving the trunk lid just shy of closed, slammed the clip back into the gun and whisper-spat into his phone. "If anything happens, this is on you." He then hung up.


	10. Chapter 10

Dean managed to pick the lock on the door of the warehouse in forty-seconds. It would have been quicker if it wasn't for the damage it looked like Cas had inflicted on it hours before. He slipped inside and let the door close silently behind him. He could hear voices far down the corridor, as he got closer he could hear that there was three.

And he recognized two of them. _What the friggin' hell?_

He could hear quiet, slurred moans and as he came to the end of the corridor and the entrance to the main part of the warehouse, he realized where they were coming from. The warehouse had been cleared of any structure except two rows of cells facing each other to the right of the end of the corridor. Dean could see bodies lying on the floor writhing. Only slightly. They were completely out of it and mumbling. The one girl whose face he could see he recognized as the minister's daughter and she did not look well at all.

But at that moment Dean was focused on the sudden absence of Castiel's voice. He looked over and saw that the former angel was strapped to a chair, which was just as well since his head fell forward and he slipped into unconsciousness. A woman straightened up from looking at his face and walked behind a counter to the left of where they had stood before riffling in a drawer putting various bits of metal on the counter.

"Are you just going to stand there? Help me."

"Hey, we agreed." Dean watched as the man turned his head away from looking at Castiel to look at her. "I get to play with the food before you eat it. I am not getting involved." Dean watched himself smirk and then turn back to Castiel's drooping body. He was dressed in dirty and loose rags - Dean would have thought to himself that if someone was going to impersonate him then could they do it without looking homeless if he wasn't so focused on this bastard. Not only was he a shifter but he was touching Cas. He was walking around the sleeping angel and running his hands over his chest then shoulders before ruffling with his hair. Dean pouted.

He wanted to aim and fire at the bastard right there but he couldn't. _Food._ He had called Castiel food. Not his food: _hers_. Which meant that either she was all kinds of fucked up, even for a shifter, or that she wasn't one at all. So just what was she? And how had they knocked Castiel out like that? Drugs?

"Well at least use your new-found guns and move my meal."

Dean looked down to his arms. _Guns._ Hmm.

"Fine, but I'm not touching him after that. I do the lifting I get to entertain myself in between dindins, that was the deal." He started untying Castiel, rubbing his hair again and Dean had enough. He raised his gun and aimed at where the bastard's heart would be. Castiel slipped forward, the shifter stood and looked to his friend as if he was going to ask something and as he did Dean tapped the trigger, three times - shifters were fast and he didn't want to miss. "Where did you-"

The first bullet hit his heart, the second penetrating the abdomen as this Dean was forced back and bent with the force of the .45 silver bullet, and the third went over his head hitting the far wall low down as it lost momentum when the shifter, or Dean as he was now stuck as, fell to the floor and slid on his back a few feet.

The second Dean had stopped shooting he broke out into a run, aiming his gun at the unknown creature to the left trying to get to Castiel before she did. Dean was a few steps away when the woman, or whatever she was, reacted to the shots and started to move towards Castiel. Dean got there first and aimed his gun, skidding to halt in front of Cas' unconscious body. Whatever it was keeping him that way, it wasn't tied to the shifter.

"Oh," She stood holding a gun aimed right back at the hunter, "I've seen Stephen shift into many humans and other things but it's nice to see the original. I have to say, just from the DNA left on your boyfriend there, he did a pretty good job." She bit her lip. "Wanna go halvsies?" She gestured the gun to Dean's right side where Castiel had begun to fall forward onto the back of Dean and the top of his head was visible. Dean stepped in front of him and tried to use his body to force Cas backwards, however undignified it was to have Castiel's face leaning against the ass of Dean's jeans it would be worse for Dean's chances of getting them both out of here alive if the floppy thing fell flat on his face. "There's plenty to go around. I'm not greedy."

Dean looked her up and down. He was sizing her up. _What in the hell was she?_ Didn't want to be seen during the day coming here, but knew the shifter on some level. Level enough to be in a kind of partnership.

"Haven't figured it out yet, have you?" She smirked.

"Why you haven't shot me yet?" Dean tried to think through his father's notebook. What could she be?

"Well, that answers my question. See, I was thinking you didn't know what I was yet because if you did you would know that silver bullets aren't going to do jack but sting a little."

Now if there was one thing Dean was good at and nothing else, and believe me there was plenty else he was good at, then it was keeping people talking. He did it one of three ways - he would charm them; a smile, a compliment, look down shy and, keeping the head down, look up. Or he would piss them off enough that they would argue with him; Dean was one of those people who you either wanted to screw into the mattress (or be screwed into the mattress by) until you weren't even sure what your name was any more or you wanted to pummel his face in until he never forgot the specific shape of your knuckles and he didn't mind using that second one to get people so worked up that while they had started off insulting him before they knew it they were screaming everything they could think of because it was easier than kicking the shit out of him. And the third was what he was going for right now - I know nothing so please revel in telling me how much smarter than me you are.

For some reason people always believed the third one quicker than the other two. You can already see the pout, right?

"So what are you, then?" Dean pulled it off with a pissed off look that said, 'I'm so sick of never understanding what's going on that it angers me.' Which worked for him right now because that asshole had had his hands all over Castiel and now she was going to serve him up, after taking the time to insult Dean. _Over my dead body._ Dean glanced at the shifter, over my  _real_ dead body. Dean moved his left hand back a little catching Cas' shoulder and pushing him back slowly hoping that he'd catch on the back of the chair, not fall to the side and crack his head open when he fell backwards. Dean waited on the crash. No crash came.

"Oh, Dean. Dean Winchester." She laughed and gestured her gun. "You have no out here, my gun can kill you and your gun can't do shit but nip. But I won't." She lowered her gun, sitting loose in her hand at her side. "I'll keep you alive long enough to drink you dry, Dean."

_Click._

What she had just said and the shifter's words gelled in Dean's brain.

He smiled and she looked to him. "Time to go back in the lamp." He shot, her gun fell from her hand to the floor, he shot again and she fell backwards trying to scramble away from him. Dean tried to remember if there had been an 8th round in the chamber when he had looked in it while he was on his cell to Sam. Dean tensed his jaw as he fired again, this Djinn wasn't fully developed or it was just too sure of itself - it hadn't used it's speed to get away from Dean, it hadn't sensed Dean when he had sneaked in and it had no idea that Dean was going to shoot it until he did. When he pulled the trigger he felt almost instantly that the gun didn't fire. He didn't have a choice.

Sorry Cas. Again.

>><<

Castiel was in his poison-induced state but it wasn't as plain sailing as it should have been.

At first he had been in heaven. The unrest and war over he got back to the mission that his Father had tasked the angels with since the very creation of humanity - protecting them. He had his grace and wings back, as well as all of the powers afforded to the beings by God. He and his brother's worked harmoniously side by side to fight the evils threatening God's most prized creation.

Now you might think that, since it was supposed to be Castiel's perfect world, that there would be nothing threatening humanity and, even though jealousy was a sin, maybe even that humanity was not there to steal away his Father's love from his sons. But angels were warriors, warriors with one purpose - protect humanity, as was said. So, the perfect world for an angel is one in which they can fulfil that mission, that duty, to the best of their abilities. And how would they protect it if there were no threats or even no humanity at all? They wouldn't and, most importantly, they wouldn't be needed. Wanted maybe, but  _needed,_  no. And that's why Castiel understood Dean's innermost desire, to be wanted and needed.

_Dean._

And that's when everything got a little screwed up.

Castiel's perfect world where he was angel started to skew, because there was another desire locked away deep within him and it directly conflicted with the current one. He was falling, not figuratively, no _literally_. He hurtled towards the ground, twisting and turning with terror on his face. He didn't want to fall, he wanted to be an angel and he wanted to serve his purpose for his Lord. He hit the earth, a lot gentler than he would have expected to if it were real, but then, Castiel did not know that it wasn't. He fell through the sky and landed, as if he had tripped over, in a bush.

"I'm not even going to voice the joke I have in my head." Cas knew the voice and the limbs attached to it pulled him out of the jaggy shrubbery. "Come on, I got dinner." Dean walked away, gesturing his head to the motel door. Of course he would land in a motel parking lot. Of course he would. Castiel looked up at the sky with tears slowly streaming down his face. He looked down and realized he was back in his vessel and his vessel's usual attire. Trench coat and all. "Come on!" Dean shouted from the doorway and Cas slowly walked over.

When he had crossed into the room, Dean closed the door behind him and grabbed his arm to look at him properly. "Hey, why are you crying? Did you hurt yourself?" He searched the man's face and tried to look for signs of abrasions on him. Cas shook his head slowly, he hadn't been aware that he was crying. The motel room looked exactly the same as the one he had gone to after Dean and Sam's argument. "Here." Dean started taking Cas' trench coat from him and laid it over the chair closest him then dragged Cas over to the double bed and sat him down. Dean sat on the edge and wiped Cas' eyes before picking up a bag from the floor and taking out a cheeseburger in a wrapper from the local diner. He held it out for Cas to take but he was still stunned to silence. Dean lowered his hands and sighed. "Cas, talk to me."

Cas stuttered. "I'm not an angel any more. I don't understand."

Dean put the burger back in the bag, let it fall to the floor and turned to look at Cas with worry. "I know, you haven't been one for a while?" Cas didn't answer. Dean pulled Cas into a hug, his arms around Cas' neck while Cas began to cry again, grabbing onto Dean's back and gripped his upper arms. "I know, I know." After a while Dean kissed the top of Castiel's head and put both his hands on either side of Cas' face to make him look at him. "Just focus on me." Dean leaned in and kissed Cas once. He didn't react to it - it was as if it was the most normal and everyday thing Dean did. "Focus on us." He did it again, lingering a little longer, and then tried to pull Cas into a hug again. But Cas pulled back. "What, what's wrong?"

Cas just stared at Dean. What had just happened? Dean looked from his eyes to his mouth as his hands stayed on Cas' neck. Cas edged his face forward, just a little, to see what Dean would do.

Dean mimicked him instantly and closed the distance even after Cas stopped. Cas kept his eyes open, he wanted to see it too. Cas pulled back again. Yes, that had just happened. His lips were parted a little when their kiss stopped and Dean looked to them. Cas looked like the most innocent thing in the world, as if they had never done this before. As if they had never screwed each other's brains out. Lots.

They kissed for longer each time, Dean's gentle hand on the back of Cas' head and Cas' hands just the same on Dean's ribs then his back. Cas started to slowly nudge Dean back onto the bed and lifted his left leg over to straddle Dean, who's feet were still planted on the floor, they switched their hands so that Dean held Cas' sides and Cas firstly put his hands down on the bed to lean and then slowly wrapped them around Dean's neck. As if they had done this a million times.

A high pitched, piercing noise rang out and Cas stretched back, Dean following him to lean on his elbows, up to hold his ears. The windows broke inwards, the door blew open and everything else in the room that could smash did. Dean however, was lightly touching his hands to Cas' sides and then thighs asking, fear slowly growing in his voice and face, to know what the hell was wrong with Cas.

A bright light entered the room and he closed his eyes. He shouted to Dean to do the same, screaming that there was an angel.

'Castiel, come home now.'

Cas could only hear the piercing noise but he somehow knew that that's what it said.

So as Dean stormed the warehouse, killed the shifter and ran out of bullets Castiel's innermost desires fought between themselves - unable to decided before what he was created for and who he had grown to be.

>><<

Dean pulled the trigger and instantly knew that there was no more bullets in it, he surged forward and hit her with the butt of his gun then lunged to the arm of the chair - to the knife that the shifter had been playing with and left there when that Dean was Meg.

The djinn took the hit across the face with more of a reaction that perhaps she would have, she was hungry and had just been shot at like a common animal. She had thrown her hands out to catch herself on the counter, knocking various tools to the floor, when Dean ran to her. He had remembered about Sam's encounter with one of these bastards and their dislike of the golf club Sam had used to bash it's head in. Dean didn't have a silver knife soaked in lambs blood, or something to take it's head off - at least not inside the warehouse - so he would have to improvise.

She groaned and then let out a frustrated cry. "I am above you, you fucking-"

Dean grabbed her head and smashed it into the counter three times, not enough to kill her but enough to buy him some time. "Shut up." He ran over to Cas, leaning against the back of the chair the exact way Dean had left him. He leaned down, on one knee at Cas' right side, trying to use the knife to cut Castiel's ropes. "Sorry Cas, need the chair." When she began to moan on the floor and look to the exit Dean looked down to the ropes around Cas' legs, they were so tight Dean couldn't get the knife in between Cas' leg and the leg of the chair but he couldn't untie them either. "Don't even bother." He slid around to kneel down in front of Cas, since she was moaning and slurring words Dean was confident enough to turn his back to her while he tried to get the ropes undone. His best shot was to use the chair to thoroughly bash this bitch's brains in.

She had other ideas. She dragged herself to her feet and slowly walked towards Dean with the big-ass knife she had picked up off the floor. The blade was nearly the size of her fore arm and she wondered if she could cut his head right off with it.

She let out a strangled cry and vibrated a little on the spot, her hair pulled back. Dean spun his head then turned it back and lowered it trying to shelter away from the blood she was spraying everywhere. She then fell to her left onto her side as blood continued to pool around her.

Dean turned his head back around to see Sam standing there panting, lowering his hands. "Hey."


	11. Chapter 11

'Castiel, you must come home now.' The voice echoed in through Cas' hands on his ears. 'This is not where you belong.'

Dean reached and pulled Cas' hands from his ears, trying to get him to listen to him, but when Cas screamed in agony Dean quickly let go and held his hands up, Cas put them back to his ears and looked at Dean. "Close your eyes!" He shouted.

"What? Cas?"

"Close your eyes!" He pleaded with his own as best he could, looking at Dean as if his whole purpose was in the next sentence. "For me?"

Dean's face relaxed in surprise and then he closed his eyes. "What's going on?"

Cas turned back to look at the doorway, the being looking back at him. And yet all Cas could think about was that he still had his eyes - had he truly fallen at all?

'Your Father commands you return.' Cas' face fell as the noise abated and the wind fell to a breeze.

"Cas, what's going on?" Dean looked around, his eyes still closed, as if he couldn't sense the change in the room.

He lowered his hands then looked to Dean. 'He will be safer without you in his life, Castiel.' Cas looked back to the outline of a figure not quite formed yet. 'Happier.' He looked to Dean's face again, his own eyes burning as his stomach lurched. He wanted to stay, to be with Dean, but there was a niggling at the core of his soul that told him he did not belong here; in this man's arms or even in James' vessel. Cas slowly stepped back onto the floor and Dean sat up.

"Cas if you don't answer me I swear I will open my-" Cas put two fingers of his right hand to Dean's forehead and hoped. The man fell back onto the bed, asleep. Cas leaned and kissed him on the forehead then rubbed it. He followed his brother out of the door then turned to take one last look at the sleeping Winchester on the bed and closed the door over.

And then Castiel went home again.

>><<

"Will you just let me carry him?" Sam called after Dean as the elder Winchester threw Cas over his right shoulder, ignoring that they were both covered in the djinn's blood, and made for the exit of the building.

"Start cleaning up." Was all that Dean said as he pushed the door open then he turned back. "And wedge this open."

Sam sighed and picked up the chair Cas had been tied to, walked to the door, opened it again and wedged it, at an angle under the door handle. He looked to the car, at Dean opening the side door and then lowering Castiel in his arms. The blood in sprays down the back of Dean's shirt were the only real indication that anything had threatened him and Sam considered the reasons why Dean would turn his back on her, endangering himself like that. He looked at Cas, who was pretty much covered in it, and, Sam couldn't see his face but... Did he just brush his right hand through Cas' hair? Sam furrowed his brow and thought about it while Dean gently put Cas into the passenger seat and closed the door then Sam shook his head. More important things to think about right now.

"Dean-" Sam sighed again, a little annoyed, when Dean pushed passed him into the warehouse. He followed him. "How are we going to do this?"

Dean didn't answer, he just took out his phone and dialled for the operator, wiping his red hand on the side of his pants.

_"Operator, what number do you require?"_

"Hi, could you just put me straight through to the Fruita City Police Department, please?" Sam's eyes widened and Dean looked away from him. There was a few seconds before a young man answered. "Hey, I'm looking for Alec Scudder." Dean thought back to the desks and reports and for a second he panicked that he had gotten the name wrong.

_"Who is this?"_

"Agent Brady from the FBI, I was there this morning."

_"Of course, sir. I remember you, one moment please."_

Dean waited and turned to look at Sam, he moved the phone as it rang in his ear down so that if someone picked up he couldn't be heard clearly. "Well, make yourself useful!" He nodded to the shifter's body on the floor.

Sam watched as Dean, extremely pissed, turned away from him. He looked behind him at the shifter and the djinn. He then got to work looking for something to wrap the body in.

_"Scudder." Dean relaxed relieved._

"Hey Alec, it's Agent Brady."

_"Oh, hey! How you lot getting on out there - getting to be quite a party. Did you find your partner then?"_

"Yeah-"

_"And your boss, did he find you?"_

Dean stopped. "My boss?" He turned to look at Sam. "Tall guy, long hair... needs a  _cut_?" He said it with a click, pointedly at Sam who just sighed. It was only then that Dean realized that Sam was in a shirt and dress trousers. He must have gone to the station after Dean.

_"That's the one, you been a naughty boy?" The voice was clearly smirking._

"Listen Alec, you were right. The warehouse was a big part of it all." There was a lot of scuffling on the other end and Dean moved the phone away from his ear.

_"It was?! Did you find them?"_

"Keep your voice down! Listen, you know that everything the FBI does isn't always..." Dean couldn't think of the right word. "Explainable?" He shrugged to himself and hoped it would fit.

_"You stepped in some Area 51 shit?" Alec was whispering into the phone._

"Something like that, listen we're gonna need you to come out here but you can't say anything to the others. Can you do that?"

_"Yes, yes sir."_

"Okay good, you're gonna need some things..."

He turned to Sam who was looking at him with a cocked and unimpressed eyebrow as he was walked over holding a big, what used to be white, dirty sheet. "Explainable?"

Dean shot him a look and gestured to the fabric. The gesture and look combined to 'just shut up and keep doing that'.

>><<

Castiel was sitting on a bench in Sacramento watching a couple across the street. The were leaving their flat and arguing as they carried the last of their luggage to their car where their three-month old baby was strapped in waiting. The woman was ranting about how the man's drunken state when he stumbled in the night before, later than he said he would, had woken the baby and resulted in them being late on the road for her sister's wedding and now they might not make it in time. And that, if they did she was going to look a mess now since she would have barely any time to get ready.

He was arguing back that he didn't say he would be home exactly on the dot and that it was a different story when it was the other way round. Castiel closed his eyes as if the next comment hurt him when the man mumbled that he never liked the sister anyway. That was just silly. And unfortunate. Because Castiel knew that the woman wasn't going to have any time to get ready to be her sister's bridesmaid because they weren't going to make it to the wedding at all. They were going to die.

They were going to argue the whole way while their child looked out of the window at the world, the man would cut up other drivers, take corner's too fast, she would turn the stereo up too loud, hit his arm when he ignored her, he would blame her for his job and his unhappiness and she would blame him for her high blood pressure and exhaustion. They'd pull around a pick up, into the path of a range rover, swerve, come off the road and plough into a tree.

A tree that had been a seed that had landed in that exact spot hundreds of years ago from the fur of an animal that no longer walked the Earth and one that humans were yet to even learn of. The creature had heard a roar in the distance and whipped it's head around, tossing the seed to the ground. It had gotten stuck to it's fur in the first place after it had taken a lie in the shade under a tree of the same kind miles away that morning.

The origins of that tree could be traced through that creature right back to why the creature needed to lie down beside the tree that bore it's seed or, indeed, where  _that_  tree's seed had come from. You could even know that the animal that roared in the distance did so because it was in pain from something attacking it. That tree could be explained from here back to the beginning of time - and Castiel knew it all in his head.

But his job was simple - protect the child. The child had to survive the crash so that she could grow up on her aunt's farm. Her aunt, addled with grief and guilt that it was her wedding that they were on the way to, would pour her heart and soul into that child. Anything she wanted she would have, any talent or passion nourished - the woman would even lose her husband to her devotion. And that child? Well, that child would become a prophet who would tell the word of God in her music.

To be protected at all costs, Castiel, and entrusted to you.

A child who's entire life was already mapped out for her - was before she was born. Two lovers struck by Cupid's bow so that they would bear a child marked for a higher purpose. And as soon as they did, the countdown started. Those lovers had only two years together before the child was born then twelve weeks and four days as parents before they would die. Because it had been decided. As the engine started and Castiel moved to the seat next to the child in the car, he looked to her. She had no idea and no choice.

Castiel tried not to but he thought to the Winchesters. How Cupid had been ordered to target Mary Campbell and John Winchester and bring them together, a very important couple he had said, so that two sons could be born. A child conceived, a man killed, a deal made, that man resurrected and a boy born. Four years, three months and nine days later a second son was born. The death of their mother continuing the chain of events that would lead the boys to where they had been and were going. To Cas.

Hours later Castiel leaned across the child as the car swerved on the road, screams and screeching tires filled the air and it was all over quicker than they could echo back through the forest trees. Castiel looked to the child as he leaned back to look at her face and make sure she was alright. She started crying from fright of the crash. "I concur." Castiel sighed and then he was on the road watching the passengers of the pick up and range rover run to the car and the sound of a child crying. Alive and crying.

The smell of burning rubber lingered in the air and he remembered the Impala. Before he could control it he was inside the bunker in Kansas looking over Dean's sleeping body. Dean stirred a little, aware he was being watched, then woke up completely. When he saw Cas he bounded up and over to him. "Cas, are you alright, where have you been?" He searched the man's face. Cas realized he must be back in his vessel.

"I'm sorry?"

"It doesn't even matter right now, come here." He hugged Cas, forcing Cas' arms up away from his body. Dean turned his face to Cas' neck and when his nose and breath rubbed along it Cas' eyes closed and he clasped his hands around the back of Dean's head. "I was worried about you."

That was the best thing Cas had heard, and it broke his heart.

>><<

"I don't understand?" Alec stood looking at Dean and Sam in the warehouse.

Dean rolled his eyes and went to explain it all again, angrily, but Sam put his hand up to Dean who just looked at him, seconds away from punching his brother. "It doesn't really matter who we are, Alec. All that does matter is that these people need medical attention but we can't be connected to the discovery."

"But your names and stuff are in the logs, you're on the station CCTV - you and the other guy." Dean thought about Cas outside in his car, still alive but with that poison in his system and djinn's blood all over him. He didn't know what he'd do, he might be a human now but he was an angel and suicide has always been a sin. He might never get to see those eyes again.

"That's fine, as far as you're concerned, we arrived, looked into it and found nothing."

Dean butted in. "You file a report that says we were satisfied that the high school kid didn't board a bus to Cedar City after all, after we checked into it we found that it was a mis-identification and we left. You checked out the warehouse after we dropped the lead and found this lot. You found her," Dean pointed to the djinn, "recognising her as the chick in the photos you tried to bring her in for questioning, she disarmed you and came at you with a knife."

"You got it off her and fell to the ground, she stumbled and fell with you, that explains how you stabbed her in the back like-" Sam pointed to her on the ground, blood congealing around her body and sprayed where Cas had been tied up. As well as up Dean's back. "That." Sam's hands and arms were sprayed with blood from the stab wound but none of that seemed to matter to Alec at that moment. He hadn't even pulled Dean up about the fact that this wasn't any kind of Area 51 shit like he had intimated.

Dean nodded. "And then you called it in."

Alec took in everything that was said then looked between the two brothers. "And that one?"

He gestured to the body rolled up in the dirty white sheet on the floor behind him. Dean and Sam turned to look and then looked to each other, slowly forming words but it was Sam who spoke. "I'm afraid that's classified." Dean nodded.

Alec blinked a few times and then looked back to the woman. "Okay." Dean and Sam raised eyebrows at him. "Seriously, okay." He ran his fingers through his hair and then looked back towards the right of the room. "I was right." He blew out a shakey breath. "I was right and these people have been found, if nothing else comes of this then at least the families know." He pulled out his phone and looked through it. "You might want to take off."

Dean hit Alec on the right shoulder with his his right hand then began to walk passed him towards the exit. Sam stopped, halfway through turning around, and looked to him. "Aren't you going to help me?"

Dean didn't turn. "You wanted to do the carrying, knock yourself out." He raised his hand and stormed out of the warehouse door into the parking lot.

Sam rolled his eyes, then caught Alec's eye. He was supposed to be Dean's boss and he only just remembered. "I'll put him on suspension later." He picked the body of his brother up and threw it over his shoulder, turning back to Alec and shifting the body slightly. "He won't see it coming." He smiled and marched towards the exit taking one look at the bodies lying in their cages. None would survive, he thought, unless they killed themselves in their fantasy worlds.

>><<

Castiel or Cas.

That was the question racing through Castiel's mind as Dean hugged him. Cas couldn't decide, who was he? Castiel could feel the tears bubbling in his cheeks up to his eyes. He pushed Dean off of him and ran out of the room.

"Cas?" Dean called after him and then walked into the hall to see the bottom of his trench coat flap around the corner. "Castiel?"

"I'm sorry!" Cas called over his shoulder as he ran and ran towards the exit of the base. He just wanted out. The next step he took was on the dirt road outside the bunker and he took a few more steps before he stopped. He could see the traffic rushing at the bottom of the road, oblivious to him, as if the bunker and the two men were in a bubble. He leaned his hands on his knees and felt the tears slide down his cheek, hot and heavy. "Is this a test?" He asked the sky. "Is that what this is?" Castiel heard nothing. "Because I'm failing." He felt heavier and heavier.

Cas or Castiel.

"Who am I?"

"Cas." Castiel turned to see Dean standing just outside the bunker. "You're Cas. Tell me what's going on?" He stood a good thirty feet from Castiel and shouted over the sounds of trucks going passed behind Cas.

"I have a second chance." Castiel turned to face Dean. "How can I not take it?"

>><<

Dean didn't care how Sam knew about the djinn, why he had come in the first place or how sorry he was. Dean got in his car and drove east while Sam put the body in his stolen saloon and drove in the opposite direction to dispose of it. Dean had decided that that was the least he could do. Another dead Dean Winchester would not go down well. They left two cars in the parking lot - Cas' and the djinn's.

Dean looked across to Cas still comatose in the driver's seat, face and torso covered in blood. Dean had leaned him against the window a little in the hopes that it would keep him steady most of the way, he knew it was too much of a drive to the base but Dean wanted to be as close as possible before he stopped. And he wasn't going to stop talking to Cas, hoping that he would hear his voice and want to follow it back to the real world. Dean wondered what his deepest desire was because right now Dean's was just for him to come back to him. But Dean could hardly keep himself together right then so he figured something else might bring Cas back.

Dean turned up the stereo and played  _'Livin' on a Prayer'_  as loud as he could. But he didn't feel like singing either, so he just drove east.

>><<

Sam joined highway 50 north-west until he hit 6, it only took him twenty minutes before he found the reservoir off of the Kokopelli trail, but instead of turning left onto it he pulled off to the side of the road and waited until it was dark. There was a small lake of sorts far off to the right and that's where he would burn and bury the body. He didn't think that a man dragging a body shaped package across to the lake, even in the fading evening sun, would go unnoticed so he would wait. He opened the glove box looking for something to do or read and found a children's book about a mouse who wanted to be a cat. Great, now he felt awful.

>><<

"A second chance?" Dean walked forward and Cas took steps backwards.

"Stay there, Dean." Castiel looked behind him and then back to Dean. "Just stay away from me." He knew that Dean could change his mind with just a touch.

Dean stopped dead in his tracks, the words slicing him like a knife. "Stay away from you?" His eyes suddenly filled up.

"I have been given a second chance to rejoin my brothers again." Cas tried not to look at Dean's upset face.

"Was that what all that business was in the motel? They spoke to you, asked you to go back?"

Castiel nodded. "Yes, yes they did and that's where I was meant to be Dean, it's who I am!" he shouted as if Dean was denying him that.

Dean suddenly got angry. "Is it? Because I thought you were someone else, I thought you were  _my_  someone else!" He put his right hand to his chest and the gesture stunned the other man. Dean saw it and sighed. He looked down, dropping his hand,  and then sighed, angry with only himself for what he was about to tearfully say. "Cas, I have never and _will_ never want you to be anything other than who or what you are. Whether that's an angel or a human..." He cleared his throat. "I have never stopped you, I just thought that you  _wanted_  to be with me. I guess I was wrong." Castiel took one step towards him. He wasn't wrong, of course he wasn't. Dean held up his hand and smiled to the side. "No, Cas. Go. Go home, angel." He turned around to walk back into the bunker but stopped and turned slightly back around. "Just don't forget me." He smiled and then resumed walking down the steps.

When the door slammed close. A sob blurted from Castiel and he looked to the sky. "This is not a test, this is torture! This isn't fair! I did everything I was asked to do, I was asked to protect the Winchesters, I killed for them and I saved for them! How can you now ask this of me? How can you stretch my faith in this way?!" He ended that shouting at the sky. The roar of the traffic getting more and more imposing around him, vibrating around his head.

>><<

It was late into the night now, Sam stood in the dark looking down at the body in front of him - bury and burn. They didn't always do both, they should but sometimes they had to choose. Sometimes, it was a case of one is better than nothing. He couldn't decide and a part of him knew that it was reason he had come out here. Every intention of burying the body or his brother, the shifter, but the hunter inside him wanted to burn him. He had already buried Dean once. Sam stood leaning on the shovel staring at it with the gas can in his hand. It was always Dean that made Sam second guess himself, made him unsure of everything he knew. Sam quickly looked around him and then sighed, put down the can and picked up the shovel before crashing it into the earth below him. When in doubt - do both.

>><<

Dean had wanted to drive through the night but he was exhausted so he pulled into a motel and looked around, this would be awkward if he was caught. He went, got a room and opened it's door before returning to his car. He opened the car down and then stooped to catch Cas before he fell out onto the ground. Dean looked around, no one. He shifted Cas' legs around out of the car which made Cas' upper body fall back into the middle of the car. Dean leaned in to pull him forward and out of the car. He looked at his face, it was contorted a little into what Dean would guess was pain and still covered in dried blood, Dean shook his head knowing that he was in his perfect life. Dean scooped Cas up, one arm under his back and the other under his bended knees, nudged his door closed and walked to the motel door he'd left ajar. He kicked the door closed behind them and walked over to the bed to lay Cas down on it. He looked strange to Dean - shirt and dress trousers as well as shiny new shoes which wasn't far from what Castiel usually wore but he still looked strange. Dean couldn't quite put his finger on it.

The clothes; he found himself wondering where Cas' leather jacket was. He sat down on the bed beside him to pull Cas' jacket off, it seemed to have stopped most of the blood from going to his shirt or tie so Dean tossed Cas jacket to the side, he would have to wash it later, when they got to the base. Dean then walked to the bathroom and washed his hands before coming back with a wash cloth to wipe the blood from Cas' face and the front of his hair. He did the best he could and when he was done he came back and leaned over Cas, wishing that his usual tricks of soft talking and gentle touches would wake him up now. He leaned over Cas and stroked his head - that look of pain on Cas' face made Dean feel helpless. It was definitely pain and sweating.

>><<

"It's not fair." Cas was sobbing, kneeling on the dirty ground, his hands on his knees and looking between the sky and the dirt. "I can't be one without the other. I can't be Castiel without wanting to be with Dean and I can't be Cas without missing who I was made to be. How can I be an Angel without being human if I can't be human without being an Angel?" He turned to look at the traffic still roaring behind him. "I can't chose, I don't want to chose."

>><<

Dean looked to Cas as he sat on the bed across from him. The man had developed a fever and was sweating like hell. Dean watched him mumbling to himself, obviously distressed. He couldn't take it any more so he stood and went to the bed. "Cas?" He climbed on the bed beside Cas and, feeling completely helpless, he just hugged Cas to him. He kissed his forehead and closed his eyes. "Cas." He whispered. "Come back."

>><<

Castel thought for a second he heard Dean's voice and it did nothing but make everything worse. He felt this bubble of anger and despair in him.

>><<

"Cas, if you can hear me. Just do something, find a gun and put it to your head - please." Dean hugged Cas and rocked him a little. "Trust me."

>><<

Cas stood up and walked towards the road. He couldn't choose and he didn't want to. This wasn't how it was supposed to go, this wasn't how she said it would go. In that warehouse she had offered him his deepest dream - the one thing that his heart wanted. He hadn't even known what that was and he still didn't. But he was sure that it wasn't the immense pain he was feeling in his chest.

He kept walking until he got to the road. A sin. It's a sin his mind kept telling him but his soul was screaming and clawing at his being to get out and he closed his eyes.

"Trust me." It said.

"I do." He replied. And walked out in front of the truck. Tires screeched, a baby cried and Dean's voice echoed the plea. 'Trust me'.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas wakes up.

Cas opened his eyes and gasped for breath, "Dean?" being the first thing he said.

"Cas?" Dean held Cas' face in his hands and pulled it up to look at him. "It's only me, you're safe."

Cas started to pull away in shock, Dean tried to stop him, assuring him that he was safe and okay. They stopped when Cas toppled back to the bed and landed with both his hands at either side of Dean's shoulders, Cas' right knee pressed into the mattress in between Dean's legs and his left slowly scraping up the bed on the other side of Dean's right leg to balance himself. Dean's hands were tight on Cas' upper arms from trying to stop Cas panicking but also from his attempt to catch him.

The relief that Dean felt having Cas back and okay quickly dispersed to let something else come through. Cas was still slightly breathless from his shock and Dean had lost the ability to breath at all. When Cas' settled his left knee into the mattress and stopped moving the two men just stared at each other.

Cas wanted to pull away, remembering the way Dean had reacted the time he had been  _wrong_  but also remembering how he had reacted in Cas' world. Now that he was staring at Dean he knew that the past few hours had been just a poison-induced state but it did nothing to stave off the reality that as much as he wanted to turn back time and rejoin with his grace he wanted this man too. Just as much. He didn't really realize he was doing it but he slowly tilted his head forward, just as he had done in the world in his head, to see what Dean would do.

Dean responded, edging his head forward a little before he pulled away fully and scuttled from underneath Cas. He stood up and moved to beside the table. "I can't, em-" He turned to look at the table and then back as Cas lowered himself to sitting on the bed. He could feel the irritation growing, swelling and heating up inside him; he hadn't been wrong at all, Dean wanted him but he was denying himself. The pain in Cas' ribs and the back of his head, as well as the rope marks on his wrists and legs, totally eclipsed by his rage.

"You are so full of shit!" Cas looked right to Dean who shut up immediately.

"Excuse me?" His face was reacting, firstly to Cas cursing properly, assbutt being a strange concoction of his own, and secondly to it being aimed at him.

"You are, you preach about emotions, talking to you and not lying and you do it all the time. Right to my face!" Cas stood and could feel his jaw clench. Dean saw it in his eyes, the anger that had caused the bar fight, the anger that had stormed out. This wasn't going to end well.

"I'm not lying to you?" Dean lied.

"Stop it!" Cas pointed to Dean. "You said you would show me what it means to be human and yet all you've done is show me is a list of 'how to's." He walked to the middle of the room facing Dean. "How to shave, how to chose my own breakfast, how to pick up a random woman and how to shoot one down. It's emotions that separate us from the other animals, but do you know anything about them except hiding them?"

"Of course I do!" Dean stepped towards Cas. "I hide them because I  _have_  to, I can't go crying every time something bad happens or I'd never stop!"

"I say emotions and you think I mean crying?" Cas walked towards the kitchenette area of the room and laughed a little. It was then that Dean saw the dried blood on the back of his head, he must have been knocked out before he was tied up, of course he was - his Cas wouldn't go down without a fight.

"Don't laugh at me!" Dean followed him a few steps behind. "I do what I have to and in this game I haven't much experience with anything good."

Cas was hurt. "Nothing good?" Dean sighed. "If there is  _nothing good_  in your life, Dean, it's because you don't let the good in!"

"Let it in? So that some monster can come along and take it away? Even the ones I thought I could vaguely trust find my weaknesses easier than they should. Sam, Bobby, my parents, Lisa," Cas felt the darkness itch at him at the mention of her name and the memory of what Crowley did, "Ben... You."

Cas was taken back. "I am not one of your weaknesses, Dean." He shook his head.

"You are!"

"Stop lying!" Cas boomed and it echoed. His voice almost vengeful and his eyes, well Dean would have thought them black as night if he didn't know better. "You never let yourself laugh, do you realise how nice it is to see you laugh, Dean?" Dean took a few steps listening as Cas walked towards the counter and trailed his hands along it before stopping at the end near the bathroom. "When was the last time you just gave into your emotions because it was what you wanted?" Dean sighed. "When was the last time you fell asleep because you were comfortable and not because you needed to get back on the road soon? When was the last time you got angry for no reason?"

"I get angry all the time" Dean stated, his face no different.

"Are you angry right now?" Cas took a step towards him.

"I'm pretty pissed right now." Dean looked at Cas. Cas couldn't see it.

"Then show it." Dean pouted refusing to rise to the bait. "I said show it." Cas lunged forward and pushed Dean so that he took a few steps backwards. He stumbled a little and as a result he took a step to his left.

"Stop it." He took a step forward again. Cas had turned to face him, his back to the bathroom and pushed him again. "I said stop it!" Cas took a step to do it again but Dean pushed Cas back, Castiel fell against the patch of wall to the side of the bathroom and Dean slammed his hands flat at each side of Cas' head. Cas' breathing shallowed lower than should have been possible. Dean's jaw was tight, his mouth almost snarling as he forced the words out. "I. Said. Stop."

"Doesn't that feel good?" Cas snarled back, bring his face close to Dean's. He didn't answer, he was breathless he was angry and he was focused on Cas' words. "Are you angry?" Cas all but whispered it. A low growl came from Dean's throat. "Admit it."

When Dean didn't answer Cas made to push Dean off who just slammed him against the wall again and then slammed his right fist into the wall, marking it. "Yes, god dammit Cas. I'm angry!" He clasped his mouth closed but his nostrils flared so much he was forced to open it again. Cas could feel Dean's breath on him like a bull - hot, angry and damn did it hit him down low.

They stared at each other, Dean's eyes filling with anger and fear at the same time. Cas thought he saw something else and he almost laughed, devilishly. He definitely saw it and he definitely hadn't been wrong. Dean stared, unblinking, at him, there was no denying it, this felt damn good, just to let the emotion rip through him and take control. Cas' eyes danced like puppet masters but Dean didn't care, he wasn't just angry and he knew it.

Castiel lowered his voice an octave or two, right down to match the growl that had escaped Dean's throat earlier. He leaned forward. "And now?" He brought his lips as close to Dean's as he could without touching and noted that the man did nothing, but tighten his closed fists - he refused to give in: to be weak. He had to. "What emotion are you feeling now," Cas stepped forward, still in between Dean's arms and the wall to bring his body as close to Dean as his lips were, " _Dean?_ " He then let out a little chuckle, mocking and confident.

Dean pushed Cas back to the wall and started at him for a second, not at him but his lips. He couldn't help it, he tried but shit did it feel good to just let the anger control him. To be angry instead of swallowing it and moving on. He wanted to scream, he wanted to growl, he wanted to punch the wall.

And  _God_ , did he want him.

Dean simultaneously grabbed Castiel's neck with his right hand, not to constrict, and found Cas' lips with his own. They closed their eyes as they strained against each other, necks tensed, lips overflowing each other, tongues thrashing. Dean punched the wall with his left hand, Cas didn't even react, then removed it from the crumbling plaster board and, unclenching it he grasped Castiel's jaw. Cas brought his hands to rest on Dean's ribs and then his back - not sure which part of him they wanted to touch.

All of him, definitely all of him at once.

Cas wasn't giving up this time - Dean had kissed him, he had Cas pinned against the wall, he was the one grinding into Cas right now. Like an animal on heat.

Cas let out a moan and as his lips parted to let out the noise, which came straight from his gut, he tried to keep his lips on Dean but he couldn't. All he could do was slowly open his eyes as Dean made for his throat. He bit, he sucked, he nipped, his tongue leaving a trail of saliva as he turned his head to move, under Cas' lowered chin, to his left side of Cas' neck. Cas wondered if it was in fact saliva or blood.

There was no mistaking the feeling in Cas' trousers, the exact one he had had that first morning in the motel room. He had realized his oversight in the motel room with Lydia and the next morning. But this was different, this was exactly what Cas had wanted and more, more, more. That's when he felt Dean's erection catch on his belt as he ground in. More. He moved his hands down to Dean's hips and made sure he didn't stop, in fact to make sure he did it harder. Dean stopped with his lips against Cas' neck and growled. He actually _growled_ before he bit down on Cas' neck. Cas' mouth opened again at the sting of pain, it sent a jolt right through him and it wasn't because he didn't like it. Shit, he didn't know how much more of Dean kissing him he could take.

Cas moved his hands to Dean's ribs and pushed him right back off of him. Cas looked at Dean's surprised face, lips swollen with touches of saliva on them and chest heaving, looking at Cas who just smiled, deviously. "You making a meal outta me?"

Dean's lip twitched. "Did you just-?" Dean's brain only offered up one thing he could mean - AC/DC lyrics. Damn.

Cas walked towards the hunter who stayed where he was in the middle of the kitchenette area. "Yes, I did."

When they crashed back together, there was no way Cas was having himself pinned against that wall again. They stumbled, Dean's hands on Cas' back and Cas' hands in Dean's hair, until Cas had Dean up against the kitchen counter - the sound of breathing, moaning and saliva clicking following them. Cas tightened his fingers in Dean's hair, pulling Dean in, as if the kiss could never be deep enough - both of their noses pressed right into the other's skin. Dean grabbed Cas' bum and pulled him in from there just as hard, the both of them unable to kiss through it they pulled apart, breathing heavy, and opened their eyes. They found themselves laughing slightly.

"I thought this... was," Cas said, his heart racing and his breathing heavier than his body should be able to take, "wrong?"

Dean's brow tensed into what Cas could guess was guilt. "Cas-"

Cas cut in. "I wasn't... having a go," he looked to Dean's cheek and then mouth, scared to look in his eyes, "I just don't understand." Cas suddenly regretted having asked, he didn't want to stop kissing him or for his eyes to have changed like that. "Please, don't stop." He whispered it against Dean's lips and the hunter got lost in it, he just wanted whatever Dean was going to give him in that moment. Dean couldn't even bring himself to deny that request to tell Cas everything he was thinking and feeling.

They started kissing again and Cas fumbled for the bottom of Dean's t-shirt, everything calm for a moment as he lifted it over Dean's head. When it was gone Dean took it and bundled it up to throw, in which direction he did so he had no idea because Cas had found Dean's neck and chest with his lips, soft and like a feather. "It's not that," he exhaled, "that it was wrong."

Cas stopped and looked up. "Don't-"

Dean pulled his head up. "We can talk about this. We can stop and talk about this-"

Cas tried to shake his head. "No, I don't want to-" Both still breathless they tried to talk.

"-but either way I can't do this unless you... know, really know that what I said, that was... the only wrong thing. I didn't understand," he looked to the side and Cas feared he was losing him, "how I was feeling-"

Cas cut him off with a kiss, trying to get some of that animal passion back, Dean tried to talk but Cas wouldn't let him. He kissed him, he used his tongue to silence him and each time Dean was slowly getting more and more angry, the blood starting to race through him again. He had a need to make sure Cas knew, he had a need to be heard but damn if he didn't have a need for that hand on his crotch. He moaned "I need you to-"

Cas sighed, annoyed and aroused but desperate for Dean to be his again. That moan, that inability to form a sentence and do anything but close his eyes and hold onto Cas was the last straw for Castiel - he was getting the angry and pent up Dean back. "Oh for God's-" He kissed Dean and then, biting down on Dean's bottom lip, drew blood. Dean mumbled an sound of pain, Cas pulled back just enough for Dean to see his blood on Cas' lip. "Shut. Up." Cas rumbled and that was enough, he definitely had Dean's attention now. All of him.

They stumbled, Dean pushing Cas backwards towards the main part of the room, "I'll just have to show you." he muttered in Cas' ear as a last word on the matter. Before biting it. When they reached the end of the two single beds, the taste of blood still between their lips, Dean tossed Cas down onto his, the bed Dean had held Cas to him, in his poisoned state, not half an hour ago. Cas caught himself on his elbows, his knees bent and his shoes over the edge of the bed before he edged up it a little. Dean put his right knee down at the side of Cas, Cas' left hand moving to Dean's outer leg as Dean put his other knee on the bed and tilted from side to side after him up the bed so that he was raised above Cas.

He looked to Cas' hand on his thigh and Cas looked too. "What is it?"

Dean smirked as he looked back to Cas. "It's just funny to think that that's not the first time," he reached to unbutton Cas's shirt, "you're doing that."

Cas smiled not asking the question on his lips. Would it be the last? Dean's eyes moved to his as he waited for it but it never came.

There was a silent moment where both men knew what was waiting to be said or not said and both men couldn't say it or not say it. So instead, everything kicked into fast forward. Dean pushed the shirt from Cas' shoulders as he kissed Dean's chest and tattoo, he bent his arm back to help Dean take the shirt off, they rolled onto their sides kissing away the taste of iron and ignoring the fact that Dean almost rolled off the bed - his left leg tucked under Cas as the former angel reached for Dean's jeans and they both tried to push their own and each other's shoes off. They ignored the burn at the back of their heels as the other scraped their shoes and then bare feet down the back of the other's leg trying to make sure they didn't have to break apart.

Dean had no idea where this was going, or how far he would let it go but all he knew was that he wanted rid of their clothes and he didn't want to stop/ He exhaled heavily when Cas got his jeans undone and it wasn't until them did he realize how tight and limiting they were. He rolled back over Cas and fiddled with his dress trousers, rubbing Castiel's erection through the fabric.

Cas let out a breathy moan. "Do you do more than dance?" He laughed when Dean stopped to look at him.

"Is that right?" He smiled and Cas reached around to tug at the side of Dean's jeans. Dean edged backwards on the bed to pull Cas' pants off. "Did you learn my entire cassette collection?" Once Cas' trousers were off and discarded to the floor Dean fumbled off the bed to the side to lower his own pants to the floor as Cas stood. "'Cause it's kinda hot." Dean admitted. Cas kissed him and, this becoming his signature move, he wrapped his hands torso and flipped him around before throwing him back down, in just his boxers and socks like Cas.

Cas didn't answer and Dean lost all need for one when Cas dropped to his knees in front of Dean, level with him now, stroking the Winchester's thighs with his hands. He lifted his hands from them, Dean's breath suddenly unheard, and gestured upwards. "Lift." Dean waited for a beat and Cas did it again. He slowly put his hands back on the bed and leaned on his fists to lift his bum in the air, Cas tucked his fingers around the band of Dean's underwear at the sides and dug his nails in slightly as he dragged them done. Did he know just what he was doing to Dean right then, his complete inability to do anything but look at him and do as he was told?

Cas kept his eyes on the black boxers until they reached the floor, Dean didn't move but Cas lifted Dean's feet to get them from under him. He stuffed them to the side and Dean leaned forward as if to do the same to Cas. Cas stopped him and pushed him back to sitting before he shifted until he was in between Dean's legs again. Dean tried to find his words, but Cas was looking right at him the whole time, he kept clear eye contact as he lowered his head towards Dean's penis. He rubbed his lips together and waited a second. "Is this okay?"

Dean nodded, unable to speak, unable to insist that Cas didn't have to do that, unable to make sure he didn't feel pressured. He just trusted that Cas kept his promise. Cas simultaneously took hold of Dean's erection in his right hand and took the tip in his mouth, Dean swallowed loudly, his mouth suddenly opening, as if he hadn't swallowed ever before then his breathing was back to loud and unmistakable. "Fuck." Was all he managed as his right hand reached out and grabbed Cas' shoulder. Cas looked up at him, to make sure he wasn't hurt and Dean's eyes closed - quite unable to believe what was happening. One minute he wanted to jump Cas and the next Cas made it so he couldn't move an inch. Cas moved his left hand to stroke Dean's thigh to sooth him a second before it began.

He took more of Dean in his mouth as tortuously slow as he could, letting his tongue rub the underside of it as he did. When he came back up he flicked his tongue over the slit and Dean's breathing stuttered. Cas then lowered again, quick and sick of messing around, moving his head from side to side and his tongue swirling around Dean's pulsing cock. He wanted to hear Dean say his name. "Damn." His left hand fell back to grip the edge of the mattress. "I don't even want to," he exhaled heavily and laboured, "know how you know how to do this."

Cas laughed and the vibration around Dean meant he tightened his hand on the man's shoulder. A few minutes of echoed moaning, shaking breathing and lip biting that totally failed to muffle him Dean was at breaking point. The muscles in his legs coming to life and his toes beginning to curl under his feet Dean tried to speak. "No," Cas looked up at Dean, his eyes screwing up a little, he licked over the slit again, the taste becoming stronger, "I can't finish this quickly." Cas laughed again. "Ah, not helping!" Dean's eyes opened in response, looking down at Cas. They kept eye contact. Cas tightened his right hand around the base of Dean's cock. Dean took a deep breath in, it would help him stave off his orgasm but it wouldn't make it any less intense or right at the surface. "That's not fair." Cas went down as far as he could and the tip of Dean's cock hit the back of his head. "Cas, shit Cas..." Dean moaned, closing his eyes, he moaned Cas' name into the room and it's all Cas could hear. Dean was moaning his name over and over tightening his grasp on Cas' shoulder and all it did was drive Cas on. He put his left hand on Dean's cock too, just to hold it longer and began swallowed around it as he bobbed. Dean's left hand knuckles white on the edge of the bed. "I can't, Cas-" Dean choked on his breath, riding the name right the way through, as Cas loosened his hands, closing his eyes to concentrate, without warning, sucking harder and pushing his tongue around the skin rougher. Dean slightly rutted his hips as he threw his head back and burst into his orgasm. " _Cas, shit, **Cas**...!_ " When Cas let go Dean fell to lying down on the bed, still breathing heavy and his chest rising and falling at a dangerous rate.

Cas put his hands on Dean's knees to push himself up onto his feet, it was only then did he realize that his knees stung from the carpet. Dean opened his eyes and put his hand out for Cas who walked around the bottom of the bed. "Where you going?" Cas pointed to his full mouth and headed for the bathroom. "Ah."

Cas got into the bathroom, spat in the toilet and flushed it, he heard Dean panting and 'phew'ing to himself and he couldn't help but smile even as he looked in the mirror at his mouth. Missed a bit. He lowered his head, ran the tap and splashed it away.

Dean appeared, naked, his breath returning and leaning his left arm on the doorway. "What else did you learn?" He smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The AC/DC lyrics Cas quotes is from "You Shook Me All Night Long" and when he says "do you do more than dance?" That is from "Hot Blooded" by Foreigner.


	13. Chapter 13

At the side of a reservoir in Colorado, Sam Winchester was standing beside a grave he had dug in the darkness. He leaned on the shovel, striking one match out of a book and sighed, listening to the sounds of the wildlife out there and the odd passing car whose drivers had no idea that he was there.

He thought about the day that Dean showed him how to shave and he felt terrible. He had taken that experience away from Dean because he was pathetic and young. He remembered the day that Bobby had taught Dean how to shave, the amount that he had bled. At first he and Bobby had laughed about it because no matter how many times he had sliced his face he was so determined to finish the job. Sam stood in the hallway, looking at them in the bathroom mirror, Bobby laughing gently at Dean and the determination on Dean's face. He didn't realize it then but Sam was witnessing the entire foundations of Dean, the core ideal of the elder Winchester that would stay even to that day - no matter what happens, you stick it out to the end. Never give up.

Bobby had been about to help Dean clean himself up when they heard the engine as the Impala pulled up. Sam watched Dean's face light up, he ran into the corridor, seeing Sam and calling to him that their Dad was home. Bobby had smiled as he walked out of the bathroom and put his right hand on Sam's right shoulder to walk down the stairs with him. Right away John rounded on Dean asking what had attacked him, when Dean had explained that Uncle Bobby had taught him how to shave John then rounded on Bobby saying he wasn't Dean's father. He shifted Dean's face to the side then the other and back a few times before he muttered something about only stopping by to pick up some ammunition and lamb's blood. He had ruffled Sam's hair as he walked into the garage.

Sam remembered Dean's face when he turned to watch his father walk away. No longer proud of his achievement, the now tell-tale pout, which was a relatively new thing then, settled on his face. He scrunched up the flannel in his hand and Bobby gruffly told Dean to come back inside and he'd clean him up. Bobby was mad at John but not surprised. Now, Sam used the lit match to light the others still in the book.

Young Sam sat in the room he and Dean slept in when they were at Uncle Booby's watching their father put supplies in the trunk and look up to Sam before he jumped in his car and drove away. Sam turned as he heard Bobby talking quietly to Dean.

"It's okay to show pain, boy." Dean didn't answer. "It's going to hurt and it doesn't make you any less of a man for admitting it." Still nothing. "It's not just the cuts that hurt, huh? Words too." Sam looked back to the road as the car disappeared out of sight.

"He didn't say anything." Dean whispered through a tight jaw.

"Yeah, I know. But sometimes the things people don't say can hurt just as much."

Adult Sam tossed the lit book into the grave and watched the wrapped up body burn, waiting for it to burn away before he would shovel the dirt over it.

>><<

Dean had text Sam that they had stopped at a motel, telling him where, and that Cas had woken up. He and Cas had gone to bed after that. Dean was tired and Cas was overcome with a melancholy that dulled him. He knew what it, what they had shared, had meant to him and he knew what it had meant to Dean - it was just unfortunate that those were different things. Dean was laying on his left side, the right side of his face touching that of Cas' who lay more on his back than his right side but still turned towards Dean. The last thing Dean had done before falling asleep was kiss the bite mark he had left on Cas' neck. Their legs entangled and Dean's right hand resting on Cas' left upper arm Dean was out for the count. Dean had been laying practically chest to chest with Cas but Cas had been slowly edging him off through the night.

Cas hadn't slept at all but he had wanted to stay the night - he had wanted to have at least the night. Dean lay snoring lightly beside him and Cas thought he might never enjoy anything else as much ever again. He had been aware of the light slowly creeping in the window but it still happened much too quickly for his liking. When he finally slipped from under Dean, the soft orange glow sat dimly in the room. He sat up and sighed - Dean woke up with the movement but he didn't react, didn't even open his eyes, thinking Cas was just going to the bathroom. He wasn't.

As was said Cas knew in the pit of his stomach that the night had meant different things to the both of them, that part of his stomach was now filled with bile. He stood and dressed, quickly but silently, looking at the dawn. When he was completely clothed he turned and looked down at Dean, sleeping in the same position. He leaned down, kissed his forehead and touched his cheek. Dean opened his right eye when Cas got to the door and opened it.

"Cas?" Dean slurred and it stopped Castiel in his tracks. "Where you goin'?" Cas didn't answer but turned to look. "Can you bring back coffee?" Cas smiled wearily and Dean took that as a yes. But it wasn't one. "You really are an angel." Dean laughed once and turned away from the light coming in the door with a groan.

"Just call me angel of the morning." Cas whispered to himself thinking that Dean couldn't hear him and left. Dean was too sleepy to take it in but he heard it alright. He just didn't realize he did.

>><<

Dean was woken with a bang. Well, four bangs actually.

"Dean!" Dean raised his head off the bed and looked to the door. "Dean, come on!" It was Sam and he banged on the door again. "I'm getting looks out here." Dean first noticed how empty the bed was.

Dean dragged himself up then realizing that the room was just as empty and opened the door. "Sam?" Sam walked in but Dean walked out, in just his boxers he got looks too. He looked around at the complex. No, he couldn't see Cas.

"What are you doing?" Dean walked back in, closed the door and rubbed his face. "Where's Cas?" Sam walked to the bathroom and looked in before turning back to face Dean.

"I uh, I don't know." Dean thought about it. Yes, last night had definitely happened and he was glad. But where the hell was Cas? He looked to his watch. "He went for coffee, I think."

"Did he say what he saw when he was out of it?" Sam went to sit on Dean's bed and Dean smirked. Sam looked to it. "What?"

Dean shook his head but he couldn't shake his smirk. "Nothing."

"I don't even want to know." Sam sighed and walked to the chair to the right of the table. "So, did he?"

"No and I didn't ask." Dean didn't want to know. He did, of course he did, but he knew what he'd get as an answer. And it wasn't him. It was dawning on Dean what had happened - Cas had gone and not for coffee.

Sam didn't ask why, he knew why Dean hadn't asked Cas - Dean was a firm believer in stuff being other people's business unless it was of the monster kind. Or Sam's.

Sam tapped the table and sighed. "How long ago did he go for coffee?" Sam looked to his watch.

Dean sat on the bed that didn't look like it had been slept in, because it hadn't. "I don't think he's coming back." He lay back on the bed remembering more of when he had woken up and just how the dawn light had hit his eyes. "He left six hours ago."

>><<

Cas was in a diner in Colorado, he had took a midnight train going anywhere. Not really, he had hoped a dawn train going back to Fruita to get his car and his clothes. He didn't like the shirt or the pants and he certainly didn't want to steal another car but he wasn't even sure if his car would be there. And it wasn't. So, Cas sat across the street from the station in Fruita waiting. When he saw Alec Scudder, the officer Dean had told him had helped them out, he dumped money on the table, threw a thanks in the waitress's direction before pulling the door open and running to the man's car. He slammed into the back left side as he tried to stop it before it went anywhere. The noise seemed to echo in his head.

Alec leaned out of his window, cigarette in his mouth unlit, as Cas approached it. "Alec."

"Agent Morgan, you can't be here, man!" He looked back to the doors of the station taking his cigarette out of his mouth with his right hand.

"I know, I know. I left my car in the parking lot of the warehouse, what did you do with it?"

"I moved it to a back alley a few blocks from here, the situation was barely explainable as it was but the hot-wired car sitting there would have blew it." Cas sighed relieved. "I can't promise it's still there. What are you doing driving a hot-wired car anyway?" Cas opened his mouth, with no words to say but Alec put his hand up. "No, don't want to know. Get in and I'll drop you off."

>><<

"Why did he leave if not for coffee?"

"I don't know." But Dean did know. He knew all too well - everyone leaves. When it looked like Sam was going to press the matter Dean switched focus. "Why are you here, Sam?"

Sam sighed. "I was thinking." He paused waiting for one of Dean's usual quips when he was pissed off, like 'well, don't hurt yourself'. But nothing came. Dean just sat rubbing his face. Deflated. Uh-oh. "I uh, I have to admit something to you."

Dean looked up. "Okay."

"Uh, I...  _need_... you." Dean froze mid-way through standing. "I do. I started thinking about when we were kids," Sam was talking with his hands and eyebrows, as he does, but Dean just watched... blinking, "and when you taught me to shave. I learned how before you taught me." Dean finally reached for his jeans and put them on.

"What?" Dean spoke, more focused on who was missing, and started to do up his pants.

"I saw how Dad reacted when Bobby taught you," Dean pouted a little and tightened his jaw, "and I saw how much that hurt you - that he didn't tell you he was proud of you. Bobby said to me that you'd get better at it and then, when the time came, you'd teach me. And I just kept thinking that I couldn't deal with you not being proud of me. I couldn't handle it if you just left me to clean up myself alone. So, I watched you."

"You watched me?" Dean thought back to shaving in the mirror as Sam stood brushing his teeth. "In the mornings?" Sam nodded. "I don't understand?"

"I watched what you did and when it came round to it I already knew how to shave. I didn't realize that by trying to make you proud of me I was taking that experience away from you and making you feel unneeded. And it occurred to me that while I'm trying to get space and keep us together I might be doing the exact opposite."

Dean thought for a second. About what Cas had said to him about lying and hiding things. He sat back up. "So... You need me?" He looked to Sam who nodded. "That's all well and good Sam but I need you to need me and you won't do that if you want to rip my throat out so, while I get what you are saying and everything, I need you to go off on one and disappear for a few days every once and a while."

"You do?" Sam felt like he had stepped into another dimension. And what was that smell? It was like sweat.

"Yeah, as much as I hate it at the time and it damn scares me when I don't know what's going on or if you're safe you are not a kid." Sam raised his eyebrows. "You have to understand you will  _always_  be my kid brother but older brothers are supposed to be overbearing and controlling and kid brothers are supposed to be whiny, nosey smart-asses." Sam scoffed. "You know what I mean. I'm supposed to do your head in and you're supposed to annoy the hell out of me."

Sam looked out of the window. "So, we good?"

"Course... Bitch." Dean lay back on the bed staring at the ceiling.

"Jerk." Sam looked down at his hands.

And then it was silent again.

Dean went for a shower and Sam went to get some food. And make a phone call but he didn't tell Dean that.

>><<

Alec dropped Cas off a few blocks from the station, which was actually a few more than a few. Cas mused that perhaps police officers think distances are smaller than they are because they drive everywhere. His car was still there and his clothes were still inside. Cas sighed relieved and grabbed them before ducking into a pub. He was leaving the restroom and pulling on his leather jacket when his phone rang. He bundled his other clothes in one hand while he took the phone out to answer.

"Yes?" Cas used his back to open the door to the pub and crossed the street to his car.

_"Cas, it's Sam."_

Cas silently cursed himself for having answered and then, throwing his clothes into the passenger seat of his car, wondered why it hadn't been Dean. "Hello Sam."

Did he know? Had Dean told him or had he figured it out? Or was he blissfully unaware?

_"Where are you?"_

"Um, just... you know," Cas opened his door and threw himself in the seat, "around." He scrunched up his nose at how stupid he sounded.

_"Okay, now I **do**  want to know what's going on. You keep disappearing and each time Dean looks like you've took away his favorite toy."_

"What?" What did that even mean? "Has someone stolen his car? It wasn't me." He shut his car door.

 _"No Cas, sad, he looks sad."_ Cas exhaled a little, just as Sam does when he realizes something.  _"So, please come back man. I don't like him like this. He goes about as normal but I can just tell."_

"How can you tell?" Cas hoped that Sam might have got it wrong, maybe he was just tired or maybe he had really wanted that coffee.

_"He just isn't the same, I haven't been back with him long and even I can tell. Did something happen? Did you two fight?"_

Cas paused. That was really two different questions that needed two different answers. "We didn't fight."

 _"But something happened?"_ Cas didn't speak.  _"Listen, we're heading back to the bunker, the last time you disappeared you ended up on the bad end of a djinn and shifter."_ Sam huffed, clearly still feeling guilty about that.

"You're there now-"

 _"Cas, just... just think about it."_ And he hung up.

Cas looked down at his phone and jiggled it in his hand. What could he do? His head was pounding and Cas felt like Hell - he didn't know why but this feeling had been creeping up on him for days. A feeling of being clogged and heavy physically and his nose wouldn't stop leaking. He grabbed his FBI shirt and wiped his nose with it before tossing it back on the seat and pulling out of the street.

>><<

Sam and Dean got in the Impala just after noon and began to drive.

Sam looked at his watch. "So, we can be back at the bunker at five?"

Dean didn't look away. "I need to eat."

Sam looked at him for a second before turning away ready to let it all go before he turned back. "You know, it took a lot for me to admit that I needed you," Dean glanced over and tightened his hand on the wheel, "the least you could do is tell me what the hell is going on with you and Cas?"

Dean inhaled. "Nothing is going on."

Sam tutted an exhale and turned away as they pulled into a diner, literally 30 seconds from the motel. "Yeah, right." Dean turned the engine off, shot Sam a look and got out. Sam followed him. "I know something is going on, Cas keeps disappearing and you look like someone kicked a puppy."

Dean walked to a booth and sat down, Sam did the same looking at him waiting for an answer while stuffing his bag onto the seat next to him. "Sam, just stop, okay?"

"But Dean-"

"Do you know what," he leaned in to whisper, "you weren't there, you were off getting your space. You're the one that doesn't want us to be in every single crack of the other's lives, you get your secrets and space so give me mine and shut your cake hole." He gave Sam a glare.

Sam gave up, he wasn't going to get anything out of him then, if ever. He sat back and looked to his menu. "Just trying to be there for you."

"Well, don't." Dean pouted tellingly at his menu.

"Fine, I won't say anything." Sam took his laptop out of his bag and opened it.

"Good." Dean looked to the specials board and mouthed them to himself.

"Just call me Teller." Sam muttered, more to himself.

Dean froze as that morning flashed into his head. He had woken up to Cas leaving, going for coffee Dean assumed and Cas didn't correct him.

 _Just call me angel of the morning._  

Dean scrunched up his brow. Strange thing to say. He searched his brain and even after they ordered he couldn't think of a single song from his collection that had that line.

Dean was too busy to see the eyebrow he got when he ordered pancakes.

He looked to Sam moodily looking through God knows what on his computer. He looked up when he sensed Dean staring at him. "What?"

Should he tell him or would he figure out what had happened from it? No, don't tell him.

"Can I use your, uh, computer?" Dean tried to act casual.

Sam knew something was going on but he turned the laptop around enough so that he could see. Dean was having none of that and Sam sat back with a loud sigh when Dean turned it all the way around.

Dean sat with his fingers hovering over the keyboard. What would he even search? He wouldn't get anything, he supposed it was just something that Cas said that didn't quite gel with what he had meant. Like assbutt. Dean finally typed 'call me angel of the morning' into the search bar and then screwed up his face. What the hell?

"You know maybe I could help." Dean looked up at Sam. "Maybe." He threw his hands open and shrugged.

Dean considered it. Fine, he won't know what happened. "Cas said something when he left, I don't understand it. But I was half asleep." Sam sat forward listening. "He said 'just call me angel of the morning'." He turned the computer around. "Apparently it's a song or something." He shrugged trying to make it seem less important than it was.

Sam looked to the screen reading and then remembering. "Amelia liked this song, yeah, it's about a woman who was in love with a guy and wanted to be with him but she knew he didn't feel the same so she settled for a one night stand." Sam's face contorted into confusion. "Why would Cas say that?" He looked up from the screen.

Dean could have pistol-whipped his own face. Shit. He watched Sam's face suddenly understand. Dean closed his eyes when he realized what everything meant. Now, it wasn't that Sam knew what had happened that made Dean want to kick own ass. No. It was that he had let Cas walk out that morning, it was that he had let him do what he had done, it was that he had kept kissing him, it was that he hadn't stopped them and talked about it. It was that he was a giant dick. "Dammit." He whispered.

"Dean, did you and-"

"I'll be right back." Dean shuffled out of the booth and headed for the door. Sam, thinking that Dean was taking off, threw his laptop in his open bag, hastily handed the woman money for the food explaining that they had to run and followed Dean outside. "Dammit." Dean walked to the driver side door, opened it and then slammed it closed again. "This is your fault." He pointed to the sky and Sam just watched him a little worried before smiling reassuringly at the people watching them.

"Dean, stop. Look, we can fix this."

Dean stopped and looked to his brother then walked back to his door. "I am not talking about this with you." He pointed to the other side over the roof. "Get in."

Sam opened his mouth to speak but Dean's door slammed and he sighed. He looked to the side. Kind of puts that whole 'profound bond' in perspective. He let the bag fall off his shoulder before opening his side and jumping in. Dean pulled away almost instantly and Sam just sat unsure of what to do or say.

>><<

Cas was driving when he passed it. He looked back, glancing to the road a few times before he decided to go for it. He pulled into a nearby side street and got out. He still had more than a sufficient amount of money left over from the bar fight and he went through the list of bands in his head, trying to choose his favorites as he walked into the second hand music store. He walked up to the desk.

"Can I help you, sir?"

Cas looked around briefly then back to the man. "Yes, my car has a CD player." The guy nodded. "And I'm looking for a few to listen to while I drive home." He smiled a little to himself. Home.

"We can certainly help you with that." The guy walked around the desk to meet Cas. "Do you know what kind of artists you like?"

"Let's start with AC/DC." The guy nodded and walked away to the other end of the store so Cas followed him.

>><<

Dean had actually stopped at a diner half an hour after leaving the other one. Sam didn't say anything, they just ate in silence and set off again and now they were an hour or two into driving. It was quiet in the Impala. Very quiet. Too quiet. Sam shuffled a few times in his seat as the engine roared along the I-70 west, nothing but the sound of the car and the wind. Sam opened his mouth to talk and then decided not to. Then he did it again.

Just as he was about to actually voice it this time Dean leaned and switched the music on. When Foreigner blasted out he sighed and wanted to scream. When would he catch a break? But it was Sam who stretched out his left arm out and turned it off, Dean looked to him angry but secretly relieved.

"Just one question." Sam swallowed and looked down. He steeled himself and turned to Dean. "What the hell?"

"Sam-" Dean warned. Not his brother, not this. No way in Hell.

"Dean for God's sake! Just talk to me, talk to me about this!"

"What do you want me to say Sam? Do you want me to list all the dirty details?"

"No!" Sam squirmed and looked away.

"You sure, Sam? You want me to talk to you, want to know what's been going on? Well, this is it, kid. Cas and me, we-"

The words stuck in his throat. Just how was he going to end that sentence? We argued? We kissed? Actually, he sucked-

"I don't mean talk to me about  _that_ , I didn't want to hear it when you were sleeping with every random girl in sight and I don't want to hear about it when it's someone I actually know." He tried to find more words but had to take a break there to stop his brain conjuring up images. "I just mean, that song isn't about someone who kind of likes someone, that's about being in love."

"Oh yeah, right." Dean scoffed.

"It is!" Sam pulled his laptop from his bag at his feet and opened it up. The screen went from black back to the webpage - he had no internet connection but it still showed what was already loaded. He looked ahead at an exit. "Pull off."

"What? I'm not pulling-"

"Pull off here Dean, it'll take two minutes." Sam raised his eyebrows with a serious face and Dean sighed. There was no arguing with him when he was like that. Dean pulled off into a gas 'n' sip and sat back as Sam connected to the place's free internet spot. "Listen to the words."

"Oh, come on." Dean reached to turn the engine back on.

"Dean." Sam put his hand out to grab Dean's. "Just humor me. It obvious meant enough to Cas for it to be his parting words."

Dean sat back, rubbing his face and giving in.

>><<

 _Just call me angel of the morning, angel. Just touch my cheek before you leave me, oh, baby. Just call me angel of the morning, angel. Then slowly turn away_  
_I won't beg you to stay with me..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song used is "Angel of the Morning" by The Pretenders (and lots more). 
> 
> Sam is referring to the double act Penn & Teller when he says "just call me Teller", Teller's gimmick is that he never talks.


	14. Chapter 14

Dean and Sam pulled up to the base in relative silence except for the cassette player blasting "Highway to Hell".

Sam looked over the car roof as they closed their doors. "Hey, what do you think the shifter and djinn were doing together?"

"Baking cakes." Dean walked around the car. "You know, in between kidnapping and killing people." He shot Sam a look.

Sam huffed. "I mean, why together? We've not seen behavior like that before."

They got inside the base and locked it behind them with a resounding thud. "I don't know, Sammy. Why don't we have a look inside but I didn't really quiz them too much."

"Yeah, I know." They dumped their stuff on the table. "So, what exactly happened in there? Before I saved the day."

Dean looked over his shoulder at Sam with a quirked eyebrow. "Don't even give me that, acting like you're Batman when you wouldn't have needed to  _help_  me if you hadn't phoned Cas in the first place."

"I said I was sorry, Dean!" He followed Dean to the shelves and they started looking through the collection. "I wouldn't have had to phone him if you two would have just spoke to each other like adults after you slept together," Dean paused and looked over, "instead of running away."

"Nothing happened before Fruita." Dean looked to the side knowing that that wasn't true. "Well..." Sam looked over. "Alright fine, he kissed me and I freaked out okay? That's why he left the diner in the first place." Sam sighed and shook his head. "And don't start Sam, you don't think this is hard for me?" Dean took out a book and pointed it at Sam. "I had a normal life with Lisa and Ben for a year when you were in the cage and look what happened to them! Now? Now they know me as the asshole who hit their car. Nothing more. So, just don't!" He stormed away to the table.

Sam turned. "Wait, so this has nothing to do with Cas being a guy, this is because Cas is...  _Cas_?"

Dean sighed. "Yes." He threw his book down. "Although the guy thing came as a bit of a shock too." Sam laughed and Dean relaxed a little. It felt good to say things, to just say what was in his head, to confide in his brother instead of bottling it up. Dammit Cas.

Sam grabbed a couple books and sat opposite Dean, pulling his laptop out of his bag and sliding it further down the table out of the way.

Dean looked up then back down, speaking in a low voice to his book. "And we didn't sleep together."

Sam looked to the side. "I don't wanna know, not even a little bit."

Dean smirked then thought about it. "Are you going to enlighten me then, Mr Banner?" Sam looked up, not going to point out that Dean mixed them up. "How you knew she was a djinn before you even walked into the warehouse?"

Sam exhaled resting his arms on the table. "I had a look at the original footage of the stuff HALO captured on the woman that kept showing up with the cars."

"Yeah, they showed me the pictures too?" Dean leaned on his closed book waiting.

"They didn't have any more copies of the pictures, I was in too much of a panic to wait so they just showed me the original footage, that's when I saw the glare in the eyes." Dean realized. "They figured it was just bad lighting, spent twenty minutes trying to get a picture without the glare and those are the ones they showed you and Cas."

Dean narrowed his eyes at how Sam was trying to hide how proud of himself he was. "Smart-ass."

Sam laughed. "I guess that's why I'm your boss."

"Yeah, that and the hair." Sam looked up. "Makes you look like ten years older." Dean tried not to laugh as he opened his book and Sam tried to pretend he knew Dean was joking.

>><<

"I don't care, Sam!" Dean walked around the car. "We are not getting a smoothie-maker!" They had spent the past couple of hours trying to find anything in their library about different monsters working together but, with the exception of the odd travelling show that targets people just like those clowns they dealt with had, they had failed.

"Fine. _You_ don't need to get one. _I_ will." Sam argued back less than amused at being told what to do at his age.

"There is no way..." Dean trailed off when they heard music in the distance. What was that?

They looked down the road outside the bunker, a car was driving towards them and they both recognized it. It was the '69 Camero that had been in the parking lot of the warehouse. It wasn't Sam's car after all, oh well. The lyrics of "Rock Me" filled the air for a few seconds, Dean looked to Sam who smiled at the car then looked to Dean before it fell. Dean was going to have to take Sam's phone privileges away.

The music cut off and the door opened, the sun making it hard to see in the windshield, Dean realized he was holding his breath. Was it? Of course it was. Cas reached over and picked up the tray before he climbed out of the car, he didn't look in their direction until he closed the car door. He turned and caught Sam's eye first. Playing it cool. Cool with sunglasses on. Definitely.

Cas walked towards the pair, on the driver's side of the Impala as Sam walked around towards the back where Cas stopped beside him. "Hey Cas." Sam said then looked at the floor. He knew. And he noticed the big bite on Cas' neck.

Cas took his sunglasses off. Casually. "Hello Sam." His voice was slightly choked, as if he was getting a cold.

"What are you doing here?" Dean asked then glared at Sam. "As if I don't already know."

Cas finally looked at Dean then just smiled. "If you already know then why are you asking?" Sam tried but he couldn't keep his laugh in. Cas and Dean looked to him and he feigned coughing.

Dean gestured to the tray with three cups on it. "And what's that?"

Cas took a cup out, handed it to Sam then walked towards Dean. "Coffee." He held out the tray and Dean hesitated. "I did say I was going to get some."

He looked to Sam who took a drink of his and headed back to his side of the car. He shifted to look back to Cas, when Sam's door closed Cas' smile changed from overly-confident to apologetic. "Don't do that again." Dean spoke low. Cas shook his head, Dean paused then took his cup. "We need to talk," Cas nodded as he held the cardboard in his left hand at his side, "later. Get in." He turned and got in the driver's side.

Cas smirked to himself and got in the back seat, shuffling to be in between the front seats.

Dean turned the engine on. "Nice car by the way." Sam looked between them. "Was that Steppenwolf playing?" He looked in the mirror and Cas nodded and looked to the cup in his hand. "Nice."

Sam scoffed. "The gift of life is thine." He muttered under his breath.

"What?" Dean looked.

"Nothing." Sam smiled unconvincingly and Dean turned the car around, passing Cas'. "We're just going to pick up some things." Sam aimed at the back seat.

"Which doesn't include a smoothie maker." Dean warned and Sam sighed before he started up again. "But Dean, nothing!"

>><<

Dean had drove to the same supermarket that the pair had bought Cas' now favorite leather jacket from and Sam had walked ahead after a look from Dean. He was going to get the smoothie maker no matter what.

"So..." Dean then exhaled and Cas looked. "Got your clothes back then." Dean internally winced, what the hell was he doing? He was nervous and he sounded like a child.

"Yeah..." Cas then exhaled and Dean looked. "Got your brother back then." Cas internally winced, what the hell was he doing? He was nervous and he sounded like a child.

"Yeah..." Dean said as they walked in and he grabbed a basket. "You coming back to the base?" Dean rushed the words out and he hadn't meant to.

"Well, my car is there." Cas said it and then wanted to punch himself. It took a lot for Dean to ask him that and Cas had been a smart-ass. "I mean, I have to come back but I don't have to stay," Dean nodded, that was true, "unless..." Cas stopped and Dean looked to him. They stood in the middle of the aisle - processed meats and pastries on one side and microwave meals on the other.

"Unless?"

Sam came back down the aisle, too excited and ready to argue with his smoothie-maker.

"Unless you want me to?" Cas said it and then looked behind him at the meat.

Sam stopped a few steps away realizing he may have just walked into an awkward moment. Dean and Cas looked and Sam just stood trying to find something to say.

"Just get the damn smoothie-maker." Dean stepped back and ushered him to walk through them. Sam didn't need told twice, he walked quickly down the aisle looking back just once at the pair. "And milk!" Dean added, annoyed at how big-brotherly he sounded, without looking away from Cas, and Sam kept walking and nodding. "Are you going to take off again?" Dean's face was suddenly very serious. "Because if you are then it's better if you don't stay." Cas was surprised and couldn't talk for a second. "You wanted me to say things as they are. Well, that's how it is. If you're going to walk away, do it now."

Cas leaned over and took the basket from Dean's hands. "Come on, before Sam gets a mini-fridge." He walked down the aisle, stopping a second to grab a pack of sausage rolls and then he threw them in the basket.

Dean looked, smiled, and then walked after him. "I wouldn't mind a mini-fridge, actually."

>><<

The three managed to more than fill a basket, all of them holding onto things to save getting another one. The pair followed Sam into a check-out without looking, still acting a little weird with each other but they were laughing at something stupid, a little giddy I suppose.

"Back again?"

Dean and Cas looked up to Jennifer and Sam turned from her to them as he settled his smoothie-maker down at the top end of the belt.

Dean spoke as he finished laughing. "Hey, how are ya?" Dean looked back to Cas as they shared the smirk at the end of a really funny joke.

Cas and he started putting things on the belt and she didn't answer, recognizing it as more of a greeting than a question.

"Dean," Sam sighed, "we forgot toilet paper." He started walking and Cas put his hands out.

"I'll get it." Sam muttered a thanks and Cas took a couple of steps backwards. "Anything else?"

Dean looked through everything on the belt quickly, pointing as he went through the mental list he would never admit to having. "No." He realized. "Oh, wait," Cas stopped and listened, "could you grab a pack of spaghetti?" Cas nodded and Dean spoke, mid-turn. "Thanks, babe." He stopped, looking at the belt and widened his eyes. Cas caught it and kept walking, not turning around because he didn't want him to see his damn goofy smile. Sam looked to Dean with raised eyebrows. "Is he gone?" Sam nodded and Dean relaxed a little. He looked to Sam as he walked towards him. "Shut up."

"I didn't say anything." Sam put his hands up, letting Dean push passed him.

"Yeah? Keep it that way." Dean smiled to Jennifer politely and helped her pack.

"Sure thing..." Sam walked behind Dean and leaned in to speak in his ear. "Babe."

Dean sighed. "What happened to you being Teller?" He raised his eyebrows and Sam held his hands up again before zipping his mouth. "Yeah, good. Make yourself useful, kid." Dean pointed to the bags as Sam stopped on his right side.

Jennifer was trying not to laugh but her and Sam exchanged a smile at Dean's embarrassment. She didn't really understand why, he had called him 'hon' and 'angel' before. But of course, that was different.

Dean had widened his eyes for two reasons.

One - because they hadn't had a chance to talk yet, not properly; all they knew was that there was something there and everything was about to change even more than it already had.

And two -  because it had rolled so easily off of his tongue. He automatically shortened 'Castiel' to 'Cas' because it was easier and drew less attention to them in the 21st century. He had used 'hon' in front of Jennifer the first time to imply they were together and then had to use 'angel' to hint to Cas what he was trying to do considering he had accidentally called him it in the motel bathroom.

This? This was different. Babe. 'Babe' implied relationship, 'babe' implied possibly something sexual had occurred between them, 'babe' implied being comfortable, 'babe' implied more than friends at least when guys said it. 'Babe' implied a great many things that Dean and Cas had yet to talk about, consider or even feel. 'Babe' implied a future.

When Cas returned he put the toilet paper and spaghetti down on the belt and leaned, on the side next to Dean, fussing with his own hair. They all got out their wallets and found the money between them. "You're paying for that  _thing_." Dean pointed to the smoothie-maker and scrunched up his face.

Sam sighed and dug further into his wallet. "In a few days when you start using it I want half back."

"Well, keep wanting." Dean muttered and Sam mocked him. Cas and Jennifer started laughing and the brother's turned to look between them. "I'm going to give you a free pass, Jennifer. But _you_  are in trouble later." He pointed to Cas with his free right hand and Sam wolf-whistled. "Oh, grow up!" He handed Jennifer money and then fussed with Sam's hair as he pushed passed. "You're carrying it too, brother."

Sam pushed Dean away, looked to Cas who was trying not to laugh. Sam gave Jennifer the rest of the money and picked up the smoothie machine before glancing to Cas. "Shut up."

Cas waited, mouth pursed together in a little smile and then laughed as he picked up the remaining bags and followed Sam and Dean out of the center.

>><<

The ride back was a little less awkward but Cas was brooding a little. He sat behind Dean's chair with the bags beside him and Sam's smoothie-maker close enough to put his right arm on. He thought about the baby girl in the back of the car that would crash into the tree. The tree that came from the fur of a long extinct animal.

"Are you okay, Castiel?" Sam looked to him as his face clearly showed his deep contemplation.

"Do you know what 'sombre de la muerte' means?" Sam knew but he felt that Cas had more to say and Dean focused on the road. "Many years ago, before civilization had really taken off these lands were dominated, not by mankind, but by animals." Cas looked out the window as they slowly moved through the night. "All manner of beautiful creatures, the likes of which your kind will never see again, they stalked and surrounded these lands governed only by the laws of nature set down by my Father." This got Dean's attention. "There was a creature, you wouldn't know it and your kind won't know more about it for a few thousand years at least, the locals called it a name," he hesitated, "in a language long dead now, but it would evolve as the language of that region did, today it would be known as 'sombre de la muertre' when stories of its deeds reached, what would later be known as, Mexico."

Sam and Dean shared a look.

"It translates to 'shadow of death' and it is the only way the people knew it. It never left any evidence of its existence, it's appearance was similar to that of a puma but it had it was saber-toothed and communicated only through low level growls," Cas smirked to the side neither brother could see in the darkness thinking of the night he and Dean had and how he had thought it their last, "on such a frequency that it could be heard by very few animals. As for the others, they would detect something, the way an animal does, but could never see anything. It was such that when the others did detect it, they almost instantly shook it, most not even reacting to it and dismissing it to the sound of the wind through the trees. It attacked in such a way that it severed the animal's vocal chords instantly, wrapping its mouth around the neck and piercing them with their long teeth. Because of that the other animals in the pack of family never even knew it had struck until the morning or when they looked for the missing member."

Sam and Dean shared another look.

"Are you okay, Cas?" Dean looked in his mirror but Cas didn't even turn.

"It stalked the nights and it was never seen during the day - not by other animals. It moved through the forests like a shadow and killed with such ease, it could have picked off herds at a time without so much as a bruise to its own skin but it didn't. They moved in families of at least four - a child, its parents and a member of one of the parents' families, usually a sibling. The siblings would leave the other partner and the child at home and go out in the night in search of food, however they only ever killed enough for the next day so that the next day they could hide."

"Why did they need to hide?" Sam turned in his seat to face Cas.

"Because their distinctive look made them deadly in the darkness but weaker than any other animal during the day. Everything about them was designed for the long nights of winter where food was sparse, that meant their vision, fur and movement. During the days they had to hide or they were more than vulnerable to attacks from animals with advantages in the light. Especially in the long days of summer."

There was a few seconds before they pulled into the dirt road. "Why two of them?" Dean muttered and Cas looked around. "If they hunted so well and so little, why did they need the two siblings?"

Cas smiled. "They didn't  _need_  two, they enjoyed hunting together." The car stopped outside the base. "Surely you understand that."

Sam and Dean shared a more awkward look before Cas started to hand some of the bags forward. Dean took them from Sam. "No way, you wanted it so you're carrying it." Sam sighed and Cas got out of the car with the bags left in the back seat, Sam followed quickly and opened the back seat on his side.

"You developed a phobia of doing the heavy lifting?" Cas joked and started to walk around the car.

Sam dragged the smoothie-maker out of the car. "Wasn't the case when Cas needed carried though, was it?" He smiled and Cas turned questioningly. "Wouldn't let me help." Sam nudged the car door closed with a smirk.

"Really?" Cas laughed and looked to Dean.

Dean thought about saying something and then gave up and kept walking. Cas and Sam shared a smile before following him. "I did let you help. You got to take care of me." He smiled.

"Oh yeah because I just love wrapping up shifters who look like my brother," they ran down the stairs and into the main library area, "then sitting by the side of the road for hours before burning and burying you." Sam scrunched up his eyebrows. "It."

"Burn  _and_  bury?" Dean question as he and Cas dumped the bags on the table in the kitchen. "It was only a shifter, man. Shouldn't have wasted your time."

Sam put the box on the side of the bunker and brushed his hair back. "Yeah, so. It's what we always do, regardless."

"You need to cut that. Some demon will grab you from behind one day and I'll say I told you so." Cas laughed a little as he walked back into the main area. "I dunno why you're laughing, look at yours." Dean pointed as he followed Cas. Sam turned to watched them laughing and felt left out. Not jealous of the attention Cas was getting at all. Nope.

"Stop!" Cas was laughing as Dean tried to grab his hair from different sides. Cas eventually grabbed his arms and Dean tried to move them anyway resulting in Cas swaying from side to side. "Dean, sto-" When Dean brought his right hand up again the back of Cas' left hand hit his own face and he stopped talking.

Dean used his left hand to cup Cas' face, both still laughing. "Oh, you alright?"

Dean was trying to stifle his laughter but he couldn't and Cas tried to be mad that Dean was laughing at him having just hit himself in the face. "Don't you laugh at me."

They both remembered singing in the car and their argument. Dean stopped and Cas dropped his hands. "Sorry." Dean mumbled before running his right hand through Cas' hair briefly. "Could do with a cut though."

Sam stood watching his brother and his friend smiling more than he had seen them smile in all the time he had known them and then he felt like a child. He felt like that little boy who had watched his brother shave and then be hurt by his father. He felt like the kid who had pined after their father so much that he never even realized how much Dean was his dad. And here was his brother, the hunter, finally getting the chance to not only be needed but be wanted. And Sam felt awful and wonderful at the same time.

"I don't know how you're not ill." Dean was talking to Cas but he sighed and looked to the side. "You going to hover there gawking all day, kid?" Sam suddenly stood up properly and the pair turned to look at him. "Does this bother you?"

Sam shook his head. "Just seemed like a private moment." He shrugged.

"Then why were you watching you little perv?" Dean said but he smiled at Sam. "Anyway, listen to this." Sam nodded up a little as Dean walked passed him to the bags on the counter. Cas followed a little and they all started putting things away. "There's a knock on the room door," he was telling Sam but he kept addressing Cas at various parts, "that night you turned up," Cas nodded, "and I open it to him but he's soaked through." Sam looked to Cas. "Absolutely sodden." Dean and Sam were busying around each other putting things in various places as they came out of the bags whereas Cas picked up a bunch of things that went in the fridge at once and, as a result, was just standing with the fridge door open being handed things from the Winchester's as they came to hand. "And then a few nights later, we go to a bar, we score-" Cas shifted uncomfortably and Dean stopped putting BBQ sauce in the cabinet while looking at him. "Sorry." Cas put his right hand up to say it didn't matter. "Anyway, he sits outside in the pouring rain and look at him, not even a sniffle."

"Sniffle?" Sam laughed handing a pack of meat to Cas. "I can't believe you still call it that."

"You're just mad because you were ill all the damn time." Sam sighed and Dean turned to Cas. "He was! Every couple of months he caught something."

"Well, I'm surprised yours haven't fallen off yet." Dean stopped, his face surprised and Sam's a little worried he had said something to upset the new dynamic but Cas started laughing. "What?"

"No, nothing." Cas tried not to laugh but Dean and Sam wanted to know. "I was just thinking of the time that he-witch gave you the clap."

Dean burst out laughing and started walking away handing the others beer. "Oh, yeah!" He pointed to Sam. "Dirty boy!"

Sam and Cas started to follow him, all three bickering. Sam saying that that time didn't count and he couldn't believe Cas would bring that up. Dean loving that Cas reminded them and that Sam shouldn't cast the first stone. Cas correcting Dean's quote and apologizing to Sam.

There was an air of domesticity in the bunker in Lebanon, Kansas. Outside on the road two cars sat side by side as the air kicked up the dirt right down to the main road where the traffic was dead for the night.


	15. Chapter 15

Dean and Sam were sitting across from each other in the main room of the bunker. Sam was sitting, looking down at a book detailing the various theories on the connections between the predicted 2012 Myan apocalypse and Lucifer's cage. He had his right elbow resting on the surface beside the book, the palm of that hand resting on the side of his face helping keep it up and his fingers holding his hair out of his eye line as he looked down at the page. Dean was leant back in his chair, feet up and to his right, the left foot crossed over the right staring intently at a magazine.

Dean was holding it open in both hands, the look on his face a mixture of confusion and annoyance. The magazine, which he had found stuffed behind some books on exorcising animals, was what he had originally described as 'porn' from the fifties. Now though, he wasn't so sure it would fit into that category. He turned the magazine in his hands from side to side, just like you would do to a games console controller thinking that is going to help you when it won't, and it didn't help Dean either.

Sam's eyes slowly looked up when the excessive movement distracted him. "What are you doing?"

"I don't see how this is porn." Sam cocked an eyebrow when Dean turned the magazine upside down. "Maybe it's like one of those visual tricks and I just have to stare at it for a long time." He squinted a little then widened his eyes.

"I think it's just the fifties, Dean." Sam smiled.

Dean sighed and let his arms fall to his lap and looked around the room.

Sam looked up properly, tucked his hair behind his ear and leaned into Dean lowering his voice. "Dean," Dean looked back to Sam, "what are you  _doing_?"

Dean paused for a second trying to figure out what Sam meant. "What?"

Sam gestured to the little hall that led to the kitchen where Cas was. "What about Cas?"

Dean blinked as he realized that Sam was talking about the porn - which made Dean a dumbass because Sam was referring to the fact that he and Cas were avoiding having 'the talk'.

Dean raised his voice. "Cas?"

Cas was in the kitchen finishing washing up. He was mesmerized by cleaning - strange thing to be mesmerized by since most people spend their lives avoiding it or finding ways to make it easier. But Cas was, he watched the food come off the final plate and thought about how it relaxed him - it was a reminder that no matter how hard things got they could be fixed, wiped, cleaned. It made him think back to the day he turned up at the motel to see Dean, his friend, and how he had promised to help Cas. That shower had been Castiel's way of restarting; in that ten minutes of scrubbing and washing he had rinsed away the memories of failing and being distressed by it all and opened the door to a fresh start. And he had no idea just what kind.

Cas reached for the dish cloth when he heard Dean shout on him. He carried it with him as he walked through the little pathway and came to the main room. Sam looked up at Cas and Dean twisted around in his chair, to his left, to see the man better. "Yes?"

"You don't care if I read, watch or listen to porn, do you?"

Cas froze mid rub. His smile fell and he shuffled his feet a little before taking off for the bedrooms and muttering a reply. "None of my business."

Dean slowly lowered his feet to the ground as he watched Cas walk behind Sam, who turned in his seat, and leave without making eye contact at all.

Sam looked back to Dean as he put the magazine on the table. "Good luck."

Dean stood. "Yeah, thanks." He walked slowly and quietly along the row of rooms until he came to a door that was closed over, it was on the right side of Dean's own bedroom, with Sam's a couple of doors along on the left side. He stopped at the door and heard nothing. He slowly reached his right hand up to it and pushed it gently open, craning his neck to the left to see. "Cas?"

When the door opened Cas was lying the wrong way on the bed with his boots tucked under its wire frame. Dean smiled at the contrast - the boots lined up under the bed but his heels digging into his pillow and messing it up. "Yeah?" Cas' voice was low in volume and Dean didn't think he had heard Cas speak informally except when he was upset. Or drunk. Same thing really, when it came to Cas.

Dean took a couple of steps into the room and shut the door. "I didn't mean to upset you. I didn't know that you didn't like porn."

Cas turned his head to the left, without twisting the rest of him, looked to Dean and then back to his hands. It was then that Dean noticed him pulling at one of the corners of the dish cloth. Agitated, he thought. "It wasn't the porn, I don't care about anyone looking at porn."

"Then," Dean walked over to the end of the bed and leaned on the bar with his two hands, wrists turned towards Cas, "what's wrong?" Cas' eyes moved to his and for a second Dean almost smiled. They were still beautiful even upside down. "Is it because I asked you in front of Sam?"

Cas sat up and turned to look at Dean, resting his left hand on the bed to support himself, his legs coming round slightly with him but the top parts of them still parallel with the bottom of the bed while he kept them bent behind him. "It wasn't that you asked me in front of Sam, it was  _what_  you asked me." Dean's brow tensed a little. He didn't even see it. "You didn't ask me if I minded porn, you asked me if I minded  _you_  looking at porn. We haven't even spoken about  _this_ ," Cas gestured his right hand, still holding the dish cloth, between them, "yet and what, Sam is having a go at you already?"

Dean walked around the right side of the bed, still holding onto the bar at the bottom with his left hand. "It's not that I don't want to talk about it, Cas." He sighed, let go of the bar, and sat on the edge of the bed. He brought his left leg up, bent, so that his body was aimed more at Cas who unconsciously pulled his legs a little more around his body, only slightly. "It's that," he rubbed the top part of his leg while he paused thinking about what to say and in what order, "it's that Sam is here and I don't know how to act around him anymore. I don't know how to act with  _you_ around him anymore. But that's because I don't know what this is, I suppose." He rubbed his neck and looked to the side. "I'm not saying things how I mean them."

Cas' eyebrows dipped a little. He knew how hard this was for Dean and he was worried this wasn't going to go how either of them wanted it to. "Is it that uncomfortable?"

"No, no!" Dean put his left hand out to rest on top of Cas' own as it held him up on the mattress but neither of them looked away. "That's not what I mean. See?" He sighed and then swallowed. "Okay, here it is?" He looked up at Cas who nodded quickly for Dean to continue. "When you left," Cas looked down guiltily, "listen," Cas looked up but then his eye contact flickered a few times waiting for Dean to continue, "when you left that morning and I thought you were just going for coffee I couldn't wait for you to come back. " He started talking to Cas' hand which he was nervously drawing patterns with his fingertips on the back of. "And not because I wanted coffee or because I wanted a repeat performance of the night before," he looked up, "not that I wouldn't! Geez." He tilted his head a little, looking away from Cas, eyes widening and blowing out an audible breath. "I don't know if I could have taken another one." Cas smiled, but not because of the compliment, Dean was rambling and avoiding eye contact. He was nervous which meant this meant something to him -  _Cas_  meant something to him. "And not that I wouldn't have wanted the coffee that you brought me, I would have. But I," he sighed as if what he was going to say only just came to him and it was a hell of a surprise but true as anything, "hell Cas, I just wanted you there." He tickled his finger along the outside of Cas' hand and to his wrist. "I don't know why or what for, even if we just sat and drank the coffee, not saying anything, and that sounds creepy but it's the damn truth and do you know how scary that is?" Cas looked from the patterns Dean was tickling to Dean's face, still looking at his work. "I'm lying there, half asleep, all I can think about is 'when is he going to get his butt back in this bed' and you don't come back?" Cas felt guilty looking at Dean, he went from nervous to vulnerable. His middle finger circled the outside of Cas' wrist and up the inside of his arm a little. "I get woken by Sam banging at the door, the guy's got no idea what he's stumbled into and all I can think about is 'what did I do wrong?'"

That's when Cas had to butt in. He pulled his legs further around and brought his right hand to Dean's face and cupped it. "You didn't do anything wrong." Dean's head fell with a small nod. "Listen," he pulled Dean's face up to look at him, "I mean it. You didn't do anything wrong. What  _we_  didn't do was talk." He could feel Dean's finger trace horizontally behind to the other side of Cas' arm and then he stroked slowly up and down a little patch of the arm near the wrist with his whole hand. Cas was surprised at how soft his touch was considering how rough his hands were. "And that was my fault." Dean began to protest. "No it was, you wanted to and I stopped you."

Cas' hand fell to Dean's left knee and thigh, he just lay the palm of his hand along the top of the leg, which was laying sideways on the bed, and stroked the inside thigh with his thumb. "Why  _did_ you stop me?" He looked up, his hand slowly coming up to where Cas' AC/DC top's sleeve stopped, just above the elbow and tucking his index finger underneath.

"I was convinced I knew what you were going to say, that this was as far as it goes and that you..." Cas looked to where his thumb was on Dean's leg, "um, that you wouldn't want me for more than that. I could handle it being the case but I couldn't handle the words coming out of your mouth."

"But you didn't even give me a chance to say anything else?" Dean was tickling Cas' arm.

The both of them were so nervous and trying to focus on the other person in some way, to show just how much it meant to them, but each of them was so distracted by the other's touch that they couldn't stop trying to focus and just talk properly. Catch 22, really.

"I know" Cas looked down to the bed and then back to his hand on Dean's leg. "I'm sorry."

Dean let his hand trail up to Cas' neck and cupped it for a second, looking at Cas' chin which was the closest he could get to his eyes at that moment. "Me too." He used his right hand to take a hold of Cas' chin and turn it to his right. He wanted to look at the bite on Cas' neck properly. "I'm not sorry about that though." He let his chin go and Cas turned his head back smiling. "You did start it." He gestured to his lip before bring his hand to trail over the bite gently. You wouldn't notice the slight bump with a little purple around it unless you were looking for it.

Cas raised his left hand, his legs being enough to support him now, and used his thumb to part Dean's lips, pulling the left down to reveal the cut on the inside. Blood congealed and irritation abating it might have passed for Dean having biting his own lip to anyone else. "I'm not sorry about that either."

Dean looked at the bite on Cas' neck but Cas was staring at the slight swelled on Dean's lip. Cas still holding Dean's lips apart and Dean still feeling the slightly raw skin on Cas' neck. The memory of that night seemed to flood straight from both of their fingertips to the pit of their stomachs.

They could both feel it pulling them in and they seemed to panic, unable to stop themselves slowly leaning to each other, staring only at each other's lips, trying to talk as they did so - each lowering their voices as they got closer.

"I want more, I want  _you_  for more." Dean played with the collar of Cas' t-shit just under the bite.

"I don't want you to change." Dean's lip had broken free from Cas' thumb when he had spoken and now Cas' thumb was just resting just under it, stroking from right to left.

They stopped, so close to each other and Dean looked up into Cas' eyes who looked to his a second later. There was a pause as Dean tried to find the words. He knew what the words he needed to say were but they seemed to be stuck in his throat.

"Tell me." Cas whispered. "Please."

Dean inhaled silently then breathed the words. "I'm scared."

Cas smiled. "You're not the only one."

Dean smiled too and that was it. The conversation was put on pause, the two slowly closed the gap and kissed. Closed mouth. They were starting from the beginning and it didn't feel like messing about, it felt like a good place to build foundations on. Just the one kiss before they broke apart. Now it was Dean's turn to smile before he licked his bottom lip.

That got Cas' attention. He looked to the bite and then touched his nose to Dean's. "Are you doing that on purpose?"

"What?" Dean moved his left hand down Cas' arm and stroked the part above his wrist trying to hide a smile.

"Don't play games with me." Cas kissed Dean once and lightly bit Dean exactly where he had before.

A laugh escaped Dean's lips before Cas had even let it go and he lunged forward pushing Cas backwards by the shoulders, his legs unfolding from underneath him, to lying down at the head of the bed. Dean's hands lay on the bed at either side of Cas' head, his legs in between the former angel's too while Cas' hands came up to Dean's ribs. Dean kissed the bite on Cas' neck then turned his head in further to kiss up to Cas' jaw line before coming to Cas' lips. "Never." The promise came out in a whisper again, Cas able to feel the weight of it in the air but the gentle touch on his lips then he closed the gap between them. They started kissing again and Dean found himself completely lost in it, the idea that just kissing could make him feel so content would have made him laugh just a few days ago but this wasn't funny. He lowered himself to leaning on his elbows, his forearms resting on the bed and his hands brushing though Cas' hair. Cas' hands moved from Dean's ribs in response to the new position, between Dean's open shirt and his t-shirt, and stroked gently down Dean's side, up again and down. Dean laughed just an exhale in response each time. Dean mumbled, "Tickles," in a kiss and it made Cas smile.

Cas then tucked his fingers under Dean's shirt, as he stroked up Dean's lower body the man inhaled in time with the gesture. Cas broke away, just an inch, "Does that tickle too?" Dean's mouth was open for a second and he looked down to Cas' lips, without meaning to. He just shook his head very slightly. "Does this?" Cas thrusted slowly into Dean, he caught him off guard and Dean couldn't help but little out a little moan.

"Cas don't." Dean shook his head and Cas worried he had done something wrong, he froze to search Dean's face his own showing confusion. "I don't mean 'don't', I mean I just want to make sure we're on the same page." Cas could feel Dean lifting his hips away from Cas and he knew what he was trying to hide. "I want to make sure we're clear."

"Clear on what?" Dean sighed. "Dean, I can't read your mind anymore so why don't you just  _say_  it, exactly what you want - say it."

Dean hesitated. "You, Cas." His hands were stroking in Cas' hair without moving his arms and he looked up to them. "I want you. I want us."

"You want a relationship?" Cas almost never asked but it was all he could guess that Dean was trying to say. Dean hesitated again and then nodded, just twice. Cas kissed him. "So do I." Dean smiled and kissed Cas before he ground into Cas on the bed and Cas moaned. Dean had caught him off guard that time. "Now Dean, thou shalt not tempt your aroused partner." They both smiled at the word 'partner'. Dean raised himself back to leaning on one elbow and reached his left hand down in between them to stroke Cas through his jeans which had Cas panting almost immediately.

"Why not?" Dean smiled deviously and kissed Cas again, tongues coming out to play now that the foundations were set in. "I like the sound of that." He kissed Cas' cheek before moving to his neck and putting his hand back on the bed while Cas rutted up to Dean who ground back, beginning to breathe differently himself. "Aroused." He added, trying to take away from the mushy conversation and make it more something Dean was a natural at - sex.

Wherever he and Cas were heading it was nothing like he had had before, oh sure, he'd had relationships but none like this one was sure to be. And it wasn't anything to do with it being a same-sex relationship at all. It was all of the things that those two had been through, not just together but with other people too. Cas had dragged Dean out of Hell, saving him, after thirty years of torture, from an eternity of delivering the same fate. Dean had vowed to get Cas out of Purgatory no matter what and he had came through, even if the Angel had had other plans. They had saved each other a hundred times over, killed, saved, sacrificed and martyred for each other in one way or another. Cas knew that everything he did for Sam, no matter how he cared for the younger Winchester, was always for Dean - at least in the beginning. Hell, earth and Purgatory. You could say they had been to Hell and back. Sort of. All of that as friends, and they were both worried and excited to know what could possible follow that now that they were more than that. And Dean deals with fear in one of two ways - he loads up his gun or he takes off his pants.

Well in this case, he didn't get a chance to take off his pants. Cas had reached to undo them, pulling roughly at the denim, and Dean had tugged at his t-shirt. Cas leaned forward into Dean while Dean rested on his knees to help him, they pulled the shirt over Cas' head which ruffled his hair to a ridiculously sexy style. The fabric coming into contact with Cas' nose meant that, when it was pulled away, he noticed, properly for the first time that day, how good Dean smelled. He was all natural musk, sweat and arousal - it filled Cas' nostrils and the back of his throat when Dean raised his right hand to Cas' jaw and they started kissing again as Cas pulled the shirt off of his right arm and threw it lazily to the floor. He used his own hands to push Dean's shirt from his shoulders, Dean moved his right arm back to help him pull it down but replaced his left to Cas' jaw line before he switched. Cas didn't give him any time to relax as he pulled Dean's t-shirt over his head and let the two find their own ways off the bed. Dean kissed Cas again, pushing him back onto the bed, using his left hand to hold himself up over Cas he reached down to unbutton Cas' jeans with his right while Cas finished undoing his. The touch of their chests together would have been slightly unpleasant given that they stuck together with the beginning presence of sweat if they cared about anything other than who they were stuck to. Hearts thumping, the both of them breathed heavily at the relief they felt from the release of their penises from their confines and the heat sticking them together into each other's mouths.

The intensity of the feeling of rutting against each other now that it was only the thin layers of their boxers that separated them made both of them moan.

"Damn, Cas." Dean said when they gave up trying to keep their lips together. Dean put his right hand on Cas' left leg, stroking, grabbing and trying not to dig his hands in until he drew blood. Cas reached forward and pulled Dean out of his boxers. Dean reacted by looking down at what he was doing, moaning slightly, and trying to keep up the rhythm of rocking against Cas. Cas used his left to free his own erection from the fabric of his underwear and used both of his hands to hold them together while they both got quicker and rougher in their movements. The heat lower down moistening the fabric as their balls still rubbed together through it, Dean couldn't make his mind up between needing his eyes closed and wanting them open. But all he could hear was Cas saying his name and labored breathing as he arched towards Dean.

The feeling of skin on skin, heat on heat, hot breath on hot breath, sweat on sweat, want on want and need on need threatened to overwhelm them both. The lust in their voices as they whisper-moaned the other's name, along with a few profanities, increasing as they heard their own on the other's lips. The feeling of Cas' palms around each of them as well as the feeling of both cocks sliding with each other, neither had even noticed their precum leaking and lubricating the act, was what was driving them both crazy - the different textures, the pulsing of the blood through their own member and the beat of the one pressed next to it. Dean could feel it all growling inside him, getting more and more aggressive. Cas could feel it all fluttering louder and quicker. Both of them felt it move from their stomachs downwards and glow. They looked up at each other every now and again, fumbling for a breathless and sloppy kiss before just looking into each other's eyes, Dean's eyes looked a khaki brown in color looking at Cas while Cas' seemed nearly electric blue. Their pupils dilated fully it was hard to see the ring of color around the outside but each had definitely changed. The metal bed squeaked all around them but neither of them noticed it.

"Dean I-" Cas pressed his head back into the mattress to put more force into his hip movement, to which Dean responded by leaning forward.

"Mmhm." Dean mumbled as he kissed Cas again and they sped up reaching the edge together. "Do it."

Breathing heavier than should have been healthy, hearts pounding, foreheads stuck together and denim rubbing on denim around them - Cas was the first to find his end. He twisted his wrists as he said Dean's name, long, slow and ruff. The two things pounding Dean right after him. He breathed through his orgasm and watched Cas reduce to a whisper as he finished and just when Dean thought he was near the end Cas tightened his grip with a couple more strokes and Dean let out a jittery moan before it stopped.

Dean let his head hang getting his breath back, looking down, not at anything in particular since his eyes were closed. Cas could feel the warm feeling of their semen on his stomach and just thanked whoever that it wasn't his t-shirt. He liked that t-shirt. He let go of them both, wiping his left thumb on his side. He was already covered, he may as well.

Dean looked up and blew a long breath out, and they both smiled as their breathing and heart rates returned to normal.

"You're going to be the death of me, Cas." Cas smiled, wearily. He didn't like even a joke about that - it wasn't funny. It wasn't funny because he very nearly had been a few times. He reached his right, and clean(ish) hand out to brush through Dean's hair. Dean hummed and moved forward to kiss Cas but Cas put his left hand out to stop him and Dean looked down to where Cas did. "Oh yeah." Dean sheepishly tucked himself back into his boxers, as did Cas, and hopped of the bed. "I'll go and get something, don't move."

"I don't think I will." Cas muttered, looking down at his stomach suddenly concerned about his naval. That is disgusting.

Dean walked into the hallway, looking at his denim pants as he tried to button them up and bumped right into Sam. Sam was about to have a go when he noticed Dean's open pants and the sweat all over his bare chest. Dean opened his mouth to say something but couldn't think what to say so he just closed it again and they looked at each other in silence for a moment. Eventually Sam just walked away and Dean did the same, scratching the back of his head bashfully with his left hand. He went to the closest bathroom and grabbed a flannel, ran it under the faucet then walked along the corridor. He laughed to himself as he opened the door.

Cas tensed for a second, hoping that it was indeed Dean. He saw the flannel and decided it would do just now. "Why are you laughing?" He took the flannel from Dean and started to clean while his face showed his displeasure.

"Just bumped into Sam." Cas looked at Dean, who was gesturing to the way he was dressed (or not), shocked and they both laughed.

>><<

Cas picked up his t-shirt, walked along to the bathroom and had a wash before drying off and shoving his t-shirt back on. He got back to the room to find it empty, Dean was gone. He felt and looked confused so he walked out of the room and looked in to Dean's. Dean was lying on his bed in just his tank top and boxers. His right arm across the bed so that his hand hung over the side and his left hand over his eyes, palm upwards. When he felt someone looking at him he moved his hand out of the way and raised his head. Then he smiled.

Cas just stood there, still confused. Dean's other clothes were in a pile on top of his boots in the corner.

"Well?" Dean looked up. "The night would go a lot smoother if you'd turn out the light and get your ass over here."

Cas' face relaxed from confusion to surprise. "You want me to sleep in here?"

Dean's smile faded and he realized he'd just assumed. "Well, I mean obviously you don't have to-"

"No." Dean stopped talking and looked up. "I want to." They smiled again. Cas heard a noise to his left and looked along the corridor to see Sam turning into his room and stopping when he saw Cas, bare chest and open jeans, socks and a smile. "Goodnight, Sam." Sam smiled and Cas walked into the room.

"Night!" Dean shouted, leaning off the bed a little, as Cas shut the door.

They then started laughing again. Cas walked over to the pile of clothes in the corner and let his pants pool on the floor beside Dean's, leaving his t-shirt on. "Will we both fit on there?" Cas nodded to the queen-sized memory-foam number Dean was lying on, looking at Cas.

"Mmm. Need to squash up." Dean bit his lip and then laughed. It might have seemed like he was teasing Cas but actually he was laughing at himself in surprise. All of the flirting and the teasing came so natural, the way he acted with Cas - even in this short time - may have embarrassed him but that was because of the shift in their relationship. It was embarrassment in the simple sense - it was nerves from putting himself out there in a way he never had before, not even with Lisa. No, Dean had never had a relationship like him and Cas before - when they were just friends  _or_  now, when they were more. And it was the most unforced thing he had ever experienced.

Cas walked over to the light and turned it out. "You better be toying with me Dean, you'll end up finishing me off if you think anything else is going to happen tonight." Dean chuckled as the bed dipped in the darkness and Cas crawled up it. "All that porn has given you unrealistic expectations of men and stamina."

Dean laughed again as Cas settled against his chest wrapping his right arm around Dean's torso. Dean pulled the cover over them, wrapped his own left arm around Cas' upper arm and stroking his back. Their legs tangled together and settled quickly - almost routinely - under the covers and Dean turned his head to the right, leaning his cheek against Cas' forehead. The smell of Cas' hair filled his nostrils and he found himself inhaling, though he never much noticed himself doing it.

Cas stroked Dean's side over the top trying not to tickle him but not to press too hard either. The sweat having dried into the both of them didn't stop the distinct smell Cas got when he kissed the bit of Dean's bare chest above his t-shirt twice and resettled his head back against Dean's cheek. Dean could feel Cas' left forearm lying against his side, Cas' hand tucked around himself to keep it out of the way.

Dean's left hand came up, his arm under Cas, to stroke the back of Cas' hair. Cas hummed, his eyes closing as it helped him begin to drift off to sleep. It was a calming gesture, Dean smiled at his noise but then his smiled faded quickly and he stared off into space thinking about everything. Worry filling his face and brow. What now?


	16. Chapter 16

When Cas woke up he was alone. The room was dark but he couldn't feel any bodily warmth around him so he knew. He also knew that since they were in an underground base the darkness was not relative to the time so he pulled the covers back and sat up. He rubbed his face and blinked a few times before heading for the doorway but actually just turning the light on. He turned back and found his pants on the floor, put them on then exited the room and walked down the corridor towards the main room. He stopped when he heard his name in the distance, it was Sam's voice but it wasn't calling for him, it was about him.

"-Cas, I mean is this how it's going to be now? Am I third-wheeling?"

"I don't know why you're getting all bent out of shape." Dean's voice was lower than Sam's but around the same area.

Cas leaned against the wall listening and feeling bad for it.

"Well, because, Dean! What if something goes wrong? You know, the things we hunt use the people we love against us."

"I don't  _love_  him."

Cas smiled, he could almost see the look on Dean's face, like when Cas had chosen strawberry. He wasn't offended by that statement, it was true and it wasn't a shock to Cas. They may have been friends, family even, but he had taken what Sam had said in terms of the new dynamic they had. His head was already in the game, how could Cas not smile?

"I don't mean like that, Dean, of course you don't love him like that yet-"

"Yet? Jeez Sammy, it's only been a few days!"

"Oh for God's-" Sam sighed. "I mean, look how they used the two of you against each other when you were just friends. And now, if word gets around that you two are going at it-"

"We're not."

"-I'm just saying that you need to be prepared. A lot of people out in the world have to deal with their families not liking their partner, or society telling them who they can and cannot be with but you two will have to deal with all of that and all manner of supernatural bastards looking to toy with you."

There was a short silence. "Families?"

"What?"

"You said I'd have to deal with families not liking it. Do you have a problem with me and Cas?"

"No, I told you I don't, at all. I just don't want to be a spare part, I mean what if you had to choose Dean? What if you were put in that position?"

"I told you before, nothing goes before you."

"That's not what I'm trying to say." Sam sighed. Cas knew that he wasn't trying to make sure that Dean would chose him, he just wanted to know that Dean still had his back.

"Nothing."

Cas backed up quietly, towards Dean's room, and waited a few seconds before walking noisily back along the corridor, humming, so that he could be heard. "You get nothin' for nothin', tell me who can you trust," he turned into the main room, "we got what you want and you got the lust." He smiled to Sam who was leaning against a chair looking down at Dean who was across from him with his nose in a book. Sam smiled and Dean looked up as Cas kept walking into the kitchen without looking at him. "If you want the blood, we got it..."

Dean got up from his seat to follow Cas out of the room. "Hey, have a good sleep?" Dean walked slowly into the room looking at Cas as he reached up to get the cereal box, he put it on the table and nodded without saying a word. "You alright?" Dean walked over still watching as Cas grabbed a bowl and when he turned to put it on the table he hummed that he was. Dean caught him as he turned around by putting his left hand on Cas' right shoulder. Cas stopped, raised his eyebrows at Dean and nodded upwards in a 'what?' gesture before pursing his lips together. "What's going on, you're acting all funny?" He leaned in to kiss Cas.

He never got that far. Cas moved out of his space and hold walking around him. "I said I was fine, you don't have to get touchy, I'm just getting breakfast."

Dean turned his head to the left, his left hand still in the air for a second before he let it drop to his side, watching Cas go to the refrigerator to open it. "Okay..." Dean didn't know what to say.

"What?" Cas shrugged. He got the milk and then moved to the drawer. "Go back to whatever you were doing, I'm fine."

Dean sighed. "Fine." He turned around and walked back into the main room. Cas exhaled and poured his cereal, he heard Sam ask Dean what was wrong and Dean brush him off with a deep "nothing" that always meant something. Cas put the cereal down and wiped his forehead. Now what?

>><<

Cas finished his cereal, then walked through the main room to one of the bathrooms without saying anything to the brothers and Dean didn't look up as he crossed the room.

Now, you might be thinking that this change between them makes no sense and you'd be right. It wasn't logical, they were fine the night before, so what changed? Well, they both did what they always do; Dean over thought it and panicked while Castiel assumed he knew the answer and acted without talking about it.

Cas stripped last night's clothes and stepped into the shower. He let the water run over his skin, the warmth running into parts of him he didn't even realize he could feel - his hair, nose, lips, side of his chin, nape of his neck, his chest, his naval, his hips, the crease between his testicles and his thighs, bending at his knee and continuing around the back of his calves and tickling his heels as well as the crown of his head, the back of his neck, the curve of his back, the crease of and his ass cheeks, inner thighs, down the inside leg and ankles before trailing his arches.

It was a few seconds before his brain registered that the bathroom door opened. He used his hand to wipe away some steam and saw Dean looking at him. Confused and a little miffed.

He opened the door a crack so he could be heard but he turned back around to face the spray. "I'm afraid I will still be a few minutes."

There was rustling and when Cas turned to look Dean was getting undressed. Dean pulled his top off last and raised his head to look at Cas again. "That's alright, we can talk in there."

He opened the door further and stepped inside, closing it behind him. He took a few steps forward and Cas, completely silent and shocked staring back at the eyes boring into his, took them back until the cold tiled wall prevented him from going further. Dean took the last couple of steps and kissed Cas, bringing his hands up to Cas' sides. Cas didn't know what was going on but Dean had walked under the spray of the shower and was soaking. Naked and soaking. And kissing him. So, whatever it was he wasn't about to protest. His hands found their way up Dean's arms to his neck and then down in between them so that they rested on Dean's chest.

Dean pulled back to look at Cas. "What's going on?"

Cas paused, recovering. "I don't know what you-"

Dean kissed him again, it was then that their cocks slid together, easily with the help of the water, but still with enough friction to make Cas gasp out of the kiss and Dean pulled away. "Try again."

Cas looked at Dean and shrugged, not sure what Dean wanted him to say.

All that did was annoy Dean. He kissed Cas yet again, using his tongue as if it was punctuation to a point he hadn't articulated yet. When he pulled back Cas followed him a little. "You tell me I'm full of shit for not telling you how I feel and then I get this from you. You said you wanted a relationship, not just a casual thing, but hell, if that's what you'd rather-" Dean reached in between them and grabbed Cas' erection. Cas looked at him, no feeling in his eyes, just sex. And not in a good way. "-then that's what you'll get."

Immediately it made Cas' stomach twinge - he didn't want that at all. Cas squirmed and pushed him off. "No, okay, no." Dean let him go but still hugged him. "I heard you and Sam, I don't want to get in the middle or put you in danger." Dean sighed. "I don't want a casual thing. I don't, Dean." The water ran behind them, hitting the floor and the little pool of water in the bottom of the dip around the drain.

"I am terrified." Dean mumbled and Cas shut up. "I told you I was scared but last night, with you in my arms, I realized I am completely, one-hundred percent out of my depth. I don't know what we're doing, Cas. I don't have all of the answers, I will screw up and I'll fumble about and fall over but..." He slowly kissed Cas who kissed him back gently, listening. "But I want to try. I want to go through all of that." Cas nodded. "I'm just learning here, so you're gonna have to bear with me?"

"If you'll bear with  _me_?" Dean nodded and they smiled.

Dean looked down, Cas copying unsure of what he was looking at, then they both made eye contact with each other again. "I think we're as bare as we're going to get." They both laughed and Cas kissed Dean again wrapping his arms around Dean's neck, running his fingers through Dean's wet hair.

Dean brought his hands to Cas' hips as he let his mouth trail down to the right side of Cas' neck. He could feel the warm skin and warm water under his lips and tongue while Cas' nails scraped through his hair. He felt their erections slide together, and just when did those happen, even though neither of them were doing anything to spur them on. They weren't charged, just kissing but Dean wasn't about to let it stay that way. He broke away from Cas' skin and looked at him. Cas looked back and then leaned to kiss Dean's lips again but Dean used his hands on Cas' hips to push him lightly against the wall. Cas bumped against the now warm tiles and just looked on, feeling all of the drips fall down his body but far more focused on Dean who took a little step backwards before he slowly, not looking away from Cas, dropped to his left knee, then tucked the right one under him too. He ran his hands down Cas' thighs and Cas realized he wasn't really breathing.

He suddenly knew what Dean was about to do, to try, and he wasn't sure if he could handle it. When he had tried it it was different, yes he had never tried it before but the leap they had made was wider for Dean than for him. Well, maybe not wider but they had made different kinds of leaps, Cas was getting used to being human while he was dealing with his feelings for Dean, his friend and savior. Because he had saved Cas in so many ways so many times. But Dean, Dean was your typical straight ladies man with his rocker car, metal music collection and goofy habits. As well as his masculine tendencies. And here he was, trying to open up to his partner, he had a partner now, and brother - Cas pushed any thoughts of Sam away right then - dealing with his fears and insecurities and now he was kneeling in front of Cas. Cas couldn't figure out if he was sending him some deep message or if he just wanted to suck Cas off. Maybe both.

Dean slowly reached his right hand up and wrapped it around Cas' cock. Cas' breathing suddenly caught up to the game as if his eyes hadn't told his brain yet. Dean looked down, hesitating.

"You don't have to." Cas whispered.

Dean looked back up and a small smile spread. It wasn't a cocky one, it was one that told Cas he knew. He knew and he wasn't being pushed around either. He pursed his lips together, wetting the top one with his tongue and opening them to wet the bottom. Every part of Cas was losing any moisture that had been slowly working its way down his body but the heat in the shower was undeniable and it wasn't just from the running water. Everything was happening so slowly that it almost killed Cas but Dean was worried, he was out of his comfort zone and he wasn't about to jump in head first... Well, maybe he was.

Dean's eyes fell back to Cas' cock and he moved closer, opening his mouth and finally closing it around Cas, Cas inhaled and padded his feet apart a little to hold himself up. Dean took just the tip in his mouth and sucked a little, tasting water, then looked back up to Cas as he started to breathe a little deeper. The look on his face, somewhere between concentration and the inability to, was something Dean had never seen and he suddenly found himself craving more. Let's be honest, Dean wasn't selfish in bed, he wasn't all about getting to the finish line but all of that wasn't entirely selfless either. You give a little, you get something in return. But right now, he looked up at Cas, his left hand slowly reaching out and his fingers gently touching the right side of Dean's hair as he moaned into the cubicle, Dean wasn't doing it so that something might be done about his own cock which was being neglected. It was because that look on Cas' face as Dean squeezed his right hand a little and took in another inch was all that mattered right then. He slowly moved his head up and down Cas' length, curling his tongue around then uncurling, and it suddenly occurred to Dean that, judging by the way Cas' legs seemed to be weakening and his voice getting stronger, he might be good at this.

He knew what the end of this was going to be, he wasn't prepared with any past experience to compare it to but he was damn gonna try and get through it. The taste of water was slowly replaced with something warm and salty, was that what that tasted like? Dean wasn't even aware he'd wondered until just then.

"God, Dean." Cas moaned, and, let's face it, that was a loaded statement coming from Cas, especially in the pornographic way it did. Cas was amazed at how torturously slow the buildup was, Dean's left hand came up to hold Cas' hip when he started softly bucking towards Dean, he didn't mean it but Dean was driving him mad with the slow scrape of his tongue, the twitch of his neck, warmth all around his erection, he could feel it leaking and he knew how steadily louder he was getting but he couldn't keep it in, he gave up trying to bite it back when Dean rolled the underside of his tongue over Cas' slit. The heat slowly bubbling into a simmer in his stomach, he looked down to see Dean's eyes closed and saliva covering the left side of Dean's right hand which was flexing around him. Cas might have been mistaken about Dean never having done this be- The simmer suddenly kicked to boiling when Dean dragged his tongue all the way down as he took as much of Cas as he could, Cas could feel his tip hit something warm, textured and wet and Dean hummed. Well, that was it. Cas' train was coming in. "Dean," he could feel the heat rising and shooting downwards from his abdomen, "I'm-" Cas tried not to grab Dean's hair but he couldn't help it, "I'm gonna-" Dean hummed it was okay, which only added to the feeling, Cas tightened his fingers in Dean's hair and his right foot cramped under his arch just before he called out Dean's name. Dean's neck tensed in anticipation but Cas wasn't moving him, just pulling his hair a little as he thundered to his own finish line.

Dean relaxed his neck then suddenly felt it at the back of his throat, he screwed up his eyes because for some reason that helped him concentrate on not digging his nails into Cas' hip and keeping his head moving. It was hot, it was thick and it was plenty. He felt his own cock leak when his name came out of Cas' mouth with the same violent spurt as his cum had and continued to do so. Dean swallowed and then suddenly opened his eyes, he hadn't meant to do that, that and the taste caught him off guard. He had been concentrating so much on not gagging he had forgotten the rest, like that it'll even have a taste and not swallowing. He swallowed again and surprisingly Dean found the taste didn't bother him that much, it wasn't that much different from the kind he'd tasted before, well it was different but the same in how unpleasant it was. Maybe it was like beer - some get used to it and some don't. He realized that Cas was riding his last wave and he relaxed a little as the hand in his hair loosened and he sucked one last time, which made Cas jitter and moan once more. He then let Cas go from his mouth and hand, who exhaled at the feeling. He swallowed a couple of more times, trying to rid himself of the taste then looked up. Cas opened his right eye and looked down at Dean, his chest heaving, and a smile crept onto his face.

Dean leaned backwards and closed his eyes, the water hit his face and he opened his mouth filling it up with water before he made to stand up, wiping his face with his left hand. He put his right out and Cas grabbed it, helping him to his feet. Dean squished the water and leaned over to spit it into the drain. He looked back to Cas who 'phew'ed loudly. "What else did you learn?"

Dean laughed and kissed Cas. Who pulled away for a second and grimaced. "Tell me about it." Dean widened his eyes and raised his right hand to Cas' cheek before pulling him in for another kiss. Cas hummed, his face screwing up before he relaxed and kissed Dean back. The taste was replaced with each other and the water just kept on draining.

Sam was in the main room, having given up trying to concentrate with that going on, looking at Dean's 'porn' magazine. Dean had a point, how was this porn? Sam squinted to read the faded captions, all of this he did with his iPod in, out of necessity.


	17. Chapter 17

"I just don't understand what I did?" Cas stood at Sam's bedroom door looking to the youngest Winchester as he sat on his bed putting his shoes on.

"I didn't say you did anything?" Sam shook his head and lifted his leg to the chair in front of him before he pulled at his laces roughly.

"You didn't have to, you've been weird with me all morning? All I said was-"

"I heard what you said, Castiel!" Sam shouted and it echoed into the corridor. Cas stopped talking immediately, it wasn't like Sam to shout at him, ever. He dropped his foot loudly and then stood. "But I do actually know what I'm doing. And we were doing it fine before you came along." He pushed passed Cas and Dean emerged from his room, sleepy, to watch Sam storm passed him. "Leaving in ten," he muttered as he passed Dean and then disappeared around the corner.

Dean turned back to Cas who rubbed his forehead and walked towards him. "What was that about?"

"I don't know, ask him." Cas walked into his room and threw himself down on the bed, top to tail again.

Dean walked to the doorway. "He said we're leaving, we got something?"

"Sam says werewolf," Cas answered bluntly and put his arm over his eyes.

"And you don't?" Dean looked back down the corridor before he turned back to Cas. He didn't answer. "Cas, come-"

"Just go, Dean," Cas whispered, clearly wanting to be left alone.

Dean took a few steps into the room, knowing he wasn't going to get anything out of him and that it was best to just leave it there. He leaned over the bar of the bed, looking down at Cas.

After a few seconds Cas sighed. "What?"

"I'll talk to him," Dean muttered before leaning forward.

"You don-" Cas stopped talking because Dean had leaned forward and kissed Cas quickly, upside down, on the lips before turning on his heels and disappearing away.

Cas tried not to but he smiled for a second before he went back to being worried. He knew exactly what was wrong with Sam; it wasn't that Cas had done anything, it's that he was capable of doing something - coming between them.

>><<

Dean followed Sam up the stairs and out into the cold morning, Sam annoyed and silent. Dean watched him as they jumped in the car. He leaned forward and turned the engine on before sighing and looking to Sam.

Sam looked. "What?" Dean just stared. "I can do this by myself if you'd rather stay here." It wasn't said like a question but Sam was asking.

"Is that what you think?" Dean turned in his seat.

"It doesn't matter what I think." Sam sighed and let his arms fall heavily onto his bag that sat in his lap.

"Yes it does and you know it does." Sam didn't answer. "Fine, do that but you're going to have to say something at some point."

Sam shrugged and the words 'want a bet' hung in the air. Dean turned the engine off and sat back in his seat, Sam turned to look as he idly played with his fingers. Dean checked all of his nails for dirt as he whistled Van Halen's _5150_ , tapping his right foot.

"Can we just go?!" Sam gestured to the road. "This is childish!"

"You're damn right it is." Dean and Sam stared at each other. "You want to go in a huff Sam, that's fine. Don't take it out on Cas," Sam scoffed with a bitter smile, "or me, Sam. I'm trying to get you to talk to me about it, just like he was, and you don't want to so that's fine. We tried. I'm actually just waiting for you to tell me where the hell we're going." Sam turned, realizing he hadn't said. "'Cause if I go left at the end of this road and I have to turn around I will drop you back here." He leaned forward to turn the engine on again. "Be in a mood but don't waste my gas or time," he muttered it and Sam had to actively not laugh.

"Jasper, Alabama."

"A whole two words? Wow(!)" Dean pulled the car down the road.

Sam ignored him and stared out the window as they headed east out of Kansas.

>><<

Cas lay on the bed for a little while wondering what the hell he could do and knowing that there was nothing at all. He wanted to try and make this work with Dean and Dean wanted that too so Sam was going to have to get used to it. The two had had relationships before but those were different - they were filling the void left by the other's death. It would take a while but Sam would get used to it. Hopefully.

Cas sighed and rolled over, smooshing his face into the bed.

_Please don't make him choose._

>><<

It was lunchtime when Dean pulled into a grill, they hadn't gotten as far as they would have liked because they were trying to avoid the new toll roads that automatically bill your license through the DMV which would tell them that the car was registered to someone else's address. Sam pointed out that, while he can do many things, Garth cannot make a whole family pretend that it was their car or that the two live there. Dean just shrugged and took the back roads.

They bundled into booths and Dean looked at his menu.

Sam looked to the specials board. "They have pie." Dean hummed a less than interested response. "Did you hear me, they have blueberry pie... on special?" Dean pouted scanning the menu in front of him. "Such a child."

"When I don't say anything but answer you I'm a child but when you completely blank me it's perfectly mature?" Sam looked up to Dean whose eyes were dead set on him. Sam froze thinking they were about to rough-house in the middle of this place. "If you want to talk, go ahead but I only want to hear one thing so..." Dean trailed off and looked back to his menu, turning it over in his hand.

Sam sighed. "What do you want me to say Dean?" Dean's eyes lifted back to Sam's. "That it's comfortable? That I can deal with it? That I will ever be able to look at Cas or you the same way again? Because I can't and you wouldn't be able to either if you were me."

Dean's brow furrowed. "Do you really have  _that much_  of a problem with it?" He lowered his menu. "Because I gotta tell you Sam, that surprises me." Sam's own eyebrows dipped in confusion. "If this were the other way around-" he stuttered, "o-of course with someone else, not Cas," Sam shook his head in agreement, "another guy," Dean leaned forward, head lowered a tad, and pointed his left finger to the table to make sure Sam knew he was serious, "it would not bother me at all."

"At all?" Sam's head shook slightly.

Dean sat up and back again cutting air with his left hand. "At all."

"That's sick Dean." Dean's eyes widened in surprise then his brow contorted into _what the hell?_. "That's totally sick!"

Dean raised his own voice to match Sam's. "Why is that sick?" The server that had started to make for their table decided another few minutes wouldn't hurt and turned around mid-stride.

"Because!" Sam let his hands fall onto the table lowly.

"Why?"

"Because I can't even look him in the eye after hearing it and then there's looking at you?" He gestured his palms upward to emphasize his disbelief.

Dean paused. When he spoke his voice was back to lowered and the people that had turned to look went back to their own lunches, "After hearing what?"

Sam swallowed. "Cas." He looked away and Dean suddenly started to catch on. "You disappear after him and then all I can hear is him," Sam paused again trying not to remember or be sick as his face scrunched up, "saying your name."

Dean started laughing and brought his right hand over his eyes.

"It's not funny, Dean!" Dean let his head hang and just shook as he laughed. "Why are you laughing? How can you say you'd be fine if this was the other way around and you heard that?" He shuddered. "That's just sick."

Dean lifted his head, stopped laughing and looked at Sam before letting out another little laugh. "So, you're acting like this because you heard us last night?" Sam nodded, confused as to why he had to clarify. "Shit Sam, I'm sorry." He laughed again. "I didn't know you could hear and I didn't know that's what you were upset about." Sam's face relaxed. "All you had to do was say, man." He started to shuffle out of the booth. "I wouldn't be fine if it was the other way round, you're right."

"You had no idea?" Dean shook his head. "Which means Cas doesn't either." He sighed. "Dean, I'm-"

"I know bro, I know." He smiled. "I'm going to call Cas now, tell him before he takes off again because you had a go at him." Sam's eyes widened knowing that that was a possibility. "Get me the pie." Sam nodded and looked back to menu. Dean put his left hand on Sam's left shoulder as he passed. "Poor Sam." He walked away and the door closed.

Sam turned, with a few others in the grill, when loud laughter drifted in from outside and saw Dean leaning one hand against the wall outside with his head thrown back.

"Jerk," Sam muttered to himself.

>><<

Cas was in the kitchen, leaning on the counter waiting on the pot when his phone rang in the next room. He walked through and picked it up off of the table. Dean.

He answered quickly, worried that something had happened. "Dean, are you and Sam okay?"

 _"Yeah, we're fine."_ Cas exhaled relieved.  _"Are you okay?"_

"Yes, I'm fine." Cas turned around and headed slowly back into the kitchen.

_"Well, we're on our way to Alabama, I've yet to get the skinny on what we're heading for but I did get Sam to talk about what's bothering him."_

"We already know what's bothering him." Cas leaned on the counter again.

 _"We do?"_ Dean sounded confused.

"Yes. Us, we're bothering him. I'm getting in the way."

 _"Well that's what I expected him to say but it turns out the real reason he's been weird is..."_ Dean paused and when he spoke again it was through a laugh.  _"So much more embarrassing."_

Cas' brow twitched in confusion. "What do you mean, what did he say?"

_"He heard us last night, when we were in the shower."_

Cas' eyes went wide. "Oh, you mean when you were-"

 _"Yep. Well actually he didn't hear us, he heard you."_ Cas closed his eyes.  _"And that's why he hasn't been able to look at us properly."_

"God, Dean." Cas hid his face in his right hand as the pot neared the end.

_"That would be an example of what he heard."_

Cas let his hand dropped, smiling trying not to laugh. "Shut up."

 _"What? It was a good thing to hear,"_ Dean admitted and Cas could almost hear the blush.  _"I liked it, Sam not so much."_ Cas laughed and the pot started to beep.  _"I was worried that you'd- What is that noise?"_

"The pot, I'm making coffee." Cas lifted it and began to pour. "You were worried I would what?" There was silence on the other end. "Dean, you there?"

_"Yeah... Yeah. So, you're just having coffee right now?"_

Cas picked up the cup and walked through to the main room in his AC/DC top, jeans and socks. "Well I am now that it's ready. Why?"

When Dean spoke there was an evident smile on his face.  _"I was worried that you'd take off again, considering we thought Sam had a real problem with us."_

Cas pulled out a chair and sat back down in front of his book. "I told you in the supermarket."

_"Actually, you didn't say anything, you just walked away."_

"I thought it was implied. I'm not going anywhere Dean, unless you want me to. I'm not going to take off just because Sam throws a strop, we both decided we were going to give this a shot and we both decided that was what we wanted so unless you've changed your mind?"

 _"No way."_ Cas smiled and blew at the surface of the liquid. Dean cleared his throat.  _"Damn."_

"What's wrong?"

_"Nothing."_

Cas put his coffee down. "Tell me."

 _"You've got me thinking about last night..."_ Dean muttered.  _"I've got to go back and sit down across from Sam."_ He blew out audibly.

Cas smiled and bit his lip a little. "Dean..." he said teasingly into the phone, in a rough whisper.

 _"Don't you start!"_ Dean whispered back into the phone and Cas burst out laughing.  _"I'll call you later?"_

"Sure." Cas gave in and they hung up. He laughed to himself again before picking up his coffee and looking down at his book on fallen angels.

Outside a grill in Missouri Dean hung up the phone, looked around him at the empty parking lot and shook his leg a little flexing his thigh muscles. "Damn tease." He exhaled and headed back inside, slightly hunched over.

Sam looked up as Dean sat down. "Did you call him?" Dean nodded and shifted in his seat. "Is he still there?"

Dean nodded and tried not to smile but Sam caught it. "Wasn't going anywhere," Dean muttered. They both looked up as the waiter walked over to the table with Sam's sandwich and, more importantly, Dean's pie. "Thanks."

Sam picked up half the sandwich. "So, get this." He took a bite while Dean cut up the pie. "In a week, there have been four attacks. All in one neighborhood in Jasper and all dogs."

"Dogs?" Dean looked up, pausing.

"Yeah," Sam took another bite, "except one guy. Neighborhood preacher," Dean was silently glad that Cas hadn't come, "he was attacked and some of his organs missing."

"Cas said you thought werewolf." Dean scooped some pie up on his fork and put it in his mouth.

"Yeah, he thought skinwalker." Sam scoffed and looked away.

"Hey," Sam turned back, "I thought you didn't have a problem?"

"I do when he starts to act like he knows more than I do just because you two are-"

"Now listen to me," Dean pointed his fork at Sam who shut up immediately, "Cas would never do that and you know it. Snap out of whatever childish jealously thing you're trying to pretend you haven't got going on and really look at what's happening here. Cas just wants to help us. Remember what he was like before when he wanted to hunt like us?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah, he was so excited." He smiled remembering.

"Exactly and lost, I think we forget that he's an angel. He might have had his grace taken from him Sam, but you didn't see him in that motel room the first night, he was broken." Dean zoned out for a second remembering the look in his eyes - emotionless. Sam watched him with interest. He came back to himself with a few blinks. "Anyway, he's lost and then there's us trying to deal with our thing-"

"Relationship, Dean. You can say it, you're not five." Sam smirked.

"I know!"

"Go on then." Sam put his half eaten half of a sandwich down on the plate and reached for his coffee without looking away from Dean.

"Sam, I'm not going to pla-"

"Unless you're embarrassed?" Sam shrugged.

Dean sighed. "I'm not embarrassed. It's just... new," he admitted and then cleared his throat. "He's dealing with losing his grace, adjusting to being human, adjusting to being in a  _relationship_ ," Sam nodded, "with me, who was his friend, trying to accept help and support from us, dealing with the inability to just fix everything at the drop of a dime and then there's you." He stopped and Sam paused picking his sandwich back up. "He's trying to help us, be useful, prove to us and himself that he can cope and adjust and you go in a mood because he made a suggestion? Brilliant friend you are." Dean sighed. "And before you say anything, I would say this to you regardless because I know what it's like to try and push on when all you want to do is crumble so..." He trailed off, picked his fork back up and busied himself eating.

Sam thought about it all then dropped his sandwich back on the plate with an exhale. "Great." Dean looked up. "I'm an ass." Dean just tilted his head and raised his eyebrows as he was chewing in agreement.

>><<

They arrived in Jasper early the next morning and found a motel. Sam was less tired than Dean because he hadn't been driving and he was still trying to explain to Dean about what they were going after. Dean hadn't been listening for about two hours, he sighed as he opened the door to the motel room, Sam followed him inside rambling and Dean put his hand up as he turned which stopped Sam in both his tracks and words.

"Sam, we have to go to the station in like 6 hours so..." He pointed to the beds and walked over in silence. Sam lowered his head then turned it to watch Dean throw himself down on the mattress fully clothed.

Sam dumped their stuff, which he had been carrying because Dean said so, that's why Sammy. Of course.

"Back in a minute," he mumbled and Dean groaned a response. His eyes closed and face buried in the pillow.

Sam closed the door and pulled out his mobile, he blew out a breath a little nervous about what he was doing and mocking himself in his head for feeling that way.

 _"Hello Sam."_ Cas' voice was harsh as if he'd just woken up and it then occurred to Sam that maybe he had done, to answer his phone.

"Cas hey, I'm sorry did I wake you?" Sam looked at his watch, only just remembering that not everyone was on their schedule, even if they did live with them.

_"It's okay Sam, is everything alright?"_

"Yeah everything is fine, Dean's fine."

 _"Sam,"_ There was a rustle on the other end before Cas spoke again,  _"when I ask if everything is alright, I mean the both of you. You're my friend, surely you know that?"_

Sam was about to insist that he did but he thought about it. "In all honesty Cas, I don't really believe that. I'm trying, I know you care for me but is that because I'm Sam or because I'm Dean's little brother?"

There was a pause.  _"Really? I can never ignore the fact that you're Dean's brother, Sam. I raised Dean from Hell, that was my mission, to save Dean from an eternity or torture, whether he was giving or receiving."_

"The profound bond," Sam muttered walking along the path away from the room door.

_"Yes, I didn't come to you when you called Sam because of what Crowley and I were doing, I raised you from Hell too, remember that. From Lucifer's cage, no less."_

"Yeah, but that wasn't exactly just out of the goodness of your heart, was it?" Sam scrunched his face up, berating himself. "I'm sorry, that was out of order."

 _"No, you are justified in your statement, Sam. I came when Dean called because when I say 'profound bond' I don't think I fully explained myself. As I said, raising Dean from Hell was my mission. And when an angel is given a mission such as that, one that stems from God, it may or may not come directly from him to one of us but when it is his wish there is a bond. And by 'bond' I mean a metaphorical cord binding us to the mission - I don't know, Sam, maybe that's why Dean and I have ended up where we are, in this relationship with these feelings but..."_ He sighed. Sam was beginning to understand more, about how Castiel worked, even now as a human.  _"But Sam, you are my friend. I cannot help how we came to know each other or how I feel for your brother but know this - you are my friend in your own right... I would die for you."_

Sam paused mid-step knowing that he meant every word. "Cas?"

_"Yes, Sam?"_

"I'm sorry for being such an ass." Cas snorted out a breath on the other side. "Dean made me see that I was being snide. I don't know why I reacted like I did."

_"It's okay."_

"It's not though, I want you to hunt with us and be with Dean and make him smile like that." He ran his fingers through his hair. "I honestly do, Cas, but I will promise you this. If you hurt him,  _intentionally_  hurt him... You will find out just how good of a hunter I really am."

There was silence for a few minutes and Sam never regretted his words. At all.

_"I would expect nothing less, Sam."_

Sam nodded. "Good."


	18. Chapter 18

The preacher had died first so the boys had to go and see about that. They introduced themselves to the local police and found out the address of the preacher's wife, she had moved from the town after the incident so the brothers traveled up to Huntsville, Alabama.

They parked up and Dean sighed. "What makes you think werewolf?"

Sam turned to look at Dean then sighed too. "Honestly, I thought werewolf until I looked up the lunar cycle."

"And then what did you think?" Dean fiddled in his pocket to make sure his badge was there.

Sam exhaled. "And then I thought skinwalker but Cas said it first and I got mad." Dean shook his head slightly. "I already apologized!"

Dean opened the car door and Sam copied, both stepping out the Impala in their suits. "I know Sam, but maybe you should try apologizing to Cas."

"I already did, Sleeping Beauty." They approached the door and Sam knocked while Dean glanced at him.

A young woman answered the door, in her early twenties, shoulder length blonde hair. She looked from Sam to Dean then smiled. "Yes?" She was talking to Dean more than Sam.

They pulled their badges out. "FBI," they both showed the insignia then flipped it as they turned them around, as they put them back Dean spoke, "Agents Teague," he then gestured to Sam, "and Nelson, we're here about your husband's murder."

Sam could have kicked himself as she laughed. "You mean my step-father?"

Dean looked to Sam who pursed his mouth together. "I'm sorry Mrs...?"

"Laura." She smiled and put her right hand on her hip.

"Laura," Dean finished, "I'm sorry, I was called in at the last minute to replace another agent on the case so I'm not properly caught up yet, my partner here knows the finer details." He gestured to Sam who was impressed at Dean's seamless recovery.

"That's alright." She smiled to Sam and then looked back to Dean. "And it's Miss."

Dean looked back up and spoke after a pause. "My apologies again, is your mother home?"

The girl seemed a little taken back by this and nodded before stepping backwards to let them inside the house. "Thank you." Sam nodded to her as he followed Dean inside.

They stood in the doorway waiting to be ushered further into the house, she walked in front but still talking mostly to Dean, Sam looked around as they followed the hallway to the kitchen at the back of the house. He looked at the pictures on the walls, the family that smiled back did not include the girl, or, Sam noticed as they entered the kitchen and walked out into the back yard, the mother and son.

"Mom, FBI. About Gerry." She walked and leaned on the back of her mother's chair, the woman turned in her chair and stood to greet them.

"FBI?" She held out her hand which they shook in turn.

"Yes Ma'am," Dean and Sam took out their badges again to show her briefly, "Agents Teague and Nelson," she looked at the badges then to her daughter behind her, who was leaning with her right side turned slightly away from the boys.

She swatted her daughter's arm, who looked to her mother's face. "Stand up properly, Laura." Laura lowered her head and her mother turned back to the brothers and smiled. "How can we help you?" Her face was clearly puffy from crying and she held a tissue bundled in her right hand. Dean turned to his left to look at the little boy sitting on the ground to see how far away he was. "We can talk here." She assured them.

"Well uh," Sam spoke, "we wanted to talk to you about the day that your husband died. Did anything unusual happen that day, Mrs Yolik?" Dean mentally noted the name, Sam was saying it for his benefit, he knew Dean hadn't been listening.

"Unusual?" The preacher's wife spoke with slight distaste. "More unusual than a beast ripping my husband to shreds?" She began to tear up again.

"We're sorry that we have to ask these questions but given the circumstances, we  _do_  have to ask them." Dean felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. "Excuse me." He nodded, shooting Sam a look and walked quite a few steps away, stopping at the patio door before answering while Sam continued to question them. "Cas? What's wrong?"

_"I'm sorry, I know you're on the job but I..."_

"Talk to me, babe." Dean kept calling Cas that and he decided that he liked it. He walked into the house so that he definitely couldn't be heard and had a look around the kitchen at the same time.

 _"I shouldn't have called, I know, but..."_ He paused. _"I was worried, you said you would call me last night and with the case I..."_ Dean's eyes closed as he relaxed.  _"I'm sorry."_

"No, Cas, it's fine. We're fine, we got into the room and I went straight to sleep, I thought S-."

 _"Yeah, he called me at the motel but I just got worried,"_ he sighed,  _"are you mad?"_

"No, I'm not. I'm actually in the middle of an interview but can I call you after? I will this time." Dean looked at the floor, there was hair along the skirting of the floor, scratches on the wood flooring and a distinct smell. He looked for bowls or toys and saw none.

While Dean was talking Sam had took out his notebook to ask the mother and daughter where they were that night, why the preacher was in the church cemetery so late, and the usual questions, as well as the unusual stuff.

"And you didn't notice any stray animals in the neighborhood at the time?"

"No." The wife shook her head.

"Is Cas his wife?" Laura looked at Dean pacing in the kitchen through the open patio doors. Her mother turned to glare at her. "What?"

"Laura, that is totally inappropriate!" She turned back to Sam. "I'm so sorry."

Sam smiled. "It's quite alright, Ma'am." He looked down to his pad and kept jotting.

"So he's  _not_  married?" Laura asked again.

Her mother turned. "Laura, what did I just say?" Her daughter made to protest.

"It's fine." Sam put his hand out. "No, he's not but..." He tried not to smile. "You're barking up the wrong tree." They just looked at him. "Cas is his boyfriend."

Laura's eyes widened and the mother turned to look. "Is that settled then?"

Sam looked back down at his notepad while they bickered, he glanced over to where Dean was stood, looking at the floor without the phone in his hand. Had he figured it out too? And was Cas okay?

>><<

They closed the door behind them and Sam glanced back, Dean made to talk.

"Shut up," Sam muttered and Dean glared at him making to talk again. "Just... wait." He jogged around the car and jumped in. Dean stood for a second and then followed him. When he got in he turned to shout at Sam. "Drive. Just drive then shout at me."

Dean blinked a few times then turned the engine on and roared down the street. When they got to the end he turned. "Is it safe yet?" he said angrily.

"Yeah." Sam looked over his shoulder. "What did Cas want, he alright?"

Dean opened his mouth to say one thing and then changed his mind. "How did you know that it was Cas?"

"Laura heard you." Dean screwed up his brow. "Yeah, they're skinwalkers."

"Oh." Dean turned the car right and pulled in at the next bay. "So, Cas was right?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah." Then he started laughing and Dean looked. "Laura was asking about you and I said 'you're barking up the wrong tree'."

"Sam!" Dean's eyes widened. "They're gonna know we're onto them!"

"I know!" Sam was still laughing. "Totally worth it." He looked to Dean. "Come on, it was funny?"

Dean paused then laughed. "Okay yeah." Dean smiled to himself. "It's not to be sniffed at."

Sam shook his head. "Dude." Dean looked disheartened. "So, what did Cas want?"

"I said I would call him last night so when I didn't he said he got worried but..." Dean sighed.

"But I called him last night?" Sam looked to the side, at the dashboard.

"I know. Something's going on." Dean rubbed his face.

"Do you want to go back?" Sam offered, being genuine this time.

Dean turned to look at him. "No." He fumbled in his pocket for his cell. "These walkers need dealt with."

"But we can't just leave Cas?"

"I know." He pulled his cell out. "There's only one way to do both." He pressed call and waited while Sam opened their father's journal looking for something else to focus on. "Cas?" He paused. "No, we're fine. Listen, get your ass in your car and drive to Alabama." Another pause, Dean cut him off. "I don't care Cas, I know there's something wrong so either you come to us or I'm coming to you." Another pause. "No arguments, I will turn this car around." Sam laughed. "Good, take your time, we're in Huntsville just now but we'll meet you in Jasper. Avoid the toll roads and bring the ID you took from Sam."

"You done?" Sam asked and Dean looked around before Sam grabbed the phone from him. "Hey Cas, listen..." He looked to Dean. "You forget how to drive?"

Dean sighed and turned on the engine. "Not too big for a smack, you know."

Sam smirked as the Impala pulled away and turned his attention back to the phone. "Listen, we're thinking you were right about it being skinwalkers..."

>><<

Cas turned into the motel, he spotted Dean leaning against a door and he headed towards it. Turning into the spot Dean screwed up his eyes to the headlights, Cas turned them and the engine off and Dean walked towards the car.

"Sorry." Cas leaned out the window and Dean nodded trying to blink away the white spot in the middle of his vision. "Where's Sam?" Cas got out and shut the door.

Dean turned to look and gestured to the bar across the road. His gaze only moved from Cas for a second and he fixed it back, Cas was wearing his trench coat again and it unsettled Dean. He thought he missed it but...

Cas made to step away but stopped, lifted his hand and pointed his thumb in the direction. "Are we...?"

Dean shook his head. "Come in." He walked towards a room and opened the door, Cas waited a second before dropping his hand and following him inside. Dean closed the door behind them and locked it. Cas smirked and moved towards Dean to kiss him. "No Cas, stop." Dean looked at Cas as he stopped, his hand an inch away from Dean's face. "Talk to me."

Cas turned around. "Dean, I just drove for..." He looked at his watch but his head could figure it out so he let his hand drop again. "Too long."

"I know, Cas, but I need you to tell me what's going on. I'm worried." Dean rubbed his face and plonked himself down on the edge of the bed that Cas only just realized was a double.

Cas stood there, his coat around him, suit and tie in place and he looked as if the past few weeks or so hadn't happened.

He looked like Castiel.

Dean looked up, tired himself, weary with anxiety and adrenaline. "I need you to trust me."

Cas sighed. "I do." He walked towards Dean, stood to his left and turned before sitting down next to him. "More than anything."

"So tell me." Dean leaned his elbows on his knees, his shirt open and his denim pants dirty.

Cas loosened his tie. "When the djinn poisoned me." Dean prepared himself. "You're supposed to see your perfect world, your one true desire."

There was a silence. Cas needed Dean to ask and Dean didn't want to.

Cas turned his head to meet Dean's eye line and they just stared for a minute before Dean looked away at the floor and whispered, "What did you see?"

"I..." Cas blinked a few times and looked to the side. "I was back in heaven." Dean pouted and nodded trying to strangle the feeling in his throat, he had expected that but it still cut through him. "I had rejoined with my grace, the war was over and we returned to our mission of protecting humanity." Cas looked to Dean still nodding. "But then I thought about you." Dean looked back to him. "I thought about you, just one thought; not even a memory or a smell or the sound of your laughter, or our kiss." He shook his head and laughed trying not to cry like he wanted to. "Just your name. All I had to do was think of those four letters and I fell." He was going to lose the battle with his tears, he could feel it.

"You fell? As in  _fell_ fell?" Dean wasn't pouting now, the emotion had gone straight to his stomach, his chest, his eyes. Had he misunderstood?

"I don't know what that means but I fell back to earth, right back to you. The whole time I was out I kept going from Heaven to you and back again and then you again. It was like my own soul couldn't decide what I wanted most." Cas was crying now, he wiped his eyes with the sleeves of his trench coat. "I was made to be an angel, Dean. I feel it inside me, like it's written into my code, but then I think about all of the things I was asked to do, how many people were in my head. But," Dean lifted his left elbow to turn his upper body more towards Cas, who gritted his teeth and inhaled, "I  _can't_ , I can't go back to that. I can't go back to a life with so much wrong, so much death and destruction. But you know, I could." He nodded and Dean was confused for a second. "I could, if I had found a way to do it I would have gone back in a second and tried to change things but then," he groaned in frustration and Dean's brow dipped in pain seeing Cas crying and upset, he wanted to reach out but he wanted him to keep talking, "dammit Dean," he grabbed the back of Dean's head and kissed him roughly, not even giving Dean enough time to respond or close his eyes before he pulled back, "you had to go and happen. Now? Now I wouldn't even if I could." He still stroked the back of Dean's head. "That's not even the right words, I wouldn't because I couldn't. I couldn't leave this. You. I couldn't." Dean looked over Cas' face, the tears touching his eyes into vibrancy, or maybe it was the way he looked at Dean, Dean couldn't figure it out but it didn't matter. "I keep looking and looking for ways to rejoin but I know, in the deepest corners of my soul, that even if I found it I would just close the book and crawl into your bed."

Cas was sobbing and looking at the back of Dean's head where he was rubbing circles into his scalp. He exhaled trying to abate the tears too scared to look at Dean again, who was stunned to silence. He was staring at those eyes - so full of pain and truth at the same time. It was frightening. And beautiful.

"Our bed," Dean whispered hoarsely.

"What?" Cas sniffed and met Dean's eyes.

"Crawl into  _our_  bed." Dean lifted his right hand and stroked the tears from Cas' left cheek before using the back of that thumb to half-wipe the other side. Cas smiled gently at the gesture. "Why are you so upset?"

"Because I feel guilty." Dean shook his head and cupped Cas' jaw. "I do, I feel like I'm not giving you all of me. Like I'm holding back."

Dean sighed. "Don't." He shook his head once more. "If anyone knows the effort you're putting in, it's me."

"I don't mean  _effort_ , this?" Cas let his hand stop drawing circles on Dean's scalp but kept it there while gesturing between them with his left index finger. "This doesn't take any effort." He furrowed his brow. "I can't really explain what I mean but I hope that you know."

Dean nodded. "I do. I do know what you mean, Cas. I do." Dean nodded feeling a little relief from the sight of Cas calming down, the tears had stopped and the ones left were drying on his face. Dean wiped them away again. Dean took Cas' hand and stood before pulling Cas up with him. Cas just looked up to Dean as he stood. Dean slowly pushed Cas' coat from his shoulders and Cas shifted his arms to help, Dean leaned to put it over the chair behind them and Cas moved to take off his tie but when Dean turned back he gently held Cas' hands. "Let me."

It wasn't a loaded statement or gesture, it wasn't a plea or part of Dean's innermost desire to be needed by someone, anyone. It was a simple request - let me.

Castiel nodded and let his hands fall back down. Dean slowly slid the tie out of its own knot, slipping that from around Castiel's neck and lifting it so that it landed on his shoulder, he started to unbutton the shirt and glanced up to Castiel's slightly puffy face, eyes closed and relaxing into it.

Dean stripped Castiel back to Cas.

The clothes now piled on the chair at the table Dean turned Cas around where he was, prompting Cas' eyes to open again and guided him to the bed. Cas bent over and crawled into it. Dean turned towards the bathroom and Cas sighed. After peeing Dean walked back into the room thinking Cas was asleep and stripped himself down to his boxers too before he turned the light off. He glanced out at the moonlight before something caught his eye. He saw Sam standing the side of the road outside the bar, waiting to cross after a truck with the Democratic Party symbol of the side. He had a chick holding his hand and they were laughing heading towards the motel, at the other end, and Dean smirked. _That's my boy._

Dean looked back up to the stars one last time before climbing into bed to hold his partner.

>><<

When the morning broke Dean was already awake, he was still getting used to getting full night's sleeps, even at the bunker his sleeping patterns were scattered at best. Although for the past week or so he had been sleeping more, that might have something to do with someone tiring him out though. When Cas woke up he simply opened his eyes and hummed. He was facing the wall so he turned around, as he did so Dean, lying on his back on the side closest the door, moved his right arm so that Cas could lie against him and then brought his hand up to rub Cas' back. He then brought his left to sit on top of Cas' right, which was rested over his heart, the finger tips on his tattoo.

"Hello," Cas mumbled then shuffled his right leg in between Dean's.

Dean smiled. "Mornin'."

"How long have you been awake?" Cas stroked his heel up the inside of Dean's right calf and Dean hissed. "What?" Cas' head came up to look at Dean as he moved his leg back over towards himself. "What did I do?"

"It's nothing, I just have a..." Dean sighed when Cas lifted the cover, he saw a line on Dean's calf and he sat up to look better.

"Dean!" Cas looked back to Dean as he sat up.

"It's just a bite?"

"Just? Oh,  _just_  a bite?" Cas touched it and Dean hissed again. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"Sam stitched it for me, it's fine." He pulled Cas' hand trying to get him to lie down again. "Come on, it's cold." He gestured his head, closing his eyes. "Come back."

Cas reluctantly lay back down but leaning on his left elbow and keeping his head up to look at Dean who had pulled the covers back over them. "So, when you said 'We're fine' what you  _should_ have said was 'but I'm bleeding'?" Cas raised his brow at Dean.

"No because that was  _after_  I spoke to you."

"So, you should have phoned me back after?"

"I'm not going to-"

Cas brought his right hand up to completely cover Dean's mouth and he stopped talking. "You should have phoned me back." Cas stared at Dean who didn't say anything. "So, you should ha-" Dean licked Cas' hand. "Dean, that's disgusting." Cas pulled his hand back and wiped it on the outside of the cover looking at it.

"I can't talk with that over my mouth." He laughed through that and Cas turned his head to look at Dean with a 'be serious' glare. Dean sighed. "I'm sorry, I should have told you but do you really expect me to call you every time I get-"

"Don't be ridiculous!" Cas screwed up his face. "But let's just say anything from needing stitches and nearly dying?"

"Well, how many stitches?" Cas punched Dean's right shoulder with his own right hand gently. "I just want to know the rules!" Dean laughed.

Cas looked up. "Three?"

"Ten?" Dean offered.

"Five," Cas stated, not going to budge.

"Deal." Dean smiled and Cas tried not to smile back moving his hand back to Dean's tattoo. "You feeling better today," Dean sniffed and pinched his nose with his left hand briefly before tickling Cas' arm, "about everything?"

Cas nodded. "Yes." He kissed Dean and pulled back.

"Yeah?" Cas nodded again. "You know, you don't have to make up an excuse to call me, just do it."

"Really? Even on a case?" Cas looked up to Dean's eyes, it was then that Dean realized he had been watching Dean's lips.

"Course, I can't promise I will always be able to talk but do it anyway. I'll find the time." He trailed his hand up to Cas' jawline, his index finger touching behind Cas' ear. "You might not think I understand what you're going through and maybe you're right but I can try. You just have to let me, hmm?" Cas nodded again, still not looking at him. "Same goes for if you want to kiss me." Cas' eyes lifted and he blushed a little. "Just do it."

They smiled and finally kissed properly. Cas pulled away. "Done."

"Oh, is that so?" Cas nodded trying not to laugh and Dean moved in. "Well, what if I'm not done, huh?" They kissed again.

"You done now?" Cas joked as Dean protested and rolled over on top of Cas, kissing him against Cas' mumbled 'now?'s.

Dean eventually laughed and shook his head looking down at Cas. He was leaning on his elbows and Cas' hands were on Dean's hips. "Shut up." It came out in an exhaled half-laugh half-whisper.

"Make me," Cas replied in the same manner and Dean leaned in doing just that. Cas' left hand ran up Dean's back to clasp around his shoulder and he could feel Dean's breathing getting hotter and heavier on his face.

Dean had this uncanny ability to make Cas feel completely supported one minute and damn horny the next. And this was definitely one of those times. Dean's right hand tucked between Cas' head and the pillow as Cas' own right gently roamed to the small of Dean's back then down to his arse cheek and squeezed it, pulling Dean towards him.

When Cas felt Dean's erection against his he ground his own hips upwards and Dean moaned in his throat. Cas pulled back. "What..." He realized how breathless he was and swallowed trying again. "What if I wanted to do more than kiss you?"

Dean smirked and looked down. "Isn't like you haven't done that before."

Cas shook his head and Dean looked back up. "No. No Dean, what if I want to do more than we've done before?"

Dean paused, his breathing labored too. "Well, what did you have in mind?" Cas just pursed his lips together. "Really?" Dean's eyebrows shot upwards.

"Well, not if you don't but..." He moved his hand from Dean's bum to the small of his back. "Yeah?"

Dean thought about it for a minute, looking all over Cas' face. His gentle morning puffiness and wet lips. His ruffled hair and bashful smile accompanied by those cheeks. Dean hadn't thought about it before but he'd be lying if he said he wasn't thinking about it now. He slowly nodded. "Yeah."

"Really?" Cas hadn't expected that at all. He was suddenly worried. "If you don't wa-"

"Cas, shut up." Cas shut up. "I do," he looked to the side, "I didn't realize until you just brought it up but uh," he cleared his throat, "I do." Then he thought. "But we don't have anything?"

"We do have two cars?" Cas shrugged a little, as much as was possible while lying in bed underneath someone else.

Dean shook his head laughing. "I am not buying  _that_ , not anywhere." He saw Cas' smile drop. "I don't mean it like that, babe, I mean I'm not ready to do that just yet." He kissed Cas once and then sat up on his knees "Take cash from my wallet if you're low." Dean looked to the side, a little embarrassed about talking about it.

"Now?" Cas sat up on the bed. "You're ready now?"

Dean looked down. "Well, he's kind of gone back to sleep but give me a minute." Cas lightly hit Dean's leg and he laughed. "Yeah, aren't you?" Dean asked but he didn't get an answer, well he did. But it was in the form of a muttered 'yes' and Cas scrambling out of the bed. Dean laughed and twisted in mid-air as he plonked himself back down on the bed. When he settled the covers around him he saw Cas putting his pants on. "Those are dirty from the chase yesterday." When Cas looked down at them and back up to Dean questioningly Dean sighed. "I'll tell you about it later. Go." Cas pulled his shoes on, then Dean's shirt and Dean gestured his hand to Cas' own clothes in question. "Hello?"

"Hello." Cas smiled back and then followed the direction of Dean's arm as he settled the shirt over himself properly. "It's quicker to put these on." He walked towards the table and picked up Dean's wallet to shove in his back pocket. "Why, are you going somewhere?"

Dean just laughed. "Hurry up." He smirked at how much he meant that. Cas opened the door and he realized they hadn't spoke about it but he felt the need to say anyway. "Uh, Cas?" Cas stopped, the door open and him halfway through it, keys dangling from his free hand. "Large."

Cas smirked. "You sure?" He winked and closed the door behind him.

"Am I sure?!" He shouted, lifting his upper body off of the bed then lowering it, and his voice, looking at the ceiling. "Damn right I'm sure."

It suddenly occurred to Dean that perhaps Cas wasn't asking if he was sure about that. 'Cause, of course he was sure about that. Dean smiled almost quizzically at ever having that questioned. Just maybe Cas was asking if he was sure about the next step. Was Dean sure? He didn't know. Maybe he did. Or didn't. It wasn't that he was scared, he wanted to do this but it was so new.

But then again, everything the two of them were experiencing together was new and exciting. He thought about when they kissed each other's lips, each other's skin, when their hands roamed over the other's bodies and the taste of Cas on his tongue. And what Cas had said the night before about feeling like he wasn't giving all of himself to Dean. Then Dean started to worry that perhaps Cas wasn't doing this because he wanted to but because he felt like it was giving more of himself.

Dean calmed himself and sat up in the bed.

"Okay, one problem at a time, Winchester." He exhaled. "Do I want to do this? No 'this is about Cas', no 'this is new', just me." He inhaled and held it. He thought about it, about the act, about pushing into him and looking at his face, hearing him say his name and knowing that it was about more than just sex. He looked down and paused, he pulled back the covers and stared at his erection. "That'll be a yes, then." He snorted. "I would never have thought." He sighed and lay back in the bed pulling the covers up to hide his red cheeks before laughing to himself. There wasn't anyone to hide them from but still.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *foghorn* SMUUUUUTTTTT!!!

Dean fell back asleep to the ever creeping dawn, he hadn't meant to but he was cosy and content.

"Dean..." was whispered in his ear and he slowly woke up but when he felt a presence he jolted around to see what was threatening him.

He sighed when he saw that it was Cas, he still wasn't used to being woken gently - without a shout from someone of something or by Sam shaking him. It was then he realized he had turned around to face the wall in his sleep, something he never did, and Cas had pulled up the cover to slip onto the bed behind him. He was leaning on his right elbow, his left hand on Dean's upper arm and his lips against Dean's neck as he had whispered. Dean hadn't felt the kiss he had placed there before he had spoken.

"Cas," Dean turned onto his back then slightly towards Cas, who had leaned back, rubbing his face with his right hand as he spoke, "I must have dozed off."

"That was my first guess too." Cas smiled. "You ready to go for breakfast?"

Dean let his hand fall from his face to the cover. "I thought you wanted to..." Cas looked down, slightly shy. "Oh, I see." He looked away.

"What?" Cas looked up, confused. "What do you see?"

"You've changed your mind." He shrugged and shuffled towards the edge of his side of the bed trying to act casual and not to seem too disappointed.

"No Dean-" Cas watched him stand, too far away to reach for him.

"-Cas it's okay, I understand." Dean looked around on the floor for a few seconds as Cas stood.

"Wait-"

"Cas, seriously." Cas stopped. "I don't want you doing anything that you don't want to. But if you do want to go for breakfast you're going to have to give me my clothes back." He smiled and gestured to Cas' attire.

_Damn, those jeans on his hips aren't making this any easier._

Cas walked towards Dean and kissed him, just once, then pulled back. "Dean, I didn't change my mind." Dean made to protest. "Honestly, I didn't. I just thought that the moment might have passed."

Dean paused, he leaned for Cas' lips then caught himself. "Really?"

"That and I was worried I was pressuring you." It was Cas' turn to act casual as he turned around and walked towards the table again.

"You're not. I haven't thought about it, not until you brought it up but I do want to," Cas turned his body a bit and his head further to look at Dean, "I swear." Cas smiled and nodded. His body was subconsciously aimed to a carrier bag that wasn't on the table before Dean went to sleep. "I'm just going to brush, close the curtains for me?" He pointed to the windows.

"You can't see in, Dean." Cas smiled, idly playing with what was in the carrier bag.

"Oh, believe me, you can." Dean's jaw tightened slightly as he turned and walked into the bathroom.

Cas appeared in the doorway when Dean picked up the toothbrush he had been using. "Really?"

"Yeah," Dean muttered while he ran the brush under the faucet for a second or two, he reached for the paste and then glanced to Cas who was staring at him expectantly. "What?" Dean looked in the mirror but his eyes darted to the side to sneak another look at Cas in his clothes, the way those jeans were sitting, just threatening to fall. Almost daring him to help them.

"I know that you're thinking about something that bothers you and I'm waiting for you to tell me."

"And how do you  _know_  that?" He shoved the brush into his mouth and brushed furiously while Cas took a step towards him. He could see him out of the corner of his eye but he focused on his teeth.

"I can see it on your face, you're not that good at hiding your feelings." Cas smiled wearily and stroked his hand on Dean's as it rested on the sink.

Dean paused. "Yes, I am," he protested.

Cas laughed and shook his head. "No," he brought his hand up to stroke through the left side of Dean's hair, "no you're not." Dean looked at Cas' face as he watched his own hand on Dean's head. "Like the fact that you like the way these clothes look on me." Dean looked to his face again and instead of looking away his eyes drifted downwards. And lingered. "See?"

Dean sighed and let go of his toothbrush to lean fully on the sink. "Dammit." If he had looked back up he would have seen Cas smirk a little. When Dean spoke again the brush bobbed in his mouth with each word. "I saw you that night, you and Lydia," that's where Cas' smile fell away, "When me and..." he lifted his head and removed the brush with his right hand trying to remember her name, "uh, that chick," Cas took a labored but silent inhale, the mere mention of it all making them both uncomfortable, "when we were trying to find our room I saw you two through the window."

Cas' hand fell slowly and Dean let it. "And?" Dean turned to look at him.

"And I saw you carry her to," he stuttered, "to the bed, kiss her and fall down on top of it. On top of her."

"How did you feel?" Cas leaned his left hand on the sink to look at Dean more. "Me, I was angry. I did what I thought I should do because I saw you and Rachel and..." he inhaled. "I wanted it to be me. Did it... Did it hurt?" Cas chanced, feeling awful because he didn't want Dean to hurt but he wanted Dean to feel for him the way he did about the hunter.

Dean just nodded, very slowly.

Dean looked up and saw Cas' eyes water. "Yeah Cas, it hurt. I felt numb, I didn't understand why at the time but I know now and it wasn't because I wanted it to be me, 'cause I didn't." Cas tilted his head to his left and tensed his brow, not understanding, his tears started to abate with the distraction. "I wanted this," Dean dropped the brush into the sink and reached his right hand on top of Cas' left as it rested on the sink, "I wanted this for us." Cas relaxed and smiled. "I uh," Dean turned properly towards Cas, "I need you to know that I..." He paused, wiping his mouth quickly and looked to the side smiling a little, "it might not always seem like it but I do feel  _strongly..._  for you, Cas." Cas smiled and Dean laughed bashfully, rubbing the back of his neck while looking down. "That sounded better in my head."

Cas used his left hand to pull Dean's hand away from the back of his neck and Dean looked up. "Sounds pretty good to me." He pulled Dean towards him for a kiss and Dean's hands settled on Cas' hips.

Dean was scared, well more anxious, maybe more than Castiel, but they both knew that that was all it was - nerves. They both wanted this, Castiel had thought about it for a few days and Dean had thought about it for a few seconds but both knew one-hundred percent.

It still made them both inhale and then close their eyes when they kissed. Dean bent his fingers a little and dragged them up from Cas' hips so that they tucked under the t-shirt he was wearing, it was then that Dean stopped them kissing and lightly bumped his forehead against Cas', Cas opened his eyes to see Dean keeping his firmly closed and that worry and embarrassment wrinkle on his brow.

"Cas, do you know what we...  _I_  do?" It came out in a low rasp, as all of Dean's vulnerable moments do. Cas didn't miss the infliction of the 'I' or that it was more two questions than one.

What was it they did? And, was Cas okay with Dean's... preference?

Strangely this was one of the few times that Cas knew more than Dean. God bless Google and porn.

Cas nodded, answering both questions, then took a couple of steps backwards before taking Dean's right hand in his left to pull him through with him into the main room. Cas let his hand go in the middle of it as he walked to close the curtains and then lock the door, Dean took a few more steps after him. The room suddenly had this blue hue all over as the light tried to get through the fabric into the air. Cas picked up the bag from the table as he walked towards Dean, he threw it ahead of him to the floor next to the bed as he approached.

Dean slowly pealed Cas' t-shirt over his head and then, using his index fingers to tug at the belt loops on the jeans that Cas was wearing, pulled him towards him. Dean hadn't looked away from Cas' lips since the t-shirt was lost to the floor and he found himself resting his top teeth on the right side of his bottom lip. Things may have happened kind of fast for the both of them but they were in no real rush right then. No more than their bodies could take anyway. They tilted their heads, their noses poked the other's cheek and lips lightly touched before their tongues sponged together. They kept kissing as Dean slowly sat down, as he did so Cas bent over, not quite at the same speed as him to avoid bumping and his hands came out to rest on the bed, then followed Dean as he moved up towards the headboard. Cas crawled up the bed a step behind him and the denim pulled at his hips each time his knees rested on the mattress.

Cas pinched the sides of Dean's t-shirt between his thumbs and index finger then used his other fingers to gather the fabric into his hands, Dean leaned forward to sit up and Cas sat up on his knees to let him. Dean put his arms around Cas' waist and placed his hands on his bum to steady him briefly before he had to let go for Cas to pull his top up over his head, Cas wobbled on the bed a little. As he threw it to the floor Dean replaced his arms and hands around Cas and kissed his stomach, his left hand hooked around the top of Cas' inner thigh. Cas stopped where he was and watched, closing his eyes to take in the feeling of the warm lips and tongue on his skin, the licks going cold against him almost immediately after being abandoned by Dean's lips. He kissed from just above Cas' jeans at his right over his stomach and Cas had to lift his left arm when Dean turned his head to kiss his side.

"What are you doing?" Cas smiled.

Dean answered in between kissing up his ribs, his hands were feeling their way around Cas' back and ass. "Kissing. You. What. Does. It." Dean had stretched as far as he could so he kissed back across Cas' stomach. "Look. Like." Dean turned his head the other way to look up at Cas and smiled as he stuck his tongue out to lick a patch of skin in between words. "From. Up. There." He moved his left hand and used it to push Cas' button undone, the force of the position sending the zipper down on its own.

" _Lust,_ " Cas breathed the answer as he felt the relief.

Dean pulled back and Cas leaned down to get closer to him. "Is that right?"

"Yes." Cas put his weight forward as Dean let him gradually push them backwards on the bed.

"Oh, really?" Dean smiled back.

Cas laughed. "Yeah." They kissed again just before Dean's head hit the pillow. Dean pulled at the side of Cas' pants and Cas shimmied his legs this way and that trying to help shake them off. It ending up with Dean sitting them up a little again and Cas shifting his weight from one leg to the other until they were finally lost to, well they could be anywhere outside the bubble they were in on the bed.

Dean stopped them and just spoke, both looking at each other's lips, their faces mere centimeters from each other, "I think it might be a little more than that."

Cas just let Dean move his head and kiss Cas' neck. He wasn't sure if Dean was being serious or if it was just the way this had gone but he paused a second and decided it was best to let that slide. One thing at a time.

Dean was moving weird and Cas came back to himself, he moved back to see what Dean's right arm was doing. "What are you doing?"

Dean was huffing and trying to pull the covers out from underneath him. He gave up and sighed as he looked up at Cas. They both started laughing.

"This was supposed to be smooth." Dean spoke through laughing. "This is just awkward and all over the place."

"Aren't we always?" Dean lifted his eyebrows and closed his eyes in agreement, smiling. Cas let his head fall forward into Dean's neck and they just laughed for a few seconds, holding each other. Cas inhaled and stopped laughing. "Do you want to stop?" He spoke it into Dean's neck and when Dean pushed his shoulder further into the bed and looked down he pulled back to look him in the eyes.

"Nope." Dean reached with his right hand over his own head and grabbed the corner of the bedsheet, he then flipped Cas over to his own right side so that he was on top of Cas and the sheet was wrapped around his back and right side. Cas got a little shock until he looked up at Dean who smirked and moved his hand behind his head, back to his right side, to lay the sheet in a bundle next to them. Cas then caught on and flipped them both the way they had just came, onto the now uncovered side of the bed.

Cas pulled the cover over his back to cover them and they shuffled more into the middle of the bed. "That was smoother." Cas smiled.

"Thank you." Dean laughed. "Not my best but I'm a little distracted." He reached up to kiss Cas and cup his jaw with his hands.

"Tell me," Cas mumbled in between kisses, "about it." He ground into Dean and made them both moan. With all of the kerfuffle they had all but neglected anything loaded, concentrating on kissing, stripping, kissing, shimmying and kissing. Now it was all about-

"Cas..." Dean managed to breath which made them part. He shook his head and Cas didn't understand but he was taking a breath before he spoke. "Not okay with these." He pinged Cas' boxers and Cas kissed him again.

"Stop talking," Cas muttered and Dean flipped them under the covers, Cas pulling them back over Dean's shoulders.

"Fine," Dean said and he disappeared into the darkness, Cas felt some movement from Dean under the covers and then he felt his underwear being pulled down, he moved his feet to help get rid of them. Cas gasped when Dean went down on him, not expecting it at all, and he pulled the covers up to try and look, Dean looked up and then back to what he was doing.

"When I said stop ta-" He was cut off with Dean coming back up and out of the covers to kiss him, it took him a second or two to realize where that tongue had just been but by then he didn't care. He closed his eyes again and ran his fingers in Dean's hair.

They started grounding into each other, and it was then that Cas noticed Dean had lost his underwear too, and their kissing became louder, half-finished messes with more breathing and moaning than actual contact. Cas reached his left hand to Dean's right as it rested on his side and guided it slowly down, when Dean grabbed his erection Cas forgot himself for a second. "No." Dean stopped the movement in his hand as Cas took the time to swallow. "Further."

Dean caught on and then paused. "Don't we use...?"

"Oh." Cas rolled his eyes at himself and pointed off the side of the bed.

Dean twisted his upper body and rested his left elbow on the bed to grab the bag with his right. Cas' right hand ran down his side, his left trapped under Dean, as they took a second to compose themselves. Cas exhaled and looked at Dean's face; his forehead shiny with sweat and his lips plump with the kissing while his skin felt humid under his fingers. Dean moved back, dumped the bag on the bed beside them fishing out the lube, grabbed the tab in his teeth and ripped the wrapper off. Cas took it from him and squeezed some onto Dean's hand then dropped it near him. Dean moved his hand under the cover again and used his wrist, bending his hand away from Cas, to nudge Cas' leg which he then bent. Cas was nervous, of course, this wasn't going to be all sweetness and light but it'd be worth it. And it was Dean.

"Ready?" Dean looked up to Cas and their eyes met - this was it, no going back.

The angel and the hunter crossing that line, as if they hadn't crossed a few already and just who was which again? Dean might not have wings but Cas wasn't exactly a stranger to a salt line either.

Cas nodded and it started.

One finger.

Cas felt his inner muscles protest and Dean pause but he hummed and encouraged Dean to move, to continue, don't back out now.

Two.

Cas' mouth opened, his hips lowered and his grip loosened. Dean moved slowly in and out and steadily it became less painful and more uncomfortable, less 'just keep going' and more 'don't stop'. Dean was looking from Cas' face to the direction of what he was doing. And just what was he doing again? He was... He swallowed. He was stretching and, essentially, fingering Cas. And he was leaking himself at the mere sight. Cas' face had gone from mild pain to slight discomfort mixed with pleasure.

Cas pushed Dean's wrist down and Dean removed his fingers, looking to Cas for an indication of what was wrong. "Did I hurt you?"

Cas shook his head and pointed with his left hand to the bag, catching his breath. "Now." Shit, Dean didn't have to be told twice. He wiped his fingers on the bed underneath the covers and leaned over. Cas leaned up and kissed Dean's neck, Dean found the wrapper and closed his eyes. Just how the hell was he supposed to do this? To last?

"Whoa!" Dean almost yelped and bucked his hips away from Cas as he wrapped his hand around Dean's cock. "Don't." Cas' face which was confusion and worry - as well being completely turned on. It wasn't until he blew out an audible breath and looked to the wrapper as he opened it that Cas realized what he meant. "I don't think," Dean sat up a bit to put it on and take a second, "you know," he tossed the wrapper to the side and kissed Cas, pushing him back onto the mattress, "what you do to me."

"Then show me." Cas kissed Dean and bit his lip playfully to which Dean chuckled low in his throat. He reached down and positioned himself.

Cas didn't know about the proper way to stretch so there was more discomfort than there should have been for the both of them at first and it took a while for them to get seated properly. A shift here, a centimeter or two there, sweat surfacing, hands everywhere, needy and reassuring all at once - another shuffle, another half an inch, more body heat, deliberate breaths and little laughs when Dean looked up to Cas' face. When their hips eventually met they stopped to kiss and Cas brought his hand up to Dean's face while Dean's left fell to beside Cas' head. Cas' let his hand slowly run down Dean's side again, which was warmer and sweatier from trying to get inside without hurting each other and he put a little pressure on Dean's hip bone with his palm to tell him to move and he did. They were both already wound so tightly that their breathing immediately kick-started into heavy and labored.

Cas let Dean move on his own first, their lips gradually being unable to stay together through moans and warm breath, Dean's right hand hooked under Cas' knee and pulled his leg up which he wrapped around the back of Dean's leg. Hot, damp skin rubbing on hot, damp skin while Dean thrust in and out, digging his fingers gradually harder into Cas' leg. Cas' arms couldn't stay still, they were on Dean, they were up to brace on the headboard, then under the pillow then back in Dean's hair - kissing having long been abandoned as just not possible without knocking teeth out.

Breathing mixed with moaning and then there was a mess of _God, Dean_  and _Damn, Cas_ thrown in. Dean thrust in and Cas bucked up, their hips meeting and causing a build up of almost painful passion. Like they would never be close enough for long enough. There was a not so steady increase in speed from Dean and Cas followed with his own hips. Dean could feel the speckles of heat from all around his pelvis pull together and swirl.

"Cas, I'm-I'm..." Cas just nodded in reply and reached for himself, Dean let go of his leg, leaving a yellow mark which slowly turned to red, and waved Cas' hand away. Cas reached for Dean's shoulder and chest again but when Dean's hand closed around him he gripped on and then let it fall to the bed.

"Dean..." Cas' eyes screwed up with the intensity and Dean looked up.

"'kay?" Was all Dean could get out in between dry breaths which was his way of asking if Cas was okay, fearing that he would hurt him.

Cas nodded and then felt it happen: the sudden heat, searing in a way that was too much but he never wanted to stop and his eye lids fluttered as he came in Dean's hand. He rode it out, moaning and mumbling Dean's name, closing his eyes properly as his hips rolled and his whole body followed Dean's hand and movements. Dean felt the combination of Cas' gyration, the spasms of his muscles inside around his own cock and Cas between need to reach for him and being completely unable to, moaning his name. Dean sped up a fraction then slowed into a rhythm as he came too.

When they stopped they both looked at each other, breathing heavy and smiled, a little laugh escaped from both of them and Dean slowly moved his right hand outwards. He wiped it as best as he could on the bed.

Cas figured out what was he was going to do and put his hands on Dean's chest. "Don't you dare!" Dean pushed down and eventually Cas' arms gave way letting Dean's weight fall onto him. And the mess between them. Dean's face planted into the pillow beside Cas' and then turned to look at him. Dean's right hand slipped along the covers and under Cas' shoulder underneath the pillow and Cas brought his hand up to Dean's shoulder. "You're disgusting," Cas muttered as his eyes shut. Their breathing could still be heard in the now embarrassingly quiet room.

Dean smirked and then pecked Cas' cheek. "No, I'm exhausted." He sighed and kissed Cas' cheek again. Cas turned his head and opened his eyes to look at Dean as his eyes closed, he leaned to touch his lips to Dean's forehead. "Hmm."

"You are not going to sleep like th-" They both 'ugh'ed as Dean slipped out.

And Dean pushed himself up onto his arms again. "Not after that I'm not." They both looked down as Dean pulled away cautiously. "Now that  _is_  disgusting." He hopped out of the bed and ran to the bathroom. When he came back a few seconds later he took a few steps in a threw a towel to Cas on the bed, holding one of his own to his abdomen. "Never let me do that again." He turned back to the bathroom.

Cas caught it. "Which part?"

He smirked as Dean popped his head back out and raised his eyebrows before smiling. "Guess."

He disappeared back into the bathroom and Cas looked down to what he was doing. He eventually stood, taking a second to wince at the pain that shot through him before it dulled, and followed Dean into the bathroom, when he got there Dean was finishing rubbing a wet flannel over his stomach and then rinsed it under the faucet, he turned and handed it to Cas. Cas stood, facing the sink, washing his stomach and Dean dried his own before standing behind Cas, looking down and pulling the condom off carefully.

He dumped it in the little trash can under the sink and then wrapped himself around Cas, kissing the right side of his neck softly and putting his left around to Cas' own left hip, the fingers resting in the hollow of them. "You okay, babe?"

"I'm sticky." Cas finished washing his stomach.

He knew what Dean was actually asking him - it wasn't just one question. He knew it was a mixture of several; the most important ones being 'That was a big step but we're okay after that, right?' which they were, 'Enjoy yourself?' which he did and a bunch of other little ones like 'How's your bum?' which he wouldn't dare voice. No sane person would, or even write them down.Cas gently dropped the flannel into the sink and turned on the spot to face Dean, letting him step closer to him.

"Yeah, I'm better than okay." He smiled and Dean kissed him. "Are you okay?"

"Better than." Dean smiled back.

What neither of them seemed to consider was just how long this whole thing had taken, they were so wrapped up in each other - as they should have been - that they failed to consider something: the clock on the wall in the main room read nearly noon, so where in hell was Sam?


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *sing together* Uh-oh! Sam's in trouble, something's come along and burst their bubble! *repeat until you hate me*

The boys ended up in a shower, the flannel not satisfying Cas in his need to be clean. Had it not been a cramped and grimy motel shower then the odds of something else happening between them would have been almost one hundred, even considering how spent they were, but it just wasn't that feasible so instead they kissed, they caressed and they washed. And when they got out they almost slipped. It then occurred to them that there was now only one clean towel so Dean dried himself as best he could, and then handed the towel to Cas while he stepped back into the main room to find clothes.

Cas patted himself down quickly and then followed him, by the time he got there Dean was pulling on his jeans and Cas sighed. "Stupid suit." He huffed and walked over to the chair to get his FBI number.

Dean smiled and then reached down to get his t-shirt. "Is that offer of breakfast still open?"

Cas nodded. "Well, is it still breakfast or...?" He pulled his boxers on as Dean looked at his watch, then his face tensed. "What is it?"

"It's passed midday." He hooked the t-shirt over his head and walked to the table.

"So we have lunch then?" Cas watched him pick up his cell, look at it then dial with one hand while he shoved his left arm in the shirt. Cas shuffled into his trousers watching Dean put the phone to his ear. "Dean?"

"I haven't heard from Sam all night. Or this morning." It rang out. "Something must be wrong." He grunted as the phone dialed out and he switched hands to put his other arm in the sleeve.

Cas finished doing up his trousers and then shoved his shirt on buttoning it up. "Well, he must have gone home with someone we'll find him."

"I saw him last night, with a chick, coming back over here. He had a room at the end but he would have knocked or called by now. Come on, Sam!" He growled when the phone rang out again and wedged it between his ear and shoulder leaning down to find his shoes.

Cas sped up and found his own shoes, pulling them on quicker than Dean and gathering their stuff.

"Sam, when you get this call me," Dean said then dumped his phone on the bed and pulled his shoes on.

"He'll be fine. Calm down, babe." Cas reached out for Dean's face and was silenced when Dean spoke.

"Don't." Cas lowered his hand, Dean's jaw was stiff and his whole body in hunter mode. He tucked his gun into his pants and grabbed his jacket.

Cas paused. "Dean, I'm only trying to-"

He was silenced once more when Dean quickly stepped into his space, and not in a good way. "I know what you were only trying to do but my brother is missing. I told him I would never put anything before him and we were so busy having s-" He stopped himself mid-way through making a face as if the whole thing disgusted him as he pointed and looked to the bed. Cas took a step back, the two things together making Cas' stomach crush into bile and hurt. "This is what happens when it's not me and him." He snatched his keys from Cas who let him and headed out the door.

Cas looked to the bed feeling like he had just woken up from a dream into a nightmare. As if he had been in his djinn-induced state this whole time and now he had emerged into a different kind of poison. He heard Dean shouting on Sam, that particular infliction in his voice that only happened when Sam was in danger and Cas wanted to run. He wanted run out, get in his car and drive until he couldn't drive anymore. Until he had to pull over because he couldn't see through the tears or when he needed to give in and retch at the side of the road. But he didn't and he couldn't because no matter what, Sam was his friend. He looked around to make sure they had everything and then followed Dean outside, his suit jacket over his arm.

Dean was walking back across the parking lot from the far end of the complex. "He's not in there, the manager said a guy dropped off the key. Tall, dark hair and tattoo." He indicated the Impala. "He wouldn't dare hot-wire my baby, no matter what so that doesn't mean he's still here."

Cas didn't say anything, just looked at the ground as he tried to think and tried not to cry.

Dean's right hand was rubbing in his hair and he was rambling. "The chick had dark hair, she was shorter than him but then who isn't?" He looked up to Cas to see him close to tears. "Cas, listen-"

He lowered his right hand and reached from Cas' arm, the hand of it on his hip. When Dean's hand came into contact with Cas' wrist he let go of his hip and flicked it to shake Dean off. Dean just let him and paused the way he was, hand shoved back into the space between them. "Sam's phone should have GPS," Cas started. "But he was the one who knew how to do all of that."

"Cas, look at me," Dean tried again. Grabbing at Cas' wrists, Cas kept pulling away, trying to talk and refusing to look at him.

Cas put both his hands out, his jacket slipped to the ground between them, looked to Dean and pushed him away. "No!" Dean stumbled back and watched as the tears finally fell from Cas' eyes when he shouted. He spoke again but at a normal level. "No, we need to find Sam. I don't want to listen, I don't want to look at you and I don't want you to touch me." Dean stood there just looking at what he had done. The pain he could inflict in one moment of panic. Cas inhaled, sniffed and then wiped his face. "I'll try Garth." He pulled out his phone, bent to pick up his jacket and walked back to the hotel room.

>><<

"Alright, thanks." Dean hung up the phone and stepped forward in the room to hold it out to Cas who was sitting on one of the chairs at the table. "The GPS in Sam's phone isn't working. Been turned off." Cas nodded and raised his hand to take the phone without looking up. "What now?"

"Where would Sam have gone? I don't understand this." Cas sighed and rubbed his face, he wasn't just talking about Sam's disappearance. Dean put his hand out to rest reassuringly on Cas' shoulder but he just moved his shoulder away and Dean sighed before turning around.

"I can't just sit here, we need to do something." Dean grabbed his keys and the motel room key then headed for the door, he opened it and paused to look at Cas who hadn't moved. "So now you won't even come with me? I thought you wanted to find Sam." Dean scoffed and headed out the door.

Cas stood and caught it before it closed behind him. "Don't dare question me!" He shouted after Dean. When Dean didn't answer and kept walking Cas followed him, his face in a scowl, his strides large, deliberate and quick. He pulled Dean's shoulder so that he would look at him.

"So  _now_  we're touching?" Dean scowled back as he stopped and turned to face Cas in the middle of the parking lot a few steps away from the car.

"You don't get to question my sincerity, Dean. Out of the two of us I am the only one who has meant everything I have said and..." He caught himself mid-shout and stopped, speaking lower but still louder than normal. "Done." Dean made to talk and Cas shoved him at the shoulder, he took a step back and then took it forward again just as quick. Ready. "I'm not making this about us so don't you even try it because you are the only one in the wrong here." He took another step to Dean and snarled as he spoke. "Again." As he stepped back his face fell from anger to sheer pain and Dean heard the echoes of Cas sobbing in the bathroom after kissing Dean the first time. After Dean pushed him from the cliff.

There was a barking to the side and they both turned to look, only Dean showed recognition. A German Sheppard jogged towards them, Cas tensed up but it circled Dean, its tongue hanging out, before stopping in front of him. Dean looked to see the dog, twisting a little to look. "Tracy, what-" Cas looked to Dean who walked around him and back to towards the room, talking to the dog. "Get in here." Cas then followed Dean and the dog into the room completely confused but knowing by now to go with it. He walked in to see Dean grab the sheet from the bed, their bed, and open it in his hands effectively hiding the dog from view and looked to Cas as he shut the door then avoided eye contact. "This better be good, Tracy, I'm busy."

Cas watched as a bare-chested man stood up and reached for the sheet to wrap around his waist, turns out his chest wasn't the only bare thing. He was ripped and had brushes of hair over his chest and abdomen. He looked to Dean, who let him take the sheet and looked down at the floor. "It's about Sam." He looked to Cas and smiled. "Hi."

"What about Sam?" Dean turned back to Tracy, a little miffed. "Do you know where he is?"

Cas was standing there, completely and utterly numb - what the hell was going on? Sam was missing, Dean didn't want him and Tracy was a skinwalker who was smiling at him and connected to Sam's disappearance.

"Victor and his mutts, they've got him." He tucked the cover around him and scratched behind his ear closing his eyes.

"Why?" Dean screwed up his brow and shook his head in confusion.

"Dean, come on man. You shot his brother, he took yours." Cas was beginning to see that there was a lot that had happened while he was driving from the base to Alabama that he didn't know about.

"He bit me?!" Dean pointed down and lifted his foot. "He had his teeth-"

"I know!" Tracy put his hand on Dean's shoulder who stopped talking and exhaled. "Come on, I know where they are. Besides the smell of sex in here is suffocating me." He winked at Cas as he changed back into the German Sheppard, the sheet pooling on the floor and walked to the door. He then turned and looked at Cas.

"Oh." Cas leaned and opened the door again, Tracy licked his hairy lips and then trotted out towards the Impala. Cas didn't even look back, he didn't ask anything he just followed the dog into the parking lot.

Dean stopped, inhaled and then exhaled, pushing it down. "Dumbass," he mumbled to himself knowing that the word wasn't strong enough. He looked to the bed and then swooped down to pick up the sheet. He stared at it for a second, tossed it to the bed and rushed out the door.

When he got into the car he looked to the passenger seat to see Tracy sitting there and looked back at Cas staring out the window wiping his face.

_Dumbass._

>><<

They pulled up to a house on 6th Street West opposite Memorial Park and Dean stopped the car. The lights were off inside but dogs can see in the dark.

Tracy whined and Dean turned.

"No, we've been through this, I am not having your bare junk touching my seats." The dog whined again. "Should have dragged the sheet with you." He glanced back to Cas who looked away from them and Dean rolled his eyes as he turned to look at the house. "Are you going to have my back in there," he turned back to Cas, "or will you be too busy avoiding my eye line?"

Cas turned, fire in his eyes. "What did I say about questioning me?"

The dog looked between them and then nudged at the door. Dean leaned forward and put his arm across the German Sheppard's body looking at him. "Scratch this car and I will drop you off at the vet." He growled and Dean raised his eyebrows before pointing to him with his right hand. Tracy leaned forward and licked his face so Dean pushed him off. "Stop it." Cas opened the car door and stopped himself slamming it behind him.

Tracy turned his head, tilting it questioningly. "Just me screwing up anything good in my life." He opened the door. "Again."

Tracy hopped out and Dean followed, walking around to the trunk of the car where Cas was stood expectantly. Dean opened it and looked to Cas as he did so, they just stared for a minute before they looked away equally pissed off.

Cas looked over at the park before Dean held out a gun for him, when Cas didn't notice he sighed. "Cas, what are you looking at?"

Cas turned back, all anger gone from his face, he had that look of slight misunderstanding he often had and that Dean found amazing. For a second or two Dean forgot everything and a smile threatened at the edge of his face but then he remembered what he had done.

"Listen," Cas whispered.

Dean went silent, shaking his head in question but then Tracy's head turned and Dean listened harder.

There was a low growl in the distance and Tracy looked to the pair who shared a look, everything was dropped - all hurt and all anger. Cas grabbed the gun, they took off across the road and around the lake to the left towards a little area beside the water. That's where the noise had come from and that's where Tracy led them to. It was nowhere near getting dark but there was a dull afternoon light over the place, the sun nowhere to be seen in the sky.

There Dean and Cas came across a group of men, to anyone else it might look like a group of guys hanging out or even planning something but that wasn't the case. It was two groups with Sam in a bundle on the floor in the middle, as if he had just fallen there on his back.

"Sam!" Dean shouted as he ran towards his brother but one of the men on his side put his arm out to stop Dean. It was then that the newcomers realized there was guns drawn. All pointing in different directions. One man on the other side, average height, average build, dark hair with grey through it and white blue eyes had a gun pointed at Sam while the rest were all pointed across at the other side. "Touch him and I swear-" Dean made for him but Cas wrapped his arm around Dean's front from the back.

By the look of Sam however, they had already touched him, hit, punched, kicked and bit him. There was blood dripping from his mouth, drying into his clothes at the shoulder, leg, neck and stomach as well as a few bruises that were still coming up.

"I'm alright, Dean," Sam mumbled as he wiped his mouth, clearly he had been a hit recently.

"You don't get to talk to me, Winchester!" Victor re-aimed the gun at Sam, who put his hands up, and the rest of the guys re-aimed their own guns at each other. "You kill my brother, I kill yours. It's only fair."

"I didn't mean it!" Dean shouted. "He was biting me and Sam was surrounded, what was I supposed to do? I defended myself so that I could help my brother, what would you have done?"

"What do you think I'm doing?" Victor took a step towards Dean, snarling and sniffing in his face. "Tell me, Dean." He walked away a step. "If I was to kill your brother," he aimed his gun at Sam again and everyone steadied their aim, "right here, right now." He smiled and padded his feet on the ground where he was. "How long would it be before you tried to put a bullet in my brain?"

"I'd have aimed my gun at your head before the bullet even hit him." Dean growled back and Sam looked up to Dean's face. He meant every word.

Victor laughed. "In this situation, suicide mission."

Dean just raised his eyebrows slightly to show he didn't care. "It's only fair."

Victor laughed again knowing himself now that Dean meant it. "You know, you would fit in well with us, Dean. You have that whole..." he looked in the air for the right word, "instinct thing going on."

"No thanks, I'm done chasing tail." Dean came out with quicker than his brain could remind him that he had mucked that up too. Cas looked to him slightly before he looked back to Victor. He turned his head to Cas, saw their way out out of the corner of his eye but he didn't react. "I'm good Cas, you can let go." Cas paused. "You don't  _have_  to but you know," he turned back to Victor, "it'll be easier to kick his ass."

Cas didn't have a clue what was going on but he slowly let his hands leave Dean's body and Victor smirked. "Don't think he wanted to."

Dean waited. "I didn't want him to either." Dean turned fully to Cas, his back to Victor, Sam thought back to the djinn. "I'm sorry." Cas frowned, surely this wasn't the place to have this discussion. But Dean pushed him to the his right, Cas fell to the ground while the gun slipped to the dirt beside him, and then Dean took a step back so that the path was clear when Tracy jumped out from behind where Cas had been stood and tackled Victor to the ground, guns were dropped and men turned on the spot to dogs. Tracy wrestled with Victor the Alaskan Malamute. A Jack Russell Terrier was having a good go at a Dachshund. Two French Bulldogs rounded on an Airedale Terrier. And Sam just squinted at the Doberman which was more interested in the pug dancing around it, too interested to notice when the Bull Terrier tackled it and Sam scrambled to his feet.

Sam, Cas and Dean met in the middle of the dogs where Sam had been lying and looked at each other before turning their backs on each other, ready for any threat. "Now what?" Sam asked.

Cas opened his mouth but couldn't think as Sam bent down to pick up a gun. Tracy barked at the trio and then was distracted by the paws of the Doberman as it almost took out the Bull Terrier and made for him.

"Don't have to tell me twice." Sam bolted.

"Yeah." Dean ran after him. Some of the dogs raised their heads when Dean pulled at Cas' shirt and they made a run for the car but then they were either growled at or tackled.

They got to the car and Cas jumped in the back, shoving his jacket along the seat, before the brothers jumped in the front. The car sped away up the road back towards the motel.

Cas looked over his shoulder. "Are we just going to leave him there?" He exhaled.

"Yeah." Sam then looked to him, screwed up his brow and looked to Dean. "You didn't tell him?"

Dean shook his head. "Tell me what?" Cas looked to Sam, not at Dean.

"What have you been-" Sam started to ask Dean but he shot Sam a glance and Cas looked away a little. "Don't want to know," Sam shook his head, "don't want to know."

"Tell me what?" Cas asked. Sam sighed and Dean opened his mouth. "Sam." Cas finished looking at the youngest Winchester.

Sam glanced at Dean who tightened his hand on the wheel and concentrated on driving. He wasn't welcome in this conversation.

"We investigated the walkers, turns out the priest and his family, they were a group who moved from Kentucky to the neighborhood." He wiped his hand through his hair and turned further around in his seat, both of them tightened their grips as they turned a corner. "The priest had been part of one of those sects we came across when I didn't have my soul, they picked up people from the street and turned them so that they could later turn their families?" Cas nodded. "Well, this guy he liked his family too, one day they're attacked and it all came out, the kidnappers they put the dog in a cage upstairs but he could hear his family screaming so he changed, opened the cage and didn't think about changing back before he ran down, saved them all."

Dean shifted impatiently in his seat. "Get to the point, Sammy."

Cas didn't even flinch or look over, didn't even acknowledge him. "Long story short there was a standoff like the one we had and the family got turned."

"By him?" Cas asked.

"No, by the gang. So they fled to Alabama, changed their names and lived a normal life. People, others like them, they heard the story and find them, I don't know how, maybe they can sense it on each other but they flocked to him like packs do I suppose. Then the sect came looking. They killed him and all hell broke loose, that's where we wandered in completely unaware of the fact we were stepping right into the middle of it all and just got caught in the crossfire. We were chasing the Alaskan Malamutes from an attack on Eric, uh the Bull Terrier?" Cas thought back but Sam kept going. "They jumped us, all of the sect dogs, well they jumped  _me,_ clearly sensing I was the biggest threat..." Sam glanced to Dean clearly expecting some kind of back and forth and then to Cas looking for at least a smirk and got neither. "What... is going on?"

"Victor's brother bit my leg to keep me away, I shot him and you know the rest," Dean said quickly aiming it to Cas. Then he spoke to Sam. "That chick you were with last night?"

"Victor's cousin; she set it up," Dean nodded, "they jumped me, been in their house by the park since last night," Sam rushed it out, "I asked what's going on with you two?"

Cas sat back in his seat. "I'm sorry we weren't there for you Sam, we should have been." Dean raised his eyebrows and looked back to Cas. "It won't happen again." Cas turned and looked out the window.

Sam looked at Dean and raised his own eyebrows but lowered them to worry when Dean just looked back to the road as they pulled into the motel.


	21. Chapter 21

The three of them got out of the Impala, the brothers walked passed Cas' car but Cas stopped.

"I'm going to-" He gestured to the car.

Sam, holding a bloody rag to his face, and Dean both stopped to look at him. Sam turned to Dean who just inhaled and nodded slowly at Cas. "Why?" Sam asked Cas but he was talking to them both. Why was Cas leaving, what had he missed and why was Dean letting him?

"Leave it, Sam." Dean looked up to Sam with thinly veiled pain, Sam could see it - he could always see it. "You can still call us if you need anything." Dean smiled wearily at Cas trying not to let it show, trying not to choke on his own words. Cas wouldn't call even if he had to. And Dean wouldn't blame him.

Cas nodded and turned to Sam. "I'm sorry that we put you in danger." Dean sighed looking at the ground, this was all his fault, everything.

Sam looked briefly to Dean and then back to Cas. "Cas-" He started and then changed his mind so he shook his head. "It's like a hundred degrees, at least get out of that suit." Cas looked down at himself, FBI attire the same as what he had hastily pulled on that morning and ran after Sam in. "Do you still have your other..." Sam trailed off as Dean walked away.

To anyone else it might have looked like Dean was getting impatient, like he was done with goodbyes, like he was bored. But no, he turned away to hide his tearful eyes, pained expression and the fact he was biting his top lip to stop himself from saying anything and everything to make Cas stay. He walked towards the motel room, if Cas was going Dean needed him to go now for his own sanity, Sam was dragging it out and it just felt like someone was twisting the knife. Prolonging the pain.

"I have my other clothes but-" Cas started.

"Just come in and get changed, Cas. Please?" Sam's brow dipped into a sorry plea.

Cas nodded and opened the car door, he got his clothes in a bundle and followed Sam inside. Sam got to the door and put his left hand back to let Cas step in before him, his right hand placed on the door itself. When Cas stepped inside he saw Dean sitting on the chair at the table with its back to the door, Cas walked quickly into the bathroom and Sam closed the door behind him.

"What's going on, Dean?" Sam kept his voice lowered as he reached to drop the rag in the trash can.

"Sam," Dean warned and the room fell silent again. He swigged his beer and waited.

Cas pulled off his clothes and shoved his _AC/DC_ t-shirt on, jeans, Chelsea boots and leather jacket before pulling his other clothes into a bundle in his arms and walking out of the bathroom. When he did Dean walked passed him into the kitchen area and Sam was still stood at the door. He turned on the spot and locked it.

"What are you doing?" Cas asked and an image or two popped into his head. Kissing and shuffling. Dean seemed to be thinking the same thing as he lowered his eyes a second and then looked back to Sam, over Cas' shoulder, as he then took a few steps forward, still holding his beer.

"I did not go through the trauma of your shower adventures," Dean and Cas shifted uncomfortably, "for you two to be childish now. It's not funny, Dean!" Sam and Cas looked to Dean who was trying not to laugh.

"I'm sorry!" Dean put his hand up and spoke to Sam. "I know, it's not." He and Cas glanced at each other and a smile threatened Cas' face. Dean cleared his throat when Cas turned back to face Sam. "I know."

"I'm sick of this." Sam pointed to Cas. " _You_  are going to stop running away," he pointed to Dean, " _you_  are going to stop whatever it is that you're doing that makes him run away," he pointed to Cas again, " _you_  are going to talk to him," back to Dean, " _you_  are going to talk to  _him_ ," back to Cas. "And you  _both_  are going to sit here until you sort it out."

"Sam-" They both began.

"No." Sam took a step towards Cas and took his bundle of clothes, shoved them on the bed and pointed to the table. "Sit." No one moved. He looked to them both. "I said sit!" he shouted.

"Sam, don't get involved." Dean wiped his forehead and walked towards the table. "Cas can leave if he wants, no one is forcing him to stay. It's better if he goes."

Cas looked to Dean, not really expecting those words; they grazed him, stinging and constant. "Is that how you really feel?" Cas whispered.

Dean paused. "Yes."

Cas nodded and Sam sighed. He wasn't going to force his brother to fix it, he was trying to push them to do something that they both wanted but were too stubborn to. But if Dean wanted Cas to go then he would step aside and let him. Which he did. Cas walked towards the door and unlocked it.

When he opened it Dean said it, he wasn't going to but he knew he would hate himself forever if he didn't, "I never mean to do it." Cas stopped and turned. "I always do it, hurt people, without meaning to." He shrugged, eyes shining and not from happiness. "Just know that I never meant it."

Cas looked out the door and then sighed, he dropped his hand from the door handle and Sam knew. He walked passed Cas and out the door, closing it behind him. Cas turned, took off his jacket to put over the seat and walked to the empty chair, the one Dean had originally been sat in. He dropped the jacket over the back of it, then put his right hand over it as he stepped to sit down.

"Tell me." He sat and waited, Dean didn't say anything. "Dean, I was going because I thought that's what you wanted. Is it?"

Dean hesitated, looked out the window and bit his lip before shaking his head. He looked back to Cas. "No."

"Then tell me." Cas sat back in his chair.

"You and Sam both say I don't tell people what I mean or what I want to say enough." He nodded, his eyes already hot around the edges. He tried to reason with himself, why was he so upset? Was it adrenaline from Sam being in trouble, was it because Cas was leaving? Or was it that Cas was leaving because he hurt him? "I know that's true but look what happens when I do open my mouth. Did you ever wonder why me and Sam only ever pursue any kind of normal life when the other one is dead or in Hell or in Purgatory?" Cas didn't answer. "It's because then there is nothing to lose, there is no one to be checked up on there is no one to go missing and there is no one to slip our minds."

"Dean, you looked disgusted." Cas sat forward as Dean screwed up his forehead. "You looked like us having sex was the worst thing that could have happened in the world. Like it was 'wrong'." Cas said it with a little exhale and looked down.

Dean pulled his chair towards Cas so that he was right in front of him. "Cas look at me." Cas tried to pull his head away but Dean used his hands to make him look up, Cas tried to push him away but Dean was choked and when Cas saw the water in his eyes it stopped him struggling, his own eyes began to fill up at the sight. That was more than a graze, that was a full blown shot to the gut. It was horrible to see. "I would _never_ be disgusted. Ever. Okay? I promise you. I...  _promise_  you. Yeah?" He raised his eyebrows waiting on Cas believing him.

_Please believe. Please._

Cas looked over his face, the tear that had fallen and the sniff that followed. Leaving need on his face, the need for him to know, to believe him. Cas nodded.

"Yeah?" Dean asked.

He nodded again.

Dean's eyes closed and he pulled Cas towards him, his head cradled in Dean's shoulder and Cas lifted his hands to hold onto Dean's left arm. "I promise you."

"Okay," Cas mumbled into his shoulder.

They cried together. Cas' was more the sobbing kind, just like in the bathroom that night, the shaking shoulders and muffled noises kind. The way a child does because the world hasn't taught it to hide its feelings yet. Dean's was the silent, tears running down his face while he 'shh'ed Cas and held him. The kind that someone learns over the years of having to smile at his brother and tell him everything will be okay and then let it all out in the shower. That's just how each of them cried.

It might be considered overkill but the whole day just hit them and, even for the warriors that they were, it had been an emotional day. They had woke up in the aftermath of last night's discussion about Dean always being there for Cas while he was dealing with being human, they had taken this huge step - both individually and as a couple - they had suddenly been faced with the situation of Sam being in trouble and the guilt of being so happy while it was all going on, then saving Sam and almost losing each other while both letting it happen.

After a good few minutes they calmed down.

"Any time," Dean and Cas broke apart to look at each other as Dean spoke, "there is any chance of something good for the both of us," he pointed to the door, "me and Sam, it either puts the other one in jeopardy or it makes our lives impossible. We can't hunt and have normal lives at the same time, but we can't stop being hunters. The both of us, we never thought we'd have normal because who would understand what we do?" He reached for Cas' hand who let him take it. "And we can't spend all of time looking after someone while we try to hunt, I mean, how can I be in Alabama hunting skinwalkers if my wife is in Kansas teaching our kid to ride a bike?"

Cas thought about that, was that Dean's idea of happiness - a wife and a kid - or had that  _been_  Dean's idea of happiness? Because he didn't fit.

"I can't do what we do and protect them too. Can I have my brother's back while I'm distracted by normal?"

Cas squeezed Dean's hand. "I guess not." He whispered. And Dean thought it was all over again, Cas wasn't going to fight or argue. He agreed, this just wasn't going to work. "But..." He paused, taking one last chance. "I understand what you do, I even do it with you sometimes. And I can protect myself, Sam can too. You have each other's backs I get that but by doing that you forget to have your own. I can't be your wife, Dean, and I can't give you a kid." He sniffed. "And I can't give you normal either." Dean let his left hand come up to Cas' face. Cas turned towards it and closed his eyes. "But I can try to give you the one thing you didn't mention." Dean shook his head a little, not knowing. "Happiness." Dean smiled. "If that's what you want?" Dean nodded. "Yes?"

"Yeah," Dean replied letting his forehead fall forward to touch Cas'. "I'm sorry. I just got so worried and angry at myself that I took it out on you."

"It's okay." Dean shook his. "Well, it's not okay but I understand. You have to let me help, to be there. I know it's usually you two but if you want me there then you have to  _let_  me be there. I can't keep fighting to be where you say you want me to be."

"I know." Dean let his hand fall again to Cas' which was still holding his other one.

Cas leaned back a bit, face completely serious. Their tears having dried a while ago they were just heated puff behind the eyes. "It's not fair, Dean." Dean nodded. "It's not." Dean pursed his lips together. "I almost left. For good." They moved to kiss but Cas stopped just before it and pulled back again. "I wasn't going to come back." Dean put his hand up to the back of Cas' head and kissed him as hard as he could.

_Stop reminding me of what I almost did._

But Cas needed to remind him. Because next time he would just go, next time he wouldn't come back, next time would be the last time.

"Everyone says I'm nothing like my dad," Cas pulled back to listen, "and it's true because he would hurt me with the things he didn't do or say and I do the opposite."

Cas sucked on his bottom lip and ran his tongue along it on the inside thinking. "Then stop." That was the only answer he could think of. Dean looked to him and he shrugged. "Just stop."

Dean smiled lightly, the weight of his actions and words still making him feel horrible. "Are we okay?" Dean looked from Cas' lips to his eyes.

Cas took a breath before he closed his eyes and nodded. "This time."

>><<

There was a knock at the door while Dean was drying himself after his shower.

"Yep?" he called.

"Hey Dea- Oh sorry!" The door had barely opened before Sam closed it again.

"Sam for God's-" Dean tried to pull the towel around himself.

"Sorry!" Sam called from the other side.

"Why did you walk in?" Dean shouted back. "Well, you can come in now!"

Sam opened the door, his face had been treated and he had different clothes on, a bandage visible poking out under his right sleeve, both of which were rolled up to his elbows. "You said 'yep'?"

"I thought you were Cas!" Dean shouted back and gestured to Cas as he stood at the kitchen counter bringing his coffee to his lips to hide his smile.

Sam turned when Dean smirked back. "It's not funny! Why do you two find it funny when you scar me for life?" Cas turned away and so did Dean so Sam sighed looking to the ceiling. "Are we going for food at all today?"

"Yeah, just let me get dressed." Sam nodded. "Are you going to watch that too or...?" Dean laughed when Sam walked away annoyed. Cas watched him plonk himself down in front of his computer again and then looked back to Dean.

Dean gestured his head and Cas shook his smiling so Dean did it again. Cas rolled his eyes and walked to the doorway. "What?"

"If you two are gonna..." Cas and Dean poked their heads out to look at Sam. "I'm going to get my own food, I'm starving."

They smiled and turned back to each other shaking their heads. Dean leaned and kissed Cas' cheek before he stepped to walk passed Cas, who turned sideways to let him, he grabbed his clothes, shooting Sam a look, and wandered back to the doorway, sliding passed Cas again kissing the same spot on his cheek. Cas exhaled a little laugh and walked back into the main room, looking over Sam's shoulder. Sam looked up to Cas as if he had been caught with something he shouldn't have. "What is an 'anime'?"

Dean poked his head out of the room and raised his eyebrows at Sam who stuttered, "No, it's his!" He pointed to Dean and Cas turned to look as he straightened up again.

"Curious Sammy?" Dean teased. "All you had to do was ask, man."

"No." Sam laughed, this was not going to be put on him. "No, come on. I opened it up-"

"It's okay to look at porn, Sam," Dean said as he leaned back into the bathroom.

"I thought it wasn't okay in a room full of guys?" Cas asked Sam and they both looked as laughter came from the bathroom.

"No, wait." Sam stood up as Cas walked towards the bathroom doorway again, looking at Dean pulling his pants on over his boxers. "You won't put this on me, Dean." He stopped beside Cas but out of line of the doorway.

"It's not like I haven't watched porn before, Sam," Cas admitted.

"Yeah, I know but that was different, that was the pizza man and I wasn't-"

"I wasn't referring to the pizza man." Cas smirked and looked to Dean who winked at him.

Sam looked between Cas and the wall, where he estimated Dean would be standing. "You know what, I don't want to know. Anime?" He pointed to the computer. "Not my thing." He pointed again. "Anime?" He pointed to the doorway. "His thing." He walked away back to the computer. "He's the weird one."

"Hey," Dean leaned over the sink looking out the doorway, "it's an art form!"

>><<

"Hungry, are we?" The waiter smirked as he took their orders.

"We haven't eaten yet today," Sam offered, a little embarrassed at the amount of food they were ordering.

"Making up for it," Dean said and flicked Cas' ear with a mischievous smile.

Cas lifted his hand to push Dean's hand away but he kept doing it so he grabbed Dean's hand which just made Dean use his other hand. "Stop!" He ended up laughing and Dean laughed too still trying to annoy him.

"Playing gooseberry?" The waiter aimed to Sam who widened his eyes and nodded. But as the waiter walked away he looked across the table at them, they were laughing and moving closer towards each other. He couldn't help but smile, not two hours ago they were going their separate ways. He took some pride in the fact that those smiles were, at least partly, his doing.

"He's staring again," Cas said.

The pair turned to look at Sam who opened his mouth to talk and then shrugged his shoulders. "It's a nice sight," he admitted and Dean's eyebrows reached for his hairline. Sam shrugged again. "Compared to this morning."

Dean and Cas' smiles fell a little and they looked at each other then guiltily anywhere else.

"Alcohol." Dean pulled out the menu and looked at it.

"Yes, alcohol." Cas got his own menu and Sam laughed at the teenagers he was babysitting before picking up his own menu.

"I'm not driving," Sam mumbled and grabbed his own menu, Dean just smirked. No one was driving tonight.

Cas went up to the bar to get the drinks but took a while choosing his own and by then Dean was teasing Sam about the anime.

"I'm telling you Sam, it's perfectly normal." Dean smirked.

"Dean, I was not looking-"

"Dean?" The brothers looked to a woman who stopped at the table looking at Dean, glancing at Sam and then back to Dean. Dean raised his eyebrows, he recognized her, knew her name, but he didn't know where from. "Remember me? All of those Bahama Mamas?" She laughed gently and he suddenly remembered that weekend in Tampa about 5 years before.

"Penny, of course." Dean smiled and she leaned to kiss his cheek, during which she sat down beside him and he had to shuffle up the booth to give her room, which she then used to move closer to him. "This is my brother, Sam."

She reached her hand out and he shook it. "Nice to meet you!" She smiled then turned back to Dean, hitting him playfully. "You never told me you had a brother."

Sam looked to Dean questioningly. He laughed awkwardly. "Well, we didn't do much talking." He looked down.

"Right." She laughed. "Anyway, how long are you in town?" As she was talking Cas walked over and slid into the booth beside Sam, they all turned and Sam could feel Dean about to freak out but Cas just slid the drinks to his right and across the table, smiling back at her as she continued to talk. "We should go for a drink," Sam looked to Cas who just sipped his drink without any malice even as Dean jumped when she put her hand on his knee, "for old time's sake."

"Ah," Dean pushed her hand away and moved away, "Penny, it's nice to see you again but I'm kind of in a relationship."

"Oh, I'm sorry!" She put her offending hand to her mouth. "Is she here," She looked around and Sam looked down trying not to smile, she looked back to Dean, "what's she like?" She smiled, a little disappointed but genuinely interested.

Dean laughed a little. "It's alright. Actually, he's an absolute angel." Sam let himself laugh at that and Cas smiled at him.

" _He_?" Her head lowered in surprise, she was focused on the pronoun, not sensing the inside joke.

Dean looked to Cas and as she turned he smiled gently.

"Hello," Cas said, then used his left hand to wipe a little bit of his drink left on his lip.

"Oh." She looked taken back and then smiled, reaching out her hand. "I'm so sorry, I didn't even ask your name." Sam and Dean exchanged a blank look expecting her to be more shocked.

"Cas," he answered. "Don't be sorry, I didn't ask yours." He smiled and then went back to his drink. "Would you like me to get you a drink, Penny?" He offered, tipping his own glass.

"No, I'm going to rejoin my friends." She pointed to the group at the bar as she stood. "It was nice seeing you again, Dean." He dipped his head and picked up his own drink. "And good to meet you two." The boys smiled and said their 'you too's. She took a step away and then back, putting her hand on the table in front of Cas and he looked up. "I wasn't just apologizing for not asking your name." He tried not to laugh. "Sorry, again." Cas looked down at the table as she scuttled off.

"Well, that was a joy." Dean shook his head and looked down as Sam and Cas shared a snigger. "I'm sorry." Dean smiled at Cas.

Cas sighed and shuffled out the booth to sit beside Dean. "Don't be ridiculous." He looked to Sam and then had an idea. "Can't blame her really." He ran his own hand up Dean's thigh making Dean inhale.

Sam looked between them and put his drink down. "Restroom," he muttered as he stood up.

When he disappeared Cas and Dean erupted into laughter. Dean put his right arm along the booth behind Cas. "I will never get tired of that."

Cas put his drink down. "Sam's face or this?" He stroked Dean's thigh again, then let it rest there affectionately.

Dean looked up as if thinking then quickly looked to Cas again. "Both." They shared a kiss and when they pulled apart Dean saw out of the corner of his eye Penny watching them with her friends. He smiled and she smiled back before turning her attention back to her friends.

Cas turned to look and then leaned into Dean's right ear. "Looks like we have two toys to play with tonight." Dean looked back to him and gestured to Sam as he emerged from the restroom.

Sam sat down then saw the way they were both looking at him. "What?" Dean shook his head, pursing his lips together and Cas bit his tongue. "Okay, you two are just the worst. I mean, the  _best_ ," He smiled and they looked to each other before kissing again, Sam screwed up his face at the visible tongues, "but the worst." He sat back, staring for a few minutes before looking away. "This is Hell."

The pair broke apart and turned to their drinks. "No Sam, not Hell-"

"If you say 'Heaven', I'm leaving." Sam put his hand out and looked at Dean warning him.

Dean thought about it and tried not to smile. "I was going to say, 'trust me'." Sam scoffed and looked to the side but then back again as Dean leaned forward. "You should ask Penny out."

"What?" Sam let his head drop. "That's disgusting!"

The waiter brought their food over, well as much of it as he could carry. He put pizza down in front of Dean, a half calzone in front of Sam, with salad side and a cheese burger in front of Cas with a side of onion rings. He then walked away to get the soft drinks that they had originally ordered.

"Why?" Dean used his hands to pull one slice from the rest as Sam picked up his cutlery and Cas reached for an onion ring. Dean separated one piece and licked his finger before talking again. "Dude, she does this thing with her tongue-"

"Dean!" Sam widened his eyes and Dean shrugged in question as he bit into his pizza slice and Cas picked the gherkins from cheeseburger. "First of all, that's just- shut up. And secondly," he gestured his knife, "what about Cas?"

Dean chewed and smirked. "Well, since you ask he-"

"Dean!" Sam shouted again and Dean started laughing reaching for one of Cas' onion rings. The waiter dropped off the drinks and they all muttered their gratitude.

"What? Come on, Cas doesn't care, man." Sam raised his eyebrow and looked so Dean turned his head to see Cas looking at his burger as he settled it in his hands. "Right?"

He looked up to Dean. "Actually,  _that_  I do mind." Sam shook his head at Dean and continued cutting. Dean's brows relaxed and Cas sighed. "I don't mind you talking about that stuff but I would rather that you weren't so...  _detailed_  around me." He sunk his teeth into his burger.

Dean dropped his slice of pizza and dusted off his hands to the side. "I'm sorry, I didn't think it would bother you." Cas chewed, trying to smile reassuringly. "If I talk about it, about any of it again I will try to be more considerate." Cas nodded and stuck his cheek out as Dean leaned to kiss it. Sam watched completely confused, as Dean turned back to pick up his drink he noticed and paused looking to the side. "What?"

"Nothing," Sam tried to chew enough so that the food wasn't hanging from his mouth, he shook his head a little and leaned in as his brow dipped, "when did you get so mature?"

Cas tittered and tilted his head up to stop his food spilling out and Dean and Sam looked before looking back to each other. "Oh, about three this afternoon," he admitted. "Why?"

Sam tucked back into his food with a shiver. "Don't think I like it."

Cas took a long drink of his soda and then burped to which he giggled. Dean turned his head to look. "I'm dating a man-child."

Cas burped a discreet, "Yes." And Sam laughed lifted his fork hand up to his lip while he chewed and laughed.


	22. Chapter 22

"You know what's funny?" Sam mumbled as he held onto Dean and Cas while they helped him stumble across the motel car park. "Dean, do you know what's funny?"

"What, Sammy?" Dean nodded to Cas who let go of Sam, making him stumble to his now empty left side a little, Dean put his left hand onto Sam's chest to catch him.

"Angels and Demons."

Dean looked to Sam confused, he glanced to Cas who had ran into the office to get keys for the night. "What are you blabbering about?"

"Am I blabbering? I'm sorry." He looked down and Dean used his arms to move him to standing up properly again. "I just mean," he sighed and Dean got a strong whiff of the mix of drinks they had been knocking back all night, "I mean, no offence but you are like the nine sins on two legs."

"Seven," Dean corrected.

"What?" Sam scrunched up his forehead.

"It's seven sins, not nine."

"Right, that's what I said." Sam wiped his mouth and Dean shook his head minutely. "Seven sins walking around in a tiny, tanned, goofy human vessel." Dean blinked his expression from listening passively to not sure if he had just been insulted or not. "And there's me, trying to be the good guy following the virtues."

"Oh yeah, because you're a real-"

"I said tr-trying Dean, law school, long term relationship." He drifted off into the distance and Dean turned to look at Cas waiting at the desk. Sam came back to himself. "It's just strange, you being Michael's vessel and me being Lucifer's."

"So, I'm a bad guy, is that what you mean? That I'm a demon?" Dean tried not to be insulted but the more he thought about it the more he realized Sam had a point - in the metaphorical sense.

Sam's head shot up. "No, no!" He laughed again and pointed at Dean's left eye, Dean closed it in case Sam poked it. "They're not-" He bent down to look properly. "Not black. Not black so not demon." Dean opened his eye again, cautiously, still holding onto Sam as he straighten up. Sam pursed his lips and looked down.

"Are you going to barf?" Sam shook his head. "If you're going to barf aim that way." Dean pointed across him and Sam put his hand to his mouth and shook his head again. "Are you blabbering Sam, or do you have a point to all of this?"

"Just angels and demons, humans and monsters, Dean. We blurred the boundaries, which is which now?"

Dean looked up as Cas approached them and smiled at Dean. It wasn't until then that Dean realized he hadn't seen Cas smile at anyone else like that - not even Meg - he smiled with his eyes. And then Sam leaned away from Dean and Cas to his left, bringing Dean with him a little bit, and barfed. Cas looked down and screwed up his face in distaste, keys in hand.

Dean rubbed Sam's back while he finished up and wiped his face. Cas then pointed up to the second floor. "This way. You got him?"

"Yeah." Dean nodded and followed Cas to the other end of the complex and up a flight of stairs, hauling Sam with him. Baby steps. Giant, drunk, baby steps.

"I got us one room," Cas walked to the door and put the key in, "in case he's ill or wanders off." He laughed and Dean smiled back, all he could think about was what Sam had said. Angels and humans against Demons and monsters. He had always thought that was the two groupings but was that how it was? Or was it that they were the bad guys now? Even to each other.

>><<

They put Sam to bed in the single and got comfortable into the double for the night with a mumbled plea from Sam not to do anything dirty with him in the room. They had fallen asleep pretty quickly, well, Sam and Cas had but Dean was staring at the ceiling which is all he seemed to do lately. After a while he threw on his jeans and t-shirt, went outside and sat on the metal staircase staring at the moon, the night air was chilled but not cold and he just stared in silence feeling the breeze on his skin.

He got to thinking about everything, about his mom, his dad, Sam's words and Cas. Just Cas in general. And Anna. Was he drawn to the virtuous? He had never had much faith in God, if any at all, or there being a lot of good in the world but Anna and now Cas. Castiel.

He had read it in a book somewhere that Castiel was one of the archangels, specifically the archangel who simply watched. Written was a few paragraphs on how he was known as control itself, the angel of temperance who simply watched humanity unfold. Castiel was also described as the archangel of the North and the controller of the moon; he controlled the moon but not the stars - Dean never understood why, just like he never understood how he could just watch and not act, not interfere. But that was his role given by God and maybe that was enough of a reason.

The door to the room opened and Cas stepped out. "Hey." Dean looked up. "You okay?"

Dean nodded and could immediately tell Cas didn't believe him. He slid along and gestured his head, Cas clicked the door behind him and walked out in his pants, buttoning them at the front, bare feet and chest. He rounded the railing and sat on Dean's right, slipping his arms around Dean's waist from just slightly behind him. "I was looking at the moon," he admitted.

"It's clear tonight." Dean nodded. It was like it was looking out across the town, maybe one or two small clouds in the deep blue sky and lots and lots of stars. "Look at those stars." Cas' smile widened as the stars only just revealed themselves to him.

"You know, I read a lot of stuff, when we first met," Dean had his head turned a little to his right as he spoke but he was still mostly facing the moon and Cas leaned his face on Dean's shoulder while Dean rubbed Cas' arm across his stomach, "about you."

"About  _me_?" Cas lifted his head and turned it to look at Dean.

"Yeah," he looked back to the moon, "about how Castiel was the angel who watched." He shrugged. "Just watched, nothing else. He couldn't interfere, he couldn't stop the bad things or help the good things. He couldn't smite the bad people or reward the good ones. He had to watch things burn and people scream, people hurting and needing him." Cas let his head fall back to Dean's shoulder, not saying anything, just listening and remembering. "And I bet he heard them all too. All of the screams, all of the pain. Even all of the laughter, poems, music, confessions, prayers - good and bad - and everything else in between. Good, bad and grey." Cas nodded ever so slightly. "And he could do nothing but observe mankind at its best and worst. I guess I didn't understand, in fact I  _know_  I didn't understand what that must have been like. To never be able to make a difference or change anything - that must have twisted and turned in his gut until it was a death in itself." Cas pulled back as Dean turned his head further. Dean was crying. He was actually crying. Silently, just like Dean always does. "You must have been in so much pain all,  _all_ ," Dean's eyes closed when he said that and he opened them again as he continued, "of the time, Cas."

"It's okay." Cas rubbed Dean's back a few times with his left hand letting his right rest on Dean's stomach.

Dean shook his head. "No, it's not. It's not because you went through all of that and then one day you were given that permission to make a difference, to change things and that's all you ever wanted to do, Cas, I shouted at you and I hurt you and I even hated you sometimes." Cas inhaled and his eyes began to burn. "I did, and I'm telling you this because I want you to know that I'm sorry. I didn't understand that you just wanted to make a difference, to help and to affect. And then everything goes wrong and you fall. You fall and you are right back to watching again. Seeing pain and not being able to do a  _damn_  thing about it. And it's not fair, Cas. It's not fair at all." Cas looked at his pained and apologetic expression, he was going somewhere with this and Cas wasn't sure he was going to like it. He was still crying.

"What are you saying, Dean?" Cas could feel the lump in his stomach. The alcohol had long since left their systems but that didn't stop Cas feeling a little sick.

"I'm saying that I said I would teach you what it means to be human but all I did was further change you, I made you question everything when you were an angel, I might not have been the main reason but I prodded and I pushed and I hurt and I ripped you apart. I corrupted your purpose, Cas, and then I took what was left of you for my own. That wasn't fair. I should have taught you like I said I would but, even further than that, I shouldn't have promised to teach you how to be human in the first place."

"No?"

"No, Castiel." Cas' brow dipped a little, Dean calling Cas by his full name always gave him jitters, and not in a good way. "I should have been helping you find a way to go home... Angel." Dean looked back up to the moon and the two fell silent.

Cas snaked his arms back around Dean's waist again. Dean turned his head as Cas put his head back on Dean's shoulder. "I watched humanity for hundreds of years, Dean. Hundreds of years I heard prayers I couldn't answer, screams I couldn't silence, hurt I couldn't heal. I watched species become extinct, discoveries be made, crimes be committed, storms rage and humanity swell. But do you know what fascinated me most?" Dean turned his head to look up at the stars again. "People. The individuals that did their little things, that's how it all seemed,  _little_. The caveman who discovered fire banged rocks and twigs and moss together for hours upon hours, days upon days and weeks upon weeks. Months after he started there was a spark. Just a little light that caught his eye and he wanted to see it again, eventually it happened again and his tribe gathered around him. You know the story's end - they discovered fire. Boredom, curiosity or sheer genius, call it what you will, but he was just a caveman, a Neanderthal, banging rocks together who is the reason we are sitting here tonight looking at the moon and the stars."

"Just one little spark." Dean smiled and rubbed the back of Cas' right hand with his left.

"Exactly. All of the little things that make up a person's life and all of the people who make up humanity. But I always wondered why they huddled, all of the world to settle and they huddled together."

"Procreation. It was an instinct once, rather than just a desire," Dean whispered and kissed Cas' forehead.

"I know that, but consider dogs. Dogs who still act almost purely on animal instinct; dogs go into heat and do their thing then go away. However, when they're not in heat in the wild they don't split up and live alone, they stay in packs, they hunt in packs. Like the sombre de la muertre, they don't  _need_  their sibling there but they  _want_  them there. It's not just survival. Why do people huddle together, why do they stay together in families and tribes, why do they," he looked up and Dean turned his head to look in his eyes, shining in the moonlight right at him, Dean's eyes no longer crying he looked over Cas' face always coming back to the bright blue eyes looking at him like he was the only thing in the world and this was a man, an angel, who had seen the  _entire_ world, "draw near to strangers and stay there. Why do people find their way into each other's arms and sit staring at the moon at ridiculous times of the morning just to be together and watch the stars?"

"Do you still wonder?" Dean barely got the words out, there was something in the way Cas was looking at him, something so certain and real that it almost scared Dean. Any other time, any other person and he would have wanted to run away but he was holding him, not Cas' arms, just him and he knew there and then that it didn't matter where they were, if they could see the moon or not, he would follow those eyes anywhere.

Cas whispered back, "No." Dean leaned in and kissed him, softly and tenderly, their noses touched the other's cheeks just briefly and warmly until they broke apart. "Dean, I watched and I'm done watching. I'm not going to lie, there is a part of me that needs to keep searching for that answer, if there is a way to rejoin, but it's nothing more than an 'I need to know'. I... I'm not Castiel anymore, I'm Cas. I still want you to keep teaching me what it's like to be human but," he exhaled and looked from Dean's lips to his eyes, "I'm in love with you," Dean's own eyes refocused on Cas', "everything else from here is extra."

The pair looked back to the moon. Dean's lips were slightly parted, his eyes damp and his side warm. Warm from Cas' contact, Cas' own eyes were sleepy, his lips pursed together having just admitted his secret to Dean. Dean who kept rubbing Cas' hand before he moved his right arm making Cas pull back, he lifted it over Cas who settled back against Dean, holding his torso while Dean wrapped his arms around Cas' shoulders.

The moon and stars kept on watching the town that was mostly asleep, the earth kept turning and the pair kept holding each other watching it right back.

Sam was looking out of the motel room window at the pair, he could only see their backs but he had heard everything that was said, in the dead silence of the place even the whispers had carried in through the tiny crack that the window lay open. He smiled sleepily at Cas finally admitting it to Dean before turning away and wandering back to bed.

>><<

The next morning when Cas woke up Dean wasn't in bed. He sleepily raised his head and looked around, his hair was a mess and his face puffy, the light almost blinded him. When his eyes refocused he saw Sam sitting at the table looking between his computer and his phone, which he was jiggling in his left hand, nervously.

"Sam?" Sam's head shot up. "You alright?"

"C-Cas," Sam stuttered as Cas sat up on the bed and rubbed his hair and face trying to wake up properly. "Um..."

Cas stopped, mid-rub, looking at Sam. "What's wrong?" Cas was awake now. "Where's Dean?" He looked around the room, it looked normal.

Sam stood, phone still in hand, and walked sideways to stand in front of Cas. "Now, don't freak out." Cas let his hands drop and stared at Sam. "But, uh..." Cas pushed his weight forward so he could tuck his legs underneath himself and then sat on his heels still looking at Sam who focused on Cas' face and not his tight boxers and his morning wood. "I can't find him."

"What?"

Sam sighed as Cas clambered to the bottom of the bed and turned towards the table. He picked up a bit of paper and handed it to Cas as he stood. "This was all there was when I woke up."

Cas took it. 'We're half way there'. Cas let his head drop and then slowly sat on the bed.

"I don't understand it, his stuff is here but the car is go- Cas?"

Cas was laughing, his shoulders shaking and then he lifted his head to look at Sam. "Oh, Sam." He gestured to the note. "He's not missing." He started laughing again at Sam's confusion as the giant idiot sat down. "You've been a hunter too long. It's not some cryptic message," Sam raised his eyebrows trying to think, "it's a Bon Jovi lyric, it's for me." Sam screwed up his face. "You had to be there." He laughed and they heard metal clanging.

The door opened and Dean wandered in, half eating a doughnut, he turned to shut the door and then caught Sam looking at him. He turned to see Cas smiling and he smiled himself, looking between the two of them. He pulled the doughnut out of his mouth and shoved the door closed with his hip. "What?"

"Nothing." Sam sighed. "Next time you leave notes, can you write something a little less obscure?"

"What? It's Jovi?" He looked to Cas. "You knew that, right?"

Cas nodded and stood up. "Yeah, but Sam thought you'd disappeared." Dean looked to his brother as Cas walked towards the bathroom. "Freaked out."

"Really?" Sam opened his mouth to talk but then shrugged. "Why would I have walked?"

Sam looked to Cas as he wandered back out brushing his teeth. He didn't want to say but they were looking at him as Dean emptied the bag onto the table. "Fine, I heard you guys talking last night, okay? I'm sorry."

Dean and Cas looked at each other then back to Sam. "So?"

"So, I thought you would freak out after Cas..." he found himself pointing to Cas and then realized he was being insensitive. "Look, I'm sorry I guess I was too prepared for a run that when you were gone I jumped to conclusions."

Dean sighed. "It's okay, Sam. You're right." The two of them looked to Dean, Sam putting the mobile down on the table in front of him. Panic over. "Maybe a year ago, six months ago, Hell, even a month ago if someone had told me they loved me I would have bolted." Cas looked down and shuffled on his feet. "But not now." Dean glanced over to Cas before looking back to Sam. "You can both relax. I went to get food but the gas n sip was closed so I drove to the diner a few blocks away. I was only gone like twenty minutes, how long were you two freaking out?"

"I only just woke up." Cas smiled and walked back into the bathroom.

"Cas didn't freak out," Sam stated, just for the record. "I was sitting here for fifteen minutes calling you and everything."

Dean reached into his back pocket for his phone, clicked a few buttons and got no response then sighed. "Dead."

"But Cas didn't freak," Sam reiterated.

Dean nodded and smiled. "Good. At least someone has faith in me." Sam sighed. "Hey uh, Sam?" Dean lowered his head looking at the floor.

"What?" Sam looked up.

"Thanks." He dumped his phone on the table too and Sam smiled looking back to his computer. "You know, it's a beautiful day." Sam hummed. "It's walking weather." Sam nodded. "Sam?" Sam looked back up to Dean and raised his eyebrows. Dean gestured his head. "I said it's walking weather." He tilted his head to the door and Sam inhaled then dropped his shoulders in a 'really?' gesture. "Fine, sit there. You got your iPod?" Sam grabbed his jacket and phone as he stood up. "Attaboy." Dean slapped him on the shoulder as he made for the door. "Stay where I can see you," Dean joked and Sam scoffed as he shut the door.

Dean picked up his coffee and took a sip. He turned his head as Cas emerged from the bathroom, leaning on the doorway. "What was your note all about?"

"Just in case you thought what Sam did," Dean lied as he took another sip.

Cas walked over to Dean and took his coffee from him. "Try again," he muttered as he put it on the table.

Dean sighed. "I don't want to lie to you, I don't want to say that I feel that too when I don't."

"I'm not asking you to, Dean?" Cas glanced outside as a figure went passed the window and then looked back to Dean.

"I know but I don't want to hurt you either, I know it can hurt when you love someone who doesn't feel the same way." Dean reached for Cas' arm and stroked it. "I meant what I said about helping you find a way back if that's what you want and I meant what I said about feeling strongly for you."

"I meant what I said about not wanting to go back and I meant what I said when I told you I loved you. I know that you have strong feelings for me and I love the honesty in it, Dean."

"Really?" Dean looked from what he was doing back to Cas' face.

"Yes, you could have lied and told me you love me too but you didn't. That's so much better. If you ever do say that to me I want it to be because you feel it, not because you feel like you have to say it. I want it to be because it almost hurts not to say it, because it's the truth and it's amazing and it keeps spilling out. You can't stop it and you don't want to. I want that, not lies. Promise me you won't ever say it without meaning it because that would finish me."

Dean's head edged back a beat in surprise. "I promise you." Cas nodded and made to turn away but Dean wrapped his arms around Cas from the back and hugged him. Cas stopped and smiled as Dean kissed his ear. "Say it again," he whispered. Cas laughed. "Don't you laugh at me." Dean smiled as he kissed Cas' jaw. "Go on."

Cas turned around in Dean's arms and then kissed him. "You're alright." He shrugged and stepped backwards, moving slightly out of Dean's arms.

Dean's mouth fell open and he followed him. "Oh you-" He sighed trying to think of a word. "Big tease," was all he could think of.

"I am not!"

Dean walked forwards and caught Cas with his hands at the waist again, Cas' own hands came up to rest on Dean's forearms as he was walked backwards until they hit the half wall that ran down the side of the bed hiding the bathroom. "Yes, you are." Dean felt his throat get a little tight as he leaned in to kiss Cas against the wall. Dean's hands came up to Cas' jaw and neck while they kissed, he felt Cas' hands on his back but after a few minutes they slipped down and grabbed Dean's bum and pulled him in. Even through the denim Dean could feel Cas' erection and he had to stop the kissing. "Cas, we don't have anything."

Cas took a second before he got Dean's meaning. "So?" He reached down and rubbed Dean through his jeans, clearly Cas wasn't the only one enjoying their make out session. Dean groaned a little. "Now who's the tease?" He smirked as he pulled one flap on Dean's jeans and pulled it open him towards him.

He pulled Dean in and they kissed. Dean pushed into Cas with his hips and pulled his face closer with his hands. He wanted to pin Cas against the wall and screw him there but they had limited experience of this and he wasn't stupid, that would hurt. Cas finally had enough and then pushed him backwards. Dean stumbled until he back of his knees hit the bed and he fell backwards onto it. He looked up to Cas shuffling out of his underwear and then him crawling over Dean, straddling him and not giving him a chance to move from lying the wrong way across the bed, Dean only managed to move onto it a little bit more before Cas leaned over him and resumed their kissing. Their breathing filling the other's mouth and the room, Dean wasn't sure how they had gotten there. He went for a breakfast that was now sitting cold on the table and now Cas was-

Dean moved from Cas' lips when Cas reached into Dean's boxers and stroked him. "Cas..." Dean moaned but it was meant to be a question. Cas just smirked and kissed Dean's neck. "Cas," Dean tried again not waiting for an answer, "what if this hurts you? Without any lube?"

Cas looked up and smiled as he let go of Dean and tugged at his pants. "Why do you think I'm on top?" Dean screwed up his brow a little and Cas tugged his pants again. Dean slowly moved to edge them down and Cas stopped him when they were far enough to pull his boxers down off of his erection too. "I'm living up to my name." Dean let out a little laugh and looked away.

Control.

Cas only pulled Dean's pants and boxers down enough, not all the way off before he shuffled back over him. Dean felt his hand close around him, feeling and then stroking to make sure. "Don't you laugh at me." Cas licked his dry lips, dry from breathing too hard.

Cas lifted himself up and Dean's hands found their way to Cas' warm, flexed legs. Cas raised his eyebrow as Dean felt his tip touch something warm and he nodded. Cas slowly started to lower himself, Cas' eyes closed and Dean bit his lip. It hurt, it was pulling and dry. Cas hissed and stopped.

"You okay?" Dean mumbled, opening his eyes. Cas nodded exhaled. "We can stop any ti-" Dean stopped talking and ended that sentence with a long moan as Cas sank down, right down so that Dean could feel Cas' cheeks on the tops of his legs. Cas stopped to give himself time to adjust and Dean had to really try not to thrust, it was killing him. He felt his hips come off the bed. "Damn, Cas."

Cas leaned forward and Dean's hands shot up to catch his arms. Their hands found each others' and they held on as Cas slowly started to move up and down. At first it was slowly up and down, the odd hiss and groans while Cas tried to get used to it and Dean tried not to flip him over and go for it. Dean's eyes were screwed up as he concentrated but he opened them when he heard Cas moan, he had rolled his hip instead of just sliding and Dean looked up to see Cas' lips parted and his neck flexed up straight, his face relaxed and he rolled his hips again. "Dean..."

"That's it." Dean gripped Cas' hand tighter and he could feel the difference. "That's it, Cas." Cas gradually got faster and Dean gradually became unwound. Cas brought Dean's right hand up in his and kissed it before clasping it again and picking up his speed. Dean could feel the sweat on his t-shirt, under his arms, on his back and the rubbing of denim on his legs. His heels were grounding into the floor and he could feel them shuffle and cramp a little but he didn't care. "Cas..." Shit, the heat came out of nowhere and Dean saw Cas nod, Cas let go of Dean's hand briefly and Dean realized that it was his turn, he tried his hardest to roll up his t-shirt and lifted his left hand back to take Cas' right. He then reached and grabbed Cas' cock.

"Mmm." Cas pursed his lips together, maybe to stop him calling God again or something but whatever it is it ended in Dean half-breathing a 'what's wrong?'. "Waiting on you."

Dean smiled. "Just go." He picked up his speed stroking Cas and Cas' mouth fell open while he gripped Dean's hand and moaned his name as he came. Cas tried to keep up his rhythm and as a result he rolled his hips harder against Dean but then stuttered to a stop riding out his orgasm. "Shit," Dean let go off holding Cas' hand and moved it under Cas to rock his bum so that he kept moving, "can't stop, Cas." He bucked his hips into Cas to keep going.

Cas rode through his last wave, trying to say something that Dean didn't hear then started rolling his hips again and Dean moaned louder, Cas put his hand to Dean's letting him know he was done, they let go and he rode harder and faster looking down at him. Dean kept moaning Cas' name while Cas encouraged him, he leaned forward a tad and Dean closed his eyes.

"There you are." Cas snapped his hips and Dean was gone. He bucked his hips off the bed into Cas who pushed down in time and then Dean let out a loud breath and slowed to a stop.

Dean looked down to his t-shirt, panting, and the bottom was covered. "Damn."

He looked up and Cas let out an apologetic laugh. "Sorry."

"It's okay," he exhaled, "believe me." Cas laughed and leaned forward to kiss Dean. Dean looked up as Cas lifted off of him. "I love your laugh," Dean said and was surprised at himself.

Cas paused to look at him and smiled. "Well, I love you." He clambered off the bed and then jogged to the bathroom. Dean waited. "That's just disgusting," Cas said in the bathroom and Dean laughed. "Ugh." Dean tucked himself in and then there was a knock at the door. Cas poked his head out and he and Dean stared, wide eyed for a minute. Dean still had the mess on his stomach. "Shit." Cas leaned back into the bathroom and grabbed a towel before throwing it back to Dean. Dean sat up wiping himself as best as he could.

"Dean?" Sam's voice came from the other side of the door. "Dean, come on."

"Sam, just wait a minute!" Dean shouted over his shoulder and Cas ran to put his pants on. Dean stood and walked into the bathroom as Cas pulled his t-shirt on. "Okay."

Cas went to the door and opened it for Sam. "Hey, sorry about that."

Sam looked Cas up and down and found he looked normal, if a little flushed. "I only came back because I forgot my wallet. I won't be five minutes."

"It's fine, Sam, you can come in for tea now," Dean continued to joke. When Sam walked across the room, towards the bathroom Dean closed the door over.

"You sure?" Sam stopped beside the half wall and looked back to Cas who nodded as he closed the door. "I'm kind of hungry though, maybe we could go for food, since you two clearly haven't eaten." Cas looked to the bag on the table.

"Sounds good." Dean called from the bathroom and Sam leaned on the half wall. He glanced to his right, down the side of the bed and then took a double take at the underwear on the floor. He didn't want to know.


	23. Chapter 23

_Two weeks later._

They were back in the bunker and Dean was asleep while Cas was getting dressed to go to the bathroom at the end of the hall. After the last time he would never again chance it naked, not after the look on Sam's face.

"Cas..." Cas finished putting his left leg in his pants and looked over. Dean's eyes were closed and he shuffled on the bed a little pulling the pillow into the side of his face. Asleep.

Cas smiled to himself and continued getting dressed. He pulled his t-shirt over his head as he left the room and he turned behind him to see Sam standing there. They stared before they broke into a run towards the bathroom. There was more than one bathroom in the place but this was the only one with a bath that they'd been able to rig to bubble.

"No, Cas!" Cas bet Sam to the bathroom and shut the door, locking it behind him. "Come on!" The door handle rattled.

"I got here first, Sammy." Cas screwed up his face. Sammy? He shrugged and leaned over the bath to turn the water on.

"Don't call me that, Castiel." Sam had his face squashed up to the crack of space between the door and the wall.

"Don't call me that, Sammy," Cas shot back over his shoulder.

"But it's your name?" Sam sighed and leaned back.

"Not anymore," Cas whispered to himself as he stripped off again.

"What's going on?" Dean emerged from the bedroom rubbing his eye, Sam turned and rattled the door handle exasperated. Dean smirked. "He beat you again?"

"Yes!" Cas shouted as he stepped into the bath, the water still running.

"It's not fair, he used it yesterday!" Sam moaned, waving his arms about. Dean just tried not to laugh. "It's like having two brothers." Sam leaned to the door and raised his voice. "Both as annoying as each other!" He sighed and walked away down the hall towards a different bathroom.

Dean knocked on the door. Nothing. "Cas? Let me in."

"I'm comfortable." Cas smirked, turned the water off and sunk further into it.

There was a few minutes of Cas sitting, closed eyes and rubbing the water over his shoulders before he heard a scraping sound. He opened his right eye looking to the door, it stopped. He closed his eye and turned his head to the ceiling again before he heard another scrape. He opened his eyes. "Dean?" There wasn't an answer, Cas lifted his head and turned it to watch the door open and reveal Dean.

"Hi." Dean smiled and stood up. He popped his pack back in his pocket, looked along the corridor making sure Sam wasn't there before he stepped into the room and closed it behind him. Cas heard the lock click again.

"Hunters." Cas closed his eyes and lay his head back.

Dean walked over to the bath and leaned down at the side. "What's wrong, did I do something?"

"No, you didn't do anything. Nothing is wrong." Cas dunked himself under the water and then emerged wiping his face. "Just fed up, that's all." He opened his eyes to see Dean's concerned expression looking back. "I promise." Dean's expression softened a little. "I love you both but if we're not here, we're getting supplies or on the road or drinking or in motels. It's making me a little restless."

Dean reached out and stroked Cas' hair, pushing it back off of his face. "Okay. I'm sorry." Cas' brow twitched in question. "I'm sorry you feel like that. I know it can get a bit much. I'll leave you alone, babe." He half-stood as he kissed Cas' forehead and smiled before standing up all of the way and leaving through the door.

Cas exhaled and closed his eyes, "I didn't mean it like that," he whispered to himself.

The door opened again and Cas opened his eyes to Dean leaning in. "I know how you meant it, Cas." He smiled. "I didn't take it any  _way_ , I know." Cas smiled back and the door closed.

Cas closed his eyes again and lay back feeling the warm water around him before reaching out to push the little button and felt the bubbles start. "Hmm." He smiled.

Dean closed the bathroom door and Sam walked into the bathroom at the end of the hall. Dean looked at him as he disappeared into the room for his shower. Dean had a thought. "Sam!" he shouted as he walked after him.

>><<

"I don't know, Dean, there's a million things within driving distance from here?" Sam sat, dry and dressed, in front of his computer. He sat back in the chair and looked up to Dean across from him.

"Yeah, but what kind of things can we do? He said he's sick of doing the same thing over and over. I don't know what else to do?"

"Well, we have this list." He slid it across the table to Dean. "Choose something."

Dean sighed and reached forward for it but then hid it under the table as Cas appeared in the doorway. "Hey!" He smiled.

"Hello. I'm going to make some coffee, would you like some?" Dean shook his head and he looked to Sam who lifted his own cup and handed it to Cas. "Alright." Cas disappeared into the kitchen and Dean pulled the list back from under the table.

He blew out air as he looked at the paper which made it rattle. "Bowling? What are we, five?"

"You just hate it because you're so bad at it." Sam laughed and leaned forward in his chair again.

"Shut up." Dean looked back to the paper. "Oh, Sam I don't know!" He shoved the paper back down. "How do I know what he likes?"

"You're dating him?" Sam whispered and Dean shrugged. "Alright." Sam took the paper. "Fine." He shouted over his shoulder. "Cas!"

"What are you doing?" Dean whispered and then quickly smiled as Cas appeared.

"Yes, Sam?" Cas leaned against the doorway in his Metallica t-shirt and low denim pants.

"Skip the coffee, we're going out." Sam stood up.

"Of course." Cas looked down. "You got a case?" He walked back into the kitchen.

Sam and Dean shared a look as Dean stood and they followed him.

"No, babe," Dean said, feeling guilt at the way Cas felt like an outsider, still.

"No,  _we're_  going out. The three of us," Sam said and Cas turned to look at them. "We have a list of stuff we thought you might like to do and Dean can't chose," Dean smiled and looked down embarrassed as Cas looked at him, "so we're just going to get in the car and decide as we go. Sound good?"

Cas reached for Sam's cup and put it in the sink, turning his back. "You don't have to do this." He shook his head.

Dean walked towards him and hugged him from behind, making Cas smile. "I know but we want to so..." He turned Cas around where he was and pushed him a little. "Go get some shoes on."

"Alright, I'm going." Cas walked away, trying not to blush.

Sam looked to Dean, smiling. "What?" Dean looked up. "You go get shoes on too, Sammy."

He pointed to the doorway and Sam walked away to do just that. It was then that Dean realized he always put shoes on after getting dressed, whether he was going anywhere or not. Just in case. It was a habit he had picked up from his father, a sad one but one nonetheless. He had found it waver a little lately since they had a base and when he was with Cas he forgot but when Cas wasn't there, when he was dressing he always walked out of his room with shoes on. Shoes, his watch and his phone. A hunter's habits.

>><<

When they exited the base Dean rounded the car and stopped to see, well no one. He turned his head a little to the left to see Sam standing at the passenger seat but the back. He squinted a little and they just stared for a second before Dean understood.

"Sam?" Cas walked to the car, a step back from the passenger side door.

"Come on, we'll decide in the car." Sam pulled the handle and Dean did the same, acting as if it was no big deal.

Cas smiled as the doors closed.

Dean looked back to Sam and whispered. "Thank you." Sam smiled and the front door opened before Cas got in.

Dean watched him get settled and Cas stopped when he saw Dean looking. "What?"

"What?" Dean looked up from the jacket, Cas' leather one, that he had been staring at. "Nothing. Should I turn around or?" They looked back to Sam in the back seat.

"I can wait here if you two want to go back inside?" Sam teased and Cas laughed gently, looking out the window.

Dean's eyes moved to Cas. "No thanks, Sammy." Cas looked back to Dean and pursed his lips together.

"You sure? I could drive around?" Sam continued.

Dean looked back to Sam. "No, seriously after what we did this morning I'm spent for now," Sam's smile fell, "but I might take you up on it later." Cas laughed again and Dean grinned. "So, where are we going?"

Sam sighed. "Jo, Anna and now Cas," he mumbled.

"What was that, Sam?" Cas and Dean both turned.

"Nothing," he smiled, "just wondering when it'll be my turn to be this annoying with someone who actually knows what we do."

"I wasn't aware you had romantic feelings towards Jo?" Cas asked.

"Well, I didn't," Sam stuttered.

"Anna?" Cas asked again.

"I didn't." Cas screwed up his face in response, completely confused about Sam's statement.

"And Cas?" Dean raised his eyebrows, enjoying this far too much. He was also enjoying the fact that the mere mention of it all didn't make him and Cas uncomfortable anymore.

Sam sighed. "Just forget it, can we go?"

Dean pointed to the list. "Waiting on you telling me where to go." Sam opened the paper. "Again."

Sam looked up, then back down. Dean and Cas shared a look, Cas was confused and Dean shook his head a little to show him it wasn't important right now and he'd explain later.

"Botanical Gardens?"

" _Gardens?_ " Dean asked without thinking, Sam glared at him. "I mean, won't you be bored?" He looked to Cas.

Cas could see Dean didn't want to go. "Yes." He shrugged.

"No, babe," Dean put his right hand on Cas' knee, "do  _you_  want to go?" Cas nodded apologetically after a pause of thought. "Then we go." Dean turned in his seat properly and turned the engine on pulling off down the road.

"Uh Dean, turn around," Sam mumbled and avoided the glare in his direction from the rear-view as the car slowed.

>><<

The boys took the 4 hour drive to the gardens in Bucyrus, Kansas. They parked up and wandered into the visitor's center. There were a group of children in one corner being spoken to by a guide and a woman who, Dean decided, must have been a teacher because she was encouraging them to be on their best behavior. Dean turned his head as a man approached them. Well, he was in his twenties and had scars on his face from acne long gone but still.

"Good Morning, gents!" He smiled at them. "Welcome to Overland Park Arboretum and Botanical Gardens!" He smiled. "My name is Bryan, can I be of help to you today?"

Dean and Cas looked to Sam and then the guy did too.

"Hey yeah, we were just looking for something to do," he tapped his hands on Cas' shoulders, "we were showing my brother's partner around," Cas smiled then looked down as Dean slowly took his left hand in his right, "showing him our home town." The guy looked to Dean who smiled expectantly.

"Well," he looked to Cas, "welcome to Kansas." Cas dipped his head in thanks. "Where are you originally from?"

Dean and Sam both opened their mouths but it was Cas who spoke.

"Originally, Illinois but my home is Kansas now." He smiled and Dean looked down as Cas squeezed Dean's hand.

"Well," the man walked backwards towards the desk and the brothers followed him, Dean pulling Cas' hand with his, "we have a number of things going on here at the moment, lots of pollen in the air so we have a lively wildlife and beautiful flowers as a result." He pointed to the laminated map on the desk. "You have the garden over here, there are plenty of guides in there, we have our resident gardeners in today to answer any questions you might have as well as our wildlife specialists." They looked to the side as the kids cheered and ran off with their guide. "Lots of school trips in this week." They all smiled again. "And if you have more time there's the trails and hikes as well as our sessions down by the lake." He pointed to the map again. "Now, if you're interested in the hikes, there are various ones, depending on your wants, okay?" He smiled to Dean who smiled back and let it fall as he looked away. "All varying in length, intensity and what you'll see. You can go around with a tour or just around by yourself." He waited looking at Sam.

Sam looked to Cas. Cas looked to Dean who looked to Sam again and Cas did the same. Sam sighed. "Well, why don't we try the garden today?"

Cas smiled and nodded. They all looked back to Bryan.

"Perfect, why don't I show you our garden map."

>><<

"They have a train garden?" Dean was looking at the map on the back of his leaflet as they walked into the Gardens area and he turned to Sam. "Sam, they have a train garden!"

"Yeah, I know Dean."

Dean looked up. "Hey, listen." They looked around while Cas was standing reading a plaque a few feet away. "Are you okay?" Sam just stared confused. "What you said earlier, about Anna," Sam exhaled, "and Jo. Are you... okay?"

"I'm fine, Dean." Dean stared at him. "Do I wish I could have what you have? Yes." Dean's face showed worry. "Dean, you have the best of both worlds you get to hunt and have someone who loves you." He gestured to Cas and Dean looked. "Someone who wants to be with you and see you smile, someone who has seen you do what we do," he lowered his voice further, "seen you murder and torture. A hunter is what I am, but I'm also human." His eyebrows raised as his voice did, back it's normal level. "Might not always seem that way, but I am, I want happiness. I want..." He hesitated as Cas leaned down and brought a flower up to his nose and inhaled it. Sam hadn't seen that at first, what made him hesitate was the smile that had spread onto Dean's face, the tint of red, the light in his eyes. "Love." Sam smiled and Dean looked back to him.

"I know, Sam." He put his hand on Sam's arm. "I want that for you too. Really, I do." Dean wandered over to Cas and Sam watched.

Dean put his right hand on Cas' lower back and Cas turned, he mumbled something and Dean nodded. Cas spoke then gestured to the flower. Dean shook his head and Cas gestured again. Dean rolled his eyes and lowered his head to smell the flower and then he smiled and nodded when Cas asked him something. Cas then walked over to another and Dean lifted his right hand to scratch the back of his neck, bit his lip and shook his head laughing gently before following Cas.

"Huh." Sam's shoulders dropped in realization and he slowly followed them.

>><<

After half an hour they came to the part of the garden called the Cohen Iris Garden. There was a little pond and a bench, Cas sat on the arm of the bench while the brothers settled on the seats. Cas sighed. "It's beautiful, right?"

"Yeah." Dean looked around, the children running around reminded him of that cook-out with Lisa and Ben.

"It's nice to do something without any real reason." Sam smiled and closed his eyes to the sun.

Dean took Cas' hand again. "That's a reason itself, Sammy."

Sam didn't open his eyes but he smiled. "Such a girl." Dean just exhaled a laugh through his nose.

"Oh, hello." Cas smiled at a little butterfly that landed on his knee, Dean and Sam shifted to look. It's colour was a reddish brown and it had various little speckles on it. "Asterocampa celtis," Cas turned to Dean and Sam, "or hackberry emperor." He smiled back to the butterfly and lowered his hand, he slowly edged his finger underneath the insect and it hesitantly walked onto his finger. Dean's eye's widened and Sam sat up properly. "A distant relative of," Cas' accent changed to... Dean guessed, Russian, "razmytiye krovi," he looked up and then nodded to thin air, when he spoke again he was American, "I think you would call it now," Dean watched Cas the whole time, "a species only found in what would later be known as Russia, where that would be what it would translate to now." He smiled.

"Yeah?" Dean prodded him to continue.

Cas looked back to him and smiled. "Yes. A mostly red butterfly, it lived in cold conditions and was almost extinct because of it's bright colour against the snow and frost. It bred with a subset of another butterfly, one that was never discovered or probably even observed by humans because it's colour matched the deep forest that it lived in. It's existence a secret known only to the wildlife it lived amongst. The subset was a slightly more..." Cas searched for the word looking at the butterfly walk along his finger, "maroon colour, they bred and, long story short, the razmytiye krovi died off, natural selection in action, but it's new set continued on. And my friend here is what's left." The butterfly flew off and Cas let his hand drop. "A copy of a part of a mix of originals that no longer exist."

"Aren't we all?" Sam offered, sensing Cas' melancholy. Dean turned his head a little to look at Sam.

Cas smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I guess we are."

>><<

"But, I mean, a  _carnival_?" Dean chewed away as he spoke.

"What's wrong with a carnival?" Sam wiped his hands on his napkin and leaned back in his seat.

"It's just so cheesy!" Dean shook his head.

"So?" Sam smirked. Then started talking funny to take the piss out of Dean. "Aw, don't you want to go and get cotton candy?"

"Shut up." Dean stared at him.

Sam's eyes widened and he hit Dean's arm. "You could win him a teddy!"

Dean shook Sam's hand off. "Get lost, Sam. We're not twelve." He picked up his drink and finished chewing. "Toffee apple."

He and Sam laughed together as Cas returned to the table. "What's funny?" Cas picked up a French fry and let his left hand lean on the booth behind Dean as he took a drink and went back to his cheeseburger.

"We were thinking a carnival?" Sam offered, still laughing a little.

"What," Cas looked to Dean then back to Sam, "what is that?" He chewed on the fry.

"It's like a fair, you know, stalls and a Ferris wheel and stuff?"

"Like at the end of 'Grease'?" Cas dripped another fry in sauce and brought it back up to his mouth.

"Yeah," Sam leaned forward, "when did you watch that?" Cas shrugged looking down at his food. Sam looked to Dean who looked at his food. "Did you two watch 'Grease'?" Sam smiled.

"No!" Dean screwed up his face and Sam widened his eyes. "Fine, he asked what high school was like-"

"And you showed him ' _Grease'_?!" Sam couldn't stop the smile on his face. "That's not what high school is like!"

Dean leaned forward and almost shouted. "I know that but I didn't go to high school for very long, did I?" Sam stopped laughing and Dean cleared his throat as he straightened up.

The three of them looked to the other dinners looking at them and smiled politely.

Cas looked to his plate and then leaned forward. "Wait, so high school isn't like that?"

Sam looked at him like 'look what you've done' and Dean turned to Cas and shook his head. "No..."

>><<

They pulled in at the fair as it was starting to get dark and Sam looked around almost nervously.

"What is it?" Cas looked to him. "What's wrong?"

"Uh, nothing," Sam muttered not stopping darting his head this way and that.

Dean rolled his eyes and patted Sam on the back. "Carnival. Scared of clowns and you suggest a carnival."

"I'm not  _scared_  of clowns." He swallowed and waited until they walked away. "I'm terrified of them." He flared his nostrils and then ran after them. "Wait up!"

Dean and Cas turned to look as Sam caught up and then Dean put his left arm around Cas' shoulder, leather on leather, Cas got a little shock but he lifted his left hand to entwine his fingers with Dean's and put his right arm across Dean's back.

"Coulrophobia," Dean said to Cas.

"What?" Sam asked as they got to the ticket booth and he paid for the three of them.

"The fear of clowns; coulrophobia," Dean said as if it was obvious. He and Cas pulled apart just a bit to go through the turnstile before joining again.

"How do you know that?" Sam asked looking at Dean as he followed them through.

"Looked it up." He shrugged. Sam raised his eyebrows and they stopped just away from the entrance. Dean looked to Cas as Sam stopped on the opposite side of him. "What do you think?"

Cas smiled, looking at the stalls, the crowds which were a little sparse but getting busier, people were filing in behind them. He took in the displays, the laughter, the music and the bells ringing. "It's brilliant." Dean smiled to himself and looked down. "Thanks, Sam." Cas smirked and walked away. Dean looked up and Sam 'ner-ner'ed at him with a smile before following Cas. "Like to see you so smug over there." Dean pointed to the sign that said 'travelling circus in town for a short time' and an arrow pointing further to the left of the carnival.

Sam's face fell and he watched Dean walk passed him. "Funny," he said sarcastically.

Dean turned. "Maybe you could join them, Jolly Green, you freak of nature." Dean smirked to himself as they stopped beside Cas.

>><<

"Is that the purpose of rubber ducks?" Cas asked Dean as they walked away from the stall. "I don't think I've seen them with hooks before."

"No, Cas. Rubber ducks don't really have a purpose they're just..." He gestured with his hands. "There." Cas shrugged, accepting Dean's knowledge as Dean began to question it himself.

What the hell were rubber ducks for?

"Hey, Dean?" Dean and Cas turned to see Sam standing at a shooting range pointing to a bunch of cuddly toys on the wall. He raised his eyebrows and stroked a big rabbit. "A wabbit."

"No," Dean warned.

"What?" Cas walked over to it. "It's shooting, you like shooting?"

Sam laughed and Cas turned to look before turning back to Dean, he paid the man money anyway. "Yeah, Sam is making fun, saying I need to win you a teddy." Cas took the riffle from the man, which was loaded, Dean put his hands in his pockets and wandered over.

"Oh." Cas turned to look at Sam and cocked the gun.

He aimed the gun and shot five consecutive times. He hit five targets. He then handed the guy, who was stood with his mouth open looking at the targets, back his gun.

"Which one do you want?" Cas gestured to the teddies then looked back to Dean, raising his eyebrows. Dean just blinked and Cas shrugged with a little smile.

Sam leaned over to the guy. "Wabbit." The guy nodded putting the gun away and pulling out new targets.

Sam took the big rabbit off the hook and handed it to Cas who looked at it a few times before turning and handing it to Dean. "There you go."

Dean put out his hand and took the teddy still a little bit confused about what had just happened. He was in a relationship with a fallen angel, this he knew, a  _male_  fallen angel, yeah obviously, a soldier, a warrior, of course. So, why did he suddenly feel emasculated? Dean looked at it and then at Cas. He was smiling and Dean smiled back. Every time he saw Cas smile it made  _him_ smile too, no matter what he was thinking. He snapped out of it.

"Thanks, babe." Dean kissed his cheek and looked over his shoulder. "Oh!" He ran passed and the pair turned to look. "Come on!"

They turned to see Dean head over to a high striker and Sam exhaled. "I think you may have took his manhood away." He walked over to Dean and Cas squinted. _What?_

"Come on!" He turned to Sam. "Hold this." Sam took the rabbit from Dean and watched him pick up the hammer.

Dean smirked and swung the hammer after it hit the bump, it jumped off and Dean let it fall to the grass as they all looked up, Sam with his arms hooked around the rabbit's neck. It got to 700 and Dean's face dropped.

"Cas?" Sam indicated the hammer with the rabbit.

Dean held out the hammer and mumbled about it being broken. Cas finally got what Sam had meant. He took the hammer and thought about it. He swung and got to 600. He shrugged and turned to see Dean holding the rabbit and Sam clapping.

Sam rubbed his hands and winked at Cas as he took the hammer. Cas smiled gently as he joined Dean and they watched Sam.

"Go on, Sam!" Dean egged him on, Sam made to swing the hammer. "Try not to think about it." Sam let it drop to the ground. "Go on." Sam swung it again. "I'll still love you." Sam sighed, letting it drop again and turned to shoot his brother a look but what he saw was Dean's arm around Cas and holding the rabbit against Cas' chest and he laughed as he looked back to the hammer. "We won't judge you, Sam."

Cas laughed and nudged Dean. "Stop."

"What?" Dean tried not to smile as he feigned ignorance.

Sam shook his head, he was going to go for it now. He swung the hammer and bared his teeth as he brought it down on the pad. It jumped back up into the air and the bells rang out before he caught it as it headed for the floor.

He turned. "What were you saying, brother?"

"Freak of nature," Dean aimed at him.

"Wow!" A woman was looking up at the bell, standing holding a drink as her friend kept walking away to a stall. She turned back to Sam. "Nicely done."

"Thanks." He smiled and pushed back his hair. They turned when they heard laughing. Dean motioned flipping imaginary hair back and Cas turned into hug Dean laughing and hiding his face. "Shut up!" He shot them. "That's my brother, ignore him."

Dean and Cas laughed to each other, Cas pressed his tongue to the bottom of his top front teeth and nodded screwing up his eyes and Dean spoke through laughing, Dean's arms over Cas' shoulders and Cas' on Dean's sides, under his jacket. The rabbit swung in Dean's hands at Cas' back.

"I'm Hayley." She turned back to Sam putting her hand out. She smiled up at him, her green eyes sparkling as she swayed on the spot a little. She wore flat boots, to account for the mud, skin-tight light jeans and a baby blue vest top that was dark blue lace over her shoulders.

"Sam." He shook hers. "Would you like a go?"

He held out the hammer and she took it, handing him her cup, it was almost empty. She padded her feet apart, Dean and Cas stopped laughing as the bells rang out. Sam laughed and turned as Dean started to protest.

"Now come on!" He walked to Sam. "I'm not having this. Hold this for me please, Hayley." She took the rabbit and he took the hammer. "Babe, come here, please." Cas walked over. "We can't have these freaks beat us." Cas shook his head as Hayley stood beside Sam, exchanging a smile before they watched. "Alright, stand here." Cas stood and let Dean put his arms around him so that they both had the hammer. Well, Cas had the hammer and Dean had his hands over Cas'.

They swung and hit the pad. The bells rang out and Cas turned his head as they lowered the hammer smiling at Dean. Hayley and Sam were clapping but they hardly noticed.

"What's wrong?" Cas asked, still smiling.

Dean had felt Cas' bum rub against his crotch as they swung, he had heard the squeak of his brown leather jacket on Cas' black one, he had felt the warmth of Cas' back against his front, even through the t-shirts, as they guided the hammer and the smile that he only gave Dean but Dean wasn't really noticing them. He didn't know what he was noticing but he was noticing something else, something that wasn't quite there but wasn't anywhere else.

"Dean?" Cas said, when Dean hadn't answered.

Dean cleared his throat. "Nothing." He smiled and Cas squinted a little. "I liked what you did there with your hips," he pointed down, "let's do that again." He shuffled his arms around Cas and Cas laughed.

"Dean?" Sam shouted and Dean turned, so did Cas. "You proved it, come on," Sam gestured to the rabbit and widened his eyes, "we want to move on."

Dean looked back to Cas and shamelessly checked him out. "You go ahead, kid." He turned back and winked. "We'll catch up."

Sam sighed and shook his head, he and Hayley exchanged words before they made to turn away. By then Dean and Cas were shuffling to swing. Sam took the rabbit from Hayley and put it down on a flat bit of metal near them. "Rabbits there, Dean."

He didn't get an answer as Cas pushed against Dean and looked over his shoulder. Sam walked away again gesturing to Hayley's nearly empty cup he was still holding. Cas smiled at Dean. "Ready?" He turned back and shuffled ready to swing.

Dean swallowed. "I'm not sure," he whispered and then made to swing too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Overland Park Arboretum and Botanical Gardens is a real place in Bucyrus, Kansas. I actually looked at their map so while Bryan is fictional, the map he's talking about isn't and neither is the place it maps out. So the Cohen Iris Garden is real too. Although the bit with the butterflies is half-truth and half made up - hackberry emperor is a real butterfly but the Russian relative is made up. I took a phrase I wanted or one that sounded like a name we'd use and translated it to Russian - like I did with the sombre de la muetre and Spanish. I chose Russian purely because I like Misha speaking with a Russian accent and I would die of happiness if Cas did it. So I will beat it to death in my fics. Seriously, I have one called "braveheart" I'm finishing and I beat it's corpse.


	24. Chapter 24

_Three weeks later._

Dean didn't freak out when Sam ran out of the base. He didn't run after him to find out why Sam was leaving him this time and he wasn't even mad. He used the butter knife to take the top off of his beer and then put it on the counter with the top before turning and walking back into the main room.

"You sure you don't want one, babe?" Dean gestured the bottle to Cas who was sitting at a laptop across from him. Dean rounded the table as Cas looked up shook his head and looked back to it. "What are you watching?"

"Someone sent me it, it's called 'two girls and a cup'." Dean's eyes widened and he quickly exited it. "What?" Cas looked up to Dean.

Dean exhaled. "Don't... Trust me, don't watch that." Dean took a swig of his beer then forced himself to stop as Cas stood up. "Where are they going anyway?"

"Uh, some restaurant in town." Cas turned to look at Dean as he nodded and swigged again. "Why?"

"What, no just wondered." He leaned against the table.

Cas walked over and Dean padded his feet apart to let Cas move in between his legs. He moved his left hand to Cas' side as Cas brought his right hand to Dean's shoulder, letting the other rest on his chest so Dean could sip his beer. "You look worried."

Dean shook his head and Cas just raised his eyebrows. Dean sighed. "He's my little brother, you can't see what we've seen and not worry. Even if he's just going on a date." Cas nodded understanding and stuck his neck out, Dean smiled and tipped the beer towards him. He lifted it so Cas could take a drink. "So, you don't want  _a_  beer, you want  _my_ beer?" Cas nodded and smiled as he swirled the liquid in his mouth and swallowed. Dean laughed and had a swig himself. "What restaurant?" Cas glared. "What? I'm just making sure he knows what he's doing. I like Hayley."

"So do I," Cas admitted and nodded when Dean tipped the beer towards him again.

Dean watched him take a drink. He smirked a little, it was cute but he was definitely turning it dirty in his head. "Don't want him messing it up because he takes her to some hick place."

Cas swallowed, a little bit of beer on his lips. "He won't muck it up, he's- What are you looking at?"

Dean leaned in and kissed the beer from his lips. The taste of the cold beer tingling again on each other's tongues. When they pulled apart Dean gestured the bottle and Cas just squinted at him. He gestured the bottle again and Cas took a drink. Dean pulled it away quicker than he expected and beer escaped his mouth. Dean swooped in to kiss it from him before Cas had a chance to wipe it and he laughed into Dean's mouth.

Sam cleared his throat.

Cas looked over Dean's shoulder as Dean turned his head. "Dammit, Sam." Dean sighed. "What did you do this time?"

"What?" Sam pointed outside, his jacket still in his hand. "Hayley just phoned me to ask..." He shook his head obviously not wanting to explain. "Something, doesn't matter, but we were thinking you two could come to dinner?" Dean relaxed his face but pouted. "What?"

"Did you bring her here?"

"What? No!" Sam gestured his arms wide. "What do I look like?"

Dean's face dropped. "You're right." Now it was Sam's turn to let his face and arms drop. "I'm sorry." Dean turned back to Cas. "Up for it?" Cas nodded and took Dean's bottle from him. He took a swig and then 'ahh'ed before licking his lips and following Sam out. Dean turned to look. "Now, that's just not fair!" Cas laughed. Dean lifted off the table, grabbed their jackets and followed. "Not fair at all."

>><<

Dean had managed to swoop the beer from Cas and left it in the base, explaining that it was illegal. Cas pointed out that everything they did was illegal but let Dean take it nonetheless. They jumped in the Impala, Dean actually let Sam drive. Sam had been happy about that until he got in and looked in the back seat at him and Cas giggling and kissing. Then he felt like a driver at the beginning of some porno.

"Oi!" He looked in the rear-view as he started the engine. Dean and Cas turned to look. "Keep it clean." Sam smirked as he pulled out off down the road.

"Bite me," Dean mumbled.

"No thanks." Sam sighed.

"Wasn't talking to you, Parker." Dean turned back to Cas and Sam screwed up his face.

"Sorry m'lady," Sam answered back and Cas just watched the exchange confused, Dean's left arm still around his shoulder and his right holding Cas' own. "You know," Sam started as he looked this way and that, waiting to turn and the two passengers looked back, "you two are very touchy-feely."

"Does that make you uncomfortable, Sam?" Cas asked when Dean let go of his right hand and sat back, loosening his arm to settle on Cas' shoulders. He immediately missed it.

"No, not at all. I just didn't expect it." He honked and gestured to another driver.

"Scratch this car, Sammy..." Dean warned and looked down as Cas' hand lay on his thigh.

"I know, I know. Straight to the moon." Dean nodded. "In fact, if I had to put money on it- shit!" Sam slammed the breaks on as a deer ran out in front of them.

The three of them nudged forward and Dean looked down at Cas' right hand, as it moved from his left leg to across Dean's body like another seat belt, grabbing the side of the leather seat to anchor him. Cas had moved forward and his left hand was on Sam's chest, having not had enough time to reach across his body, pinning him to the seat. His side hit the front passenger seat and he slid off his own seat, his knee dropping to the car floor. Dean put his hand out and pulled him back up.

"Are you two alright?" Cas looked from Sam to Dean as they looked from his hand on them to his face.

Sam and Dean just nodded completely shocked, one at how quickly Cas had moved and secondly at what he had just done. Cas moved his hands from the brothers. Dean was shocked because, even though they had seatbelts on and Cas didn't he had jumped to their safety. Not only that but he was shocked at the same thing Sam was, he had jumped to  _both_  of their safeties. Of course, Dean had seen him reach across Dean first, and as soon as his hand clamped the seat he reached for Sam but he had still reached for them both. And then Dean remembered a couple of things.

_'I love you both but if we're not here, we're getting supplies or on the road or drinking or in motels.'_

_'It's like having two brothers.'_

"Good." Cas sat back and replaced his hand on Dean's knee while Dean lifted his arm to put it slowly back around Cas' shoulder. "You were saying?" Cas waited and rubbed his side. "Sam?"

Sam looked back and then exhaled. He drove around the deer, which got spooked and ran off anyway. "I was saying..." Sam mumbled. "Oh right, yeah. If I had to put money on it, I would have said Cas would be the overbearing one."

"I'm not overbearing!" Dean defended himself. "I'm... affectionate." He looked to Cas. "Do you think I'm overbearing?" Cas opened his mouth. "Am I overbearing?" Cas opened his mouth again. "Because you can tell me. I won't-"

Cas shut him up with a kiss. He pulled away and shook his head. "No."

They pulled into the parking lot. And the three got out, Cas got out Dean's side.

He pulled at Dean's open coat to stop him following Sam right away. Dean stopped and turned back.

"I hope you don't think I'm not affectionate." Dean shook his head and started to argue. "Because I want to be more," he swayed his hips looking at Dean's t-shirt, "touchy-feely," he smiled bashfully and Dean smiled too, "but I'm still learning what is appropriate, what's normal and what's not." Dean put his arm around Cas. "For example, I don't think I've seen Sam and Hayley like that before. Is that normal for Sam?"

"Like what?" Dean asked and they turned to look at Sam.

He was kissing Hayley and shaking his head through talking in between kissing. She playfully hit him and he grabbed her closer for another kiss which she protested at first, while laughing, and then raised her arms to wrap around his neck, he had to dip his head and wrapped his arms around her back.

"Oh." Dean turned back to Cas. "I don't think I've seen Sam like that either, with anyone."

"He's been in relationships before? More serious than this too." Cas felt Dean push him against the closed car door a little.

"Yeah, but I didn't get to know Jess before..." He pouted. "...what happened." Cas nodded. "And he hasn't had anything serious since, well," Dean looked into the distance, "there was Amelia, but I didn't meet her either." He looked back to Cas. "Hey, I was in-  _we_  were in Purgatory, it wasn't my fault."

"Right, so you say that you only look for happiness when the other is dead right?" Dean nodded. "And yet, here  _we_  are and there  _they_  are." He gestured to Sam and Hayley. "They look pretty happy. You've met this one. Hell, we're on a double date... Again."

"Yeah." Dean bit his lip, worried.

"What?" Cas looked at it and back.

"That's what's worrying me." He shrugged, Cas saw the light reflect in his moist eyes. "We're too happy."

"Hey!" Dean and Cas turned to look at Sam and Hayley. "Come on!" Sam called to them. "I'm hungry." He turned to Hayley, who was holding his hand and asked her something, she nodded and he turned back. "We both are!"

Cas looked at Dean as he took a step back. "Yeah, I hear ya." He grabbed Cas' hand and started to walk away. "We're all hungry, Sam." Cas followed but he couldn't help but hear those words again in his head.

_'We're too happy.'_

Cas pulled at Dean's hand to turn him back around and put both of his hands on Dean's face to kiss him. Dean's hands found Cas' back and they ignored Hayley telling Sam to 'shut up, they're cute.'

After a few seconds Sam and Hayley walked away and Cas slowly and reluctantly let go.

Dean swallowed air. "What was that for? N-not that I'm complaining."

Cas' hands were still on his face and his were still on Cas' back. "Because you're allowed to be happy."

>><<

"And then he slides across the pitch, into third," Dean put another fry in his mouth, talking about Sam, "and I was thinking," he gestured with his hand, "'stay there, just stay there' but no, no you could see the split second in his mind-" Cas knocked his fork of the table and Dean turned to look.

Cas leaned out of the booth to pick it up and stopped a passing waiter. "Sorry, could I have another fork please?" The guy nodded, took the fork in a napkin and walked away. Hayley glared at the waiter but Sam and Dean were looking at Cas.

Dean continued when Cas sat back, putting his hand behind Dean's back on his seat and leaned back in to listen.

"You could see him wrestle with the decision for a second, " Cas smiled when the waiter dropped the fork off and turned back to Dean, "so he runs and he runs, the guys caught it and he's running too right?"

Sam laughed and Hayley looked, as did Cas, not knowing why.

"They're both running, heads down trying to get there faster and smash right into each other." Hayley and Cas started laughing and Sam put his hand over his eyes, embarrassed but Hayley rubbed his back smiling. "But Sam, well, we've been rough-housing since he was able to walk," Dean explained, leaving out the fact that they used to hunt as well, "so he rolls into the fall and bounds back up. Gets to home and wins the game." Dean sat back in his chair looking to Cas, pride obvious.

"Aw!" Hayley looked to Sam smiling who nodded. "I bet your dad was cheering like mad." She saw their smiles fall. "He wasn't at that one either?" Cas shook his head a little as Dean looked at the table, finishing chewing. "I'm sorry, baby." Hayley looked at the table too.

"Hey no." Sam turned to her. "My dad was there." The other three looked confused.

"No he wasn't?" Dean asked.

Sam looked to Dean and relaxed his face.

Cas smiled. "Yes, he was." Dean turned to look at him still confused and Cas nudged him.

Dean turned back to Sam as he realized. Sam looked away from him and around the room as Hayley and Cas shared a look.

"Oh." Dean cleared his throat. "Uh," he grabbed the menu, "what's the puddings like in here?"

"Good, yeah," Sam mumbled and Hayley shook her head.

Dean glanced to Cas, it was just a look but Cas read it perfectly. He wanted to say something, he wanted to but he was scared and he felt like an idiot. Cas squeezed his leg under the table and gestured his head to Sam.

Dean dropped the menu. "Sam?" Sam looked back to Dean, stopped shuffling his hands under the table and paused. "I, uh, I'm... Well, shit I'm honored that you'd say that."

"Really?" Sam's eyes widened.

"Course." Dean shrugged and looked to the side towards Cas, subconsciously looking for support and further prodding. "You're uh, you grew up good," he muttered and Cas nudged him again. "And I..." Cas leaned his chin on Dean's arm and nodded. "I love ya." Dean smiled at Sam and looked away again. Sam was frozen. "Bitch," Dean finished it.

"Yeah, you too jerk." Sam leaned forward and took a fry.

Dean glared at him and then leaned forward to talk to Hayley. "And  _I_  was cheering the loudest. No one can beat this mouth."

"We all know that," Sam muttered, he feigned ignorance when Dean looked to him again. Dean's right hand fell under the table and took Cas', squeezing it in thanks.

>><<

They were in the parking lot again when it happened. The four of them stood talking but Hayley noticed when one the waiters came and stood at the back door, he wasn't doing anything, he wasn't texting or smoking or eating or anything else someone might do on their break. He was just watching.

And then two came out at the back of him.

Sam turned and saw their eyes flash. "Dean!" he shouted and the three of them reached for their guns but they were too late.

Hayley dropped to the floor, Sam looked down, she put her hand under the bottom of her pant leg and then shot at the demons. Three shots and three men dropped to the floor.

"Get in the car!" she shouted and the three men, all now holding guns, didn't need to be told twice.

One of the demons managed to lift his hands and aim something at her, she rolled out of the way and proceeded to pour water on them. They writhed and screamed. Whatever it was that he threw, air or force, whatever you want to call it, it hit Cas instead. It threw him against the car and he fell to the floor.

"Cas!" Dean shouted and dropped to the floor beside him.

"Castiel!" Sam shouted as he turned but Cas looked up. Sam's head whipped back as Hayley ran over and they all jumped in the car.

Dean bundled Cas in the back and shuffled in after him.

"Cas? Cas, talk to me." Dean pulled his head up to look at him. He was winded but he was conscious.

"I'm fine, Dean. But that hurt." Dean hugged Cas to him and held onto the driver's seat as they sped away.

"What the hell was that?" Sam asked, talking to Dean, but Dean never answered.

Hayley did. "That was a demon. Well, three of them. I'm sorry, I've been lying to you, baby," she said to Sam and Sam turned before glancing back to Dean then the road. "I can't explain fully right now but we need to find somewhere safe."

"We have somewhere safe," Sam muttered speeding around a corner.

"No, a different kind of safe. Stop up here." She pointed to a lay-by.

"We can't stop?" Dean started, putting a kiss to Cas' forehead.

"It'll only take a second," she said and Sam pulled in. "Get out," she said and opened the door.

"Sam, what the hell?" Dean muttered and they all got out.

Cas got out the same side as Hayley, stumbling a little, and Dean and Sam got out the other side. Immediately Hayley pulled a gun on Cas.

"Whoa!" Sam put his hand out when Dean aimed a gun at her edging his way around the car.

"Castiel!" she spat. "I know that name. You're an angel-  _were_  an angel." She looked to Dean. "I'm so sorry, Dean, but this man is not who you think he is."

"Put the gun down!" Dean rounded the back of the car towards Cas.

"Stay there, Dean!" Sam rounded the other way drawing his own gun as Hayley shouted. "Stay on that side, he's dangerous! You don't know everything. He's an angel and they're not all sweetness and light-"

Dean smiled, in that way he does when he's pissed off. "Oh, you mean that Cas is Castiel and was an angel of the Lord until Metatron took his grace and used it to attack the angels, making them all fall?" Her face fell, as did her aim a little.

"How did you-?" She started and Sam stood behind her, taking her gun.

"Lucky guess," Dean snarled and lowered his gun. He turned to Cas. "You alright, babe?"

Cas nodded, holding his rib. "I'm fine." He looked up to Hayley. "You're a hunter?"

She turned to look at Sam and back. "Yes." She leaned down to put her gun back in her ankle strap. "And you three?"

Cas turned his head sideways as if to disagree but Sam and Dean said "Yes," in unison.

Sam uncocked his gun. "My name isn't Sam Patterson, it's Winchester."

" _Winchester_?" She squinted. "Sam and Dean." She closed her eyes. "How did I  _not_  see that?" Sam looked to her confused. "Oh, come on, every hunter knows you two. And Cas,  _ugh_!" She hit her own head as she stood up. "The Winchesters and Castiel, so stupid."

Dean and Cas shared a look. "What?"

"We need to get out of here," she said again. "You said you had somewhere safe?"

Sam and Dean shared a look.

"We don't trust other hunters, Sam," Dean warned.

Cas put his hand on Dean's. "That's not your call." He pulled Dean back to the car. Dean went, reluctantly.

"We don't have time to do this here, Sam. We both lied, remember that," Hayley said and Sam nodded. "And in this case we both know why, and understand."

Sam looked to the side. "You really didn't know who I was?" She looked at him with confusion. "How do I know you're not being used to get to me?" Sam's eyes were red and he was clearly upset. She sighed and looked to the side as if insulted. "You can't blame me, you heard about us, you know what we've done." She looked back as Sam got more emotional. "I tell Dean all I want is someone who understands what we do and a chance at love and then," he gestured, "there you are. A hunter no less."

She walked forward, putting her hands on his arms. "Sam, look at me." He tried to look away. "Sam?" He paused and then looked back. "We don't have time for this but just look at me and listen. Not everyone is out to get you. I'm not out to get you." She stroked his arms. "Please?"

Sam weighed it up in his head, he remembered all those nights in her house in Salina. They hadn't been dating long but he had spent almost every night at her house, wrapped in blankets and each other. In her bed, in front of the fire, on the couch and in the shower. Kissing, touching, making love and embracing each other. But the thing that resonated in Sam's head more than all of that was all the chats, the laughs, the smiles, God he loved her smile.

Cas rolled down the window. "Sam, you know the answer." He smiled. "And we have to go."

Sam smiled and nodded. He kissed her on the forehead. "Get in."

He ran around the car, Hayley looked to Cas and mouthed a 'thank you' as she climbed in.

The car was silent as they drove back to base.

When they pulled up Dean sat forward. "You two go in, I want to talk to Hayley."

"Dean-" Sam started.

"Get out of the car, Sam!" he roared and Sam turned shocked at him shouting. "Just..." Dean's voice was back to normal. "You don't have to go in, just give me a second." Sam nodded and Cas shuffled out of the car as Sam got out and ran around to help him. "Listen," Hayley sat still, "look at me." She turned her head. "I'm not going to give you a big speech, be good to my brother and all that because what happens between you two is between you two. But I will tell you this; you've heard about us and what we're capable of, if you put him in danger in any way, Hayley, and I mean  _any_..." He paused. "I have no problem throwing you in front of him. Okay?"

"Dean," she turned further, "if I put Sam in danger I will throw myself in front of him."

Dean looked at her, she seemed genuinely upset. He nodded. "Good." They got out of the same side of the car, Sam and Cas were stood a few feet away. "We going in?"

"You have the key." Cas smirked.

"No, I don't?" Sam and Cas' faces fell. "You do, babe."

Cas screwed up his face. "Do I?" He patted his pockets and felt it in his front right pocket. Then he remember Dean handing him it in the car because it was digging into him. "Oh yeah." Sam rolled his eyes and Hayley tried not to smile.

>><<

They walked inside and Dean locked the door behind them.

Cas pulled Dean away down the hall. "Come on, let's leave them alone." Dean looked to them both until Cas winced and Dean turned back to him, remembering that he had been slammed against a car. His car.

Sam and Hayley turned to look at each other. "What is this place?"

"It's our base, men of letters, I'll explain later. You first." Sam walked to the kitchen and she followed, looking around her in awe. "Drink?"

"Beer." She nodded and he went to the fridge, opening it and then holding it out to her. She took it and he got his own. Sam leaned against the counter and waited. She sighed. "I grew up on a farm in Oklahoma, I was six when they came in the night and took my family."

"What did?"

"Hell hounds." Sam shifted, ready to talk. "I know, I know. They don't take whole families but my mother made a deal, she didn't tell anyone. My father had left for a long overnight drive to his friend's house for some hunting trip, I don't know." She held her beer out and Sam took it. She then started taking her jacket off. "I had snuck out because my horse, well my pony, Smokey," she smiled as she gently folded her jacket and put it on the kitchen counter, "he was sick and I took one of my books out to read to him. I snuck out the back," she took the beer back from Sam, "and into the barn. I was only going to read him it once when I heard an engine." She took a drink as she walked back to stand opposite Sam. "I went to the door of the barn, I saw my dad pull up, my mom came running out of the house screaming at him, 'what are you doing here, get back in the car, go, just go, if you love me you'll go!' She was crying by now and Sam had to try really hard not to embrace her. "He fought with her, 'what's wrong Jay, talk to me, come on, love!' Then I heard it. The growling. They heard it too. She pleaded with him to go inside, pleaded and they couldn't see it, I couldn't either, but he shielded her, moving in every direction."

Sam decided he couldn't do it anymore. He took the beer from her, putting them gently on the counter. She kept talking through floods of tears.

"She fought with him, trying to get him out of the way, screaming 'it's me you want, just take me, leave them!' And then," she screwed up her face at the memory as Sam embraced her, "they just tore apart." She sobbed into his shirt, her arms on his chest and his left around her, his right through her hair holding her to him and mumbling 'shh' and 'it's okay'. "I couldn't see them and I didn't understand. They just seemed to crumble," she had to keep pausing, her noises more sobbing than talking, "into heaps, writhing in pain and screaming." Her whole body convulsed and she seemed to lose control of her legs. Sam picked her up and walked through to the main room.

Cas and Dean were in the bedroom as Sam sat down in a chair and just cradled her to him. Her sobbing filled and echoed around the base. They looked to each other feeling like they were eavesdropping, Dean stood and quietly closed his door over. He exhaled to Cas and then walked back to the bed. "Wow."

"I know." Cas stood and walked over to the corner of the room, undoing his pants as he spoke. Dean looked to what he was doing. "This is ridiculous, I mean I'm not the first angel you've been drawn to and Sam's been drawn to a couple of demons in his time and now a hunter?" He sighed and shook his head, he pushed his pants to the floor and Dean turned around on the bed to face him. Cas leaned on a table to bring one leg up and pull the bottom of the pant leg off.

"Well, he's not the only one attracted to demons, now is he?"

Cas stopped, dropped his now bare leg. "That's not fair, there was never a relationship between myself and Meg."

Dean twitched his neck. "Yeah," he stood, "because she died." Cas shook his head looking down, clearly annoyed. "Let's be fair here."

"No." Cas let his other leg fall, having pulled it free and looked up to Dean. "Let's not be fair here. You're not being fair," he pointed to Dean and Dean's eyes widened, he didn't know when they had started arguing but it was happening, "how many relationships have you had?"

Dean walked over, his arms gestured wide and his palms facing up. "Hey, babe," he took a few steps, "I wasn't having a go." Cas scoffed and looked to the side. "Hey!" Dean's jaw tightened and Cas' head shot back. "I promise you I was not having a go, I was merely pointing out that if she hadn't been stabbed and died then maybe you two could have had something, I would be the last person to judge you if you did and so would Sam, as you say he's had a few demons himself." Dean stopped a step away from Cas. "I was also going to point out that he's not the only one drawn to hunters now, is he?"

Dean was waiting for Cas to meet him halfway, in words and physically. You can say a lot of things and not mean them, Dean had learned that words can mean everything and nothing. He needed action.

Cas' expression softened. "You're right." Dean nodded a little and waited. "I'm just so worried, they are perfect and he could be so happy but... It could all go to hell as well." He sighed. "I'm sorry."

He took a step towards Dean and embraced him. There was a beat before Dean slowly brought his arms around Cas and closed his eyes. He had took that step and that step was what Dean held onto. Every single time something happened between them there was always words, and more importantly action, on either side to fix it. It's what Dean needed.

He kissed Cas' head and they pulled apart. Dean took a step back, bent down and picked up Cas' pants before holding them out to him. "Put these on."

"What, why? We can't go out there, they need time alone."

Dean nodded. "I know, but you were kind of yelling at me so I didn't get to enjoy the show the first time." Cas hit him playfully and walked away. Dean turned. "Cas, I'm serious." He followed him.

Back in the main room Hayley had calmed down.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, Sam shook his head. She pulled back and he loosened his hands to let her. She looked down at him, as she was sitting on his left leg with both of hers across his right. His hand was stroking her outer thigh soothingly. "You know, my back door wasn't locked that night."

"What do you mean?" Sam looked to her.

"The back door is always locked and it wasn't. I think my mom wanted me to sneak out, she did mention reading to me when I was sick and I just felt bad that Smokey was one of the family and he hadn't been read to."

Sam smiled. "Anything else you want to tell me?"

"My house in Salina?" Sam nodded. "It's not mine, well it is. But I live with my sister," she paused bearing her teeth in a worried gesture, "who isn't my sister." Sam sighed. "She's a chick I met on the street." Sam lowered his head. "It's a long story, Sam. Short version for now?" Sam nodded. "I went to stay with my dad's sister for a while but I was obsessed with finding out what happened and she didn't like it. So when I was fifteen I skipped out of there, I changed my name and I lived on the streets. I met Bailey and she just understood. She understood why I had to find out and we got our shit together. Over the course of ten years we became hunters and it's what we do. We stay mostly in Kansas hunting in state, got a whole batman slash superman thing going on, no one knows it's us." She laughed and Sam did too. "Until now." She looked to him for a second. "That's my story." Sam sighed. "Where does that leave us?"

"It leaves us with my story." Sam leaned back a little.

Back in the room Cas and Dean were, well they were busy.

Dean had Cas up against the wall behind the door and they were naked, Cas being the only one with socks still on. Cas had his arms on Dean's shoulders as Dean kissed his neck bucking into him. The sheer heat from them felt unnatural, the parts of the wall and floor they were touching having gone warm long ago.

"Dean," Cas gulped, "bed?" Dean shook his head and stepped away to grab lube. Cas looked down and realized. "Oh, here?" Dean just nodded as he poured it over himself and then left some on his left hand, he threw the bottle towards the bed. Cas gasped when Dean lifted his leg with his right hand and rubbed lube under him with his left. "Cold," Cas mumbled when Dean looked up at him. Dean smiled and turned slightly to wipe his hand on Cas' sock.

Dean kissed Cas again running his right hand down Cas' leg and grasping his bum. "Ready?" Cas nodded. He used his left arm to lift Cas' right leg up and Cas hooked them around his waist while Dean stepped back a bit and shuffled Cas in his arms. "You good?"

"Yeah." Cas braced himself as Dean lowered him down, sliding inside. "Fuck, Dean." Dean looked up. He hadn't heard Cas swear like that before and when he did it was pure gravel. Dean thought Cas sleepily saying his name was the sexiest thing he had heard, and if that was the case then what the hell was that? Cas even groaned as it shot straight to Dean's cock, he felt it twitch. "Fuck," he said again, his eyes closed.

Dean groaned and took the step back to the wall practically throwing Cas against it. He hadn't forgotten that Cas was a little bruised right now and, in all honesty, it was irrelevant. "Cas," he exhaled as he thrust into him, Cas moaning against his cheek, "if you keep talking like that," he exhaled again, "I'm going to explode."

"All I said was 'fuck'? Oh, God, Dean!" Cas practically shouted as Dean took the pressure off of Cas a little so he was still leaning against the wall but there was enough room for Dean to pull him down as he thrust.

"Yeah, that's exactly," he moaned, "what I'm talking about. Shit." Dean stumbled backwards a little and tensed his stomach to stop himself.

"Dean, Dean," Cas couldn't decide whether throw his head back or forward of let it lull about, "keep doing that."

"What this?" Dean tensed like before and Cas lost it. "That it?" Cas only nodded and then began to mutter a quick succession of 'fuck's adding in a few 'Dean's here and there.

Sam and Hayley looked up when Cas and Dean shouted something incoherent together. Hayley immediately started giggling when Sam buried his face in her shoulder. "Those two scar me for life every day."

After a few seconds they pulled apart. "So, we'll talk about this?" Hayley asked.

"Not that?!" Sam pointed his thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the now quiet hallway.

She laughed and shook her head. "No. Us."

Sam nodded. "I don't think they're really stories to be told in one night but yeah, we'll talk about this." He paused. "If you want to?"

She looked up and thought. "I'm not sure." He let his mouth fall open in a smile and she laughed. "Of course I do, baby." They kissed and spoke for a little while. About random things nothing important. About dinner and about the layout of the base.

Cas and Dean appeared sheepishly around the doorway twenty minutes later.

"Sorry, just come to forage for food." Cas smiled, hopefully and Hayley nodded.

"You two look cozy." Dean said and Cas hit him. "What, just making an observation? We thought you might have gone to sleep it was so quiet down here." Dean shrugged as he followed Cas slowly towards the kitchen.

"Yeah, not that we would have got much sleep," Sam muttered and Dean and Cas turned. "I think you two woke up the whole state." Dean and Cas shared a look before bursting out laughing and walking away into the kitchen. "I hate you both!" Sam shouted, then he looked to Hayley who was suppressing a smile. "And I..." He pointed, trying to think of something to say. "Hmm." He lowered his hand. "I've gotten too used to you."

"Good." She smiled and kissed him.

Dean and Cas looked at each other in the kitchen. "How did that work?" Dean whispered. "'I've gotten too used to you'? How?" he kept whispering.

Cas smiled as he put the coffee pot on. "Because it's the truth." Dean nodded. "I can't believe they heard us." Cas shook his head.

"Babe, did  _you_  hear us?" Dean raised one eyebrow and Cas paused. He had a point.


	25. Chapter 25

Five weeks later.

"Right, so remind me why we're not just driving through the night?" Sam followed Dean and Cas out of the car.

"Because I'm tired of driving and I want a drink." Dean closed his door. "Come on, we have been chasing these damn fairies for a week now, can't we just get drunk?"

"When did you stop being in a permanent state of intoxication?" Sam snipped across the hood.

"Since you crashed my car." Dean snipped back and Cas tried not to smile.

"I said I was sorry!" Sam exclaimed to the sky.

"Yeah, well I spent days banging that dent out."

"I still think that was my fault," Cas admitted as they headed to the motel.

Dean shot him a 'don't stick up for him look' and Sam sighed. "No Cas, thank you but it was mine, that saloon came out of nowhere. What were they doing over taking on a wide like that?" Sam looked to Dean who just shrugged.

"Maybe they had a wedding to get to," Cas muttered and Dean looked to him as they got to the office and he opened the door. "I shouldn't have shouted like that though, Sam."

"But if you hadn't we would have crashed head on or they would have hit a tree or something, that guy saw me first. We both swerved." Sam walked in first, followed by Cas and then Dean. "You know, I'm sure I heard a baby crying when they passed."

"Really?" Dean rubbed his forehead and thought back to the couple's faces.

"You probably did." Cas smiled and looked back to the floor, a little sad but thinking about the way that Dean had leaned over him, shielding him.

"Uh, Sam can you get the...?" Sam nodded. "Come here." Dean took Cas' hand and pulled him back outside. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Cas smiled. Dean just tipped his head to the side, that was their 'try again' now. "I just," he sighed, "I saw them," Dean kept a hold of Cas' hand, "at least I think I did," he looked off to the side, "when I was attacked by that djinn, one of the times I was an angel again, I was tasked with saving this little girl from dying in a crash with her parents and when I saw them last week I could have sworn it was them."

"Maybe you just see them as that couple now. 'Cause it reminds you?"

"I hope so." Cas squeezed Dean's hand. He rolled his head and exhaled. "You know what's bothering me? Why was I tasked with saving the girl? She was meant to be a prophet who told the word of God through her songs but why couldn't they survive and I just make sure she took up singing or the guitar anyway? Why did they have to die?"

"It wasn't real, babe." Dean lifted his right hand to Cas' face and saw Sam still in the reception out of the corner of his eye, he sat down on a bench seat inside and waited.

Cas smiled. "I know." He leaned into Dean's hand. "It was that that told me I couldn't go back." Dean pouted a little. "There was you and everything else but that started it because I made it up. Me, in my heart and soul, made that up. I knew that if I went back I'd still be asked and expected to do these awful things to people. A tiny baby, an orphan, and for what? Because someone up there had plans? I'm pretty sure she would rather have her parents, I'm pretty sure Kevin would rather have his mom..." He sighed and brought his forehead to Dean's and closed his eyes. "Not everyone can fight the fate decided for them like you two." He stroked Dean's face.

"Three."

"What?" Cas opened his eyes and leaned back.

"The three of us fought the fate decided for us. Don't you ever forget that." They smiled at each other and Cas nodded. Dean leaned and knocked on the glass. Sam turned and he gestured to join them. "I-" He let go of Cas' hand and then had to do it, he couldn't not. He put his hand out to Sam and the youngest Wincester froze looking at them through the glass. Dean could feel it, it was like an ache in his chest, words left unsaid, regret waiting to happen, something waiting to burst from him. "Cas I-"

"Don't." Cas shook his head. "You promised."

"I know I did." Dean put his hand to his chest and gestured a ball. "But I can feel it, it hurts and it's like I'm going to burst, Cas." Cas waited, looking into Dean's eyes, he looked down briefly and then when he looked back up he was smiling a little. "Cas, I-" He scratched the back of his neck and shifted on his feet. Sam just watched, trying to figure out what was going on. Dean groaned in frustration and grabbed Cas into a deep kiss. Sam just laughed and opened the door as Dean pulled back away from Cas. Both of their eyes closed neither of them saw or heard Sam approach. "I love you," Dean said and Sam paused.

Cas didn't say anything, Dean's eyes opened and he looked to Cas who was just biting his bottom lip nervously and keeping his eyes closed. "Are you sure?" Sam's heart broke, Cas was so fragile in that moment, they both were.

Dean leaned back to look at Cas better, lowering himself a little. "Cas?" Cas opened his eyes. "I promised you, didn't I?"

Cas nodded and kissed him again, Dean's hands on Cas' face and Cas' on his hips and lower back. When they broke apart Cas whispered, "Say it again." They smiled and Sam started laughing so they turned to look.

"Don't you laugh at us." Dean pointed his left hand at Sam. "Listening in."

Sam lifted his hands. "My bad. But you two are just too cute."

"That's it." Dean ran after him and Sam ran away. "Come here." Cas stood watching laughing himself.

"Dean, get lost!"

"Come here, Jolly green."

Cas turned to watch them. "I hope you guys like soda because there's an age limit on alcohol in this country." Dean and Sam stopped to look at him then each other.

"He gets that from you." Sam pointed with his hand that held the keys and Dean made to grab them. "Ah, no snatching!" Sam raised his hands up and Dean pouted his annoyance at his six foot stature, even though there was only three inches between him and Sam he still felt totally eclipsed by him.

"Okay, I'm going to the bar, you two can come in after your tantrum." Cas walked away and Dean followed him while he and Sam exchanged insults.

.

"So, get this." Dean screwed up his head and turned to Sam. They weren't working a case. Sam was walking back from the bar, with three drinks balanced in his two hands. "Hayley called, her and Bailey have just finished a run and said we could go out and stay there?"

"Did she say  _we_  could, " Dean gestured in a circle between them all, "or  _you_  could?" He pointed to Sam.

Sam smiled. "She knows we're working, she said we. You've seen it, it's a big house."

Cas and Dean exchanged a look. "We already have keys?" Dean looked back to Sam.

"We'll just hand them back?" Cas shrugged. They all shared a nod and reached for their drinks as Sam pressed redial.

.

"Come on, let's go hand the keys in." Cas pulled Dean's hand out of the booth about an hour later.

Dean shuffled with him and looked to Hayley. "Guess we're handing the keys in." They laughed, they were a little tipsy since Hayley was going to drive the Impala to hers for them. Bailey had come with her and was at the bar with a bunch of guys asking her about her tattoos.

Cas and Dean laughed as they walked outside into the parking lot.

"You know we still have the keys?" Dean raised his eyebrows and Cas pushed him away with a smile. "Oh, hurts!" Dean put his hand to his chest faking heartbreak.

"Bad time, boys?" Dean and Cas whipped around to see Crowley. "Castiel, how's your new home?" He gestured to Cas' vessel.

"Crowley," Cas snarled and took a step forward.

"Don't, babe." Dean put his right arm across Cas' chest to hold him back. "He's not worth it."

Crowley looked to the side. He took a big inhale, held his breath and held his nose, blowing as hard as he could. He stopped and hit the side of his head. "No, they don't need popped. Did I just hear what I think I heard?"

Cas turned to Dean not sure how he wanted to handle this. Dean glared at Crowley.

"Oh boys," Crowley looked disgusted, "there  _has_  to be a law against that."

"Well, not in this country, not anymore," Dean spat and Cas was visibly surprised. "And you've snogged your fair share of men, Crowley, who knows what else." He looked him up and down.

Cas was well aware that Dean was no longer holding him back but more just holding him, and he was well aware that his left hand was on his gun which was holstered on his left where Crowley couldn't see.

"You know, Freud would have a field day with you Dean, I'm definitely telling him about this later - the guy could use a laugh. No, I was referring to the old," he gestured to Cas, "ex-angel," he gestured to Dean, "been-to-Hell thing. But, brilliant answer, not homophobic at all."

"Or maybe I'm just ready to defend yet another part of me, asshat."

" _Too_ ready, you could argue." Crowley looked to the side.

"Is there such a thing?" They turned to see Sam, Hayley and Bailey standing there behind Crowley.

Crowley looked between them all. "It's like Mystery Inc." He took his hand out his coat pocket to point. He gestured to Sam and Hayley, "Fred and Daphne," then Dean, "Shaggy," then Cas, "Scooby," he turned back around, "and that just leaves you with Velma I'm afraid, Bailey."

"How do you know who I am?" Bailey took a step forward, Hayley stepping out to shield her and Sam doing the same to her.

"Bailey," Crowley tutted, "come on, your brother is my best man."

She wrestled against Hayley. "What do you mean?"

"He works for me now." He shook his head. "Only lasted two years." Dean dropped his head. "Nothing compared to Shaggy over here." Crowley looked back. "Who was no match for Daddy-dearest."

Hayley then had the task of holding Sam and Bailey back while Cas had to grasp onto Dean's arm seeing him pull the gun.

"No, no," Cas muttered.

"Baby, come on." Hayley was pleading with Sam. "Bailey, stop." She shoved her friend back, turning to her with her hand still on Sam's arm.

Crowley looked to Cas, trying to imitate Scooby, "Ruh-oh!"

Cas turned towards Dean. "Dean, look at me. Dean?" Dean didn't want to take his eyes from Crowley. "Dean, please." Dean slowly looked away to Cas, squeezing the gun in his left hand as he held it by his side. "Just focus on me." He slowly put his right hand on Dean's arm. "Do this, and all Hell will break loose."

Dean looked back to Crowley as he agreed. Cas pulled Dean away a step and lowered his voice, turning his head so only Dean could see his lips if he ever took his eyes from Crowley again.

"Just listen. You do this and not only will you bring his minions down on us, you will start a new war. The five of us will have to fight it, that happiness I said I would try to give you?" Dean looked back to him. "That happiness and love Sam wants? It'll wreck them both, I love you more than  _anything_  but it will. If we both survive it," Dean's hand loosened on the gun and his right tightened against Cas again, "we'll be broken and they'll have pulled us apart somehow. And Sam..." They looked back to Hayley talking to Sam, who was fuming, trying to calm him down while Bailey chipped in every now and again, angry and clearly not helping. "You know it'll break him, not just those two as a couple, but each separately. Is that really worth it, just to shut him up?"

Dean shook his head quickly and without hesitation. "No."

"Then put that back." Cas gestured to the gun and after a second Dean put it back in it's holster.

Sam watched as Dean looked to clip it in and then straight back to Cas. Dean brought his left hand to Cas' face and they kissed. Crowley screwed up his face and turned away, voicing his disgust. "If there's a storm tonight, it'll be God turning in his bubble bath."

"Why?" Sam asked, everyone's attention on him now, he wasn't angry and he wasn't ready for a fight. There was something almost smug about him. "Why, because they're in love?"

Crowley looked back to them. "Love?" He turned on the spot and rubbed his forehead. "Oh, it gets worse." He looked back to Sam. "I thought you were just doing the nasty but..." He raised his eyebrows. "It'd be funny if it wasn't so...  _Bleh!_ "

"Why?" Sam asked again and Hayley quietly muttered asking him what he was doing. Dean's jaw tensed a little as he watched and Cas' eyes narrowed. "Oh, I get it, you're a demon so you're like an emo? Everything has to be dark and sad and despair, right?"

"No, I'm the King of Hell, everything supposed to be deliciously  _shit!_ " he spat back.

"But you used to be human, we all know that." Sam took a step forward, Hayley letting her hand loosen around him a bit.

"So?" Crowley waited for more while his face screwed up trying to figure you where he was going with this.

"So, why do you hate love...  _Hannah_?" The rest showed concern but Crowley got his meaning and his face showed anger. "Everyone... deserves love, right?" Sam raised an eyebrow.

Crowley looked around at them then pointed angrily to Sam. "This isn't over, Moose." He looked back to Cas and Dean, shuddered and then disappeared.

Dean's face softened and edged back in surprise. The rest were just confused but happy except for Sam. He was smug as shit.

"What just happened?" Dean aimed to Sam.

"Oh you know, just blackmailing the King of Hell." He exhaled and turned to see Hayley catch Bailey in her arms as she burst into tears. Sam wasn't so smug anymore.

.

Sam had followed them outside because he had the key meant for his room and the five of them went straight back to Hayley's after handing the keys in to the motel.

They all sat around Hayley's coffee table with burgers Bailey had managed to convince the chef to make them so late since she was still in the bar. Bailey had a charm better than Dean's she could talk her way in and out of anything and everything. But she never used it on Hayley and it hadn't worked on Sam either, meaning that Bailey instantly approved of him.

Bailey handed them all beers, she had been wary of Cas because he had seemed quite naive to her which she saw as a weakness. As a result he didn't even look up when she was handing out beers, he almost jumped when she hit one off of his arm, he turned and slowly took it from her. "Thank you."

She sat down on Hayley's right and Hayley reached taking her hat off. Bailey would usually pull her head away and give her a look before they'd share a smile but Bailey just let her head fall to Hayley's shoulder for a second before she looked up to Cas. "Ex-angel, huh?"

Cas looked up then nodded. "Yeah."

"What was that like?"

He smiled wearily. "Not all it's cracked up to be."

"I'll bet," she sat forward and rolled a cigarette, "I ran into one of you guys before."

Dean and Sam looked up and Cas raised his eyebrows. "Really?"

She sniffed and nodded. "Yeah, Peter. Snarky bastard."

Cas scoffed. "Yeah, yeah he was."

"You knew him?" She licked the paper and sealed it.

"All angels are brothers and sisters, Peter wasn't in my garrison but we all knew each other."

"I'm sorry." She lit the cigarette blew out smoke.

"Yes, he was killed by a girl on the streets." He shook his head. "We never really knew why, not for certain."

"Why do you think I was apologizing?"

All of them looked up to Bailey.

Sam leaned forward. "You killed an angel?"

"He tried to kill me!" She exhaled and relaxed when Sam leaned back showing he meant no malice. He was just surprised.

"Why would he do that?" Cas asked. Dean was suddenly on edge, not knowing how Cas was going to act.

"He said he needed to get the attention of the bastar- sorry, he said the bastards up stairs." Cas nodded his head up to show it was fine.

"And how would killing you get their attention?" Dean looked from Cas to Bailey.

She shrugged. "I don't know, but he pulled a blade on me so I stabbed him with it. Weird looking thing."

Cas' brow was furrowed and he was looking to the table. "Lexton."

Bailey showed fear. "How do you know that?"

"Know what?" Hayley looked from Cas to Bailey.

Bailey stood up. "How do you know my name?" She looked to Hayley. "My real name, Bailey-"

Cas played with his beer bottle. "Bailey Elizabeth Lexton, born July 21st, 1986 in New Hampshire. Mother, Francesca Lexton nee Remple and Father, Edward Lexton both born in Florida, one older brother, Ryan Edward Lexton born 30th November 1982 in Colorado while on a fishing trip. Born two weeks early. Died 9th February 2002 in Mississippi." Cas took a swig of his beer. "Every angel knows the names and lives of the prophets. It's one the things that doesn't leave you, even without my grace I can still see it."

"What?" Bailey closed her eyes and gestured outwards.

"Did you say 'prophet'?" Hayley put her burger down on her plate.

Cas nodded, taking another swig. "Bailey Elizabeth Lexton, prophet, father died from cancer in 1999, mother died from grief in 2003 after loosing both the men in her life."

"Did you lot have something to do with that?" Bailey growled.

Cas looked up as Bailey leaned to him. "With what? Your parent's deaths? No."

She started shouting that he was lying and Hayley stood to hold her back.

Cas stood up. "I swear to you we had nothing to do with that!" He let his beer lower to his side. "Your brother made a deal with one of Crowley's demons because he had cancer too, he wanted to be there for you and the doctors told him he had months, he got ten years. If it was us I would have given him all of his years back! Every single second!" Bailey stopped struggling and shouting and Dean and Sam looked up to see Cas crying. "I would never have done that to you! To anyone! To take your parents and then your brother." He sat back down, speaking low. "Never." Dean rubbed his back. "I'm glad I lost my grace. I'm glad I'm helpless. Because your life isn't fair and I'm sorry I can't fix it."

The room went silent.

Bailey paused. Cas was looking at his beer and letting his last tear fall down his cheek. Dean looked to Bailey and smiled reassuringly when she looked to him. Sam looked between them all but mostly to Castiel. The angel who had watched and never been able to change anything.

After a few seconds Bailey took a step forward and Hayley put her hand out but Bailey just looked at her and shook her head. She wasn't going to hurt him. Hayley sat back down and Bailey stretched out her arm to Cas. Cas looked up and saw her offer him the cigarette that had gone out. He didn't smoke but he didn't want to turn down the gesture so he took it and smiled before just sitting.

She laughed and walked around the table. "Ever tried smoking?"

"No." He laughed and everyone lightened up.

She kneeled down beside him and took it back to light it. "Inhale then hold it and breathe out." She handed him it back. Cas hesitated then took it from her. He inhaled and started coughing. They all started gently laughing as he smiled blowing out the rest of the smoke. "It's not for everyone." She gestured to take the cigarette back.

Cas pushed her away. "Get your own."

"Oh!" She smiled and stood up turning to Dean. "I've corrupted him."

Cas and Dean shared a smile. "You're not the only one." He winked at Cas.

"Yeah, I think we've all heard your corruption," Sam said, leaning back as Hayley stood and sat on his knee laughing in agreement.

"You want to hear some more, kid?" Dean teased and watched as Cas took another draw and didn't cough.

Bailey smiled at them all, she gestured between them both. "So, which one of you is the screamer?"

Cas and Dean both pointed to each other.

Sam hid his eyes in his hands. "Cas." They all looked. " _Definitely_  Cas."

They all burst into laughter. Cas went bright red, Bailey pointed out, with some certainty, that Sam wasn't very quiet himself, then Sam joined Cas in the red faces.

.

"Cas!" Sam shouted from the kitchen.

Dean walked in from the store with a bag of supplies, the boys reluctantly getting ready to get back on the trail of those fairies. "Why are you shouting?"

"Cas fell asleep on the couch." Sam gestured his head.

Hayley stood at the frying pan, teasing the edge of some eggs while Bailey stood in the sitting room, leaning on the doorway Dean just passed, smoking. Dean handed her tobacco since Cas had depleted her supplies.

"That'll rot your insides." He pointed to it.

"So will whiskey." She smirked and he laughed gently.

"Cas, come on man!" Sam shouted again.

The three of them looked at Cas who never stirred.

"Is he still asleep?" Hayley asked and Sam tuned his head and nodded.

"That's because that's not how you wake  _him_  up." Dean put the carrier bag on the coffee table in front of him. "Let the professionals." Bailey wolf-whistled and Dean turned and winked.

"Oh, come on!" Sam went to turn away.

"Sam, it's nothing like that. Watch." Hayley appeared in the doorway, pan in hand, aimed back into the kitchen, it spitting for a few seconds.

Dean sat on the edge of the settee and Bailey looked over the back of it. Dean smiled to Hayley, put his right hand down on the left side of Cas, leaning over him and into Cas' left cheek, aiming for his ear. "Cas," he whispered. Cas stirred. Sam's eyebrows chased the ceiling and Hayley smiled. Bailey just smirked. "Cas." Dean kissed his cheek and Cas mumbled. "Wake up, babe." Cas' eyes opened and Dean pulled back to look at him. They smiled at each other.

"Did I fall asleep?" he mumbled.

"Instantly," Hayley answered and went back to the hob.

Cas suddenly realised they were all looking at him. Bailey leaned back against the wall, looking to her cigarette. He sat up a little and Dean sat back, moving his hand to his own leg. Sam leaned on the kitchen doorway.

"Sorry." Cas rubbed his eyes and sat up.

"Hey Cas?" Cas looked to Bailey. "Something's been bothering me, can I ask you?"

"Sure." Cas nodded while Dean and Sam shared a look.

"Why didn't you mention before," she paused and gestured with her cigarette which she held between the thumb and index finger on her right hand, "that I was a prophet?"

"In all honesty," he ruffled his hair, "I thought either you knew and you didn't want anyone knowing or you didn't know and I didn't want to put that on you. I know that wasn't my choice to make but I am so  _sick_  of changing people's lives because someone upstairs has decided to pull on the puppet strings." Dean and Sam looked back to him. "You seem to have made a life for yourself and I didn't want to ruin that, and with all of the angels fallen it seems you've went under the radar. You might not even be active but you're protected, that's why Peter was going to use you to invoke the wrath of your archangel."

"Why would he want to do that?" Sam asked.

Cas turned to him. "I don't know." He looked back. "When was this?"

She looked up to the side. "I was eighteen so, ten years ago."

"I honestly don't know, Peter was a good warrior, he had his faults but he was one of the good guys. Maybe he heard whispers of the start of the war, I don't know, this recent one wasn't the first conflict in Heaven so it could be any reason. I'm sorry I don't have more answers for you and I'm sorry I didn't tell you." Dean put his right hand on Cas' left and rubbed it in comfort.

Bailey nodded. "It's okay, from what I hear you've had enough on your plate."

Cas looked to Dean who looked to Sam who looked to Hayley.

"She's my sister?" came from the kitchen, Sam sighed and shook his head.

Bailey laughed and so did Dean and Cas.

Cas looked over the back of the couch at Bailey's hand. "You want to share that?"

Dean put his hand in the carrier bag and brought out tobacco and various other bits and pieces while looking to the side slightly miffed. Cas leaned forward and kissed Dean's cheek when he stuck it out and nodded. He stood and ushered for Bailey to sit. She smiled and walked over to teach Cas how to roll. Cas yawned a little and turned to sit on the couch properly.

Dean walked into the kitchen and out into the back garden. Sam followed him. "You alright?"

"Yeah," Dean sighed the word and turned to Sam, "I actually am." He paused for a second. "Do you ever get this feeling...?" Sam waited. "This lull." Sam screwed up his forehead not getting it. "It's like you're happy,  _really_  happy but..." He sighed unable to voice the rest.

"You're waiting for something to wreck it?"

"Yeah!" Dean turned annoyed.

Sam laughed and took another step out of the door. "Dean, we're hunters, we are not used to not being on the edge. At that point where everything could go completely right or completely wrong. You more than me." Dean turned away a little. "That's not how it's supposed to be, you know that right? We're not supposed to feel like that, we're supposed to take happiness as it comes and enjoy it, not be ready to defend it at the slightest flinch."

Dean rubbed his face. "I know." They stood shoulder to shoulder looking at the sun in the far distance. "Did you ever think this would happen? We're hunting and we're in relationships and they know...  _everything_. We don't have to lie, we don't have to hide, we don't have to..." He shrugged. "Smile."

"What do you mean?"

"We don't have to smile if we don't want to. We don't have to cry if we don't feel like it." Sam smiled. "We can just... be."

Sam nodded as they looked at each other. "No, I never thought we'd get that. Just be Sam and Dean Winchester, messed up hunters."

Dean laughed and shook his head. He then looked behind them and lowered his voice. "So you think you might be falling for this one?" Sam gave him a look. "What? I'm just showing an interest."

Sam looked away, he hands in his front pockets he shrugged. "Maybe."

"You embarrassed?" Sam tried to deny it. "You are!" Dam pointed to his cheek. "You've gone red! Aww!"

"Shut up!" Sam pushed his hand away and Dean did it again so he grabbed Dean in a headlock. Dean wrestled trying to get out. "What, I can't hear you?"

"I said get off me before I shoot you!"

Hayley went to the doorway and watched Dean and Sam wrestle. She laughed and leaned in. "Bailey, Cas?"

They appeared in the kitchen and looked out when she gestured. Dean pushed Sam to the ground and kept teasing him in a baby voice while Sam told him to shut up countless times to no end.

Cas and Bailey stood smoking while Hayley walked back to the hob and took the eggs off and put them on bread.

Bailey nudged Cas and pointed outside as Dean pinned Sam to the ground. "Like deja vu, isn't it?"

Cas pushed her playfully and voiced his disgust. She pushed him back just as playfully then he hooked his right arm around her shoulders as they watched Sam kick Dean's ass. Hayley told them food was ready and Cas leaned out of the door to shout before they turned inside. Dean and Sam both tried to clamber to their feet while pulling the other back and raced to the door. Dean got there first and Cas teased Sam that he needed practice since he always bet him to the bathroom. Bailey danced into the sitting room eating her sandwich and Hayley laughed when Sam tried to cut the line by turning on the charm. This, of course, didn't work and Dean stuck his tongue out before kissing Cas' neck and trying to bite into his sandwich, Cas offered him his cigarette instead and Dean backed off. They all wandered back into the sitting room. Dean pulled Cas onto his knee and then tried to blow Cas' cigarette out.

The five of them settled down to have their breakfast and eventually decided that all five of them would go hunting after. Those fairies wouldn't know what hit them.

.

It was a long time later, a couple of years, when Cas was sitting with a book in the base. Bailey and Sam had run out for supplies and Hayley had already crashed out for the night. It had been a long hunt - two different vampire nests that the boys had stumbled on by accident while hunting a djinn. Vampires were still so rare because of how hunters targeted them that at first they were reluctant to believe it but, after the angels falling the hunters seemed to have shifted their priorities and monsters jumped on the chance to fly under the radar. And in this case, reproduce in ridiculous numbers.

"I'm going to bed, babe." Dean took Cas' hand and shook it as he kept walking.

"Okay, I won't be long." Cas kissed his hand and let it go as Dean kept walking. He went back to leaning on his left hand over the book.

It was the second last book. The second last book he could find on the subject of fallen angels and graces, he had read so many by this point that he ended up reading each word individually rather than as a sentence. And that's why he didn't see it right away. He read it word by word then about three sentences later he stopped. Had he read that?

He went back and read it again. He lifted his head from the page and read it again. And again. He looked in the direction of the hallway and then read it again.

"I've found it," he whispered. "I've actually found it." Cas had found the answer, how to rejoin with his grace even though they had been separated in the way they had. Over two years and he had found it. Cas leaned back in his seat and exhaled.

He didn't know how to describe how he felt. He searched and searched for the words. All he could think of was 'settled' - it was settled in his head. He stood and walked towards the hallway, he looked back to the book as he grasped the side and turned along the hallway. He walked the corridor and came to their bedroom door, he saw Dean lying there, door open waiting on Cas, arm over his eyes to hide the light and his other arm across the bed to let Cas lie on it.

"Dean," he whispered as he walked into the room, to see if he was awake as he closed the door over, locking out the light.

"Yeah?" Dean lifted his arm to look at Cas.

Cas walked around the bed to look at him. "I found it."

"Found what?" Dean turned his head to look.

"I found the answer, how to rejoin."

Dean instantly looked ill. "Oh." There was a silence before he sat up and looked to him, swallowing before he spoke. "That's great." He tried to wait but he couldn't. "What does this mean-" He paused and pouted his lips, clearly upset. "For us?"

Cas took a step back and started undoing his pants, leaning on the counter to take them off. "What do you mean?"

"Are you going back?" Dean shuddered.

Cas paused. "No." He shook his head in disbelief. "No, Dean." Dean waited, Cas let his pants fall and padded his feet to drag them off. "I told you I couldn't."

Dean nodded. "Are you sure?" his voice was a choked whisper.

Cas walked to the bed. "Dean, I told you I just needed to know. I am staying here, with you." He reached out to kiss him and Dean nodded then sniffed. Cas looked back. "Dean, are you crying?"

"No!" Dean said then laughed. "Of course I am."

"Why?" Cas rubbed his thumb over Dean's cheek and wiped the tears away.

"Because I know that if I wake up tomorrow and you're not there I wouldn't blame you." Cas shook his head and Dean reached up to hold his jawline in the darkness. "Cas, promise me that if you want to go, you will and you'll do it before I wake up." Cas opened his mouth to talk. "Promise me. I don't want you to do it in a week or five. I won't be able to take it. Promise me you'll either go in the night or be here when I wake up."

"I promise you, Dean." They kissed and lay down on the bed.

They had sex, long and slow, and then they fell back into their bed Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and kissed him on the forehead.

"Night, babe," Dean whispered.

Cas smiled and closed his eyes. "See you in the morning, Dean."

And he knew he'd forever remember the smile on Dean's face when he opened his eyes and turned around to Cas lying beside him the next morning.


End file.
